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A glimpse into my unconventional mind. |
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A journal is a discovery. To tell you in this paragraph, details and topics of this blog would be difficult. So, come by once in a while, kick off your shoes, have 'a cup a', and converse with me. I sure would love to have you.(e:delight} |
| It's been so long since I've seen the pages of writing.com. Share a glass of champagne with me please! I FINALLY MADE SETTLEMENT ON MY VERY OWN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! The feeling is so deeply felt I'm not sure I can explain. One thing for sure, My life is taking a whole new course and I am flowing easily. Get this....less than one week after my settlement, I got fired from my job. Ok, so shocked fits right? My boss and I had been butting heads lately. He's stubborn amd so am I but, I thought this was something positive. He really has some issues with women though and had taken to micro=managing. The business is not doing well and he is scared but not listening to any suggestions, including mine. I was beginning to feel smothered and stifled. In the long run, I am very happy except, I need to pay my mortgage! I've applied at a few places and have two months in the bank. I am ebaying plus haircutting and I am beginning numerology readings. Writing is easier now so beginning the submission process will happen sooner than later. I am a survivor and LIFE IS GRAND!! Life has been occuring at an unusually hectic pace and the random changes are startling yet for some reason, anticipated. The flow feels good so I must be doing something right. Peace |
| When last we met my lie was clearly limbo incarnate. Ah how change simply happens and just when we think nothing ever will. Thursday, April 27th I became a home owner! This on going agonizing mortgage process came to an ending.... beginning my new path. I have not felt this sense of the world being right in quite a long time. Friday, April 28th I turned 48 years old. Happy Birthday to me! On to ripping up carpets! |
| Ok, so I'm still waiting on a mortgage. This is up there with one of the worst times in my life but then...maybe not. I've been forced to think about why I am upset over this waiting and not knowing and then being told 'no', we can't help you get the money you need to fulfill your dreams. Why is my self worth tied into this random equation? Why do I care what some companies guidelines decide about me? And, is it really me or the facsimile of me they've determined through their guidelines? Whoa, deeep s*** here. I have cried, been driven crazy, wondered if I'll get through and succumbed to a drunken binge. What in the world is going on? Why has this experience changed me so? I am the same person only focused. Staying positively determined has never been so difficult. Is the3 lack of nicotine still influential after 5 weeks? Maybe but, I need to regroup. Take charge again and not be fooled by the sad illusion of status before me. I AM WONDERFUL WITH OR WITHOUT A MORTGAGE. |
Well, 3 days from now I'll be a home owner. A single mom, sole bread winner, scared to death home owner I've been preparing but I keep waking up in the middle of the night, thoughts swirling through my head, heart racing practically thumping through my chest. I know what owning a home is like with a spouse but by myself...well...this is taxing my co-dependence to no end  Quitting smoking was the right move though. It has been three weeks now. Yeah, I still have bad days but at this stage of the game, there is no way I'm starting again. I know if I ever go back I'll never quit again. I have too many grandbabies to look forward to for that! But most importantly, by quitting this costly habit, I've created the vacuum I need for 1)belief in my ability to accomplish these payments and 2)belief in a longer life in which to enjoy my new home. I cannot tell you what hope and joy there is in my soul (underneath the immediate fear). I have been floundering for the past 2 years after leaving my second husband. His over-reaction to our dog was enough for me. No one in their right mind wants to shoot a dog for doing it's business(ok the "where" of his business was inappropriate but come on)I digress. The point is, believing in yourself is tough when you are finally aware that you have to do it by yourself. Having a significant other lulls you into a false sense of contentment that when snatched away, (much like someone yanking the covers off while you sleep so comfortably)leaves you vulnerable. Courage is essential and an ability to keep going. And so I keep going...on and on...until I .......hah, you thought I'd say die huh? Not me. I'm a Taurus, we never say die |
| Well, did you all know that Mercury is retrograde? And, do you think I really understand what that means? NO WAY! But. I will say, since this retrogade business began a few weeks ago, things have been nuts! You have to be aware every moment, things come out of nowhere to sabatoge your very life! Stress? That is mild people, mild. Ok, you probably think my reaction is purely a lack of the old cancer sticks. Hah! It's been almost two weeks! Yeah, it's still hard but this etrograde thing is worse. It's not just me either. Almost everyone I know has issues bothering them big time just now. Help is coming though. Next week, retrograde turns around for Mercury. Keep in mind, there are two eclipses this month and a few other happenings that haven't been happenings for a long, long time. You really should catch up on this stuff. It's almost as good as the excuse, "the sun was in my eyes"! |
| Sometimes I am baffled by my own feelings. Usually, I work hard, see results, move forward and keep going. Lately though, everything seems to hinge on something else. If I do a.), I'll get to b.), only if a1), a2), and a3) have been completed. You know what I mean? It is all so complicated. I think I am afraid. Afraid to fail maybe because it's only me. Not that I am the only person in this world who is trying it by themselves but it is so scary. For some reason I cannot get this out of my head. I just want someone to tell me I am "doing fine, keep up the good work, you'll get it done! Of course you can handle those mortgage payments. I'm happy for you that quitting smoking is working and I know how tough it really can be." I suppose I need to be my own encouragement. I am, to a certain extent but, that outside boost helps alot. The only problem is everyone has their own things to think about. They need the boost too. Maybe I could encourage others more in order to find myself encouraged. Hmmmm, interesting thought. Everyone has their own set of fears to deal with. Deep down, I know and understand this. My life will continue forward as long as I see it that way. Stumbling blocks come along everyday for all of us. At least I know I am in good company. Good luck to you all! |
| Isn't it funny, when we least expect growth in ourselves...voila! You're clearer, therefore bigger. My life has changed so much I don't even feel comfortable in it yet! I am buying a house, quit smoking(only 7 days and still hard as can be) get along better with my ex husband and overall feel more mature(ok bigger) I met my ex at 16 and married at 19. I was with him for over half my life when I left him. Maturing was according to his way. Now, it's not a wonder I am afraid to let anyone too close. What if I loose my newly found me? It took too long to get here. I am learning though, you can be who you are with out becoming defensive. In fact quitting smoking feels like the last of the defense. From now on, I am what you see. Wow, this has been some insight for me. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm loralei
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| At least in the eyes of a quitting smoker! So, I hear lots of people say there is no good time to quit. But, are there times worse than others? I am trying to buy a house. Is this a bad time? Or, if I succeed, will it be a legendary moment in time for me? I am trying to think the latter. As a single woman, credit issues can be a major PIA. I keep hitting one after another (creditor) trying to get money that is slated for my house. Jeez, why didn't I pay more attention? Why is it all coming to a head right now? It's hard to believe how synchronistic it is. So what is the message for me? I truly believe the due diligence of attacking this credit thing head on, combined with quitting smoking is a good thing. There are qualities of strength and courage I am finding within myself that feel good even though I am crying at the drop of a hat. My advice to anyone who wants to listen is, face your fears, do what you know needs to be done and, if nothing else, you'll feel better about yourself and the decisions you've made. I am afraid to say I think things will go well but, oh, I just said it didn't I? lol Ok then, I feel things are going to go well and this is the beginning of the rest of my life. |
| Quitting smoking stinks, sucks, is horrible! I knew this was going to happen. I had to do it though. I just had to do this so I could be happier, live longer, try new things, etc, etc, etc. Please give me your support! I need to hear how hard it was for you and how tough this really is, so I can keep on keepin on..... Please give me some feedback. I can think of nothing else. I am totally consumed by the thought of a smoke....how it makes me cough,....how i want one anyway,....how I will feel so much better,...how I want to inhale the stupid hot, throat scalding smoke,...how disgusting is that? Ok, I have it out of my system for the night, (by the way, this takes all normal things in your mind and makes them completey abnormal, trust me)I think maybe I'll go to sleep and wake to my third day on the patch. Wish me luck,......please..... loralei
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| Ok, this might not be the best for you youngsters, or maybe it is! I am wearing the patch today. Am I happy? Absolutely not! Am I going to be? Absolutely! This is so-o hard. I am crying, fidgeting, determined, short tempered, crying, oh yeah, I said that one. I cannot wait to be over this part of the quitting. I know now I have to be done forever. I have quit smoking five times. The last time was the longest: nine years. What makes a person go back to smoking after nine years free? Divorce, bars, other people smoking, (peer pressure that is), and generally stress. Now, it is six years later and time to get serious about me. My life is very important. Smoking interferes in more ways than I even know yet. But, the bottom line is, I want to live. I want to see my children blossom, my grandchildren come into this world and I want the dreams I have to come true, for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stand strong is my motto today. Please think positive or pray or what ever you do. Right now, I don't care! Just do it, because I need you all. Thanks, Lori |
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