Witness to Withness

Road to Recovery

I wake up and take a step and wonder
Where do I go from here
I live in a moment of great expectation
Out of the fog to recover
what I thought what was forever lost

Amazing grace is the best that song to describe the next chapter in my emotional illness epoch. Amazing Grace is a reminder that God loves us more than we can love ourselves and raises us up to share this realization with others.


         I had begun to discover that there was life after the trauma of depression. People in the family responded to me differently. I moved out of the realm of being damaged goods to a person who was going to move on to great things. After all I had seen with them the end of the "great" depression. There is a lot of irony in this. I heard the stories from my grandparents about what it was like in the thirties to survive and history was one of my favorite subjects. I have also become very aware since this time that many people know this territory very intimately. There is recovery from debilitating illness, times in the ICU and Post traumatic traumas. I hope that I live to see more stories about how people survive. That is the only miracle that matters to me. I move from being caught in reduced expectation to doing the best that I can with what I have.

         I walked into the office of Dr. Fleming, my psychiatrist from Harvard. He had the same stern look over bifocals, dark hair combed in a perfect part along with a dark suit and tie. There was something awesome and serious. He seemed to enter into the wound of mental illness. He looks at me and asks how I am doing. I share my testimony in a cautious frame. I have known disappointment before and did not want to set myself up to experience it again.
"I feel better again doctor, the depression has lifted, I am glad to be able to get on with my life. I want to go back to school and continue my journey to become a pastor."

"I am glad to see that you are doing better. What I would like for you to do, is to continue to take medicine and get yourself a job and then I think we can talk seriously about you going back to school"

         I left the room elated and was intent to share with others by my presence that I was back. I went back to church and shared how God rose me from the dead. I hit the tennis courts and felt better than ever. I went five miles to play with friends. Most often I would play doubles. I was never that good at it and yet at the same time it was my favorite sport, I loved playing. I recalled playing when depressed. There was little or no energy as I hit shots, now I celebrated I could make shots and enjoy a game that was so much a part of my life.
         I looked up friend and got to know new friends. I spent time running and walking around the block next to our house. Before my time of recovery to walk for a while most often left to exhaustion. There was a basketball court down the street and I played horse with a couple new friends, Al and David Seaver. I came up with some fancy shots and won a good deal of the time. It was quite a different feeling than times past most of my shots came up short. I felt like myself. I was not hot or cold, I was somewhere in between and I was convinced that my faith worked and the medicine worked. I would make ready for my next chapter at Eastern Nazarene College to the chagrin of my parent. They could not understand how I could want to go back there.

         I began reading voraciously preparing myself for upcoming challenges. One of my fondest memories was going over to David Seaver' and putting on head phones listening to music. I felt a new kind of ecstasy after having gone through a period when music was nothing buy noise. They shared that they loved to see how the music affected me as I listened. I was listening to a different voice than the one that brought me into depression and I was looking forward to better things.