Second Helpings

Life Goes On

And I'm still invisible...

My husband and his family sadden and anger me in that they seem to have no idea how to treat or help someone who is grieving, exhausted and finding life very difficult.

I forgive my 97-year-old mother-in-law to some extent. She shows kindness to the children, but is very self-involved as regards surviving. I have not received a card from her or spoken to her about our loss. She's busy setting up the cheapest form of meals on wheels for herself and also needs new taps for her bathroom.

As my brother-in-law is presently in New Zealand this leaves hubby to do all the running round for her. I don't appreciate the fact brother's announced he's moving to New Zealand soon. I won't miss him as we rarely see him and he does nothing for me, my son or his family. In fact most of the time he totally ignores them, while blatantly doting on my stepdaughter's twins. What I do resent is that he will be free of responsibility and can enjoy his life, while leaving us to deal with his Mum. Doesn't he think we've done enough?

My stepdaughter hasn't visited or sent a card. Neither has she shortened the curtains for our kitchen she promised to do in time for tomorrow. My husband tells me she's busy. Of course she has her twin's birthday party to arrange for the coming weekend and needs to chat to her Dad on the computer at every available opportunity. Naturally I'll be expected to be at the party and in the water splashing with the kids, seeing as so few in the family can swim. It seems I do have some uses.

My son hasn't sent a card, but I do forgive him as I speak to him frequently, see him often and know how much he has on with work and family. I didn't appreciate the request to pick up Angel from school on Monday in the midst of all this, but suspect my son was meaning his Dad rather than me. I know he wouldn't ask if it was avoidable.

But my husband really excels himself at these times. Insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish, controlling and completely lacking in understanding hardly scratch the surface as descriptions. He could quite easily have taken me shopping as usual, then gone over later to fetch Angel or God forbid done the shopping alone, but no. Despite knowing how much there is to do, he dictates, not suggests we shop over at Derby instead, then both go to meet Angel. This takes up virtually the whole day and exhausts me emotionally as I have no time for my own plans, any time on my own and little opportunity to rest my frayed nerves. By the time we returned it was too late for me to go to church, my one hour of solace during the week which I truly need right now.

The day before the funeral arrives and he's off to play golf. Not that I mind that particularly as I get a rare bit of space and hopefully can focus in peace on last minute arrangements. I'd told him I hoped to be able to go for a swim before my sister arrives this afternoon. But he's already decided I can cook spaghetti bolognese for dinner tonight. While shopping yesterday he asked what we'd eat on Wednesday. Attending my father's funeral sort of detracts my thoughts from planning menus, but that to him seems unnatural. There'll be a buffet after the service and I don't expect to be feeling particularly hungry or interested in what's for dinner. He suggests I make a soup. I'm not sure if he means before, during or after the cremation, but my wounded sarcasm is lost on him.

Now he's feeling guilty because I'm not going swimming and will have to stay at home to cook for today and tomorrow. My sister arrives later, we need to visit the funeral home, we have guests tonight and have to be at the solicitors in the morning. When did he seriously think I'd find time to do it otherwise? He says forget it and we'll eat out, but I can be stubborn too and won't comply with an afterthought. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would have suggested that in the first place. If I said at this moment I hope he chokes on his spaghetti would it sound too harsh?

Life goes on I know, but my life seems to be at the bottom of the pile when it comes to showing some sympathy, compassion, consideration and respect. I'm not sure what I'd like to be in another life, but I've certainly had enough of being a doormat in this one.

Forgive the continuous grumping. Maybe I'm over-reacting and stuck in negative mode and should keep away until I feel better, if indeed that day ever arrives. But for now I'll just go and take it out on the cooking utensils.