Angel Whispers

Waves of Emotion

Much as I'm relieved the hype of Humbug and the New Year are over, I have to admit to feeling rather pensive and out of sorts as the first days of the new year have unfolded. January is generally a pretty depressing month with grey skies, unpleasant weather conditions and short daylight hours. I swear this year the hours of daylight are shorter than ever and the darkness deeper than usual, or maybe it's just my frame of mind.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of my husband's passing. I try to tell myself it's just another day, there's nothing I can do to change anything apart from accept, but the mind cannot help reliving events which are still so real and raw. Today is twelve years since my son's bizarre marriage in Cambodia, but instead of celebrating an anniversary we now face an uncertain future as he strives to cope with being a single parent of three children. I never believed the marriage would have a happy ending, but the nightmare we have lived through for the past year could never have been predicted. What the future holds is an imponderable, but it's difficult to cast concerns aside or hold on to optimism.

I have seen or spoken to very few people since the year began, though I do know I am blessed with good friends and though my family is now very small I am grateful for what I do have. I hope to spend a day with my sister later this week and we are in touch on a daily basis despite the distance between our homes. My son and the grand monsters are presently in Thailand enjoying a well deserved break. They keep in touch, but without them close by it emphasises how alone I am and how sad it is that family disputes have resulted in this situation.

I try very hard to carry on and motivate myself to find a purpose. I belong to several groups in my new area, I meet up with friends old and new as much as possible and I try to go out somewhere every day. But lately I'm very aware of the fact that no matter what I do, where I go, who I am with or how much I enjoy things, there will always be something seen, heard or spoken that will stir a memory which causes a wave of emotion I cannot ignore. Whether they be bad or good memories there is never a day goes by when pain and heartache don't pay frequent visits and this is something I don't think can be altered or controlled. I guess it comes to us all as we age and have experienced trauma and loss many times. I think I've had more than my fair share in this life and I guess the fear of what will happen next lurks in the sidelines most of the time.

I guess we have to accept life is far from perfect and never will be, but a few pleasant little surprises would be very welcome. It's hard work coping alone on many levels and it doesn't get any easier as time races by. I'm not keeping a diary, but I do try and write down five positives every day and its not too difficult on the whole. Everything is comparative and counting blessings an easy task, so I guess I just have to keep on doing that. But I still wish I was more concerned about the price of carrots than the meaning of life.