Wheel of Fortune

The Devil

According to a book about tarot journaling---my upcoming birthday year---Tarot card wise is either the year of the devil---or the lovers. Based on calculating numbers from my birthdate and year. It feels like the devil is winning. I am depressed, often without joy, or seeing anything good emerging in the future.

David is still, again, unemployed. I am offered a full 40-hrs of work, but for the moment that includes working every week-end.

I know I'm suppossed to be grateful. I have a job, we have savings to fall back on-----we're relatively healthy. But I damn well don't feel grateful. Today is the beginning of Rosh Hashannah---and part of the call of the Jewish New Year is to be grateful and filled with awe for the enormous gift of being alive. I wish I could feel that gratitude.

My brother is going through a major bout of depression, too. Perhaps it's seasonal, perhaps it's chemical. My mother was mentally ill from the time I was 12 or 13---maybe it's genetic.

So do I go to a doctor and get a little pill? Maybe, I have a real reason to be depressed. Maybe it's societal. Maybe the only sane response to the insanity and turmoil of the world is to be depressed.

I simply don't see a positive future---I see old age looming, and decline and debility....and I hope I die before that occurs. Sometimes I think I'm ready now.....I know that many are far worse off than I am and I am being selfish, and small, and cowardly....but right now, that's how I feel. The depression waxes and wanes, but there is always a present undercurrent of despair and resignation.....

My husband doesn't know how to deal with these feelings, well, neither do I....and friends don't really get it. either.

The brightest spot in my life are my grandchildren, and most days that's what keeps me going....I don't feel I can abandon them.

I do believe in God and that there is a purpose for us to be here....but I can't quite connect to that right now....I'm struggling and simply feel stuck and helpless. If that's not The Devil--I sure don't know what is.