My Journey With Attachment Disorder

Productive Weekend

March 30, 2008



Wow. This has really been a productive weekend. At least I would like to think that it has been. We have sure put in the effort! After working very hard yesterday to help him tolerate his baseball uniform, he made it to the baseball game, and felt great about it. I bragged and bragged on what a great job he did of putting up with his very annoying clothes. It didn’t even matter that he never hit the ball. We were too busy celebrating that he was able to go to the game and stay for the whole game without going “Jack Nicholson” on us. I felt worn out, and like we had put in a full day’s work, so we just kind of took it easy last night. I tried to just keep things low-key and not very stimulating. James wanted to go to bed ahead of Tony and have some alone time, which he needed and deserved. Tony and I just kind of chilled in the living room. Finally, at 10:00 I told Tony he needed to go to bed. He seemed pretty calm, but, apparently not calm enough.



When he got in bed with James he started talking about the various electronic games he would like for his birthday. Mind you, I had already talked to him about this numerous times over the last several days. I have explained to him that right now he needs to fill up the empty place inside with “Mommy”, and that electronic games would interfere with our relationship being able to grow. Still, he started in talking to James about it, and James was understandably grumpy. One thing led to another, and James ended up saying he was going to spend the night at Grandmother’s. He tried use it as a “threat”, but I pretty much forced him to follow through with it. It took both us to get him out the door and keep Tony inside, but we did it. Tony raged and cried like he was doomed to die! After he was able to sit calmly beside me I told him that I would keep him safe. I told him that Daddy and I loved him even when he said ugly things, and that we would always love him, no matter what. I told him that I hoped he would be able to believe that one day, and that he would love himself enough to make good choices. We did a pretty good bit of “work” on feelings. Anger, fear, love, trust, etc… Once again I told him that the only way he would learn to trust Daddy and me was for us to always keep our promises. So, when Daddy says he is going to sleep at Grandmother’s if Tony won’t let him sleep, then Daddy will keep his promise. That will help Tony learn to believe what Daddy says, and trust him. (I think I’ve said that a thousand times this week.)



And, I think I’ve said two thousand times that the only way Tony will be able to have privileges back is for him to get lots of practice doing things “Mom’s way.” He keeps wanting me to tell him how many “good” days he will need to get privileges back. I am trying to find different ways to help him understand that it’s not something I can measure like that. This afternoon I used the example of what would happen if I let a little baby play on our porch without watching the baby. I pointed out that the baby could get hurt on the steps because he’s not ready to go down steps yet. I can’t predict WHEN the baby will be able to play on the porch, but I’ll just know when the time comes. So, I can’t tell Tony when he can do this thing or that thing. I’ll just know when the time comes. (By the way, we finally went to bed at 12:30, and had a great night.)



This afternoon we worked some more. I once again tried to help him understand how he could tell if he was getting close to being able to have a privilege back. I asked him how long it had been since he had a tantrum because he didn’t get things “Tony’s way.” He said, “Last night.” “Right,” I said. “So, that means you aren’t ready yet.” “But why can’t you just trust me to go to Wal-Mart with Dad?” “You aren’t ready yet. You have to practice doing things “our way” at home FIRST. When you are able to do things our way at home for a while, then you can have a little bitty test to see how you do in another place.” Whew! It’s exhausting.




Warrior Mom

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