Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about gettin' along.

THE PROMPT: "If you were to kill your Mother-in-Law (or some other annoying relative) how would you do it, so that the death would either look like an accident, or that someone else had done the deed, leaving you to inherit the person’s money?” Or, if you don’t wish to think/write about committing homicide, here is the alternative prompt- “What is the best way to gain the In-laws’ acceptance of you, so that you have a good relationship with them?- And that you don’t think about killing them.”

Geez, what a mouthful. Well, what's good, friends? Yup, same ol' same ol' 'round here, so if you'll allow me, I'll just jump right in. It's probably not in my best interests to discuss the killing of anyone...once that knowledge gets into the hands of the authorities, you have to worry about that whole pesky "premeditated" attachment to your charges. And you know what they do to people like me in prison, right ? So I'll be one of those guys going the more comfortable route. Plus, some of my own girlfriend's family might be reading this, and I wouldn't want to add to my already declining legacy.

See, I'm the guy who prefers to get along with everyone. And I've been known to charm a few folks in my day. The trick isn't just about being yourself, but also being just distinguishable enough to stand apart from those other scumbags that broke their crazy little girl's heart.

Back in the day, when I was a teenager, it didn't really matter much. There were basically two kinds of dads: 1) The dad who didn't give a shit, because teenage girls are the most fickle of them all, and you two could be history by the weekend, so why should this dad bother to get to know some kid that he might never see again; and 2) The overprotective dad who will do anything to make sure his crazy little girl doesn't get hurt...because hurt girls cry, and take up mom's time, and makes mom sad, and then vicariously punishes dad for being a guy, cuz look what guys do to girls.

Dad #1 can be an ok guy, mainly because he minds his own business. Dad #2? He's the reason the girl is crazy...because he's crazy. He's the one who shakes your hand, says "Nice to meet you, son!" and rapidly jerks your ear to his mouth so he can get the satisfaction of whispering "You break my girl's heart, I'll hunt you down and cut your effin' balls off. You got it??". I myself have had jewels threatened by more than a few of these guys. Dad #2 is usually the reason some girls grow up to be promiscuous...because Dad #2 has scared all the nice boys away, and now she's resorted to sneaking around with boys she already knows her folks wouldn't approve of. But I digress.

Dads are easy for the most part nowadays. You find a common ground that's not his daughter. That's key...males bond. Be honest,..that's obvious. And if you've been with a woman long enough to have met her parents, you should by now already know what topics are ok and what topics are off the table. Dad just retired? Ask him about vacation plans and free time. Dad just lost his job? Don't ask about vacation plans. Dad just got out of prison? Definitely avoid anything relating to soap-on-a-rope.

Moms are pretty much the same through and through, whether you're a teenager or your girl's 40. Moms are also like most women as well (besides the fact that are, indeed, women). The only thing that separates her mom from the other women on Earth is that this woman carried your girlfriend around in her body for nine months, squeezed her out and raised her until the time you asked her out (whether your date believes it or not).

The key to Moms actually lies within your girlfriend. Listen to her first. Remember quirky stories if possible, so when Mom brings them up you can be on their side when the teasing begins...folks love it when they have another ally in the "humiliate the daughter with embarrassing stories" game. And then the basics...hit on her without hitting on her, by telling her you see where her daughter gets her beauty from, and that her cooking is amazing, and all that stuff.

And 99.8% of the time, a happy mom is a happy dad.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

I'm fortunate that I don't have to worry about this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB5JRS6JOck

VITAL STATS:

Sad, sad day for baseball fans, and Mets fans even more. The team lost a legend today in former catcher Gary Carter. He was one of their stars when I first started following baseball in 1985, and was one of the many players I admired on their '86 World Series champs. Here's the ESPN article...I got a little misty, thinkin' about those days. http://espn.go.com/new-york/mlb/story/_/id/7583267/hall-fame-catcher-gary-carter...

The new trend in retail stupidity that I'm getting a kick out of? Customers seeing a price tag in front of an item, and then assuming the entire section is on sale. I've had customers see a sale tag in front of a certain toothpaste, and then ask if the much more expensive mouthwash of the same brand, which is six feet over, is also $1.99. I don't know, is there a tag in front of it? $5.99? Nope, guess it's not on sale then.

This is happening with much more frequency now. A woman tries to cash out for breakfast sausage, which is, oh, I don't know, $2 thereabouts. But the cashier had to call for a price check, because the tag said $.99. Which is likely as we do sell it on sale for that price once in awhile. I have the woman take me to the shelf, and of course the tag says $.99...three shelves above it, and it clearly states "Frozen Hamburgers Single Serve". No, a sale tag doesn't infect an entire section, nor brand, nor style. Reading, people...it's fundamental.

And I'll leave you with that little tidbit from retail hell this week. Time to get back to the Sabres game. I turned it on after the first period with the good guys up 2-0 on Julie D - PUBLISHED! 's Flyers. The second period starts, the Sabres fall apart, and I remove myself from listening to it. Better check in and see what's goin' on. Till tomorrow...peace, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUjSBdbZjCI