Perpetual Ruminations

Wednesday

Just a lazy kind of day, not getting much of anything done, and wasting away the day. I did get the van in to the shop to have the fuel filter changed, and I did make us a nice lunch. I still need to do a schedule for work so I can go over it tomorrow, and then it's just more of the same, lazy, take it easy day.

I am getting this written now, so I don't end up staying up late tonight to write this, since I have to work tomorrow. I should finish figuring up the bills and get some stuff sent, but then again, why mess up a nice day. Of course, I do need to get to this task right soon, and I suppose today's as good a day as any. But, that's about all I plan on getting done, and then it's relaxation until it's time for bed, and hopefully I can start my work week out rested and ready to go.

I already ate a big meal, so we will only lunch a little later this evening, and maybe some brandy to relax with after. I've got kind of an upset stomach, so I'm not sure about what I will eat later, or if I want to drink anything other than water or not. It's always difficult to say if a brandy will settle the stomach or make it worse. Maybe I'll have a mint and a cup of tea instead to see if that settles it down some. Other than the tummy feeling a bit off, I feel pretty good, just tired.

Not that I didn't get enough sleep last night, I had a nice night and a full night. But, I still feel tired and think the weather today is as much to blame as anything. It's dark and gloomy, wet and cold, and the wind is howling outside the windows. Even the dogs are just sacked out; a Dinger on the bed and a Bugoo in the chair next to me.

What? You don't know what a Dinger or a Bugoo is? Well, let me explain. When Rhonda and I started our life together, I had been divorced for a few years, was raising my three teenage children, and working in a sawmill in northern Minnesota. Of course, living amidst all those fine looking Minnesota women, I had tried my hand at a few romances after my divorce, but nothing really seemed to work out. A big part of the problem was the fact that I had been married for some time, was a dad to three teenage children, and wasn't up on the dating seen. Also, I had married the first time right out of high school, much too soon, and before I even knew who I was.

On a side note, for any non Minnesota women who read the above comment, please don't think I'm suggesting that if your not from Minnesota, your not fine looking. Quite the contrary, after spending some years in the United States Air Force, I was quite aware that there are fine looking, wonderful women in every state, as well as around this big ole world. I only intend to point out, I was living in Minnesota at that time, and was deprived of the beauty and charm of all the other fine women the world over.

Now, to continue. I tried some romance, but I wasn't ready yet, I needed time to find myself, and most importantly, I needed to find happiness and contentment within myself. It was time to stop looking for a female partner to provide these things, since there was none who could. No, I came to realize I had to find it in myself, and then, and only then, could I enter into an intimate relationship and share that happiness and contentment with another.

This was not a sudden realization, an epiphany. No, it came slowly through some unpleasant relationships, some deep soul searching, and spending many nights under a northern moon, watching the reflection dance on the waves of a cold deep lake. I would meditate and look inward, then write what I found. Mostly I wrote some poetry and prose, but even a short story or two came up and out. The thing is, they were perhaps fiction in nature, but they were real in my emotions and feelings, my thoughts and desires. I had found within, a way to express myself and to finally see who I was once all the layers of living were peeled away.

Again, this was over time, and bit by bit I rediscovered who I was, what I believed in, and what I stood for. Yet, I had not even scratched the surface of what would be revealed, in time. It was enough to understand that I needed time and space to uncover more of what was there. Yet, even then I would find an inner loneliness that was eating away inside. It wasn't just the divorce that had left this loneliness, it had been there for a long time. I could search back to my early childhood and see that beast, called Loneliness, raging inside. In my portfolio is a poem about that very beast, by the same title.

I know knew what the battle was, and it would be a long and bitter fight, but in the end, I won out. At this time, however, I really doubted I would ever beat the beast within, and longed for someone to share my life, to share a sunset, or walk through the autumn leaves holding my hand. But, I had learned that this was not going to happen until I had managed that journey alone first. Luckily, there was someone who could provide the companionship I needed. A new born Golden Retriever puppy. I missed her birth by a few hours, but right from the start she had connected to me.

Since I was so out of touch, though, I had picked out two other pups from this litter that I was thinking about keeping one of. Of course, this young pup who had connected to me wasn't going to let that happen, and by five weeks, she had managed to escape her holding pen and seek me out. After that night, there was no keeping her away, she would eventually find a way out, or cry so much that I would let her out. Once she was with me, she would sleep or lie peacefully on my shoulder, nestled in my hair. That was in December of 2001 and except for a few times when there was no choice, and when I was at work, we never left each the others side.

Her name was Klarissa, and she was a very special friend. I cannot use the term dog, for she went way beyond what a dog can do. She never stopped learning new tricks, and could do more than I could even remember. Even more amazing was how I taught her. It was easy enough, I just had to show her what to do, and then tell her the command. Twice, or three times was all it took, and then she knew and we moved on to the next. She could hunt and retrieve as if schooled for the task, yet she was gentle and nurturing as well. When Rhonda entered my life, in February of 2002, there was a little tension.

Klarissa tolerated Rhonda, but had not accepted her. In Klarissa's mind, Rhonda was second female, and she was first. But, then the time came when the last child graduated, and it was time for me to start a new life with Rhonda. We moved here to South Dakota, and at first stayed with my brother until we found a house. It was when passion overcome Rhonda and I while working on this fix up project of a house, that Klarissa relinquished her position to Rhonda. We had been working up in the bedroom and passion took control. Soon enough we were in a lover's embrace on the bed, and then making love. After, we lie in each others arms, and Klarissa comes up to Rhonda and tells her just what she has on her mind.

Of course, it didn't come out in words, but it wasn't barking or growling either. It was a serious of sounds, almost sound like, as this Golden Retriever pup looked straight into Rhonda's eyes. Then, when she had finished, she tipped her head and placed it under Rhonda's hand. From that day on, Klarissa never slept next to me again, but had switched over to sleep by Rhonda's legs.

Even so, Klarissa was very set to let anyone know she would mind only as much as was required, but she would do anything I asked of her. She was always by my side, on my feet, or beside me, except at night when she took her place beside Rhonda, who was now beside me. Rhonda of course loves animals, and it was difficult for her since she had just lost a very loved wolf she had raised from a pup. So, since it was clear Klarissa was strictly my companion, we set out to look for a Golden Retriever for Rhonda. We found one who was in desperate need of being saved from his fate. Being the runt and already showing signs of neglect and malnutrition, we couldn't do anything except bring him home. But, I wondered, how would Klarissa take to us bringing a puppy home.

Hyko, the male Golden we had brought home was six weeks old, Klarissa was about two. We set Hyko down and let Klarissa see him. She showed little interest in him at first, and needed to let me know she was not happy being left at home while we had gone and picked him up. Then she went to him, licked him and accepted her puppy. It was plain by her actions, she never thought of Hyko as Rhonda's puppy, I had brought him home for her. She now had a puppy to teach and take care of, and life was good.

Of course, Hyko was no Klarissa, and had his very own unique personality. She nurtured him along, taught him to do the tricks she knew, and they became best friends. I never had to do much to teach Hyko, Rhonda did a great job; but Hyko learned the most by watching Klarissa, and she would make sure to show him just what was expected of him when a command was given. He became very close to Rhonda, and even closer to Klarissa. They were never apart from that first day, until she passed away in December of 2013.

The term, Bugoo, came from Hyko. Klarissa was beautiful, graceful, and too damn smart for her own good. Hyko, well he was, and is, majestic in nature, with his golden red hair, long and fine as it is, his lion's mane in full splendor, and his very pose of pride and elegance. They shared so much, yet had so much difference in personality that it was down right funny. Klarissa could always outsmart him, and tricked him quite often. If he was getting attention and she wanted it, she would get his favorite toy and entertain herself with it right next to him.

Of course, this was all it took and he would rush in and grab the toy and take it off and lie with it, so she could not get it back. She had no intention of getting it back, and as soon as he was off with the toy would move in and get all the loving and attention. If he had a toy and she wanted it, she would reverse the technician and come find some loving and attention. Soon enough Hyko would abandon the toy and push it to get some loving for himself, and Klarissa would have the toy.

When this happened, I would borrow a phrase from a cartoon I used to watch, and tell him, "Oh Magoo, you did it again."

This was fine, and Rhonda soon picked up on this as well. One day, when Hyko was buncoed once again by Klarissa, she told him, "Oh Bugoo, you did it again."

I heard this, and even though it was an honest pronouncement, it was just too damn funny. I broke out laughing and Rhonda thought I had lost my marbles. I explained how she had said Bugoo instead of Mugoo, and we both cracked up laughing. Klarissa came to investigate this outburst, Hyko dropped his toy, and fluffed up his ears, and the two cocked their heads as they wondered what had gotten into us. When the laughter finally subsided, I looked at Hyko and called him Mr. Bugoo. He rolled his lip and did kind of an Elvis Presley imitation at me.

That was all it took and he was Mr. Bugoo. Even Klarissa seemed to find this funny, and did some kind of a twirl and then nudged him, as if she was poking fun at his new name. So, I looked at her and asked her, "What's so funny, Mrs. Bugoo."

She turned right back to facing me, cocked her head and looked. I repeated her new name, "Mrs. Bugoo." She pondered it a minute, then went and picked out a toy and had me toss it. But, she didn't go get it. I told her to get the goose, but nope, she just looked at me. So, I said it again, "Go get your goose, Mrs. Bugoo."

The race was on. She tore after the toy, Hyko tore after her and they did some kind of funky dance as he tried to get the toy and she tried to avoid his reach. From that day on, we had a couple of Bugoos. Then, in December my wonderful friend passed away in her sleep, along side Rhonda and we found an emptiness that still remains. Of course, Hyko took it the hardest, he had never known a day without Klarissa since he was six weeks old and we brought him home. I was also devastated at her loss, and Rhonda thought it best if we looked at a new female to bring home, to provide me some comfort in my grief, but mostly to hopefully pull Hyko out of his depression.

We didn't go out and buy a Golden, but went to the local shelter and adopted a female about two years old, who had never had a home outside the pound since the day she was brought in as a young puppy. She was smaller in build, black with some white markings, and a stubbed tail. We were told she was half black lab and half springer spaniel. We brought her home and began the process of teaching her what having a home was all about. I also did some research on her breeding to understand better what needs she would have.

Online, I discovered the term for a Labrador and Springer mix is a Labradinger, and I learned how she would interact with us, how much energy she would have, and a lot of her natural traits.  Only living that long in a dog pound, with no interactions of much with humans had left her a bit different than her breeding stated. Also, she had been adopted out a few times, but because of unwanted behavior, she had been returned the following day. This young female was full of energy, but had only once ever ran free outside, and that was when she slipped her leash at the pound. She had been called back, and had returned when called, so her freedom was short lived.

We live in a small town, and have a big yard. But until she adjusted, we had to keep her tied and did not let her run free at first. She had a long run, and she went crazy with the freedom to run and jump, but nothing compared to the day I took a chance and released her and let her tear it up. She did, too. She ran, she jumped, she was all over and everywhere, but she didn't leave the yard and came when called.

The next task was to teach her to play, she did not know how to play with Hyko or with us. She did not even know how to play with her toys. Some of Klarissa's old stuffed toys were shredded in minutes, others were put up so she couldn't destroy then all in one shot. But, in time she began to understand how to play with them, how to fetch, and catch, and how to interact with Hyko. Even so, he had little to do with her. He had gotten better, but was still grieving and just not accepting her as anything more than another dog in the house.

Then, she went into heat, and Hyko began to have an interest. Luckily they did not breed and we do not have a bunch of little ones on the way, but they would have been very welcome and it would have taken no time to find them all a good home. Instead, they became closer, and then she stopped and they continued to share a friendship that has helped a lot. She did not take Klarissa's place, and she never will. That was not the idea anyway. She did bring a new personality into our home, she provided companionship for all of us, Hyko included, and his natural instinct to nurture has them now very close.

Even so, Hannah, the Labradinger is no Bugoo. She is much different and adds a whole new perspective to what we have become accustom to. She is very snuggly and warm hearted, but she is a bundle of raw energy. She still runs and leaps, she is quick and springy, and almost a contrast to what a Bugoo is. No, Bugoo doesn't fit her at all, but someplace along the line, Labradinger and her being so springy merged into dinger, and then she was, Hannah, the Lady Dinger.

So now, as we miss Klarissa and move on with life, we find we have Mr. Bugoo left to bless our home, and with him comes his friend, the Lady Dinger. Of course, we often just shorten the terms down to a Bugoo and a Dinger, and life is good.

Yes, I still miss Klarissa, and wish I could have had a few more years to give back to her the love and companionship she so selfishly gave to us, but there is a bright side to her passing. Another wonderful animal with no hope and about to be destroyed found a home, filled with love and compassion. She still hides her face if I raise my voice, but she no longer trembles in fear of being torn away from our home and taken back to the pound if she does something bad.  That will never happen, she is a part of our home and our family, and she is learning fast. She has brought love and companionship with her and seldom leaves my side when I'm home.

I have bonded with her, and she with I, and along the way, I have been astounded to see so many of Klarissa's unique traits. Not at first, but with each passing day she seems to pick up more and more of the things Klarissa used to do. She does not have Klarissa's personality, but she share a great deal with her, even though they have never met.