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My attempt to Journal in public- I may get shy or not. Let's see. |
| I am searching for myself- anyone seen me lately? I have just turned 50 and feel like I am about to embark on a new journey. I have always kept a very secret and private journal of thoughts and ideas. Mostly, I have erratic memories and events jotted down with the occaisional sprinkling of philosophical thoughts spiced with ruminations. I am not always so willing to share. Twenty years ago I was in grad. school working hard. A stomach ache sent me to a doctor who eventually arrived at the estimation that I had about 8 years left to live (under the best conditions). I dropped out, buried myself in the mundane living of raising a family, savoring just about every minute. It is now 20 years later and I am going strong. So, what happens next? I guess we'll see. |
| Look! Another entry from me, ok... so what? Is there anything more to say? I am guessing yes. I want to make more of a direction for this blog. I just can't go on whining about my not writing... ok, I could, and I could whine about my job or the state of the world. What I kind of want to do is pick up the interest level, if nothing else for me. Ok, the other stuff can be interesting to me, and it is the stuff of most conversations (like the one I had with a buddy on the way home). He had just flown back into town from a bike vacation in Serbia... yeah, that Serbia in East South Europe with the bad reputation for being picking fights or something. His observations were that the people there had a little bit of a complex about not being good enough or something. They had felt the sting of CNN and huge media outlets going on about how "blood thirsty" they were. According to my friend, he and his wife had a good time visiting with them (as we say here in the South). He observed that the people there had a more localized loyalty- you had your family, your neighborhood, your town... sort of in that order of importance. Here in America we have taken it to a more national level. We are Americans first. There the people were from this town or that town, which was why the one town breaking free was such a big deal to folks that want "Serbia", but why the people in the town felt justified in leaving the "national" government and striking out on their own. Their first loyalty was to their locality. So I guess we will see how that plays out. In listening to my buddy's story I got to thinking. One of the main starting points for just about all conflict is the drawing of strong delineations between "us" and "them". It is like the boundaries of DeKalb County where I live- I see a sign post by the road, but the line is only in some map makers imagination. So, to cut to the chase, we imagine these lines all around the globe. We then humanize the folks on "our" side while dehumanizing the folks on the "them" side.. which makes it ok to kill, or bomb, or maim, or torture....THEM. Never mind that if one of them and one of us was on the dissecting table of some weird out of the world AlienSpaceShip the scientist doing the cataloguing of parts would see NO meaningful distinction between "US" and "THEM". The lines are all imaginary. I am thinking that I want to spend more time finding and erasing those lines. It is past time for building bridges not walls. This maybe one of those things that is easier said than done... like writing every day....hmmm? |
| I don't know how much I will have time to put down here tonight... or if all that much needs to go down. I saw a great quote the other day which is still re-routing circuits in my head. And, now it is out of my head... but as most famous words are quoted incorrectly anyway... here is my best shot at remembering: "You don't find yourself. You create yourself." And, no I don't remember who said it. I think I saw it in a recent issue of Ode Magazine or Utne Reader or maybe a fairly snappy local monthy called Skirt. And, yes, I could have written it all down, along with who said it- maybe. But, I didn't... heck, I can always spend a half hour looking through all the back issues I have... right? Ok, so organizing is not one of my long suits. I probably would have put it in my list of signature files for the tag end of my e-mails... but the full import of the words didn't actually hit me until long after I put the mag down and it simmered in my subconscious for a few days. Create my self? What a concept, I started here thinking I should be looking for myself... And, I should have been creating all along. Actually, I have been creating... we all do... it is just that most of us seem to be doing like I am... unconsciously. So, where to start creating? And, how much static to creating does come from outside of me? That is one of my quandries, is that wall of static a barrier I am to burst through, or the Universes way of saying, not here... there!? I don't do much thinking out loud, but maybe I could start. Anyway... time is about up for tonight, so I am out of here. If creating is something I am to do... it is time to start, now. |
| I had thought about making a New Year's resolution to keep writing EVERY day... does that sound familiar? Yeah, me, too. And, here I am- 36 days since I had thought about making that resolution with nary a entree in this ongoing missive to the world. Now, again, where to start I ask? Again, no answer... this is not a good sign. So, I keep putting this all off. It isn't like nothing is going on here. I have social stuff happening, I have work stuff happening. I have computer stuff happening. I finished just about all of Christopher Moore books I could find. I have listened to Naomi Klein and Philip Pullman (audiobooks of the recent writings). I attended a very interesting film and panel the other night on immigration. If you get a chance watch "The Invisible Chapel" by John Carlos Frey- then ask yourself just where on the compassion continuum do you fit? As I understand it, one of the clarion calls of the Christian walk is compassion, and it seems to be one of the missing components of our current culture and the immigration debate. And, now, my little notebook computer is fuzzing out on me. This just started yesterday. My screen has gotten all neon like and blinky- it is most distracting. I hope it clears itself up soon- I just can't afford a new one just yet. I used to be able to "fix" this by pressing the screen... not this time. Too bad, it is three years old, so it isn't a huge surprise. It is just that I have an iBook and I have now developed this issue while my wife has a cheap... I mean really cheap PC notebook- a tiny one- that is 3 months older and still going quite strong. Anyway, I guess we'll see. Anyway, time is about up for today... let's see if I can keep a more regular schedule here and get into more detail about some of the stuff going on. I mean, heck, we have quite a year going here with elections, a new boss, and some resolutions to keep up with. |
| Ok, so here we go with another entry... I don't even want to count the months... ok, I do and I am not pleased that the count is so high. Heck, it only takes a "little time" each day to put something here. And, it isn't like I am not opinionated or anything. I am thinking that the putting of the opinions out there blindly is kind of... well, let's say, just a tad more exciting that I want (at least so far) in my life. But, hey, once every couple of months some one writes or comments.... wait... that means someone is reading this. Ok, now, I just got more self conscious. But, heck, that is what this is all about, isn't it? Having someone read your words? Ok, conundrum happens and cognition goes dissonant at times, and I have a resolution time coming up to do more regular writing... and three weeks to get used to the idea. Hmmm. This last few months has been kind of more hectic in a way. I did a 10 day trek down the California coastline with my wife... about a 1,000 or so photos not many people will ever get to see, probably 900 or so I don't want to see again... but they are there. I did a double trek to Oxnard when my wife left her cell phone behind... and yes, it is a sinking feeling when you do the "Hey, Honey, call me so I can find my cell phone." and you hear the ringing in your phone, but the room you are in is silent. One fabulous new fangled thing with all the digital stuff... on the receipts we had were all the phone numbers of all places we had been since last sighting the wayward phone. The cool staff at Henri's in Oxnard found it, put it in a drawer, and saved it for me... so I got a second chance at a really great breakfast if you like Americana food. The next month, I don't have any really good excuse... I just didn't write... just about all month- ok three months. Now here it is December, I just deleted a couple of pages of reminders about doing this... and here I are. Thanksgiving at the in-laws came and went. My Peace Walk came and went... and I was in the best shape I have ever been in for that one... only some sore legs muscles and no blisters. Riding a bike to save gas (I work about 3 miles from my house most days of the week so I makes a perfect distance to ride to work... about the same time as taking the car and not enough distance to really sweat things up). The no blisters was due to switching to SmartWool socks and Merrill walking shoes... anyone who wants to go serious distances, I recommend trying out that combination of footwear. And, now, I find myself in December with preparations underway for the AngelSing on December 19th... my wife's birthday and huge carolling get together... even if you are not in the Decatur, GA area, join us by singing some of your favorite songs that night (we start @ 8PM EST). Yes, I do think that people can share vibrations over long distances when they share experiences and thoughts- then e-mail me if you want. Or e-mail me now and get directions (which can be a scary thing to just put out there, but folks do gather from far and wide). We even had someone on an international flight get folks singing at the "right" time one year, then let us know how the event had just become "international" that night. And, now, I am about to wind this one up... I have found out why it is good to do just a little typing or writing every day... muscles are involved. One thing I really ought to get into here is the Peace Walk I do each year... it seems like such a waste of time until I get to the other end and realize that I have truly stepped out of my usual boundries and boxes. An occaisional step outside the box is important to keeping vibrant... so here goes... only later for now. |
| What has been going on here? I have not done this in a very long time. Not that I have been un-busy, I just have not had anything to post here. Ok, I guess two months of being so shy is not such a great idea... heck, I have a paid membership to this place... you would think I would make more of an effort. Anyway, I have nothing much to add here, so I guess I will quit now. Gosh, this is depressing and stressing. You would think I would get right into putting all the stuff up here I am doing... but no. Maybe later. Ok, wind this thing up for a few days and get on with ignoring journals and stuff. |
| I am about to head out for a few days. I have been out for the last couple of weeks. It is not like I am doing nothing- I have been very busy... just not writing. Is it summer? Is it me? I can be so easily distracted. Life seems to have so many fun things going on this summer and looking at a blank page just isn't one of them. Oh I have tried. I have a writing group that is beginning to meet at the house- I think we are going to call it Read & Eat or something equally creative. It is a group of about 4 or 5 of us aspiring writers with various levels of stories and skills. But, even for them, I can't seem to work up a time to get words on pages... and they are coming over in just a couple of weeks. Nothing. Oh I got one started- some story about a guitar and self storage (it is where I work)- but it seems to have stymied out in the haze of hot weather, work, and taking a walk with my Buddhist friends to Oak Ridge. I don't think that I could make my life a long walk chanting sacred words of blessing and peace in 90 degree summer heat- but sometimes it is easier than writing. My job is feeling crazy all of a sudden. I first get the go ahead to work lots of hours, someone is out and we have to make budget on payroll. Ok, no OT (over time)- but I can come in early and work up to a full 40 hours. It doesn't work. We are still way under budget and get fussed at because we are not ranked No. 1 in the category. The very next pay period- the opposite happens. The someone comes back to work. Hours are scarcer than hens teeth and I get my time card shaved because I came in too early on a couple of days with no chance to correct the error by taking time off. I complain, take the time off, and supposedly it gets corrected... but I don't see it. I point out that what just happened was "illegal" and get yelled at for "not following the schedule". Basically, for doing what had been fine just the week before. It is called crazy-making and Corporate America is full of it. Just ask anyone who has had to deal with Customer No Service. Anyway- I am out of here for now, back in a couple of weeks... the other blessed event of summer- vacations. Work and hobbies take a break, I am travelling. |
| I admit, I have not done much of this lately. I have gotten so out of the habit, I have to wonder. Then, I look around my life- I see a pattern here. I like to start things. I don't care about finishing or continuing things. My spouse, Lynn, on the other hand, has this finishing gene all down pat. It gets in her way starting sometimes, because she knows that she HAS to finish what she starts... sometimes, that very day. I have no such compulsion. Thus, when she sits down in the morning to begin a writing project, for example, she is as likely to still be at it 20 hours later as not. I on the other hand, will get up go get some coffee, take a walk, fall into a book, something. Or, even before I get started... I find YouTube or iTunes, or someplace far more interesting (or is that distracting). Long and short of it... I don't do this (or any other project). And, then, I get to here- not really wanting to write about deep personal stuff yet running slap out of trite surface stuff. Oh yeah, I have a question here- why did the woman decide it was ok to confront me about the bumperstickers on my wife's van the other day? I was at the MARTA station waiting for a friend to show up and give a ride to, when this floozy looking, scantily clad Paris Hilton wannabe clone stuck her face in the window and told me how disgusted she was by my bumperstickers and how I should be ashamed. The rush of anger off her that washed over me was overpowering. Look folks, Pro-Peace, Anti-President, Stop War bumperstickers are not all that un-American... in fact, they are more American than blindly following some idiot down the primrose path. Just for a bit more background, I had noticed the woman in her Mercedes drive the wrong way up a bus only drive, park in a bus only lane, then get yelled at by two or three bus drivers, before she parked behind me in the Kiss & Ride lane. As I think back on this incident, I am more sure now that her recent experience with being in the wrong place encouraged her to yell at someone else and ground her anger. She was not rational and could not hear my side of any of it. I have had a relatives in the conflict zone, I have not been in favor of armed conflict, and I am not satisfied with the non-investigation of 9/11. She did that talk radio non-argument thing of, "so it's Bush, Bush, Bush..." then stomped off. She never got to hear how it has been a long slow decline into wasted war efforts in the Mid-East since before Jimmy Carter. She was not interested in a political dialogue (like the ones I have with the relatives who fully support the war and went into Afghanistan). We agree to disagree and get on with life and cancelling out each others votes most of the time. This woman was more interested in just flat out yelling at someone over something. Maybe she was having a fight with the old geezer in her car (or his car, maybe). I suspect that she took my bumper stickers as signs of someone she could abuse and not be in danger with... a good choice on her part. I would not respond with violence- argument, maybe... discussion, always... not violence. What the incident also points up is the deepening divide in this nation over the war, and the ease with which some folks resort to violence- verbal or physical. This might be something we want to start getting over if we are to truly solve the issues of conflict facing us. And, this has gone on about long enough with no end in sight (the war and this entry). So, let me close down now by noting that this strange woman yelled about something she had no control over after she had been chastised about a wrong decision she made, and really got me to thinking about what makes me go off. And, usually, it doesn't happen around bumperstickers. And, it usually doesn't happen with people I am in relationship with... only distant strangers when I feel "safe". I think I see something in myself here that I want to work on... learning that I have no strangers in my life, only friends I haven't met, yet. |
| I am not sure where to start or what to write about. The problem seems to have settled in for a long stay. I know, just keep putting something on paper. And, I do. I just shudder and come to a stop where this whole world thing starts. Yes, I know, the whole world is not going to read this much self absorption, but there it is. The ugly rearing head of perfectionism and snobbishness- and it is all self inflicted. That seems to be my issue, self inflicted limits or perfectionisms of one kind or another. I am, also, finding myself short of time a lot lately. I seem to have 5 minutes here or 10 minutes there and just about the time I get ready to get into it... bam, times up or someone is calling or something happens. I keep blaming my wife, but the issue isn't hers. It is mine. I have to find time somehow, even if it is to start grabbing 5 minutes here or ten minutes there. I have a notebook and pen (you know the old fashion way). I can jot notes for later reference. And, I can find a moment- like now. Let's see if I can follow up on finding a little more time this week. I have lot's of opinions. Some of them could get some play here. So, we'll see. Anyway, more later, and here is to it not being so much later. |
| Another month or so has gone by, one would think that nothing has been going on in my life. And, they might be right on some levels. I certainly, have not found anything going on that I wanted to put up here. One of the problems was finding time. The biggest problem was just not doing it. I have some things that have gone on that have caused me to do some thinking. I just have not been ready to share them... and I kind of still find myself hesitant. One of the things that comes to mind was a letter from a very distant acquaintance. The letter was a repeat of a column by a writer in another country. The gist of it was that he had been talking with a construction worker of Christian heritage from Lebanon. The guy was basically complaining that Israel had not done a good enough job killing Muslim radicals last summer. The Muslims had "won" in his opinion. Also, he, the former teacher now carpenter, opined that the US was not doing enough to wipe out terrorists in Iraq. That the Muslim young men who attend the Muslim schools in the rural parts of the Mid-East are being turned into fanatics in these schools. Overall, the piece was a heart tugging plea for the world to look on these fanatics as some sort of inhuman monsters bent on world domination. I hope I have done the piece some justice here with out lifting it whole clothe into my writing. And, while I can sense the unease and pain from the entire situation, I have problems with the article. They are in some ways small problems and issues, yet they define the problem in the world as I am beginning to see it. The article dehumanizes one of the protagonists in the Mid East struggle. The Muslim men are lumped into some "sub-human" category of beings that it becomes beneficial to kill. In the same manner and style that they seem to be, according to the article, being trained to look at other non-Muslims. There is a problem here for me and for anyone who might want to solve this. I think I am the only person on earth to see this sometime, but the problem with all this seems to me to be the willingness and need to catagorize other human beings as targets of some sort and give our armies permission to kill them willi-nilly. The huge Armageddon battle I see forming is between human beings willing to cooperate and get along versus those who re-label others as targets and are willing to kill them to get control over something. There is to me, too much emphasis, by all parties, on military solutions to political and social problems. There is no way either side can kill enough of the other side to make that much difference in the end result- with out ruining the end result for all enternity. One thing I have watched happen over and over again in the corporate world and in life, if someone does not feel heard... they rebel in destructive ways. Most of the time, someone will go along with something they don't agree with, if they feel heard and that they have had their say. The end result has to be "fair" on some agreed upon level, but they do go along cooperatively. I have gone along for the better good of the group eventhough, I have personally suffered on occaision. Most people do. Anyway, that was one of the things I was thinking about this month. I still don't know if I have fully expressed myself or even finished thinking about all of it. And, this does get back to my personal life in lots of ways. I am guilty of taking the power over short cuts in lots of places. I mean, it is way more efficient. The thing gets DONE in very little TIME. And life goes on... yet something is missing. Often, the soul of what I deeply want out of life gets slammed. The times I have taken the time and used the fore thought to seek and obtain cooperation the end result is deeply satisfying not only to me, but to all involved. This is going on and on, time to change topics- Spring as come and gone and seems to be coming again. The yard needs cutting. I don't have a "lawn", I have green growing things that mow down nicely. Recently, I was greeted by green growing things with small delicate purple flowers intersperced with green growing things with vigorous yellow flowers that turned into dandelion puff balls. It has been magical now for a couple of weeks, but I know my neighbors are starting to wonder if the jungle will get sheared. Yeah, sometime, it is not a priority until all the flowers are gone. I mean what do you like, a flat green sameness surface or a magical purple, yellow, green carpet of rolling heights and various textures? Give me the texture everytime. Also, it looks kind of cloudy out there, might rain, don't want to cut in the rain, do I? The day for mowing will be here soon enough. I guess I have issues with bending reality to my will. That makes it difficult for me to "manifest" I think, but it makes me extremely gratiful for what does happen in cooperation. It also, gets me in some small bits of trouble when I take time to get to know people rather than get "work done". Anyway, that is about all for now. I certainly hope another month passes before I sit down to do this again. |
| Seems like there was something I wanted to mention here, good thing my life is not at stake. What is it with a blank page? A ton... ok, maybe they were not all that weighty, there were a lot of them, though... of thoughts have danced in my head over the last month. I did not jot them down, you know, they were so good I would simply remember them immediately when the time came. I am guessing that this is not the time. Oh yes, I know, get a notebook, or keep a tape (digital) recorder handy at all times... I do. The issue is now in going off and finding the recorder and notebook- it is in the way all things lazy and whining... downstairs. Oh my! Ok, I could go down there if I really wanted and thought the ideas were all that... but they aren't. That is the main problem... they just aren't. Oh yeah, I should let you make that judgement. My filter is all clouded with self-judgements and old put downs, and, maybe, one day I will just get them... but I should remember them, (please inject here an expletive of appropriate age and level of euphemistic need). But, there goes the train of thought into the stream of consciousness up to the roof. And, now, I am stuck, again. Is this a common writer's thing? Getting stuck? I am thinking it is. In some ways, it is the end of winter settling in with the blahs. The seeds are germinating. Here in Atlanta, the bulbs are all daffodilling out of the ground. Robins are moving through in large swarms (or whatever they are called- gaggles are geese, etc.). I am thinking the world will start moving and shifting soon. The urge to shovel dirt and get seeds in the ground is building. Maybe I can link some of this to writing or reviewing and stuff. Or not. I do sense the building of energy toward a shift of some sort- spring and new beginnings is near. Now, to remember what those Resolutions were. |
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