Porthole

Deconstructing a short 24 syllable poem.

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Space Blog  (ASR) Cruising WDC cyberspace and raiding ports for blog prompts! #2223838 by Sharmelle's Expressions

From: "Invalid Item"  by J.L. O'Dell

The October 2nd Space Blog prompt:

Write about nature, stars and fireflies in your Blog entry today.

So... I'd rather write about the poem! 24 syllables is harder than it looks. One can break it down to 8/8/8 or 6/6/6/6 or 'almost a ballad' of 7/5/7/5 or an alexandrine couplet of 12/12, but it forces one to make choices regarding rhyme and rhythm. Free verse is fine but fitting any poetics into 24 syllables... like juxtaposition of images (it's longer than a haiku), alliteration, interesting rhythms (too short for limerick that needs 31-37), a image and response like tanka (17/14). A cinquain could be tweaked I suppose... 1/2/4/6/8/2/1 with an extra syllable at either end.

Word choice is crucial. An occasional 'is' or 'the' may be needed but both add little or nothing to the image or narrative.

To deconstruct this wonderful little poem. The prompt was 'gloaming'.

Nature's Splendor

The gloaming sky,
stars twinkle bright.
The fireflies respond,
with their own night light.
Nature’s magnificence.

© Copyright 2020 J.L. O'Dell

Overall: two 'the's doing nothing. The first is static; obvious, unless we're comparing two of them (in which case 'this' or 'these' works better); the second is superfluous as grammatically the plural doesn't need 'the'. I like the last line but it makes a better title. The first 4 lines are concrete so this last abstract line divides the poem into two parts 18/6 in the fashion of a tanka. If the last line is to be kept the title is superfluous and adds nothing. Where/when/why/how would correct this: "Sunday, September Seventh" (because ... alliteration), "The Dog-days of Pittsburg" (because ... fireflies are a summer event in Pennsylvania), "The day before the bomb fell" (Hiroshima was early August but hotaru (firefly) is June/July and evokes summer in Japanese culture/poetry), "50 years after the land was cleared" (because no habitat = no fireflies), "After breaking up with ..." (adds bittersweet).

Line by line suggestion:
1. 'through gloaming skies' (plural = no need for 'the'; through gives a sense of movement)
2. as is
3. 'while' could easily replace 'the' but adds little. Adjectives like 'glowing' are redundant. A one syllable word for desparate, sex-crazed or hopeful? Mad/daft... don't apply. A movement like 'darting' would be nice... except fireflies seem 'lazy'. Using 'lightning bugs' solves the syllable dilemma; although, in my dialect we say fi-er-flies (which is contrary to the dictionary) and I prefer that word.
4. as is.
5. 'before twilight's demise' (more concrete) 'nature's magnificence' can then serve as a title or combined with where/when/how/why/with-whom give a long title.

One way of putting this together:

The walk home after breaking up

Through gloaming skies,
stars twinkle bright.
Lightning bugs respond,
with their own night light
before twilight's demise.

If 'lightning bugs' is used there are 5 'ight's. If 'fireflies' three 'ize's. Lots of tight rhymes regardless and 8-9 cases of assonance of the diphthong 'ai' (6 in the original).

Anyhoo... rewriting' someone's poem is frowned upon in many circles, but critique groups sometimes do just that. In the era of the haiku masters, a master sliced and diced 'masterfully'.

I just add my 2 cents. It's fine as is... and there are 100 different ways to improve it.

I strongly suggest that others try out the 24 syllable contest:

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