My Journey With Attachment Disorder

April's Fool

April 1, 2008
April Fool's Day. That seems especially fitting for the mood I'm in. I feel like a fool. I feel like I do everything somebody else's way. I control my words and my behavior with Tony so that I can help my "RADish" heal. I control my words and my behavior with Kellye because she's so fragile. I HATE that she is on the phone with this boy named Charles from Ohio. According to her he's a drug dealer and a "pothead". But I keep my mouth shut. I hear her say to him, as she reads her e-mail from Jeni, "Oh, yea! I get to know the name of my "real" mom." As if I had ever kept any of that from her. I could have told her anything she wanted to know about Julianne, pretty much. All of her names, the general area of where she lives.

I HATE that she uses words I HATE to hear. I HATE that she talks, talks, talks, about boys, boys, boys. Or bi-sexual, or cutting, or ICP or Jugalettes. I HATE that she's wasting her life away, not studying, not doing ANYTHING. I HATE that my house looks like animals live here instead of people. I HATE that my mother-in-law lives across the street, and comes over here whenever she feels like it, inspite of the fact that she is disgusted with the way we live and the way we raise our kids. I HATE pretty much everything about my life right now. I HATE that there's no one I can be really honest with, because I am afraid of being really honest. What would they think of me if they really knew how I feel? I e-mail the good stuff. It's not lies. It's all true. It's just that I only e-mail the good stuff. I don't e-mail the stuff like I'm writing now. The stuff where I feel like the crappiest mother God ever put on the face of the earth. I keep that to myself. After all, who am I going to tell? Who could hear the crappy stuff, and still be okay with me?

Yep. That's why I cry every day on the way home from work, and a lot of times on the way to work also. I finally figured it out. I am crying for me. For the real me that I have to keep hidden and pushed down inside. I smile at everyone I see at work, and everyone I see at church. I'm just so perky and happy and wonderful. But, inside, a different story is going on. I'm seething. I'm hurting. I'm lonely. I'm angry and sad.

SOMEONE, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! RAISING ADOPTED CHILDREN IS HARD! DO YOU HEAR ME? IT'S NO PICNIC FOR THEM OR FOR THE PARENTS! STOP LYING TO EVERYONE. TELL THE TRUTH! DON'T LET NAIVE COUPLES THINK THAT THEY ARE ADOPTING A CHILD AND WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. IT'S JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE.

Well, I am going to try to go to bed and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe something good will happen. Yeah, right. Maybe I will find some reason to smile. I mean really smile, not just on the outside where everybody sees. I mean really smile on the inside where I FEEL it. I haven't smiled in SUCH A LONG, LONG TIME. I don't know if I will EVER smile again. I really feel that way.

Warrior Mom

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