Everyday Canvas

Narcissistic Manipulation

In Gaslight (1944), the movie, a husband manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855
“Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality, and it works well,” says the psychologist Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D.
The situation need not be a husband-wife thing; it could be teacher-student, two friends, two colleagues, two countries, etc.

Prompt: When someone causes another person question his or herself as to the existence of their mind, willpower, smarts, judgment, beauty, etc., how would you help the victim see the truth? Then, what do you think of those who gaslight? Are they aware of their own actions?

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Gaslighting happens all the time, but because we are not aware of it happening, we don’t recognize it. The most shameful and somewhat obvious example of it is between the politicians and their voters. Some of those politicians try to make people believe that status quo is perfect and they are the only ones who could keep it working. Yet, the opposite, other politicians make people believe that their country is going to the dogs and they are the only one to save it from extinction.

On the personal experience side, there was this therapist who used to work in the same place with my husband. He used to tell his wife she is not quite there, but the way she was acting, he didn’t fault her, for she had reasons because of her upbringing, but could she please see what has been happening to her? Oh, he felt so bad for her!

Worse yet, she believed him because she was a high school dropout and she worshiped him for his education and God knows what else. When he said something derogatory and she was upset, he would say, “I was only joking! Oh, my poor dear, aren’t you feeling well, again?”

We all knew he was doing all this to cover up his misbehavior toward her, especially the affairs, which he claimed were in her head because of her inferiority-complex-induced delusions. Finally, when presented with a few solid pieces of evidence to a few things, the wife caught on to the truth.

I would say to any victimized person, “If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, ask yourself if he could be a gaslighter.”

How to pick a gaslighter is a job, because they are excellent liars. They not only make one person believe something but a whole lot of people, too. When they tell a lie, one can’t know if they are lying because their gestures, face, and demeanor never give them away. They are really good at lying. Then if they are caught in the lie, they deny it. According to them, they didn’t really mean it that way, or it was a joke or, worse yet, you heard them wrong.

They also use anything and anyone important to the victim as ammunition. It could be tie parents, family, kids, occupation, friends, morals, or identity. They especially have a knack for aligning other people against the victim.

Their attacks are so insidious and well-planned that they wear their victim out. This usually happens over a period of time, so it’s a good idea to be wary of a person too long, especially after one catches a lie or two and sees other unethical behavior.

Even when caught, the gaslighter will say the victim is crazy and everyone else who is feeding her false information is a liar because they have their own ends in wanting her to disbelieve the gaslighter.

Gaslighters do all this while praising the victim, as well. This praising behavior is what confuses most people and makes them feel uneasy and confused about doubting the gaslighter. The victim’s confusion is to the gaslighter's benefit. That is when gaslighter questions and makes the victim question her/his reality, be it the mind not working or the lack of smarts, looks, integrity, or know-how.

How would I help a victim? I’d make sure she knew how a gaslighter works; although, I wouldn’t point to his/her gaslighter point blank because I’d want the victim to figure it out on her own.

A gaslighter is basically a narcissistic person and may or may not be aware of his own actions; after all, to become so good at such a thing, he or she must have had a long self-education or he or she might have seen that behavior in his/her upbringing and has emulated it, and the behavior has become like an organ in his or her body.

In short, anyone who tries to manipulate others by using falsities and questionable means should be suspected of gaslighting. Even if we can’t do much about such people, we can, at least, try to insert a few checks and balances, so the situation doesn’t get totally out of hand.