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 |  My life is a roller coaster ride, but there's beauty in the madness. |
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Ink in Faded Hues My aspirations, triumphs, and failures. Life is a beautiful mess! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.~ T.E. Lawrence ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is me, for those of you who wondered! 
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| Sometimes we all need one, if we like to admit it or not. Some of us (like myself) need them more than others when it comes to our writing. Excuses are really just a way to rationalize our lack of focus or discipline. The truth is, when we make excuses for not setting time aside to write, we are only hurting ourselves. Or are we? I was at my parents' house for dinner last week when my mother brought up the book I have been working on. She asked how it was going. All this after beaming over the anthology I gave her for Mother's Day, my first time ever published in print. The pride and curiousity in her voice flooded me with deep guilt. Over the last two months, I made one excuse after another, and let the project fall to the wayside. Embarrassed, I squirmed my way across the kitchen, muttering my long list of excuses under my breath. I felt like I disappointed her in some way. I am so fortunate to have the support and encouragement of my family, my friends, and even some steady reviewers. One of whom has become very dear to me. I had doubts about my project, about myself, and everything surrounding both. She seemed to know this and put every one of them to rest. My mother does the same, as does Mara. With all these people invested in me and my work, am I really just letting myself down when I tuck into a corner and hide? Is it fair to myself or them to seek out new, shiny paperclips to play with? That was my swift kick in the rear. It put things into a completely different perspective. I'm glad to say with a little help, prodding, and that boot to the butt, I am back on track. I've reinstated my goals and plan to stick to them. It doesn't matter where the end of this path leads me, only that those who choose to follow it are happy too and not left dangling in mid-air. So after all this, I have to ask...what are your thoughts on the excuses we make? What motivates you? And when you fail to follow through with something, do you feel more disappointed in yourself or ashamed that you might be letting others down too? Just some food for thought. Best wishes and have a wonderful weekend!  |
It happens...frequently in my case. Those moments where we aren't sure what the heck is going on around us and why. We want to say something or ask, but are too afriad we will get laughed at if we dare speak up, so we walk around in a state of confusion.  Or, maybe that is just me.  Anyway, after slacking off this month and taking a few days offline to shop and spend time with Mara who I had not seen in six months, I log on this morning to find my moon and stars are no longer a bright, sunny shade of yellow. I turned blue! The honest to beezus kicker is, I honestly have no idea why. It really came as a shock, and I am sure I have gum and dust bunnies clinging to various parts of my backside after falling over. The bruises from pinching myself will surely set in sometime tomorrow. So, uhm, yeah. Not sure what I ever did to deserve this honor, but I'm saying a huge thank you to WDC and the staff for their vote of confidence! Oh...and fear not. Black, yellow, blue...I'm still the same ole quirky, funny, goofy, Adri and I love ya all. I would try to assure I don't bite...but I did that before so why lie and say otherwise?  |
| After much griping, my muse decided to crawl from its hole. I spent the entire day picking and pecking away, sometimes sqeezing blood from rocks and nearby objects. I'm exhausted, cranky, and my head is killing me...but I completed a story. Can't ask for much more than that. When I saw the picture, my mind immediately went one place. Bonnie and Clyde. Ever since I was a child, I felt an odd fascination with that tragic couple. I saw the 1967 version of the movie for the first time around twelve and cried like a baby. I still do. I've read books, seen all the pictures, and everytime, I cry without fail. It's hard to explain, but I feel a deep empathy for them despite their actions and a magnetic pull. So, with the 75th anniversary of their death a mere 3 days away, I wrote a modern day story based loosely on the ill-fated pair and a love that knew no bounds. Your thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated, as always. 
Best wishes and happy writing! |
It's the woe of every writer: having ideas in your head that you cannot put to paper. More often than not, this painful affliction even strikes when I open my blog.  I don't understand it. I was so excited when I saw the Short Shots picture this month. Old car, leather jacket, right up my alley...I have a GREAT idea for it. But when I sit to write, nothing comes out. Not even senseless drivel, which at this point, I would have to consider a blessing.Perhaps it is the result of a hectic schedule and being sick. Maybe it is having the big 30 looming over my head a mere nine days from now. Whatever it is, I want this dreadful curse lifted. The one thing I will say, is I feel extremely blessed to have the friends and family that I do. I love you all dearly...you know who you are. You love, support, and guide me, flaws and all...and we all know I have more than my fair share. You're the greatest bunch of people ever. |
| I don't feel much like blathering and opted to leave a song today instead. The link is included because, let's face it you can never really get the jist or feel for a song until you hear it. But, this is today's soundtrack. Whiskey Lullaby" (feat. Alison Krauss) She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind Until the night He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away her memory Life is short but this time it was bigger Than the strength he had to get up off his knees We found him with his face down in the pillow With a note that said I'll love her till I die And when we buried him beneath the willow The angels sang a whiskey lullaby (Sing lullaby) The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath She finally drank her pain away a little at a time But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind Until the night She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away his memory Life is short but this time it was bigger Than the strength she had to get up off her knees We found her with her face down in the pillow Clinging to his picture for dear life We laid her next to him beneath the willow While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby (Sing lullaby) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gV3g9LCvPc |
| Chaos. That is the only way to describe my life this month. Every weekend has been booked and there is no end in sight. Most of that is my fault, but I am starting to feel the toll. I am exhausted and in desperate need of caffine and counseling. I thought I was doing well, considering...but like many things, that was just another pretense on my part. If there is one thing I am good at, it is putting up a front to hide behind. Someone I trusted hurt me pretty bad and that sent me into a bit of a tailspin this week. I don't put my faith in people easily, so when I do, and it gets shattered, it rocks me to the core. I spent most of this week fighting conflicting feelings of forgiveness and just washing my hands of them. That inner battle sent me into a full blown relapse and a few hours of madness. I found myself wanting to purge the pain in any way I could find, and in between hours of running until I almost collapsed, I had to struggle to stay away from sharp objects. Me and the mirror ended up having a nasty verbal exchange...it was just an ugly night and if anyone had been here to see it, the men in the white coats surely would have come. I made myself dinner last night and then proceeded to throw it in the trash and instead opted for dancing for three hours until my clothes were so drenched I could wring them out. But through all this darkness, there has been a pinnacle of light. It's funny the way things work sometimes. People you were terrified of end up being a saving grace, and then you are left scratching your head and re-evaluating everything you thought you knew about yourself and others. It's a topsy-turvy world, but eventually, you have to come out spinning on the right end....at least that is my hope. All I know is I am tired of hurting. So very damn tired. I'm sick of feeling like poison that taints everyone I come into contact with...and games of tug-o-war suck, especially when you are the rope and your ends are starting to fray. Wish me luck this weekend, my friends. Beezus knows I need every ounce of it I can get. Stay safe and have a wonderful one. Oh...and Mara I will think of you at least once while I am going Gnahaah! |
| My boy was in town in Cleveland last night for the Cavs playoff game. Damn did he look good too. And I had a good laugh when he about got his head taken off by a wayward basketball. Gotta love those courtside seats! But...I think it might be time to reconsider this whole team 54 thing. Sure LeBron James is an awesome b-ball player...and yes he made MVP...but really. Sweaty autographed shoes that someone just wore for three plus hours? That's an honor or some great priviledge? Come on Brian! Gross! That is like...barely a step above someone giving you an autographed, sweaty jock strap! One too many hard hits on that football field?*sighs* I'm still squirming over that one. What exactly does one do with a sweaty pair of gym shoes anyway? Perhaps it is some odd male bonding ritual. All I know is basketball is much more interesting with Urlacher sitting on the sidelines. Shoes or not. Go Bears!Oh yeah...and go Cavs.  |
Wow! I got my copy of the anthology today. I cannot even put into words what it felt like to hold that book in my hands...to turn the pages and actually see myself in print.  I need someone to pinch me! Well ...not...literally...I might like it, but still! Wow! There is a bunch of REALLY talented authors in there and it is sooo humbling to be tucked away within the same pages. Huge, huge thank to Richard Yee and The Writer's Bump. What an incredible honor.Best wishes and happy writing! |
| Yeah...this one is so me and everything I am going through right now...inside and out. I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest Or the girl who never wants to be alone I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning 'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home Aahh, the sun is blinding I stayed up again Oohh, I am finding Life's not the way I want my story to end I'm safe Up high Nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain Inside You're my protection But how do I feel this good sober? I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence... The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth Please don't tell me that we had that conversation When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use? Aahh, the night is calling And it whispers to me softly, "come and play" Aahh, I am falling And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame I'm safe Up high Nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain Inside You're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? I'm comin' down Comin' down Comin' down Spinnin' round Spinnin' round Spinnin' round Looking for myself.. Sober Comin' down Comin' down Comin' down Spinnin' round Spinnin' round Spinnin' round Looking for myself.. Sober When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad Till you're trying to find the you that you once had I have heard myself cry Never again Broken down in agony And just trying to find a friend I'm safe Up high Nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain Inside You're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? I'm safe Up high Nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain Inside You're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? How do I feel this good sober? Sober~Pink Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89V7hvEmSD8 |
| *unrepenting grin* What? It IS Wednesday! I didn't come up with that term. I just realized I never filled you all in on my weekend! So sorry! I spent most of Sunday curled up on the couch with my laptop. My legs were numb and I was exhausted. I have nooo idea what time I staggered to bed Saturday, but the room was spinning. I think my brother had a good time though. I pumped him full of Sake, Jagerbombs, and Southern Comfort all night. He was feeling no pain! Neither was I for that matter. *smug smile* Well...just a bit, but that is a whole different story there my friends!Mmm. Did I mention Addicted by Saving Abel is my current theme song? Anyway...it was just an initmate gathering of sorts here at the house and we even set off some fireworks for the big guy. Then I ended up having like an hour long heart to heart with him about love and relationships. *snorts* Not that I am in ANY position to be giving advice there, but at least I could give him an honest perspective from a real woman. I wish I could find someone who would treat him good and make him happy. I'm getting so sick of having to hunt worthless bitches down for stupid shit. Next month is going to be insanely busy. The warped circle also known as the "family" is going to a fundraising benefit on the 16th. Free beer and gambling all night...should be an interesting combo. I'm a little concerned about this Chico guy tagging along...He;s new to the club and apparently he has issues...many of them and tends to be a real jerk when he is drunk. Hopefully none of us end up going to jail. Then muh TT is coming down. I can't wait!!! *snoopy dancesssss* We will have an absolute blast. We always do, even just lounging in jammies. And the weekend after that is my birthday. Should be interesting. I got invited to go waste it in Columbus. There is a MAJOR tattoo convention there that weekend and since I want one for my birthday, it's the perfect place to go. Check it out http://www.hellcitytattoofest.com/ Killumbus... Gotta love it. Anyway, gonna split a hotel room, get inked, and hit the clubs all weekend. Hopefully I don't come home in one piece. There is a very good chance of that considering...everything.But like I said earlier...that is a whole different story. Yes I am secretive...and a bit stand-offish....and mysterious. Deal with it. It's an addiction. |
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