More Snow Melt

March 19, 1921

Jalál (Glory), 18 ‘Alá (Loftiness), 167 BE – Saturday, March 19, 2011 about 6:04 PM Pacific Time

My mother was born on March 19, 1921. Today my mother is 90 years old. Today I want to find a dark secluded place and cry. The woman who turned 90 today is not the same woman who turned 80 ten years ago. In the ten years between 2001 and 2011, my mother has changed and not for the better.

Mom has Alzheimer’s disease. It has changed her dramatically. We did not catch the disease early enough. It would not matter how early we caught the disease because there is no cure. There are medications that can hold the disease at bay, but there is no cure. There are medications that deal with the symptoms, but not the disease.

Mom wanted to live to be 100. I do not know if I will have Mom another year, another five years, or another ten years. I do not know if I will have to find an assisted living place for Mom before her next birthday. The only thing I am sure about is that I have my mother today.

I do not know if Mom will wake up angry or happy. I do not know if Mom will tell me to get out of her life or start crying because she loves me. I do not know if Mom will take offense to something I say. I do not know if Mom will begin crying because she thinks everyone hates her. I do not know if tomorrow Mom will remember that two of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were here today.

I am living one day at a time making decisions for my mother that she could make herself five or ten years ago. I want to find a dark hole, curl up in the fetal position and cry. I cannot cry in front of my mother because she would not understand and she would get angry. Today my mother is 90 years old and I want to cry.