Second Helpings

Letters of Hope

For over thirty years my sister and I have sent a lengthy handwritten letter to each other every month. We keep in touch frequently by phone and email and we see each other fairly regularly, but there is still something really special about receiving a proper letter and we still enjoy participating in this dying art.

We decided a long time ago that at the end of each year we would read through the letters received in the previous twelve months and keep just one. You can imagine that after all these years we have quite a large collection. As we’re both getting very aware of our own mortality we recently discussed if there was any point in keeping these letters as we’re pretty sure no one would be interested in them after we’ve gone. We’ve put off a final decision on that front, but did come up with the idea of handing back each other’s letters to read through all we had written to each other over the years. Quite a revelation.

It’s been a real ego trip as well as bringing back so many memories from different eras. My sister was concerned that when I reread some of my letters it would upset me being reminded of certain events and the many sad things which have happened since. She was right in some ways, but I’m still pleased we chose to do this. I don’t keep diaries and although I treasure my blogs now as records of this crazy thing we call life, I did not start it until 2005, so events before that were unrecorded apart from these letters.

For the year 2000 my sister had kept two of my letters in a large envelope labelled ‘highs and lows.’ It had been a very bad phase for me, mainly due to work related issues and the unreasonable demands of a bully of a boss. Looking back I would have handled things differently and not have suffered the long depressive illness which robbed a year of my life and resulted in my resignation, but we all know about hindsight.

The first short letter from the year 2000 was, as expected, full of doom, gloom and dark feelings. The second, on recovery, so full of enthusiasm for life and future hopes. Neither really reflect the person I believe myself to be. Inside the envelope were also some little cards and philosophies exchanged at this period of time. Also an article about handling depression and practicing positivity. I don’t remember where it originated or that it had any effect on me at the time, but reading through it this time it really started me thinking.

I don’t really know how I managed to come out of that deep depression I suffered back then, but I do know it had little or nothing to do with medication, counsellors or doctors. Without sounding ungrateful it wasn’t really due to friends and family either. I distinctly remember making a conscious decision one day to pretend I was feeling better as I was simply fed up of being fed up.

At the end of that day there was a very small glimmer of something I hadn’t felt in a long time and so the pattern continued. Each day I would act as if I was feeling okay and look out for positives, no matter how small and within a few weeks I really did feel a whole lot better. My doctor confirmed that it is possible to cure depression this way as the effort of trying encourages the brain to release the correct chemicals for rebalancing.

I have never forgotten that lesson and despite a few crashes since and a lot of heartbreaking events I have not allowed myself to sink back into the depths of despair. However, for several months now I have been in a slump, not wanting to get up in the morning and not particularly interested in anything.

On reading the article enclosed in that letter from all those years ago I have again made a conscious decision. There is nothing I can do about the lousy weather, the past, other people, world events or whatever waits in the wings of the future, but I can change my behaviour. By doing so I have faith I can alter my brain chemicals in order to feel better physically, emotionally and mentally.

Don’t worry, I’m not intending turning into a Pollyanna or moving to Serendipity, but the act of thinking as each day as a bonus and trying to make the most of minutes in time is something I will attempt. It will require effort as most things do, but effort should generally be rewarded one way or another. It may seem at times there is little purpose in life or feeling positive, but there is neither any point in constantly being miserable and anxious.

If we do have a soul, then I conclude mine is a rather melancholy and over sensitive one and I can’t change that. But I do know I have a brain of sorts and that is in my control, so it’s up to me to get it working to its best potential. I will return to finding five positives a day, regardless of the weather and circumstances and I will fine tune my senses to be more aware of my surroundings, thus appreciating things I may not usually notice.

I will still miss my parents every day, but I must accept the circle of life and that we are all in the queue. I know they would not want me to feel constantly low or not enjoy what is left of my life as best I can. The concerns and worries about my son and family won’t go away, but I have to let them make their own way, spoil my grandchildren and offer support and help when it’s appropriate. I can’t make my marriage into something perfect, but I can try to be tolerant and work at distracting myself when tensions seem to be building up. I can do nothing about friends who have walked out of my life or who aren’t as available as they used to be, but I can be a friend to myself. Me, myself and I are quite capable of holding zany conversations or debating imponderables as well as dancing together and treating ourselves with the care and kindness I generally offer to others.

So, there we have it. In writing at that. I started my new regime last night and woke up a lot earlier this morning. I have achieved far more than I usually do and kept my eyes and ears alert for those positives. I’m not sure it will last and I doubt anyone will notice any difference in me, but for the moment I’m quite determined to work hard at feeling better.

Watch this space.