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 |  A collection of words... |
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Not a phrase you would likely ever hear, unless you were talking to my oldest about that guy at Subway who confuses him for someone else. He's also been known to describe one of his friend's moms as "reeking of bourbon, Vicoden, and cheap perfume." He's an interesting kid to talk with.  I'm used to his sense of humor, but he still catches me off guard. Last week we were playing cards with my cousin and his wife... my cousin and I were partners on the short end of the table, and M and the wife on the long side... my cousin messed her up in a play she was making and she called him a "douche bag"... to which M said "you don't have to tell ME, I can smell the vinegar from here."  They're all quite witty actually. I was talking with the twins' guidance counselor a few days ago, he was formerly M's too. J is trying to finagle his way into certain classes because a girl he likes from work is in them. Not exactly a reason to allow it, but he'll try anyway. When asked why he wanted to be in those classes, J said "because my friends are in there." The counselor thinks it's hysterical that the twins tell the truth regardless, and he said all the boys have such a great sense of humor, and they don't fit any traditional mold... and that they are good boys. That was nice to hear. The vice-principal used to say "J isn't BAD, he's just annoying." J & Z both work now. They do their own laundry, they get themselves up and get ready. My mom said "I'm glad those two weren't spoiled." For the record, it was my aunt that spoiled M. Back in the day my mother would think I was neglecting the kids by not waiting on them when they were old enough to do certain things themselves. They were not allowed to "roam the streets" like I was... by my mother. Z and I were visiting my aunt a few weeks ago and my aunt mentioned something about her daughter in law swearing at her. Z shrugged and said "so?" She said it made her mad. He asked her why she allowed it to make her mad. She said it's disrespectful. He said "but they're just words, a series of letters put together to make a sound... you decide what they mean to you... you can let it bother you or not." He was so calm through this whole explanation, and he surprised me. (Granted, the twins don't upset each other anymore... they've learned to deal with mean talk from each other and they are very good natured about it now, so it's joking with them... and they are funny about it... they don't hit each other anymore or get angry.) My aunt was laughing but raised her voice to say "well, it's rude and I don't like it." He laughed. "Is your not liking it going to stop her from doing it?" She said "NO!" They were laughing too hard at this point to continue. I remembered this last night when Z closed the door and the lady downstairs screamed "FUCK YOU!" He came upstairs laughing and told me what happened. She was screaming bloody murder for a few minutes and the next thing I know she's banging on my doorbell. We've lived in the same place with her for 5 years and never had any confrontation... I opened the door and she was screaming and swearing at me, all wild-eyed insane... she's in her 50s... she has no business screaming fuck you to my son... but, hey, she's insane. So I'm just standing there calmly looking at her while she's totally losing her shit. She's stringing those letters and sounds together in unusual ways, and at a rapid pace, and high volume. She's sick of the noise... every time the door closes it jumps her. I manage to get a word in edgewise and tell her, in a normal tone of voice, that "the door sticks? You know, like when you close your door and it shakes the whole house? This one sticks too." Welllll, she's gonna "call the fucking cops next time, she's sick of this fucking shit" she says, throwing her hands in the air. OK, then. I tell the kids what happened. They want to know why I didn't tell her to go fuck herself and slam the door in her face. They don't really want to know why, they are being funny. They suggested the next time they have a shouting match and slamming stuff downstairs that we should call the police. They already knew we wouldn't be doing that. She's probably off her meds.One more thing about the twins' honesty. They were at different locations for the same husband and wife business owners. One of Z's co-workers asked him in front of the wife which one Z preferred, the husband or the wife. He didn't hesitate, "Oh, I like her better... I... don't really like him at all." LMAO I was stunned when he told me that, and after I stopped laughing I said that really isn't a good idea to say to your boss about her husband? He grinned, shrugged and said "it's true though." I said I understood that, but it's not really a good idea. He said "she thought it was funny." LOL Hoping for a quiet weekend here! For my sake AND the lady downstairs! Have a great one! |
Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife  and I were talking last night. She sort of "introduced" me to a friend of hers a few weeks ago. She'd sent me some of his lyrics and she'd sent him some of my writing... and she'd relayed a few messages back and forth. We haven't communicated directly, but I sense him through Marie. One night I was thinking of some things she'd said about him when I heard a phrase go through my head. I didn't know it at the time, but it is one of his expressions. He became ill after spending a night pulling a calf. Marie, of course, is very good about checking on her friends and making sure they are ok. She made a doctor's appointment for him after which he was hospitalized with double pneumonia. She checks on him often and relays messages for me. He was doing better, but now his lung is collapsing. It will collapse, they'll "reventilate"? it, and it will happen again a little while later. Last night I asked her if they said why it's doing that. She said he told her he didn't know. We attribute this to him being a man. It's our experience that men don't do well with medical type things. They don't tend to ask questions... or perhaps they don't listen... or perhaps they just don't want to talk about it... maybe they have a "don't worry about me" attitude. My boyfriend has the "don't worry about me" attitude at times. If I can tell he's upset about something and I ask what's up, he might say "nothing"... he'll just brood about it. I can tell when something is wrong with someone... and sometimes I left to just wonder for several hours until he says whatever it is. "I've been having a pain"... or "I had an argument with so-and-so". I ask "why didn't you say something?" Invariably he says "you have enough to worry about, you don't need to worry about me too." To which I invariably say, "well, I worry MORE when you won't say what it is." I always have to make my boyfriend's doctor appointments... AND go with him. If I don't, he won't go... and if I don't go with him, he won't ask anything... and if the doctor doesn't notice something he'll assume that means he's fine. A couple years ago, I noticed a spot by his eye, a flesh-colored bump. After a few weeks, I told him it looked suspicious to me. He said it couldn't be cancer because it wasn't black, didn't hurt, wasn't an open sore, etc. etc. I said maybe it wasn't, but he should have it checked anyway. I made the appointment. I went with him. It was for an initial physical with my doctor, because he hadn't been to him before. Get part way through the exam, I'm quiet the whole time, the doctor asks if he has any questions. He says, "nope!" I say, "actually, he has a few moles that should be looked at, especially a new spot by his eye." My bf looked at me like he was PISSED. Long story shorter, we had to go to a surgeon... yes "we". The surgeon said it was cancer, gave him the options for it... we decided at the hospital in the OR would be best, because if he didn't get a clear margin (a complete area of cancer free cells surrounding the growth) he'd be able to immediately remedy that. The surgeon actually invited me into the OR, so I was able to watch the surgery (from a little distance), because my bf was awake for it. It was a Squamous Cell type... the margins were clear. He was able to have it removed without it leaving a big dent in his face because it was taken care of early. Also, left untreated, it can spread quickly to other parts of the body, like the lymphatic system, bloodstream, and nerve routes. I then remembered something else I wanted to share with Marie. When twin J was a few days old he had an inguinal hernia. Most people probably know that the testicles of a male fetus descend through holes in his abdomen, and the holes seal up before he is born. The twins were 5 weeks premature, and J was the smaller twin (by 4 ounces ... hey, it's 4 pounds now!). Anyway, we kept an eye on Z for awhile, but appeared to be no problem... until about 4 - 5 years ago. He said "I get a cramp sometimes." I asked him where and he indicated his lower abdomen. So, I had him lay down and lightly pressed the area... feeling a few seconds of that "squirmy" feeling in his abdomen and then it went away. He got up and said it felt better. I made him an appointment and got a referral to a pediatric surgeon. At that appt. the surgeon couldn't feel anything. I described what I felt and he said he'd operate based on that. That frankly freaked me out a little. Hey! I could be wrong! He asked Z if it felt better the few times I'd done that and Z said yes... so, the doctor said "well, it's both of you saying it." Which leads me to the thing I really wanted to say...When Z had his surgery the doctor invited me to come into the OR, to be there when Z went to sleep... he said it's something they do for children. I thought that was nice (not how things were when I was a kid), and of course as any mother would said yes without hesitation. It was all set up in there, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, the nurses, Z on the operating table. It was somewhat disconcerting from that position... but again, as any mom would do, we stuff our own feeling and just be strong and calm in front of the child... so, I held his hand and asked if he was sleepy, he softly said yes... the doctor said "say goodnight to mom"... and he started to say good night when he went totally limp... I felt it, I saw it... like he was "there" and then he was "gone". I was jarred... I wasn't prepared for it at all. I tried not to show any emotion, just switched to thought, heard the nurse say "this way", kind of robotically followed her, and when I looked back I saw the anesthesiologist turning Z's head to insert the breathing tube down his throat. People don't breathe on their own when they are under. I hadn't thought about that. Of course, I still would have done it, but someone should have said something to prepare me a little bit. Now that I know, I would still do it, I would still not like it... BUT, I would not be caught off guard as I was before. Oh, for those of you that have made it this far...the doctor came out after and said the surgery went very easily. He said he's done so many of those and Z was so thin he could have done it with his eyes closed. (Which, yes... I clarified... they were open anyway. ) I was anxious to know if Z actually DID have a hernia. He said there was a very small opening that fat was able to leak through, and while it wasn't actually a hernia THEN, it would have not healed itself and would have given him a problem in the future. He said I did well to catch that. *Huge sigh of relief*Wow, I can be long-winded sometimes Have a great day! |
From: "Invalid Item"  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** the existential question here... where are they going???  |
The twins were sick a couple weeks ago and I took them to be checked at the doctors' office. While there I noticed they have vaccines for Meningitis available now. After speaking with the doctor, we all agreed they'd have the vaccine. When I spoke to my oldest son, he said he wanted it too. Since he's diabetic, we also set him up for a flu shot. Their appointments were today. My oldest decided to postpone his. The twins and I left the house and I realized I'd locked my keys inside.  Lucky my boyfriend works only a few miles from the house and the doctors' office is less than a mile away.... and it's still nice out today, except for the rain.A lady in the elevator commented on the boys' twinness... and talked of the ones she knew, like all twins might know each other? She asked if they played tricks on their teachers or friends, and they get this suspicious look like they can't be trusted... like, they just want people to wonder. I told her they never have that I'm aware of as they have tended to get offended when people can't tell them apart... "I don't look like him, he's ugly." lol The nurse informed us that the CDC changed their recommendations for the chicken pox vaccine the kids all had twice when they were younger. That now another booster is recommended. She asked if they wanted it. Well, yes. I had not heard of this change in recommendation, which she said happened in August. This vaccine is a live one. I asked if there were any issues with having the 2 together, she said no as the the Meningitis shot is not live. When we went into the room J took the table first. We talked about the flu shot and J decided to add that too his vaccine repertoire for the day, and Z said "nope, no thanks"... J said "bring it on" and told Z he was going to tease him when Z gets sick and he doesn't. Only it was funnier than I can relate. The nurse came back in, she was looking at their files and asked J, "Ok, which one are you?" He said "I'm the one that wants the flu shot... that's the sissy over there." LMAO I'm not sure why it struck me as funny as it did, but I was trying not to laugh and Z whispered to me "you're going to get in trouble." Well, of course J made the shots seem as bad as possible. He got two vaccines in one arm, and one in the other... I'm guessing the flu and chicken pox can't go in the same arm? He was prepping Z to be a sissy about it. With calm, but pained, concerned statements of "that's the worse pain I've ever felt in my life, I hope YOU will be ok... it's alright to be afraid." The nurse seemed to find them entertaining... and that is always a relief. Well, we made it through... AND I didn't get in trouble afterall. Thank you again, to jbjackson for sponsoring me as a W.Com Rising Star! Mostly this blog was to let people know about the availability of the Meningitis vaccine and the change to the CDC recommendations for the chicken pox vaccine (that another booster is suggested)... it happened in August, but I'd not heard it before... sorry, that was kind of a long story to get to that point. Have a great day! |
| I had a wonderful surprise in my mailbox this morning! I have been recognized as a W.Com Rising Star. Many thanks to jbjackson for sponsoring me for this honor! HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY |
| Well, this is definitely a new experience... Candlemaker has added a fourth sonnet to the series "Invalid Item" . *Edited to add: and simply because my tired mind refused to stop working tonight, I wrote another one "Invalid Item" *If anyone would like to read it all together, I've compiled it in one item in my port "Invalid Item" |
| My dear friend Candlemaker found my sonnet "Invalid Item" today. Some might remember that Bob's writing often has inspired me to write and vice-versa. Today, Bob penned this beautiful sonnet "Invalid Item" ... and for a different twist of events, that inspired another one from me "Invalid Item" . I guess that sort of makes it a trilogy? I never thought I'd be able to write a Shakespearean-type sonnet, though I have long loved that form of poetry, and this has been a definite pleasure to do so. Very mild temps here today. Work is driving me insane. My co-worker returns part-time tomorrow! YAY! She said "I'm just part-time this week, but will hit the ground running on Monday." I said, "I've been on the ground since you left." Hope everyone is having a great day! |
| Bit of craziness over the weekend, hopefully resolved. The kids have been doing good, hopefully will stay that way. Work is crazy, still pretty much alone. Wrote another sonnet last week "Invalid Item" , it sort of goes along with the first one I wrote a few weeks ago "Invalid Item" Heard this song on the radio that I'd TOTALLY forgotten about, for years now, yet I found myself singing along with it. I'm thinking there's stuff in my head I don't know about, don't use, and it's taking up too much space that I might need for other things. lol Does anyone else remember this? Meet me in the middle of the day Let me hear you say everything's okay Bring me southern kisses from your room Meet me in the middle of the night Let me hear you say everything's alright Let me smell the moon in your perfume Oh, Gods and years will rise and fall And there's always something more It's lost in talk, I waste my time And it's all been said before While further down behind the masquerade the tears are there I don't ask for all that much I just want someone to care That's right now Meet me in the middle of the day Let me hear you say everything's okay Come on out beneath the shining sun Meet me in the middle of the night Let me hear you say everything's alright Sneak on out beneath the stars and run Oh yeah, oh yeah yeah, oh yeah It's king and queen and we must go down now beyond the chandelier Where I won't have to speak my mind and you won't have to hear Shreds of news and afterthoughts and complicated scenes We'll huddle down behind the light and fade like magazines Meet me in the middle of the day Let me hear you say everything's okay Bring me southern kisses from your room Hey hey, meet me in the middle of the night Let me hear you say everything's alright Let me smell the moon in your perfume Oh now, meet me in the middle of the day Let me hear you say everything's okay Let me see you smiling back at me Hey, meet me in the middle of the night Let me hear you say everything's alright Hold me tight and love and loving's free Woah yeah Turns out it's by Steve Forbert (a name I have no recollection of whatsoever) and the title is "Romeo's Tune" (kinda familiar). Have a great day! |
| I have not forgotten about part 5 of my spiritual blogging, and I will return to it. I had an interesting New Year's Day. I felt very old at one point, and very young at another. My cousin stopped by to visit. She was playing with the dogs and talking to my boyfriend and me. Suddenly she stopped and was just looking at me with the funniest look on her face, really quizzical and anticipatory. I thought she was just being weird and turned my attention elsewhere... but noticed my boyfriend was looking at me the same way. She said "wellll???...???" I said "wellll???...??? what?" (Geez, she's weird sometimes... but my boyfriend is looking at me kind of stupid too, but hey, he's weird sometimes also.) She said "what's your great idea??" "For what?" I asked. She said "how would I know?" I said "WHAT are you talking about?" She said "you said 'oh, I have a great idea!'" I said "I did not." My boyfriend nodded "yes, you did." I had no idea what either of these fools were talking about... "when did I say that?" I asked. She said "a few minutes ago." My boyfriend nods in agreement again, I wish he'd shut the hell up. So, I turn to my cousin and ask "what happened just before I said that?" She said, "the dog jumped on his lap... then you said 'oh, I have a great idea!'" I asked "what happened after that?" She said "then you just kind of stared off into space, and I was waiting to hear this great idea but nothing came out, so, I sat here looking at you until I finally asked 'wellll???...???'" I laughed "hey! I remember that part!" So, I'm totally clueless, the idea apparently wasn't as great as I originally thought it was... and in fact was so bad, that I don't even remember having it. So, then I went to my aunt's house to pick up one of the twins who'd walked there after work. This is the same aunt who's always taken care of everyone, who I lived with until I was 6 and spent a lot of time with afterwards. Well, my son wanted to eat there because she'd cooked a ham and he likes that. So, after she'd served everyone she asked if I wanted some. I said "no thank you, I don't eat ham." I sat there for a minute and remembered that I did use to like it, specifically at her house, so I changed my mind and said I'd try it. Sooo, she sliced it for me (hehe) and asked if she needed to cut the fat off for me too? I kind of giggled and said I thought I could do that myself and she pointed out where the vegetables were. She asked "do you like turnip?" I said I never had. She said "well, you probably haven't tried it... WE really like it." I said "surely I must have tried it some time, but ok... I'll try it again." It was REALLY good... I was surprised the flavor reminded me of cabbage, which I like. I've not eaten at my aunt's house in a number of years. As I sat there eating my mashed potato I remembered how I always used to eat it and suddenly I was craving it again... I got up and looked in the refrigerator. My aunt came back in the room just then and asked "what are you looking for? pickles?" OMG, my heart almost stopped, I had tears spring to my eyes and I just felt so stupidly happy and child-like because she remembered. I said "yesss." She said "they're on the bottom shelf." So, I sat there happily taking a forkful of potato with a bite of gherkin pickle and it tasted every damn bit as good as it did when I was a kid... maybe even better.  I'm so silly I have tears just writing that. Hope everyone has a great day! |
| of M and my grandmother that I mentioned a few blogs back... for some reason I can't reformat it to 400x400, so I uploaded it to my photo album... I've never linked a picture before, but will try to here... if you click on it, it should get bigger?   |
| I met my boyfriend in 1981. I was 16, he was 18. He was home drinking and picked up a phone book, closed his eyes, opened the book and blindly pointed to my dad's name... and decided it sounded like a good name to call. I moved in with him and his parents right after I graduated high school in 1983. His father was an alcoholic who had lost both his legs in the 70s. His mom was also an alcoholic with physical and mental health issues, she was from England, a WWII war bride. The first time I met her was when I'd walked to the hospital from high school after a surgery she'd had. She was institutionalized in 1985. My boyfriend and I were married in 1986 and got a place of our own. His father died in 1987 and the institution implored their 8 children to have someone become her guardian, they all agreed it should be me. So it came to be. My husband and I worked for the same place. In 1988 we met and became friends with a new co-worker, George, and his wife, Sue. They had a baby girl. We were all best friends. We got along great and always looked out for each other. When one was broke, the other would help. We'd visit a few times a week... we'd cook or order out... and play board or card games. George was always my partner. He could draw a scribble at Pictionary and I could guess it. We always knew we could count on each other. George was kind of goofy, light-hearted, funny, generous... I can't say enough good things about him. He and Sue had met when her father was the minister at the Baptist church he and his family attended. In 1989 I had my first child and my mother in law, Peg, moved in with us, having been 4 years in the institution. I went back to work, and she had visiting nurses during the day. We still had our visits with George and Sue... I remember George liked her and she liked him... especially when she was manic, they had great fun. In 1990 George and Sue moved to Florida to be near her father who was diagnosed with stomach cancer. We were all very sad to be "losing" each other. In 1991 I had the twins and couldn't afford to go back to work. It was me, the kids, Peg, and frequent visitors for 3 years... while my husband worked. Her visiting psychiatric nurse and I became good friends. He had been a medic in Vietnam, and wore the bullet he was shot in the neck with on a chain. He convinced me to go to college, which I did in 1994. Sometime around then I woke up from a dream that George and Sue had walked in, laughing that they'd surprised us. I asked them what they were doing there and George said his dad had to have surgery so they came up to visit. My husband and I went to Walmart later and he was getting his hair cut while I was looking around. I was kneeling looking at something when suddenly I felt someone come up behind me and brush my back. Startled, I stood up and turned around... it was George! I started to cry and threw my arms around him. He was laughing. I said "Oh my God! What are you doing here?" He said his dad had to have surgery so he came up to see him and thought he'd surprise us. He was thrilled to hear about the dream I'd had that morning. ********** Peg had emphysema and congestive heart failure. Three times she went into respiratory failure and we were told she wouldn't make it, but she did. She was afraid to die and was haunted by her past. She told me once that her husband had made her miscarry and that he flushed a perfectly formed baby girl down the toilet.  OMG... what do you say? I cried and told her I was sorry, I asked if she'd named the baby. She said no. I asked if she'd like to name her now. She lit up a little and said, "yes, Angela... I'd like to name her Angela." I said, "then, that is her name... if you speak to me again about Angela I'll know who you mean." There was lots of laughter and tears and intense moments with Peg and me. She counted on me and I loved her. After the first time she almost died, she came home and we were talking one day and she said "Brenda, I went to heaven... and I saw Angela." Of course, I have tears in my eyes immediately. She said "She came to me and I told her I miss her and I love her, but I can't stay to take care of her right now and Angela told me 'I know mom, I'll be waiting.' Then I felt God annoint me and I came to." I told her that was wonderful, and I was glad she came back to me. She said "Brenda.... Angela is waiting for me there, and I am not afraid anymore." I still cry remembering this. I told her I was so happy for her, and I said "you know, it's going to be hard for me when you go." She said, "why? my funeral is paid for?" I said "emotionally!" She laughed. I asked her if there was ANY way she could let me know she was ok after she passed if she would. She said "yes, of course Brenda... you've always been here for me, and yes, I will do that." I told her I was going to hold her to it. She said she'd do whatever she could.March 15, 1995 her daughter died. This was very hard for her. When she cycled back to being manic, it was still hard for her. She asked me to take her to "be saved". She knew where she was going but didn't want to take any chances I guess. I thought of the elderly bell ringer for the Salvation Army who was always so nice, and I went to speak with him. We set it up for the next Sunday and I took her to "be saved." She sang some of her favorite hymns, loudly and off key. This always made me smile. Then she went up for the ritual... she turned smiling and said "come on, Brenda... you too!" I told her that was ok, it was her day. So, she was saved. She took additional comfort from this. We had been through some changes with her living arrangements. From 89 to 94 she lived with me. In 94, I obtained the efficiency apartment in my building for her. In 95, with having more serious health issues, she went to a nursing home... and in mid February of 96 she went to a boarding home, because I wasn't there to convince the evaluators that she needed to stay in the nursing home. She had been on 10 cigarettes a day for all the time she was with me. The boarding home let her smoke what she wanted, outside. Within a week she was in the hospital with respiratory failure again. I had quit smoking on the 19th, and was tempted with the stress to pick it up again, but I didn't. I had asked the universe to not advise me anymore about someone's passing, and it had complied for a year or two. I didn't know my husband's sister had died the year before until he told me. When the phone rang on the 26th and I heard my husband sobbing I was shaken. I went to him, he was hysterical... I asked him what happened and he sobbed "George is dead! He hung himself!" It was like I was hit by grief so hard in that instant, like my foundation crumbled. I think we cried steady for 2 days. I knew nothing, I sensed nothing about it. A couple day's later, on Friday, my mother in law was moved from ICU to a regular room. She called me. I was glad to hear her, and to know she beat it again. She was SO lucid, like moreso than I had EVER heard her before. I told her about George and she said she was so sorry to hear it, that he was a good man. I agreed he was. She said so many things, she was amazing. She thanked me and validated me in so many ways. She told me she loved me and that I'd always been so good to her and taken care of her when no one else would... and she talked about the fun we had... and some very personal and spiritual things. The very last thing she said to me was particularly poignant. When I hung up I thought "wow, what an incredible last thing to say to me." Then I quickly chalked that up to my imagination, because clearly she was fine. The next day we got a call that she was unconscious and that her brain was seizing, she'd been moved back to ICU. I was emotionally raw. I couldn't go see her. They had intebated her. This went on for more than a week. At some point the tube came out and they had decided not to put it back in. I went to see her when she was awake and she looked at me with fear and pain in her eyes. Emotionally I had to step back and let her family take over. They agreed with the doctor to not take any more "heroic" measures. I couldn't be the one to say that. I couldn't watch her die, and I felt badly about that. I called her favorite minister and he went to visit her. My husband, who was "her baby", went to visit her on March 15. She passed right after he left the room. I was devastated... and I also wondered, "Will she remember what she promised me?" Part 5 next |
| First off, I posted some new family pics to my album (the last 8 in the album are new) "Invalid Item" ************************************** July 4, 1976, I was 11. I woke up to my dad sitting on the edge of my bed with tears in his eyes. Without thinking I said "Doris died" and he shook his head yes and I cried. Doris was my dad's cousin in Connecticut who we'd go visit once or twice a year. As a child I thought she glowed, and I really loved her. I didn't know why I knew instantly upon waking that she had passed... and never really thought much about it. I had no reason to think she did, just... it felt that way? November 1991, my husband and I had been out Christmas shopping all day. When I got home I suddenly thought I should put on the slipper socks I got the Christmas before and had never worn. They were a gift from my bio-father's wife, she thought I liked them. I was only wearing them a few minutes when the phone rang, it was my father calling to tell me my step mother died. I was shocked. I liked her and I felt for my half-sister... and even my father. I went to visit him, I guess he was in shock also... I sat down to talk to him, thinking that weirdly the chair was wet... and I asked him what happened. He said they were watching Wheel of Fortune, him in the chair he was in and her in the chair I was in.  She directed him to look at something and when he looked back she had died. I'm thinking "and thank you for letting me sit in your wife's dying urine"... but of course I didn't say that... he was most usually clueless, and certainly then wouldn't have been an exception.I had an older cousin, David, who was in his 30s and mentally challenged. He was diagnosed with a testicular teratoma (a tumor which has properties of hair and teeth in it). The prognosis for these is always poor, and he refused to believe that because "momma and daddy are supposed to go before I do." Shortly afterwards, his mother (my mom's brother's wife) was diagnosed with lung cancer. They would have treatments together. I'd spent a lot of time with them as a kid, but not once I'd grown up. I did help his mother get medicaid for both him and her when they got sick. My mom was up there almost every day helping out... as well as other members of the family. I know my cousin LOVED that attention. It had been a few weeks since I'd heard anything. I was taking a shower when it suddenly occurred to me that I should call him and say hi. I got out, wrapped in a towel, and grabbed the phone... it was busy. I called my aunt's house and my uncle answered, I asked if he'd heard anything lately... he said no, but that my aunt, my cousin, and my mom were up there visiting. I told him I tried to call but the phone was busy. He called me back a few minutes later to say the reason the phone was busy was that David had died and they were calling people. That was November of 92. The following May I dreamed of David, that he came to me sad and said his hand hurt. I woke to a call that his mother had passed. These kinds of things happened frequently. It kind of freaked me out. It was bad enough that I had a friend that said "if you haven't heard from me in awhile, DON'T call me... and don't think about me... I'm fine." haha Again, this is something I didn't like knowing/sensing/whatever. In a way, it's spiritually validating... but then I didn't know if I was sensing something from spirit or sensing the loss from those who knew before I did. I still didn't really know what I thought or believed. All that was just leading up to 1996, which was a hugely difficult and spiritual year for me... and will be the subject of the next spirit blog... part 4. ***************************** Things have been very busy here, as I'm sure they have been for everyone. Thank you for stopping by and have a great day! |
| So, bugzy is baaaccck!! sent me an email saying I might be a Crystal Child. Of course, I had to know what this meant... and found the following info on Crystal characteristics... as well as different Indigo characteristics on thecrystalchildren.com (condensed) The first thing most people notice about Crystal Children is their eyes large, penetrating, and wise beyond their years. Their eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for the child to see. They are happy, delightful, and forgiving. (Indigos and Crystals) are highly sensitive and psychic, and have important life purposes. The main difference is their temperament. Indigos have a warrior spirit, because their collective purpose is to mash down old systems that no longer serve us. They are here to quash government, educational, and legal systems that lack integrity. To accomplish this end, they need tempers and firey determination. (WOW! That's my son!) The Crystal Children are blissful and even-tempered. Sure, they may have tantrums occasionally, but these children are largely forgiving and easy-going. Indigo Children can sense dishonesty, like a dog can sense fear. Indigos know when they're being lied to, patronized, or manipulated. And since their collective purpose is to usher us into a new world of integrity, the Indigos' inner lie-detectors are integral. As mentioned before, this warrior spirit is threatening to some adults. And the Indigos are unable to conform to dysfunctional situations at home, work, or school. They don't have the ability to dissociate from their feelings and pretend like everything's okay . . . unless they are medicated or sedated. Crystal Children are quite the opposite. They are among the most connected, communicative, caring, and cuddly. They are also quite philosophical and spiritually gifted. And they display an unprecedented level of kindness and sensitivity to this world. Crystal Children spontaneously hug and care for people in need. I found myself falling in love with each young Crystal Child that I met. Their hearts were as open and loving as any angel with whom I'd interacted. I found them unguarded and unpretentious. I read dozens of stories about the Crystals and their relationships to animals, plants, rocks, and the elderly, for instance. I'm not sure I'm in the right generation to be a Crystal, or even if I possess those characteristics... but I am sincerely flattered by that suggestion. Thank you, Bugzy. I do see a LOT of my son in the Indigo... almost like it was written with him in mind.Next... another spirit blog... Have a great day! |
| Thank you to bugzy is baaaccck!! for her comment to my late night blog last night (this morning?)...uhhh... my blog of a few hours ago She suggested I Google something in reference to M, which I'd never heard of. It sounds exactly like him! So, here's what Wikipedia had: Purported characteristics of Indigo children include: They are often labeled with the psychiatric diagnoses of Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and also Autism.[4][5] They are highly sensitive, both emotionally and physically, and most suffer from a low self-esteem.[5][6] Many have nervous system problems such as excessive anxiety, which is claimed to be linked to their higher vibrational frequency, and are also prone to depression.[6][4] They often suffer from sleeping problems, such as insomnia, frequent nightmares, night terrors and sleep paralysis.[6] They are very empathic, and can easily detect or are in tune with the thoughts of others.[7] They have great intuitive power.[6] They often have an insatiable curiosity, and love to ask questions as well as questioning everything around them.[6] They are naturally drawn to matters concerning mysteries, spirituality, the paranormal and the occult.[6] They oppose unquestioned authority and have a proclivity for generating their own solutions to problems and holding to explanations which are usually contradictory to convention.[8] They become anti-social when not around other Indigo Children.[8] They act and feel as with a strong sense of entitlement.[8] They have a clear sense of self-definition and in knowing who they are.[8] Most of them feel the need to make a significant difference in the world, and they believe or are fully aware of having a special or high purpose in life.[5][7] Thanks for that suggestion, Bugzy! I'll read more on it when I'm more awake... hoping that the 6 teenagers here are finally settled enough that I can get a little sleep. Certainly there must be someone "on the other side" who can watch for awhile? good night/morning!  Edited to add: OMG, I might be an Indigo Child! Or a former one? Does one grow out of that? I'll have to do more reading. |
| One winter about 8 years ago I had two random, strange "dreams"... even though my dreams are usually random and strange, these were different... and felt different. In the first one I dreamed that I was my childhood baby sitter, who I hadn't really thought of in a long time. As her, I was stuck upstairs in her house, the downstairs was on fire, and I didn't know how I was going to get out. I felt a flash of panic and woke up. About a week later I dreamed I was driving down the road and watched the car in front of me get into an accident on purpose. I stopped and the guy who was driving, and alone in the car, got out and said "I fainted." A couple weeks later I went to visit my mom, passing my former baby sitter's house on the way I noticed it had been nearly gutted by fire. My heart was racing. When I got to my mom's I asked her what happened. She said that the weekend before, my former baby sitter was home alone, upstairs, when the kitchen downstairs caught fire and she didn't know how she was going to get out. My mind kind of went blank. I was stunned. About a week after that I was taking a friend of mine home and a car pulled out in front of me from a side road. We were on a state route where the speed limit is 55. The car was kind of driving alternating speeds but I didn't think much about it. I always leave plenty of room between me and the car in front of me. Suddenly it got faster and veered into the other lane as we were going around a corner and seemed to purposely drive off the other side of the road into a ditch. Holy shit! I pulled over and the car behind me pulled over. The guy was "out" for a few seconds and when he woke up he started freaking out, screaming and flailing his arms and legs. My friend had run to use a phone, but the woman that was behind me had taken to banging on the guy's car doors and trying to get him to open them. I was like "umm... ma'am... he might be safer right there until he calms down? and... ummm... we might be also?" Long story short, I stayed clear of the guy until the sherriff finally showed up. When I went to talk to the sherriff the guy came over and the officer told him to stay back. He said "I want to hear what she has to say, because I don't know what happened... I passed out." Now, I don't know if this means that some things are destined to happen sometime in advance... or if "time" is all occurring at the same time... or what... but I know that it means more than I can truly understand. I asked spirit/the universe to spare me from this. I know me... and I have an imagination anyway... and I don't want to wonder if everything I think or dream is going to happen. Last Friday night I dreamed I walked by the boys' cousin, L, and she was talking with her mom on the phone and really angry at her... and they decided not to do something they were going to do together. She hadn't been here for awhile, and we hadn't heard from her, but the next day she showed up and what I dreamed happened. (Then she ended up staying here for a few days.) Saturday night I dreamed I went to another office in the building I work at and was speaking with the older woman that's an AA in there. Just as she started to speak her eyes rolled back in her head and she died. I resolved to stay away from her this week. Tuesday I had to take a file to that office and no one was there. I saw a note that said this woman was out this week because her father died over the weekend. I wonder about the circumstances. I also wonder, why can't I dream about good things... like, when and where to buy lottery tickets?  Look for a sequel to this... "part 2, spirit messages"... hopefully coming soon to this blog. It's snowing here... originally I heard my work was opening at noon... but now it's opening at 4... so, I have the day off. I'm hoping they cancel the concert tonight, further south, that the kids have tickets for also.Have a great day all! |
| A few hours after I wrote the last blog my son started up a conversation that lasted quite awhile. Turns out he'd decided to start taking his pills again the day before. Anyway, he's a sensitive kid and he's very caring and generous. Just as an example, at the last concert we went to all the kids went into a store except him and his cousin. As the last girl walked away from the van, leaving the door open, a small elderly woman instantly appeared in her place and looked directly at M and asked him something... none of us heard it and M asked "excuse me?" she said "would you have a dollar or so to help me buy food?" He reached in his pocket and gave her a dollar. She said thank you and walked away. Now, he'd been in a bad mood that day, and part of it was that he didn't have much money to go to the concert with... but he didn't hesitate to give her what she asked for. He was sitting there in his moody black clothes with his hood up and a moody look on his face, yet she walked past girls, to ask him instead. It was like she "was sent" to remind him of things at the right time. He was smiling a little after that and I knew what he was thinking, the same thing he usually says after a stranger asks him for something and he gives it, "she was cool"... but he's not conversational at that moment. I asked him, "if that had been your last dollar, you would have given it to her wouldn't you?" He said "yes... and stop trying to cheer me up." (lol) So, back to present... he does a lot for his friends, and a lot of them confide in him or come to him for help or advice, and secret-keeping... sometimes that's very wearing on him... like too much to hold onto all the time... so, he unloaded some of that (for instance I had no idea that when he was 12 he spent a long time talking a 19 year old on line out of suicide? That's a lot to handle at any age, but 12?) We talked about celebrating the gift-giving tradition in January or February... and everyone is fine with that... actually preferring it. Thank you to all that commented my blog and/or spoke to me personally in email. I am touched by all. Unfortunately, it was David McClain 's first visit to my blog. Probably not a welcoming first impression. I was brought to tender tears yesterday by Candlemaker 's comment... which sounded so much like how I counsel myself in my head that I wonder how he got in there... he says things much better than I do though. Today I got a couple new sigs... This one came as a surprise and made me laugh! Thanks bugzy is baaaccck!! ! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I saw one a bit ago that reminded me of the Wings poem I recently wrote and shared with you: They watch me fly on graceful outstretched wings They take comfort in my ease and admire my golden breast and the beautiful simplicity I convey But They know not my heart nor the fragility of my being When my wings no longer carry me to the heights they might aspire When my body trembles and my eyes lose focus and I feel the chill of vulnerability ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Whose hands will lift me up and know my softness... Whose warmth will I receive... Who will know the beating of my heart... Who will hold me in my pain... Who will I touch then? Who will admire my beauty? Who will know my grace? thank you for my wings THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KINDNESS, CARING, AND SUPPORT |
| Happy Saturday, all! Yesterday was the last day of the Winter Carnival poetry contest. The form was count up or down... 10 lines, 1st line 1 syllable, 2nd line 2 syllabes, etc. through the 10th which has 10 (or can be done in reverse) total of 55 syllables... prompt "last day"... So, I tried it, and Candlemaker wrote a "mirror poem response"... I love when that happens.
Well, we were able to get an 8 passenger suv, so there will be 6 teenagers going with us tomorrow. I sometimes think if we could get a bus, we could fill that too. Have a great day! |
| Busy day today... my latest holiday writings... very short... again, these aren't my best efforts, but they've been fun
We're taking a van full of kids to a concert tomorrow. Hope everyone has a great weekend! |
| I wrote a sonnet! My very first attempt at one! It's not fabulous, but I did it! I'm stunned! And excited!
I have been adding "my 2 cents" all over the site this week; my usual "haunt" "Fortunately/Unfortunately" by deemac  , and 2 new In & Outs (one new, one new to me) "Linericks" by deemac and "Two Kinds" by Anne Light ; and the Talent Pond Winter Carnival for which I've written 4 flash fiction stories and 4 poems, and now this sonnet for "SHAKESPEAREAN SONNET CONTEST: Closed " by Mitch  . I have no idea how long this will last, I never do, but it's fun while it does. I want to thank my very dear friend, Bob, Candlemaker . We met in the para/prompt forum in the spring of 2004. His words have so often touched me in very deep ways, and his romantic poetry is some of the most beautiful I've ever read anywhere. Bob has inspired me to write a number of times, even when I thought my muse was long gone. (Perhaps he keeps her hidden in his closet?) For anyone interested, here's a couple "mirror poems" we did "back in the day" in the prompt forum:
Bob, I think your visits to my blog have done it again. You have been and are such a wonderful friend, thank you for sharing this journey with me and for touching my soul. Thank you all for the time and words that you share with me. It means so much. |
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