Snow Melt

The Sun's Way of Thinking

"I guess it shouldn't surprise us to find ourselves linked with the stars. Every atom of gold or silver jewelry was created in supernovas. The water we drink, the air we breathe, the ground we walk, the complicated pouch of fluids and salts and minerals and bones we are -- all forged in some early chaos of our sun. I think it was the astrophysicist John Wheeler who remarked that we are the sun's way of thinking about itself."
Diane Ackerman, *A Slender Thread: Rediscovering Hope at the Heart of
Crisis*

I am an atom of stardust;
I am a ray of sun shine;
I am a photon of starlight;
I move through cold hydrogen to warm planets
and guide ships at sea.

Since March 12, 2007, I've lived in the state of chaos. I've alternately felt like a star on the verge of becoming a supernova or like I'm in the process of giving birth. Perhaps the two conditions are the same, I'm not sure at this point. The one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not the same person I was on March 12 when I took my mother, doubled over in pain, to the Emergency Room.

Part of the new me I like because I'm facing issues that I didn't a year ago. Part I don't like because I'm seeing aspects of myself I didn't know existed and would prefer didn't exist. One of the things I'm realizing is that I didn't like myself very much, in fact I'm beginning to think I hated myself. I'm starting to like myself, perhaps even love myself. I starting to trust my own thoughts and decision making abilities. I'm becoming less afraid and more bold. I'm beginning to shine.

I've found one of my problems is my worst case scenario thinking. Take last week for instance. I was sick one night in pain and throwing up. I decided that the problem was I had an intestinal blockage and was probably going to die. I was in too much pain to drive myself to the ER and stop for gas on the way. I had no intention of calling an ambulance. I figured my mother would find me the next morning dead on the couch. I tried sleeping in bed, but it was way too far to walk to the bathroom when I had to throw up, so I set on the couch and tried to sleep. Events since have proved I don't have an intestinal blockage, but it seems the worst case scenario thinking applies to other parts of my life as well.

I'm going to have to watch my though process and focus my imagination on writing. It will make 2008 less stressful and help me solve my problems. 2008 started out a little better, at least I don't feel like I'm going to became a supernova.

Lead Entry for "Follow the Leader"   by mood indigo