Wondering about my Wanderings

ups and downs

I am on a roller coaster ride at the present time. I can not get on an even keel long enough to enjoy it.

I had my trip back East and was expecting a place to posit my tears. Instead I was faced with being strong by my mother who was in the process of dying before my very eyes, grin and all. She seemed to have so much courage and to let go of tears made me feel like the coward that I was about the business of letting go. I beat myself up on occasions that I got particularly sensitive. My sister called me a jerk for certain of my sentiments. I shook my fist in anger at God, while my mother pointed her hand up to heaven to point to the only one who could give bliss in times of struggle.

I came back home to the news that my job had changed. It had needed to happen anyway. My body was feeling the effects of walking all over campus. My knee had received a sharp pain one night, which I think was arthritis and with a twisted knee I felt even more vulnerable. I called my caregiving company and told them about my new job and how that could work. I forgot about my caregiving responsibility. The gist of the matter is that my job would not have tolerated my conviction to care about anyone but them.

I sit here amidst it all. I have my dog buddy who entertains me with rise and shine tactics. I lay down in blissful slumber and make the mistake of getting up. The next thing I know he is jumping up and down all over me as if to say it is time to go out, it is time to go out. He licks me and kicks me out the door to take a walk. It is time he says. He has a gait like a cowboy in the ok corral. No one better mess with Buddy. He walks by a local female and rather than snuggle he pees in her yard, even as she squeals love notes at him. He then heads for a poop spot. He goes around in circles a few times and then deposits his golden nuggets to a deserving household. I am sure they will be surprised. He gets home and gets his well deserved greenie snack. Rise and shine. Buddy is ready to play.