Down the Rabbit Hole

Duplicity

These days I feel like two different people. I feel, along with the ripening of my body, the wonderful joy of a first-time expectant mother. But I also feel disconnected from the old me, the person who maintains a type A personality, the person who has a career. The person who has always been self-possessed, ambitious, even sexy. I look at my husband looking at me and I wonder if he can see that duplicity or if for him, I am just still some version of myself he has always seen. It has felt like a difficult week of adjusting for me. Work has been slow, but what's more, I'm feeling left out of things here, as if in anticipation of my changing role, they are already planing around me, planning beyond me. I actually had someone here tell me the other day that the company considers an employee changed when they have kids...that they become "useless." Normally such bullshit would not bother me if not for the fact that this came from someone whom I know shares many opinions in common with my father. I have to ask myself, is that an opinion he also holds? There is a strangeness around me now that seems to have seeping into everything, maybe it is a fear of the unknown, of what affect these changes will have. At home, my mother-in-law's arrival has created another element of adjustment at home. She is the ultimate caregiver. She has lovingly taken to cleaning every surface of the house and washing and rewashing every scrap of laundry. And though I appreciate everything, especially since I have been too tired most days to keep up with the daily cleaning, as a woman it is hard to watch another woman take over the house, the duties that I know are my responsibility. It makes me feel less like a wife in much the same way my expanding shape and bone weariness makes me feel like less of a lover. The majority of these feelings may be emotionally based. I'm well aware of the days when I don't make much sense even to myself and expressing my feelings are the biggest challenge I have in a day. I should talk more. I should try more. It seems though that lately, I tend to just provoke arguements and that is so far from what my intention is. I seem to just put him on the defensive and that never ends well. I find myself starting to try to explain and meeting a wall of anger or disappointment and then I just clam up. Everything gets boggled and I shut down. I have to do better at explaining and maybe he has to do a little better at listening. There is no real way to explain how this experience feels...you just can't understand it as a man I think. My girlfriend was talking to me this morning...she said she totally understood how I was feeling and that she went through the same feelings. There is not going to be man out there who can say that, no matter how good of a man he is. But I'd be lying if I didn't feel resentful that he isn't more understanding...that he doesn't try to think about how lif-altering this feels sometimes for me. This morning I got dressed, actually took the time to apply makeup and even donned illegal heels for once. I needed to reconnect with the other me and I'm sick of slapping around the office in flip flops. It makes me feel frumpy. It makes me feel better to talk to someone who has been there, who helps me get it a little or at least helps me try to understand where it is all coming from. Little things can make me feel leagues better or fathoms worse. The truth is that I'm very happy, very excited and very grateful for this gift, this little baby but that doesn't mean every moment is easy, that doesn't mean that I'm not battling other feelings all at the same time. I don't ask for help often, at least not in the way of emotional support. I don't have too many resources to go to for that anyway. I did try to call my sister this am but she was busy. He saw my facebook post as an affront to him yet for me, maybe it was a way of asking for help or at least a littl guidance. A pathetic attempt at reaching out but when my girlfriend reached back, it was very good. It means the world to have someone say, "I know what you are going through, I've been there". Sometimes that along makes everything less cloudy, less scary and uncertain.