Wondering about my Wanderings

Amazing grace

"Amazing grace" is a curious thing. I love the way the words huddle together. It kind of looks like they are getting ready for the next play; springboard to something even better. Today was an awfully stressful day. I ponder what it means for me to do caregiving and what needs to be in place for me to do an effective job. My greatest puzzle at the moment is to consider how to recover the joy.

I was also struck by the fact that I can never be satisfied with the job I do as a security guard. What a heavy burden to bear! Today was a good example. I am escorting people to the garage and keep talking about the brakes not working, then after I drop them off I notice that it is in the lowest gear and it drives me crazy the way it shifts in and out. I am reminded of the time I shifted out of gear for a few seconds while I went on a patrol and can only think to myself how I must have ruined that car. I shift it back to drive and I am okay again. I do not feel so crazy and I wonder if anyone or anything can move me out of my feelings of guilt.

I am wondering if some of this comes from my mom and dad who have both passed away.As long as I can remember, everything was in constant chaos. Half the time you did not know what was right or wrong because so much was happening at the same time. One kid after another until there were eight. There was a younger brother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and for a large portion of my life I have battled with the notion of assuaging myself of guilt. The insane part is trying to forgive myself for something I have no control over.

Mom has left and there is the reminder once again. While she was in Florida, I was left to take care of my brother and he became mentally ill. Now she is dead and things do not seem to change that quickly. Amazing grace is realizing that somebody/God is there to love me as I continue to sort out what it means to love and care for myself now that mom and dad are gone.