Wondering about my Wanderings

Opening a gift

I went to my spiritual mentor not knowing what to expect. I came with an open heart and wounds that were fresh. I came out of the encounter with healing tears. I learned a lot about myself. I have been on a journey that has embraced all that happened by. A good example of this was my initial efforts to get on board in a new place, knowing that I had emotional illness issues that would not go away.

I came as a gift to a new place with more questions than answers. I visited with Darlene who shared with me that the emotional illness that felt like a curse and burden, could be more aptly seen as a tool of growth and a blessing. As I heard on the radio the other day, it was the difference between letting the illness define me or refine me. Over and over she would look with me at emotionally laden words and help me see that I was not a victim at all.

She left me with an intern colleague, who let me go deeper into myself. I was led to see that I had a lot to offer. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was doing well academically in a new place, I was dating the woman I would marry and I was working and making healthy social connections. I was taking care of myself!! I felt special in a spiritual way.

I was asked about what I thought about medicine and I honestly replied taking medicine made me feel sick. They had a group of doctors who got together. They had been watching videos of my therapy sessions and they decided to take me off my medicines, asking me what I thought of this. I was honest. I was scared. They told me to give it a try and if I had trouble I could be put back on meds.

Life got strange. I found out I could function without medicine. There were bad days sure, but even without meds I did well in school and eventually married the woman I was dating. I doubt she would have married me if she/I were too focused on what to do with my sickness. I did the best I could and about ten years later I felt the need to go back on medicine. This time however it was a choice and not an absolute necessity. I was told several times I could function without meds. I already had been, but it might make life easier.

Here I am years later. I realize I cannot fool anyone. I came out here from Massachusetts for emotional healing as well as to learn about God. I talk a lot about God and at the same time realize that I need to take care of myself. The gift is knowing myself and learning to do the best with who I am. I braced myself for sharing sobering realities and was greeted with a big hug from my spiritual mentor. It was sharing in an intimate way. Welcome back to the human race!!!