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"Still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise." |
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“The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise.” ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra   To read former musings and shenanigans check out my prior blog:
To read future, more bizarre ramblings, check out:
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| ((The Music)) It is cliche, but there is a reason it is cliche. Queen is the music to play when you get the big win. All across the board - hockey, baseball, golf (maybe not), and of course, football. You blast this on the radio with the windows open wide, singing along with such an off-key voice that dogs run away from the sound. This is the anthem of victory. This is the song that brings the magic of the moment. This is the ultimate rock power ballad! Bring on the Bic lighters! ((The Life)) The New Orleans Saints won!!! That was a freakin' awesome game. Football is not necessarily my favorite sport. I'm more of an anti-fan of NFL teams than a fan. (Patriots and Cowboys - enough said). But I watch the Superbowl when the teams get good. The Saints are my team when it comes to goodness, and this was a great match-up. The Colts and Manning are forces to be wrecking with. However, the Saints prevailed. The Mighty Saints. My team.  I admit it - I yelled at the television. When the moment is high, I'll yell at my chosen team and the players like I was their coach, and somehow they can miraculously hear me through the tube. This is something I inherited from my grandmother, lol. When the plays were good I screamed and threw up the hook 'em horns. When the plays were bad, I yelled until hoarse. Dear God, I'm one of those people. The credit for this win goes to the wide spread of power throughout the team. Manning had way too much pressure on him to carry the Colts. The Saints had an equal spread of energy through the offensive and defensive lines. Brees made excellent calls, and had confidence in his team. Vilma was just brilliant. Of course the best moment was the interception made by Porter. That was just freakin' beautiful. It was seamless. I nearly cried. That was the moment the game ended for the Colts, and the Saint were forever sealed in my heart. It was a well fought battle on both sides. My grandmother even got into the game, which if you knew her, this information is a crazy thing to contemplate. Prim and proper, she was nearly breathless when I talked with on the phone afterward. My father and grandfather were not as impressed...they're Rams fans. The commercials weren't bad either. Just to finish things - Who Dat?! |
| ((The Music)) Today was a hard day to pick a song. There are some many good ones out at the moment. Plus, I've been watching movies and running after a nine y.o. all day so what song do you pick to go with that? So, in honor of the championship still in dispute with my lovely niece knitting away in the next room, I picked the famous tune by Mott the Hoople. More of an irony really. Went with something classic...where you can't understand anything of what they're really saying until the chorus. Best type of song. ((The Life)) Everyone makes little traditions for themselves. You throw salt over your shoulder at a restaurant. Yell at the top of your lungs whenever you go to that one ball game in the summer. Reread your favorite book at least once a year. We probably don't think about it much, but these are the little things that keep us going. For me - it is Jane Austen. I feel in love with Jane Austen when my mom read to me "Sense and Sensibility" when I was a little girl. Since then I've had to replace old hardbacks where the spine disappeared after years of abuse. I've almost all television/movie productions of each of the books. Spin-offs as well. She is by far one of my favorite authors of all time. There is a certain level of wit and charm of love about her heroines. They're aren't perfect by the stretch, but what is flawed about their character is more than made up for in intellect and instinct. When I read the books I can't help but fall into the story with the characters.They come to life right off the page. It's like chocolate without the empty calories. I've been have a "Jane Austen" day. I broke out the dvds and have been playing them in the background while hanging out with my niece, R. She's actually more of a gentle western movie girl than an Austen fan. We meet in the middle and watch "Little Women" often. And Tim Burton movies. Weird, we are. But, back to the point, being surrounded by Austen at least once each winter is a necessity. It's a small creature comfort I enjoy deeply. In honor of this auspicious day I've adopted one of my favorite Austen novels, Mansfield Park. It fits me to a T. "Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint." |
| ((The Music)) This is slowly becoming one of my all-time favorite songs. I've been listening to Patty Griffin for years now. There something about listening to her songs that soothes the soul. I've always imagined that if I took a road trip across the States I'd play her music with the windows down as I sailed through the Southwest. This song would definitely be at the top of my playlist during my travels. Emmylou Harris sings along for this one. They balance each other out well with their innate sense of acoustic guitar and raw vocal power. There's another song they did together a while back called "Beyond The Blue". Makes me smile every time I hear it. Definite road music on a day with a blue sky and fluffy white clouds. ((The Life)) The past couple of days have been interesting. Weird seems to be too harsh of a word. Interesting will fit just fine I think. I haven't stepped foot into class once this week. Have barely looked at my work for my online courses. This is a first, but a needed first if that makes any sense. My emotions are like the rain that's been falling all day outside my window. Sometimes it is a soft drizzle. Sometimes it is a down pour. Sometimes calm. Sometimes a true chaotic storm. All the outside doesn't seem to matter as much. My soul is in serious need of reflection. I can't fight down anymore. This has been building for a long time. Class will resume for me soon enough. I'm not too worried about, which is a big indicator that this was a nice reprieve even if I do get anxious about it at times. I've been thinking and creating and spending time with my family. I've allowed myself to be myself through and through. It helps. I'm not back on steady ground yet, but I'm definitely getting there. Family and friends have been the gentlest balm through this process. My mom has been like a strong oak tree all my life. Her roots are planted firm in the ground. I can lean on her whenever I get tired - emotionally or physically. Through this she's been giving me sound advice as well as shoulder to rest my head on. She's backed ma in playing hookey for good sweet sake, lol. Can't get a better mother than that. One of the best things about having my boyfriend also be my best friend is that there's no need to hide. We talked - more like I talked and he listened, lol. I know that whatever I'm going through he'll be right there to stand next to me, and he knows I'll be right there with him if he's going through battle of his own. Through this he's been there for me, and for that I am blessed. So, today I took a big step. I went to the orientation meeting for a summer course in Belfast. Yep, Ireland. If I take the right steps I will be a student of Queen's University for three weeks this summer. Traveling has always been a dream of mine. There are some many places I'd love to see. I've talked it over with my family and my guy, and they say go for it. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. To say I'm excited would be....well, absolutely correct. I've already promised to bring back my brother a Guinness mug and my SIL a shillelagh. I'm going to be on that plane come July. This is my new mission. This is my new hope. Now I just need to remember to breathe, lol. |
| ((The Music)) This is an old favorite from The Smashing Pumpkins. I stole the title of the song for the name of my NaNo this year, which goes to show how music can inspire. Today, the grittiness of the tune plays well with everything else I'm feeling at the moment. Turmoil is way too big for the internal conflict. A little blue makes me sound like a cheesy sixties ballad sans the hair. The imagery of a bullet with butterfly wings sound perfect in comparison. That's why I love SP - they always have something I'm looking for. ((The Life)) Ah, the life. The life sucks at the moment. There is no more force of motion. There is no movement nor deep feeling of peace. There is no raging anger or overwhelming desire to dwell on. No creative flow. No anxiety that will propel me forward. There is only this feeling of sorrow that has left me useless as a human being. There's no way not to make that sound melodramatic because it really isn't. If I could compel something from all of this, I wish I could do so. My heart still beats. My lungs are still functioning. My brain is still moving a light speed. I simply have no will today. Like the other day. And the other day before that one. This is starting to become a trend I really don't like. The funny thing is that I can tell you why. When I was seventeen I was diagnosed with something called Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was the reason I was strangely normal during my high school days. Freaked people out. In order to fix my hormones I've had to take birth control to make me functionally insane (i.e. normal functioning female). Now I go through the monthly weirdness like every other woman I know. I also get to deal with the side effects of my disease as well as my med. Here's the kicker - the underlying cause of my disease doesn't happen often. I've had very few cysts in my life. Thank God Almighty. They hurt like living hell. Possibly the female equivalent to being kicked in the balls only it lasts longer - about two weeks. A cyst on my right ovary was my gift for the new year. Passing a cyst isn't fun. The constant feelings of shards of glass feeling in the pelvis is horrible. The party afterward however is the true picnic. It spikes your hormones like its going out of style. I feel things I don't normally feel. There are definite issues here that are killing me. I can't seem to shake the sadness that has overwhelmed me. I can't even muster the anger about feeling this way. The only thing that sounds possibly satisfying is curling up in a ball in the corner and waiting it out for a week. I go to the doctor on Monday. I know what will happen afterward. They'll switch the meds around, and hopefully that'll be all. Maybe then I can get some drive back. Maybe then I won't feel like such a worthless piece of shit. Maybe then I can give a shit about what's going on around me, and not want to hide away all day. I hate this because I don't know how to stop. I just want my life back. |
| ((The Music)) The song "Dream Awake" fits perfectly with the mood I'm in right now. There is a place between the two states of mind. I'm standing right smack-dab in the middle of it. It is a place where you're too awake to think about going back to sleep, yet too tired to do anything but sleep. I'm not sure I want to do either. Both have their pro and cons. The song itself is actually a kick-ass tune by The Frames. This band is one of my favorite of all time especially their live cuts. On my bucket list is to see them live in concert before I go. There is an earthiness to them take makes it easy to fall right into the scene of the song. Gritty at times as well as heartbreaking, "Dream Awake" is a slow build toward insanity. I love it, maybe you will too. ((The Life)) I had a great night phone conversation with my guy last night. Things have been hectic for both of us, and we were able to finally spend some time together catching up. It's nice just sitting there, and being with him. If there was ever a person I could just be myself with, it would be him. I worry for him and I love him. He's my best friend and my love. They say it is weird to have those two things in one person. If you think about it, In a way that makes perfect sense to have one person be both things. Where else would you place your absolute trust? Unfortunately, the rest of my night wasn't much better. I barely slept last night. What I got of sleep can't really be counted as sleep either because it was pure shit. I woke up roughly three hours later wondering what the hell I was doing - being up, with my life, with everything else around me. In a place of both sleeping and dreaming - hence the song. I was suppose to start another class today, but I took one look at my mother and knew I was getting off light with feeling like crap. I asked her option about postponing the class until next semester. She said something to equivalent of, "sure kid because you look like hell on a cracker." I took that as a sign that maybe I was feeling the class right and need cut down. Went from 16 to 15 units today. Don't think that will kill me too much, lol. There's my usual Tuesday and Thursday grind coming up with week. I have a test later on tonight that I am unprepared for, but I don't have enough energy to worry about it. I'm not quite up to par yet. Getting there at a snail's pace, but it is coming along just fine. Is it too early to wish the week was over? |
| ((The Music)) This is probably my favorite song of Maxwell's new album, Blacksummer'snight although the whole thing is pretty awesome. There's something about the way the song flows that brings you along for a ride.utter smoothness. As weird as this may sound, the song reminds me of spring afternoons walking around downtown San Francisco. Brings me back to that time and place when things were so new and different. I've lived a lot of places. The Bay Area was one of my favorites. ((The Life)) I'm currently drinking an extremely strong cup of coffee, preparing for my heavy week of school. Two new classes started for me today. I can tell by my online orientation that one of my professors is going to give me ulcers. He's the anal-retentive type who thinks all of his students are idiots, and the only reason he's working the community college gig is because his doctoral thesis is misunderstood. My other professor sounds like an really enthusiastic person interested in her field. Which means there's a lot of work, but also a lot of interaction that will make the semester move smoother. Nice balance really. My other new class starts tomorrow. My first lab course in college. My looking forward to it. The Anthropology professors always have skulls in their offices. I think we'll be handling the fake ones in class to learn about biological changes throughout the thousands of years of our history as human beings. Could get a little crazy folks, lol. My first test is tomorrow. Mathematics. My kryptonite. My professor is pretty cool guy who walks through each step and will work out problems with all the students. He'll work over the same problem again and again to get it right. Probably one of the most laid back guys. The funny part I heard from other though is that the higher up in Math you get with him as your professor, the less laid back he gets. He likes us math losers best. Hooray for those who suck at Math! But to be serious, I think I might actually learn more this semester than previous ones. I'm just hoping not to blow my GPA all to hell. The only drawback to all of this is that full-time student means full-time. I'm only going twice of week to class, but the work has me working all the time. Except my head isn't quite there yet. There's a mindset I get when I start classes. Something in my brain just clicks on. That hasn't quite happened yet. The feeling I have now is close to feeling like a first time swimmer stuck out in the middle of a pool without floaters. It'll have to click as some point. My "don't give a damn" is way too high right now to do well. I'm not prepared but I'm running head first into it anyways. My mother likes to point out often that that is what I've always done. I haven't failed yet. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky again.  |
| ((The Music)) Went with the Dayquil flu commercial tune today. It's pretty upbeat and lively song. I'm not quite there, but it always pays to dream. If you wanted to know the song is played by a band called PaperDoll. Check out their album Ballad Nerd Pop. ((The Life)) My night last night was not the finest I've had. Some misunderstandings led to some crazy emotional things, which ended in a six o'clock call this morning to straighten things back to normal. I'm working on a theory that people in relationships, all kinds of relationships, depending on the depth, will misconstrue things in their minds about every three to five months to change the atmosphere. Like hitting the reset button. Luckily, nothing has ever drastically happened. In the relationship I speak of, the need for the change is like working more grain into your diet than say buying a sports car you can't afford. A little change does the body good just as long as the change doesn't last more than about six hours. There are times when I feel that I've left my mind somewhere. I heard the quote "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." It isn't so much that I've lost my mind; it just won't shut up. My mind is constantly working on multiple things at all hours. This is part of the reason why my sleep cycle sucks. I can't get the damn thing to calm down for five minutes. Take my story ideas for example. I'm working on three big ones right now. Not one. Not two. Three. And the more I pay attention to one of them, the more the others fight for my attention. This is also another reason (besides the fact I think it is karmic death trap) why I could never cheat. It would literally drive me insane. My big plan to deal with this is to write my story ideas hear. Like a mental dumping ground. I don't want to mix them up, and they are extremely long-winded to explain to actual live human beings. If I can type it out to unsuspecting individuals who read this blog, maybe I can work out any story plot problems or annoying character traits. You poor things. Run while you can. One thing that has helped me get through the mind jumble is watching a show called The Unusuals. Freaking awesome show. I think I busted a kidney a few hours ago laughing. Has some of my favorite actors. The dialogue works well. The characters are nutty. My kind of television. Of course ABC canceled it. They always cancel my shows. This is the reason I gave up on television for a long time. Well, I'm off to cook dinner. The Moroccan Harira was a huge hit. I love that soup to death now. A little labor intensive, but definitely worth the effort. Enjoy your evening everyone.  |
| ((The Music)) For this new blog I've decided that each entry will be the name of a song I've listened to that day. Figure I'd step out of the norm for something a little more my style. The better idea is how long can I keep this up for. I think one might actually stick. Here's a little musical history behind the song. "Lady Grinning Soul" was originally sung by David Bowie as the b-side to "Rebel, Rebel". While the first had a wonderfully trippy Bowie sound to it, I'm actually referencing the cover done by Lucia Micarelli off of her Music From A Farther Room album. Been listening to a lot of her stuff lately for a project I've been working (details out later). Both are great as both have entirely different approaches to the same song, giving them both a different type of energy. ((The Life)) Anyways, I was attacked by ants yesterday. My loathing has grown ten-fold. I can live harmoniously with most bugs but those damn ants. Screw the movies. They not only tried to eat my notes from my classes but also ate up two hours of my time last night trying to get rid of them. When the rains came somehow they felt it was open invitation to come inside to test my nerves. We're in the middle of negotiations. I will win, damn it. To take my mind off certain things pending I'm teaching myself how to make random soups in a book I got at Barnes & Noble last week. My first try tonight is Moroccan Harira, which involves lots of tomatoes and lentils. Although this is my first time, I think I've got this one in the bag. Soups and stews are the only things in the kitchen I don't seem to screw up the first time around. Other things, while I'm much better, took a few times to master. I'm just a soup person. Going to a hockey game next week with my mom. Ducks vs. Red Wings. This game is starting to become a tradition between the two of us. Of course, if things remain the same, we'll be sitting in the section dominated by Red Wings fans, all former Michigan residents, who will refuse to speak to me because I am a Ducks fan. Seriously. People take the game to heart. There could be blood. To finish off this collection of random thoughts - the muscles in my shoulders are giving me some grief. As a way to deal with stress my doctor suggested Tai Chi Chuan. The class is awesome but the days after are a bit of a pain. I ache in muscles I didn't even know I possessed. It rotates however each week. Last week it was my outer thigh muscles. Week before that was my inner thigh and calf muscles. The pain, however, reminds that I've done something constructive with my body and am channeling a release of my stress. This could get really interesting. This seems a good place to close things off. I'm still trying to get back in the groove of writing blog entries again. There should be some cohesiveness to entries. There is none here, lol. Will get better. Promise. |
| Here it is, nearly the end of January, and my promise to write more has nearly flown out the window. I think I'll be able to catch the last four days of the month. Still, this is a little sad. I haven't been on much, and for that I am sorry. There were hectic things happening on the other side of the computer screen that needed more of my attention. Family and school issues - my specialty. To be honest, there was a little crisis of confidence going on with me as well. A depletion of soul if you will. I took some of the time I've been away to work through some internal issues. Still working, but I think I'm coming out ahead on this one. What do I want most in this life? What are my goals and desires? Where has my mind wandered to as a part of me remains slightly numb? Why do things have to change? Why do I adapt to that change so well? Troubling questions for a troubled mind. In weird ways I've gotten the answers through random and not so random pathways. One of my new professors, Professor Merrifield, has given me some insight into some of the problems I've been having even though I'm one of over a hundred faces in his class. Life works out that way, when the masses are able to gleam something from the speaker on the soapbox. I think I know more about what I want to do with my life as a career. Where my passion lies. Could get interesting, lol. My niece have also been a great influence in helping to remind me that I am human. There are times when I feel extremely numb to all things as if I've absorbed my limit of emotions for a lifetime and can no longer compute anymore. Having my niece come over to my apartment and spend the night has helped me realized my heart still beats. I am not made of tin and concrete as I had thought. She's such a wonderful, complicated kid. I don't think there is a way for anyone not to spend some time with her and not be effected. Grocery store runs are hilarious. And there's my guy. When I feel I lose faith in the world, he somehow brings it back again. Each day I love him more. Can't help it - he's just that awesome. He's been my anchor these past couple of months, although I doubt he knows that he has been. A rock that man is. We've been through a lot in two years. Hopefully, we can continue this pattern of growth together. Ah, well, I must be off to class. More writing and venting later. Oh, and here's something hilarious I found on YouTube. Ever hear a mongoose play Gershwin? |
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