Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about my vibrating ass. Yeeaaahhh Boyeeeee!

THE PROMPT: "Tell us how your Valentine's Day was! And if it was really awful and you don't want to talk about, reminisce over a favorite moment from a Valentine's Day you really enjoyed."

Hello, lovers! I hope everyone had the first kind of Valentine's Day, and not the second kind. I can say that I did indeed enjoy myself this year, even if I didn't out-do myself from last year. If you need a refresher, it's in here: "This one's about the love." .

So justjessica1 and I both had to work 2:30pm-10:30pm on Valentine's Day this year, and that made things kind of difficult. It was easy when I had the day off and Jess worked a day shift. I sort of planned ahead and ordered flowers in a vase and chocolates online, with delivery set for this past Monday, when we were both off and would be home. And that worked out well...until I submitted my order. Holy hidden fees! I didn't mind spending a little money, but damn! Taxes, fees and shipping were nearly as much as the flowers and vase (chocolates were included) themselves. That drastically altered my plans of a more personal gift...and Julie D - PUBLISHED! gave me a great idea for a more homemade gift, but I wasn't going to have the time to really pull it off the way I wanted to. Luckily, there was plenty of love for the surprise of waking up to flowers on the kitchen table. Well, actually a green box that said "Flo" with the rest covered by a FedEx label on the kitchen table.

We had set out to run a few errands and grocery shop, and I suggested going to a hardware store for one particular item (an inexpensive gas heater for the basement). Much to my surprise, she said she had to stop there anyway to "get something for one of your gifts". As in, plural. More than one. I was already kinda feelin' lousy over not being able to out-do last year's awesomeness, and now I'm dealing with a multiple-gifter?? What's a boy to do? And I, well, I'm not the most mechanical person around. I go to a hardware store to get keys made, or when Jess wants to fix something and needs companionship. That's me and hardware stores. So I waited in the car, and then we ran across the street to get dinner materials.

We got home, made dinner, and she couldn't wait any longer. She had to give me one part of my gift. The gag portion, if you will. I gotta say this much...she's creative. Now, not that there's anything wrong with this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6rZ2B0rnpA&feature=related, and trust me kids, I've been aware of him long before his VH1 shows and Comedy Central roasts. And maybe I did something similar 20 years ago...but imagine my surprise when I pulled a giant clock, roughly the size of my chest, out of a gift bag. And the trip to the hardware store? That was so she could buy a chain so that I could hang it anywhere I'd like. I'm pullin' this giant plastic old-school 1968 alarm clock, complete with the ringy bells at the top, out of a bag, and she's yellin' "FLAVAAAAAA FLAAAAAAV" as only she could. Yup, I'm in love!

So the next day (the real Valentine's Day), after we got home from work, she gave me the rest of my gifts. It's been well-documented in this slice of internet cheese my unhealthy distaste for all things cinematical, and it's a trait of mine that is woefully misunderstood by most of my friends...and especially the one friend I separate from the rest (not physically separating, but, well, you'll get it) by prefacing "friend" with the word "girl"...you know, when you live with a chick for three and a half years, you should probably understand that I don't watch movies. But that didn't stop her from buying me a dvd of a movie entitled "Notorious", which is about the long-deceased rapper Notorious B.I.G. Now, y'all know I grew up on that era of hip hop. But I never got into Biggie the way I got into his contemporaries. However, his story is a pretty good one with a bad ending, so I might break down one day and watch it.

Then I get to the big box. Johnny! Tell him what he's won!! It's a Dr. Scholl's soothing 5-Motor Full Cushion Massager! It's got five motors and it's fully cushioned! Plus it provides heat! You can set it to your upper back, lower back, or thighs! Or you can set it to your upper back, lower back, and your thighs! It slides over your chair! Just plug it in! Oh wait...it even comes with a car adaptor, so you can drive around in style while getting a back massage! Now "back" to you, Wink!"

Sweet! A heated back massager for my computer chair! Awesomesauce! Uhhh, slight problem though. My computer chair is just short of ginormous. It's pretty big and plenty comfy already. I slid this massager on my chair, and was barely able to fit it. Seriously, my chair is that big, I can launch space shuttles from it for NASA. If I had a big red button, I could start a nuclear war with it. I can do all that, but I'm not smart enough to remember where I set the power adaptor for the massager. I sat down, and I was like, "Uhhh, where's the power switch? And why does the car adaptor dangle off of the remote? Uhhh...." So I gave up for a few minutes, went upstairs, came back down, and I'm like "What the hell is this little white box on the side of my desk? Ohhhhhhh." So I unplugged the car adaptor, slid this massager back over my chair, struggled tying it down, and finally got it runnin'. I went right for the lower back function, because that's where I have the most trouble with my back. And it was nice. So nice, it was niiiiiiiiiice. And the heat from it was amazing.

Then I was like, "What does it feel like on the thighs?" I can testify two things about this massager. It was meant neither for a chair the size I own, nor the people like me, who are smaller than the size of chair they own. So I switched on the thigh massager and got one hell of an ass-shakin'. People didn't shake their asses this much during the disco era the way my ass rattled last night, and that's my word. Meanwhile, the tiny space heater that I used while being in the basement is now sitting unplugged next to me, seemingly yawning from 1) boredom from lack of use, and; 2) space heaters have seen this all too often...getting replaced by an ass-shakin' chair massager. I imagine in a day or two it'll cry tears of dust, and I'll come home one day to see it facing the opposite way, as if to say "I can't watch what you're doing with that tramp anymore." Ahhh, the joys of appliances that only speak when I write.

So the whole purpose of this is even though they're all quirky in their little ways, it's the thoughts that count. Thanks for the presents honey...I love them, and I love you. I hope your flowers last longer than I do watching "Notorious". Then I won't feel as bad.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

When I saw that movie, I actually had to struggle to remember some Biggie. Then I was instantly transported back to the "clubbin' days". Ugh...what a less-than-memorable era for hip hop. Not that this era's any better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phaJXp_zMYM&ob=av2e

And then I remembered this one...I remember having it on a magazine compilation cd. Always thought it was bright and fun-sounding. The sample was unmistakable. It definitely takes me back to a different place and time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glEiPXAYE-U&ob=av2n

VITAL STATS:

So I turned on my computer today, and all of the sudden I've got a new Internet Explorer thing? Windows 9?? WTF is up, Microsoft? Stuff looks ridiculous now. I hate it. Change it back. I didn't ask for it. Punks.

I probably should've mentioned this sooner, because I'm pretty sure the voting ended, but this blog you're reading was nominated not for one, but two awards in WDC's "The Quills"  for 2011. Click that link and investigate it for yourself. I'm up for "Best Blog" and "Best Comedy". You can see all the nominations here: "Invalid Item" . I'm honored, flattered, and honestly, a little shocked at the comedy nom. Please, check it out, get your free WDC account (if you don't already have one) so you can get your voice, and if you can still vote please use your voice to vote for me. Please, and thank you.

And that is all for tonight. I've said my peace, and I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's prompt about death and destruction, and the alternatives. Can't wait. Now, if you don't mind, I have to waste time on other things so I have a good excuse as to why dinner wasn't cleaned up when Jess gets home at 11pm. Peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBlMrGgpwXE