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My attempt to Journal in public- I may get shy or not. Let's see. |
| I am searching for myself- anyone seen me lately? I have just turned 50 and feel like I am about to embark on a new journey. I have always kept a very secret and private journal of thoughts and ideas. Mostly, I have erratic memories and events jotted down with the occaisional sprinkling of philosophical thoughts spiced with ruminations. I am not always so willing to share. Twenty years ago I was in grad. school working hard. A stomach ache sent me to a doctor who eventually arrived at the estimation that I had about 8 years left to live (under the best conditions). I dropped out, buried myself in the mundane living of raising a family, savoring just about every minute. It is now 20 years later and I am going strong. So, what happens next? I guess we'll see. |
| I am glad I have made the turn for another year. You would think that January 1st of a new year might be a great time to make a committment to write every day. I do. And this is turning into one more of those resolutions, you know the kind, the "road not taken" variety. Part of my problem... yes I get to blame this one on anything I want... was my room set up- or rather not set up. My space doubled as a "guest" room. Which we thought might be a once in a few months kind of thing. For the past couple of years, the "guest" room has been mostly vacant. I thought it was a good way to have a space and share it, too. Then December happened. We had guests and housemates from all over just about constantly. My nice private corner, became sleep over headquarters for some very interesting people. And, still is. I hope what I have done today is going to make things better. At my wife's urging, I moved my writing desk and computer out into a nook in the upstairs mezzanine. It is kind of a cozy cubi- kind of space. I have a window to look out- for some reason open sky and trees help calm the restlessness of trying to write for me. Not that writing seems to be all that high on my agenda lately. Funny, I am beginning to observe that my notion of what Maslow was getting at might just apply in many aspects of art and creativity. What I am refering to is the need hierarchy he observed. People have to feel secure, bonded, fed, and settled before creative urges can find the light of day (or the lamplight of night). For the past three or four months, secure, settled and bonded have been not on the list. Oh, the partner and now wife is bonded- the rest of my life was out of whack. At work, the larger fish was digesting the merger. My job was changing rapidly and quite frankly, I am still not so sure the will keep me. Although, January 1st, that is more likely. That was the statute of limitations on the severance agreement (in other words, any lay offs before January had a severance package attached- after that it was all new territory). I am still there and on the schedule- so that fear settled more into place. The steady stream of house guests has kept the feeling bonded kind of in upheaval. New folks and their "brain buzz" keep me off balance. The brain buzz is especially intense when the other folks are going through the "high drama" of breaking up with someone over the Christmas Holidays. Looks like time is up for now.... later. |
| At the moment, I have several hundred photos loading on my computer's hard drive. They are of Niagara Falls (from the Canadian side, if you must know). I know- I have been doing the joke from the Three Stooges show all month- "Niagara Falls!!! Slowly he turns, step by step, etc." It was getting good laughs until we finally got there and stayed a day. Oh, yeah... over the last three months I have managed to lose a job with one company and keep it with the new owner, something else, and get married (then go on a honeymoon to Niagara Falls..."Niagara Falls, slowly he turned, inch by inch, step by...well you get the idea). That is a lot to pack into a late summer and fall. Not to mention, the travelling we did up to that point. We went to Pittsburgh in August to witness the women's ordination on the river there. That is kind of a big deal in some quarters of our life (like my new brother in law who is studying to become a more regular deacon in the Roman Church- They don't want women in that role for some reason). And, some of my photos got published. There were many really good photographers there, so my success was kind of a lark for me (and a pleasant surprise). I am kind of hesitant to mention much of this- it is such a hot topic with people taking sudden sides and issues, but it was important. September went past in a flash. With not much to go on about, except planning the big day, it still seemed like only a week packed into 30 days. The big event was in October. So, why did I do it? The time was right. I have loved this woman for a very long time, and have been very appropriate the whole time. We met back in the 80's- she was married to someone else. I later got married to someone else. We both have daughters about the same age... with the same name arrived at indepentantly of each other. We even interacted as families for awhile. Then as people do who live a hundred miles from each other, we eased out of contact. I didn't realize at the time, she was just before having serious difficulty with her then husband. Neither did she, it did happen though. I stay out of contact... I was married and it would have been confusing. Then one day about 10 years later, I realized that I was now "not married". I had just been through a fairly traumatic year starting with my Father dying, my job shifting me 90 miles away, and my up until I had no inheritance wife, sueing for divorce. I needed some reconnecting to a part of my life from when I last felt whole. I dug through an old addressbook and found her old phone number. I figured she had remarried and I could met and reconnect with who I used to be in a supportive way. What I didn't know was that she had spent a day the summer before, standing on Lake Ontario chanting and singing with the intention of calling her mate to her. Because of our marriages, we had put each other "off limits"... even after our marriages died. I was not in her mind, nor she in mine at the time. When I called her phone the following spring to leave a message, she heard my voice and something inside of her "chunked" into place. The rest as they might say... was history. Six years later, we have made things official in a legal way. The spirit and connection have always been there in a holy way... it is now complete. So, for some reason, over the past three months, jotting musings here seems to have been far down the list of "things to get done". That may or may not change. And, it doesn't matter that much, yet. |
| Looks like it has been a long time in coming- this new post. I guess I am not the most dedicated writer out there. No matter- things have happened and not all of them should be shared here or there. What are some of the things that might make the world better? Or my life happier? Or your life happier? These are some of things we all work on at times... or in some cases, continuously. I have found a couple of really decent books about this stuff. One by Wayne Dyer and one by Srikumar Rao (this one is out from the library and is past being renewed and into my pocket- but I can't let it go yet). The changes I find recommended in these books are internal attitudes that shift... if you can. Sometimes I find I like my internal attitudes and opinions... and I see where they are limiting me. It is subtle, but as I let these attitudes go and look at things with a fresh perspective- life shifts. I see in these books some of the underpinnings of why Jesus teachings would work. As I look back into the Bible and cross reference the sense of the teaching- I usually find a parallel or parable devoted to teaching the concept. I will mention more of this later. One other big change is in my work life. The company I am working for is getting "merged" with a bigger company. My position seems to be safe and I seem to be a valuable assest, and we will see how it all shakes out. Many of the redundant jobs are getting their separation letters now... so far I am still working. This is a good thing. And, I am about out of time for today... I really ought to make this more of a habit. |
| Most of my time lately seems to be hung up with not writing so much. Oh I crank out a note or two in my Journal, but when it comes to wanting to put anything here... well, let just say I get stumped. Part of the issue is just how public do I want to make some of my internal thrashings... most of which seem to bore even me (and I have a high tolerance for this sort of thing... just ask my boss and co-workers). He will be quick to tell you I have a high tolerance for hearing people out. Some times, it feels like I am giving folks a little free therapy, other times it is just tedious. And, sometimes it is just a little time spent before the facade breaks open and the real person shows through. This very thing happened to me, for example, a couple of years back. I was in very deep financial straits. My dad died. I came home from the funeral to a potential divorce serving. My job moved me 90 miles to a deeply problemed store to run... all in about 30 days time. The divorce came through, the job turned out even worse and my credit cards hyped themselves on steroids. For the next two years, I was not in a very good frame of mind. In an attempt to collect money owed... before I did a slam dunk bankruptcy, one of the agents got me on the phone. He literally hammered me for an hour and a half. He really gave me what for in the way of being a deadbeat and not paying my bills. It literally took me an hour and a half of harangue before I got a word in edgewise. He told me at one point that I was driving around in a $21,000 dollar car. It was a 6 year old Ford Taurus with about 90,000 miles on it at the time. I regret not offerring it to him for that amount of money and buying his airplane ticket to Atlanta to buy it for $21,000. It was all part of the harague. Finally, I got a word in edgewise. I was able to then talk with the human being on the other end of the phone- explaining that my dad died, I came home from the burial to a divorce paper, and lost my job... I was not in a position to pay him anything. I could almost feel the breath leaving his mouth. He hung up, and in a very American manner, sold the account to some one else. My girl friend was sitting there listening to the entire conversation from myside, saying every 10 minutes, Why are you doing this, just hang up on him." When it was over she observed that I had more patience than any one she has ever seen. That was about 6 years ago and I am back on track and being productive. She and I have since broken up and gotten back together. We will probably get married this year. And, I have a serious, on-going commitment to hear people out on stuff. I try to not be too judgemental about folks. And, ironically, as part of my job, I have to make those sorts of calls myself. I have to admit, it is an interesting circle to have to come around. And, I have learned that sometimes you just have to let things go. |
| I have, once again, let this thing lapse for a long time. Part of it is that I don't really share my journaling all that much. Ok, I have not shared anything much, except what drivel I have managed to spill out on this site. I have a couple of other journals I keep more privately. Then I sit here and wonder about what to put up here. The "fear" is that someone will read it and take things out of balance- and that I might reveal more that I want to about myself... oh horrors, especially for more normal writers. But, I am not so normal, I think. I don't especially care if I am published or not- ok, it would be fun. I don't have an overwhelming urge to send of piece after piece to editors or publishers. I just can't not write something down every day. It doesn't have to be earthshattering (and it often isn't). I will sit down and jot some rambling thing or another in my computer, mostly kicking ideas around or marking some event in my life when a thought occurs to me. At some point, in a conversation, this little idea, usually, pops out and conversation stops. Someone will turn to me and say something like- "I never thought of that before" or they will burst out laughing because some improbable connection just got made in their head between reality and mental framework. It isn't much, but it is gratifying to see someone have an "Aha" moment. What I really need to start doing is not editing so much about what I share- I could make this a log of entrys of my moments of connection, instead of keeping them so buried...and realize that no one really reads boring blogs (so I am safe). And, now, I have run out of time and so hopefully will try this again sometime before two or three weeks... |
| I am getting kind of slow about doing this blog thing. I thought I had a couple of good topics out there... then I didn't write them down... and now I am sitting here at a blank page wondering what it is I want to write about. Where do I start on something I can't decide on? I have been out to a couple of events that struck me in odd ways. One, that struck home in a hard way, happended last night. I gor up early to video a speech by a friend of mine. She was doing the keynote at a meeting of a large day care company. We were there from about 8:30 AM until oneish in the afternoon. Which isn't all that noreworthy, exept then, tired from that bit of work, I went to my CAMA meeting a spent almost three hours video taping one of the lectures. They guy was showing us about a new machine that he claimed measured the elasticity of the walls of your arteries. The mechanism I don't quite understand yet. What I do understand is that it beams an infrared beam through the finger nail, then measures the sub-micro dialations of the arteries in the fingers. My pulse is about 73 beats per minute, which is kind of hign normal. But, according to this, my arteries are a mess. I have the equivalent artery to a 73 year old man (I am about 51 give or take a month). That is a scary thought in many ways- expecially since the circulatory system is so imporant to keep healthy to stop strokes or heart attacks. My grandfather on my dad's side moved away a long time ago- but I seem to remember that he died in his 50s from a... yup... heart attack. My mom's dad had three heart attacks before age 60, then went on to live into his 90s. My dad had a heart attack sometime in his 50s... so, with all the pizza and cheeseburgers I eat, I am thinking that it may only be a matter of time. With that in the background of my medical history, when my doctor mentioned that I had high blood pressure last year, I basically spent the next three months blowing him off. I haven't gone back to him to follow up because I didn't want to go on blood pressure medicine for a just over average blood pressure check. Last night, I got the nudge from the new machine that I might need to go start paying attention and taking care of this issue. Not that I should need an excuse or a reason, but to get the confirmation that my arteries may be heavily walled with debris is unsettling. I know my desk is full of clutter. I know my dresser is full of clutter. But, that my arteries my be full of clutter is just too much. And, on some level, the universal field of my life may be trying to get a message to me about decluttering my life. If you don't deal with stuff... it clutters. On my desk, it is an inconvenience, in my circulatory system it could be serious injury or death. Which brings me around to noticing that I could make a belated New Year's Resolution to eath more healthy, to begin taking some supplements to help the heart and arteries, and to start a daily exercise routine (nothing strenuous- walking more, stretching, or riding my bike). This isn't rocket science. And, the main thing I might do more of is give my physiscian a little break. Let him do his treatment for pressure relief and take a load off my heart. However, at the moment, I want a Moon Pie in the worse possible way. I'll keep this posted on my continued quest for living longer. |
| Ok, I remember writing something here about trying to not have so many updates happen or so many reminders show up in my mail box... now I feel like a bit of a "failure" in that I just signed back on line and found a page full of reminders. I seem to have not been on line for about two weeks. Where did the time go? I was just here a few days ago... right? And, here reality hits... I haven't been paying attention. How often does this sort of reality hit folks? You know, you are trying to do something, you make a goal of it, then whammo- looks like absolutely no progress has been made. I am probably just about the only person this happens to... yeah, right. It is not that I am the only one... but in my ego filled existance, I am the only one I worry about. You can do it all you want, when I do it, I have stress (or not). What is important in this process, I am learning, is the "self-talk" that goes on. At this point I can "beat myself up" over missing a deadline- go back into my memory of being "chewed out" by an adult or I can change it into a gentle reminder and encouragement. What I am learning lately seems to be how to more gently remind myself and not get so "angry" with all the missed attempts and look like failings. Ok, so I didn't write in this blog for two weeks. When I look back through my computer's memory of writing, I have done some important work. I have made entrys in other journals, I have written several letters, and I have gone out. I mean it, I might have missed doing this and I have chosen other things and that is ok. I am writing now- and focusing on any other emotion is a waste of time. If I get into this fully and enjoy it... next time it becomes less of a chore. If I don't enjoy it, then maybe I need to look at other options and move on. After all, and this is important, it is MY goal. Not an outside goal imposed on my by others. So what if Writing.com sends out a gazillion reminders? I can do this at my own pace. Now, I do feel the pressure, but I can unfeel the pressure, too. And, who really cares, anyway? Yep, me. I am the only one that really cares and wonders about what to put in here. So, off we go. And, sometime later, I will remember some of what I had thought about putting in here. Cool things like on January 19th, the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius was started (if you believe this one astrologer and completely disregard the rest of the body of astrology). The actual beginning of the Age of Aquarius (listen to the musical "Hair" for a description of the "Dawning" part) comes in several hundred years- unless you believe Aleister Crowley who insisted it started about the end of the Spanish-American War. However, there is a dawning before the actual sunrise. I know I like to get up in the dark of the night and watch the sun begin to come up- with the first glimmer of light on the horizon. Well, this was it for the next Age, maybe. Since it is my birthday coming up in the middle of Aquarius- I guess I am predisposed to look for more of the same only larger anywhere I can. Anyway, it is giving me hope that Humankind can and will find a better way of dealing with conflict than with ever greater amounts of violence. Oops- where did that come from? Ok- stream of consciousness strikes again. But, we will always have conflict and just like how we deal with ourselves when we miss a goal, so we deal with those around us. I would like to think that we are all getting to where we communicate more gently, listen to differing opinions, then work towards mutual, cooperative problem-solving. We need to stop yelling at ourselves and beating ourselves up over things- and more importantly stop beating up others over the same stuff. |
| Ok, I can understand marketing your products. I even give a little benefit of the doubt to spammers. But, yesterday I got a letter from a credit card company that left me wondering just how intelligent they think I am. The offer of the century was a pre-approved card for 9.9% interest per year. Ok, for background, I did go through bankruptcy a couple of years ago. I did not go after any new credit cards for a long time. I finally did go after one last year, and got it- it does have and annual fee (one annual fee) and a higher than average interest rate (actually it has an interest rate equivalent to the one being offered to me yesterday). And, it is being kept under control (with Christmas past it got a touch out of control but should be down again by March). I am being much more careful this side of my "problem". The new offer was for a credit card with a $250 limit- it then spelled out in a small booklet inside the offer some of the fees involved. There was a start of fee of about 30 dollars. There was an annual membership fee of about 90 dollars. And there was a 72 dollar fee for some thing or another. The bottom line here is that just by responding to the offer I was going to be on the hook for about 200 dollars in start up fees. Bam- just like that- I was about to be hooked for more than my current card payment. The really rich part of the scam was that everytime I qualified for an increase in my credit limit- there was a 25 dollar fee to pay. I started laughing. I put the booklet in my file of things that ought to be against the law and destroyed the rest of the letter and plastic card. I looked very closely to see of by not responding they would be able to charge me anything. Looks like even in Wisconsin things like that are against the law. (yes, I think the offer came from a band of crooks up in Wisconsin but don't hold me or Wisconsin responsible for I am being lazy and Wisconsin is a great state). I am still puzzled as to how they knew I existed- but who knows. I feel very sorry for folks who feel like they need to take these shysters up on this offer. If this was the only credit card I could possibly qualify for- I would be on a cash only lifestyle. There was no phone number to call or I could have called and just started laughing. I thought about writing the company and doing some sort of similar thing in a letter- "about your offer- hahahahahahahhah!" But, they might have seen that as a response, signed me up and tried to collect 200+ dollars in fees. No, this "offer" is best used for tinder in the wooden stove and lit with a small prayer that no one gets taken in by these crooks. Anyway- enough of that for now. I just can't believe it was a serious cc offer- just a scam. But, how many other little tricky things are out there waiting for some desperate or gullible person to happen upon them? How many folks read the letter and saw the plastic card, phoned the number, then gasped when the first bill arrived? Where is the service to people? Are we becoming so self serving as a country and society as to allow this kind of predatory lending to go on? I would much rather be turned down for credit (like I was a year ago) have some scam like this played out on me. I realize I have personal responsibility to make some of these judgements myself about myself. Where is the sense of responsibility to banks and Credit card companies to be careful with their money and not lend it to people who can't pay it back? And so it goes. |
| Ok, so I haven't been the most reliable blogger in the universe. I have to admit, I have not kept much of a blog going here. I keep getting 5 or 6 reminders before getting around to jotting anything here. And, then, I usually have just a few minutes to put "something" down, then I have to go. So, what is here is mindless drivel of a sort. Perhaps a really good New Year's resolution would be to write here more consistently. I would say every day, but after 50 or so years on the planet... I know better. Just like changing anything in one's life, the goals and aims must be doable. I have watched lots of people... and myself... try to diet or cease some bad habit or another or change attitudes. What I see for myself is that changing just a little at a time and sticking with it works the best. Also, it is important to make a positive change or step. I have found that cutting things out has much less energy or effectivess than vowing to do something differently. For example, I once weighed in about 210 lbs- on a 5'9" frame. No, I wasn't especially round or rolly-polly- but the love handles were very cuddly and I ended up panting every morning as I tied my shoes. Currently, I am about 180 lbs- not especially svelte and definitely not emaciated looking- but I fell much better, I can see my feet and I can maintain a higher level of activity. How did I do it? I wanted to for the first step... not just a wish, but a determined want to. I then viualized myself weighing about 170 lbs. (take a half hour to sit quietly and deeply feel every part of your body feeling healther and lighter then tell your body what weight you want). I then made a determined effort to start choosing the healthest food available- example, I used to drink lots of colas. Instead of soda, I made a vow to choose water. It is subtle, but it is different from trying to stop drinking cokes. And, don't even try to sell me on diet drinks... the chemicals are worse to me than the sugars. I switched to chosing water or juice or my poison of choice, black coffee or tea. That was a couple of years ago, now it seems natural and effortless. I don't even want candy (except dark semi-sweet chocolate) or junk. I do crave whole fruit, foods I can identify and water (and coffee... that may be a one day in the future decision). I am not in perfect health by any means. I have high blood pressure and still carry more weight than I should- but I can walk a mile to my favorite coffee shop and music hangout without dieing (yes, I am careful crossing streets- diet all you want but a bus can put you away for good). I ride a bike to work in good weather and enjoy meals. Which brings me around to making another change for this year- choosing to spend more time putting things down in words or journals- here and other places. I might even add a story or book or something to the mix- mostly, I will just choose to spend time writing instead of watching. I will feel successful if I can avoid getting the weekly reminders to update my blog (an achievable and measurable effect). So, we'll see. |
| I guess this has been awhile. I haven't had a chance to do much of anything "fun" this season. Working in the semi-retail world of storage and truck rentals, things just seem to keep piling on. I am amazed at how many folks have to move this time of year. Today was a flurry of last minute preparations and move ins. One person mentioned that he had been meaning to do this all week... then today, right before I was to close, in he came. I guess that is a monument to deadlines. And, that is why the owners are open today. I noticed that it has been two weeks (or so) since I last posted. One of the things I wanted to write about one day- so here are some notes- is about my friend Santa. I won't use his "real" name here. One of the side benefits of being in the storage industry is meeting some of the more colorful street people around. These are the folks that may live under bridges, in abandoned trucks, or just flat out on the street. They have precious items they want to save. So, they store them. Sometimes, they try to live in the units. No one allows that too much. Oops, time out. More later, if I think about it. |
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