Down the Rabbit Hole

A Particular Vertigo

My mother-in-law to be returned yesterday and with her came a distinctive tightness in my chest that feels a little like trying to breath in high altitudes. Each inhalation feels shallow, like I'm not getting the adequate amount of oxygen I need or something. I can only assume that her presence had triggered the "oh my god, I'm really getting married" flight response that I've heard described by other brides. For the first time in the entire process, the wedding feels imminent, and not the distant event we've been discussing for the past year. I don't think I'm getting cold feet or having second thoughts, at least not about him. He's a good man. He wants the best for himself and for our life together. He wants to love and treat me well. No, I'm very clear on the "who", I'm just having some discomfort with the "when". I keep asking myself if we rushed this...if we really are ready...if we've given ourselves enough time to make sure this is the step we want to take. I still have moments when I look at him and wonder, is he capable of staying with this? He's young, can he really be ready to settle for me for the rest of his life? I was recently looking through our engagement photos. He looked perfect in every single one. He didn't take one picture badly. I look at his handsome face so often lately and I think, in the dark places in my mind, "is it possible be doesn't know how handsome he is?" And then, "if so, why me then?"

The differences in us seem amplified lately and I've been distracted and oddly detached. I know he's noticed. He's audited enough of my conversations to know we are not on the same intellectual wavelength sometimes, a fact I think he is self conscious and concerned about. He's very smart and perceptive but its more of a practical, applied intelligence. He's not the type to pursue thought for the mere pursuit of it. I've often wondered if he ever "wonders", so to speak. Most times he listens more than participates in thought provoking discussions. Recently though I've noticed he's tried several times to engage me in discussions about politics and current events and I was very touched and impressed that he ventured here with me. I got the unshakable feeling that he actually researched so that he could invite me to and hold his own in this forum. As I came to this realization, a new level of love and admiration bloomed in my heart. I felt very strongly that this is man who will sincerely try to be everything for me. Then this morning he woke, as I did, from a sleep plagued by troubling dreams. His fitful night prompted him to ask me, "you won't hurt me will you?" His question was not unexpected. Will I? I pray to God that I will not. That I will never hurt this man who entered my life at the most challenging time possible and fought to earn my heart.

His mother's enthusiasm and excitement makes up for the lack of participation and interest from other members of his family and I'm grateful to her for that. I'm hoping that her apparent happiness will prove infectious. I'm also hoping that I won't look too much like a heavily ornamented sausage in the traditional bridal costume she loving carried over from Turkey for me. Its a bright, vivid red garment festooned with beads and sequins, handmade and beautifully intricate. And its a little snug, definitely not designed for a healthy, big-boned american girl at all. But I have a feeling that just by my wearing it, no matter how unflattering it may be on me, I will be making her excessively happy...as well as provide my sister with priceless video evidence she can use against me for the rest of my life.

For now, this blog seems to be the best way to examine and make some sense of everything I'm feeling, which is a lot.