Let's Take Time to Celebrate Life!!!!

Ritual

I have been thinking a lot about ritual lately and it's importance in creating healthy family dynamic. I am 60 and I look back and realize that getting the family together for holiday events, graduations, vacations and work projects provides foundations for how family deals with crisis effectively. I was more able to deal with my mom's funeral because there were family rituals that were rooted in the fabric of our family. Even when I left for Kansas to become a pastor there was the calling together that was part of family celebrations and even a need to be there for each other in the best and worst of times.

I see this in a different light with my children and ex-spouse. Before divorce tore us apart we had the birthday celebrations, holidays, vacations, graduations, work, church and school projects. We used this energy to be with Cindy's dying dad and my own dad, along with other crises. We were essentially in it together. After the divorce the dynamics changed radically. I was on the outside looking in. They were celebrating without me, while I was caught in a world of working to pay off bills. Over time I was able to finish paying off child support. By that time I was becoming a stranger. I did have times for us to share. I think that was important. At the same time it seemed to me that they always had the greatest bonding when they went to grandmothers and slept over for several days. And I was the one that encouraged that because I wanted them to have some sense of normalcy. My folks were in Massachusetts and it seemed senseless to split my kids up.

I am not sure about the decisions I made. I am noticing that I have no idea what to get my grandkids for celebrations and feel shame about that. My kids and grandkids get sick and I have no idea what my role is. When we were a family before divorce I was the caregiver, chaplain type. Now it seems like their attitude has become that we can take it or leave it.

I guess I have a lot to learn. Maybe my attitude is the real fly in the ointment. Two days ago it was my birthday and I only received one call from my oldest son. I know I go out of my way to talk with them and before they married I usually took them out to eat. I call my kids up and very rarely do they call back. I may be expecting too much. I do see their mother with them constantly, so maybe I am jealous. I need to find out what gives me joy (whatever ritual that might be) before I can share with them how we as family can work together. Ritual is as simple as writing this blog and making time for myself in a way that makes me more available to others/my kids included.