Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about a burglary.

THE PROMPT: "You have been named as a suspect in a crime that you didn't commit (and had no knowledge that it even occurred). It was a burglary and now you're being questioned by the police. Write the interrogation, from a handful of questions you are asked, to the answers you provide. Feel free to implicate other members as possible suspects to clear your name. Yes, I am (sort of) shamelessly plugging one of the site's birthday activities "The Great Writing.Com Birthday Caper!" , but I had a blast writing my police statement...and I think you will, too."

Ok. After perusing a handful of examples, I've sorta got a gameplan. Which isn't easy for me, cuz this isn't my style of writing...usually it's speaking directly from the top of my head in this here blog, or randomly piecing words together to make loosely-structured items I like to refer to as "poetry". I'll give it a shot.

THE DISPOSITION:

ME: "Dammit, there's the doorbell. I hate it when people come over unannounced and uninvited. Shit! It's the cops! Awww, what now? I don't even have any pants on."

THE 5-0 "Mr. Makeoutbandit? Officer Peanutstick from the Lancaster Police. I'd like to have a few words with you."

ME: "Uhhhh, I didn't do anything."

THE 5-0: "Mr. Makeoutbandit, this is a serious issue. May I come inside?"

ME: "Uhhhh, sure. Have a seat at the kitchen table. I was just eating breakfast."

THE 5-0: "Thank you. Breakfast? You're aware that it's 1:30 in the afternoon, right? And... are you going to put on some pants?"

ME: "You know it's August and 93.7 degrees out, right? Besides, it's laundry day. And we're conducting this interview seated, so unless you plan on interviewing me from under the table, you won't mind my attempt at comfort in my own house. And Cheerios are a good breakfast any time of the day."

THE 5-0: "Very well. Are you aware that last week approximately 11 gifts were stolen that were meant for a prestigious birthday party? The members are a subsect of an organization that you are affiliated with. Nobody has accused anyone outright, yet. We're just interviewing some potential leads to help us with our investigation."

ME: "ZOMG!!! No way! Wow, that's bad....hang on, it's my phone. Work's calling me. Shit always seems to go down on my day off...'Sup?... Oh damn!...Naw man, I totally would come in, but the cops are here right now...that does sound like some crazy shit though. I hope they fix that busted nipple on the ink jet machine...No I didn't kill anybody, fool!... aight, peace.' Sorry. Ok, so anyway..."

THE 5-0: "We need to know your whereabouts on July 31st, from 4pm to midnight."

ME: "Damn. I don't remember where I was three hours ago, and you're asking me about three weeks ago? Damn. Hmmm...OH! Yeah! It was my birthday!"

THE 5-0 "Your birthday, you say?"

ME: "Yeah yeah! We went out, did some shopping, had some dinner, shopped some more, didn't find anything, came home and I passed out on the couch with my mouth open."

THE 5-0: "And your 'birthday shopping' didn't include a trip to WDC's vault, did it? Did it??"

ME: "Naw, bro. Check my timeline on Foursquare. You can see I was nowhere close to those vaults. I didn't even know there was a party for them goin' on. I was too busy tryin' to be all about me, man. Besides, I already got my birthday gift from them. See that fancy calendar? How'd they know I collect those little 5'x7' tear-pad monthly calendars? That shit's pretty sweet!"

THE 5-0 "I see. Blackberry...nice phone. Didn't know they made one that flipped open."

ME: "Yeah, it's nice. Good deal on it too, yo."

THE 5-0: "I see you did have a lot of check-ins during that particular time. Nothing around the WDC vicinity though. Very well."

ME: "Damn right my man! But yo, check that girl Julie D - PUBLISHED! ...her "Invalid Item"  . And that other chick, In Your Dirtiest Pants ... she might be "Invalid Item" , but don't let her fool you. Girl's a party champ!"

The 5-0: "I see. Well, given the magnitude of this heist, we're exhausting all angles. And you sir, in my estimation, seem to lack the mental capacity to color in a coloring book properly, let alone be able to mastermind or even participate in something like this. Thank you for your time, Mr. Makeoutbandit, and good day."

ME: "Good on ya, homie. And good luck with that search or whatever, Officer Peanutstick. Next time call first, ya dig?"

And people wonder why I check in on Foursquare everywhere I go...

MUSICAL BREAK:

"I am the thief of hearts. I am the gangster of love." I think this quote comes from Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmVusVh4TRQ

VITAL STATS:

What's up everybody? Not much around here. Just relaxin', still feelin' a little of the effects of whatever I had yesterday, so I'mma beat the heat in the basement and do damn near nothing but look forward to the party tomorrow and two days off. I'm lucky this year...I get to celebrate my labor day by not laboring in a non-air conditioned stock room and not dealing with crabby morons all day. Ahhh, this kid's got the life! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAWjsVoDpm0

Not much else to say today...I think I spent it all on the prompt. Oh well, you'll have that. I'm gonna chill with a Wegmans sub and see what the rest of the night brings. I suggest y'all do the same. Viva la weekend...GOODNIGHT NOW!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpYEJx7PkWE