Wondering about my Wanderings

Fighting fair

Most of my life I have been around verbal sparring. I have yet to figure out how to fight fair or if there is any such thing. I recently arrived from Massachusetts to a tempest in a tea pot. I had been hoping for something that was unrealistic and was greeted with the same thing. I was wanting a place to speak my mind and find myself. The only problem was that someone wanted me more than they wanted what I wanted.

It is no fun to be typing a blog wondering how to fix something that can not be fixed. I came home broken and have noticed how that has spilled over to affect out connection. My wife wants love and affection. I want everyone to leave me alone. At least that is what I want on the surface. I am weary of trying to figure out what it means to be there for others. I am discovering that fighting fair is determining what my needs are and meeting them. I can not expect others to read my mind.

I believe that this has been my downfall. People get tired of trying to meet the needs of one who constantly is depressed and communicating that one does not know how to take care of himself. Most people can see it a million miles away. The loved and beloved are trapped by what seems can never change. I know to a greater extent that fighting fair is dealing with the demon within. I can never be sure if the other person will change, especially if our agendas do not match. If I love myself in constructive ways I can look forward to being loved in return.