%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  My personal blog. Completely random thoughts and rambling. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** soliloquy noun | so·lil·o·quy | \sə-ˈli-lə-kwē\ 1 : the act of talking to oneself 2 : a dramatic monologue that represents a series of unspoken reflections ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Q: What will I find here? A: My unfiltered, unedited thoughts, feelings, and ideas. References to depression, marital issues, anger, money, and maybe even my sex life. I try to be completely open and honest with myself in this blog in order to allow me to let go of the negativity that likes to wrap itself around my brain and squeeze it tightly. Q: Does that mean I might be offended? A: Yes. It's quite possible that you might be offended by my words though I truly do not mean to offend anyone. Q: Can I comment on your entries? A: Yes. I always welcome interaction from other human beings. Q: I've read your blog and I don't think it should be rated XGC. Why did you rate it that way? A: I rated it that way just in case. I don't know for sure what would be considered XGC or not, but I would prefer to rate it higher and have fewer people reading than rate it lower and have it be deemed inappropriate for that rating. Q: I don't see you writing anything new. Do you only use W.com as a blog? A: Yes and no. It is definitely my blog, but I also use it as a depository for my writing. I've posted a lot of old things and written a couple of new things, but I haven't actually been focusing on my writing. |
Feeling Beter January 31, 2016 at 9:05am I've been back on my medication since Wednesday and I feel a lot better. I also feel that getting everything off my chest has helped. Sometimes you forget that if you don't let everything out it can cause you to explode. I kind of feel like I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis and I'm only 33. It's a bad feeling and I don't like it. My life isn't horrible, but, then again, I've never been at the same job for as long as I've been at this one. I think that thi... [Read more] Feeling Crazy January 25, 2016 at 10:33am I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I acquired an E-Penpal. I was bitching on InsaneJournal about my lack of role-playing partners and happened upon someone who said something along the lines of "You seem fine to me. I'd play with you." I invited her to brainstorm and acquired a penpal by proxy.
I have found our that our lives, while different, are also very similar. Sara is going to school to be exactly what I already am, a laboratory technician, and we have ve... [Read more] A Bad Week October 20, 2015 at 9:57am Thursday we lost one of the cats. She bolted from the car when my husband took her with him when he went to pay the water bill. I'm not going to go on about how stupid that was or why he did it. He's done it before and nothing had happened. Well, this time she ran off and we still haven't found her. I've been crying just about every day since she disappeared. I miss my darling kitty-face. She would always be waiting in the front windows for us when we got home from work. She'... [Read more] Feeling Restless October 12, 2015 at 7:26am Every so often, I get this restless feeling. I don't know how to describe it to someone that hasn't ever felt it before. I feel as if I should be doing something creative. There's this bright fire of creative energy inside my body and my hands itch to let it out, but I just can't get my mind to focus that fire and make it into something. I want to write. I need to write. I just don't know how to make myself do it. I've tried to sit at a computer to type things up. I'v... [Read more] Freaking Out & Weirded Out October 10, 2015 at 12:53am My young cat, Zero, has been nervous off and on since my husband got home from work tonight. He's an impulse shopper (seriously got to fix this) and he picked up {x-link:https://shop.mycatpaw.com/}this cat paw toy{/x-link} that meows when you pull the trigger to make it move. He fiddled with it before handing it to me and I pointed it at Zero just to see what she'd do. I didn't realize it was going to meow when I barely pulled the trigger to wiggle it. It gave a sweet little mew and ... [Read more] Bills October 4, 2015 at 9:45am I've been avoiding looking at all the medical bills simply due to the fact that we really can't afford to pay them. It's not a good way to keep myself from worrying about them. My boss as said that he's got overtime that he can offer, but I just really don't want to do it. Overtime burns me up.
I'm thinking about all this, because I got a "final notice" for one of the bills, but I've got to call them in the morning. This same bill has been submitted to the... [Read more] Avoidance September 18, 2015 at 10:45am I've been actively avoiding W.com for the past few months and I think it's because I feel like my writing is inferior to everything else I've read on the site. I have no clear motives or ideas. I have no story to tell. I only have snippets of story that I can feel in my head. Sometimes, they come out, but that's usually when I"m in the car or in the shower. I don't have a real direction and that discourages me.
I want to write, but I feel like it's not really wort... [Read more] Role Playing Games June 22, 2015 at 7:08am In April, I joined a new role-playing game on Insanejournal.com. I wasn't expecting very much from it, because there weren't very many people in it. That didn't bother me at all. I was bored sitting around playing video games and I wanted to do something creative. Creative writing through role-playing has always been my go-to for creativity. I figured, "What the hell? Couldn't hurt to try, yeah?"
In May, I picked up a second character so I would have a little more int... [Read more] Talking Heads June 8, 2015 at 1:06am There's something so simple about talking to yourself in the car. When I'm by myself, I talk aloud and "write" dialogue for characters as if I were them. Sometimes it gets written down and sometimes it doesn't. Tonight, I think I got some clarity on what the main focus of my avatar stories may need to be.
I believe I have my new medication to thank for this sense of renewed focus. I've been on it for about six weeks and already I have seen life-changing things. My gen... [Read more] I Need Therapy June 7, 2015 at 5:54am I just did the dishes, before my husband came home from work, out of fear . I was afraid of what would happen if I hadn't done anything around the house today.
Let me be clear: My husband has never been, nor will he ever be, physically harmful to me.
He is the most non-violent individual that I have ever known. He doesn't even swat playfully unless it's my ass and I told him that I love it when he does that so he knows it's okay. The fear I have is a residual fear from m... [Read more] So Tired May 18, 2015 at 4:08am There are days when I wonder why my life just can't be normal. Why does it have to be so full of drama?
My husband passed out at work again Wednesday night. He had to come home again Sunday night, because he was having issues again. My mother and I had a discussion about his symptoms and we think it's anxiety. My husband doesn't seem to understand that anxiety isn't something that you're going to have a physical symptom for until it's too late. He didn't have this... [Read more] Hard Times April 28, 2015 at 8:12am We had a death in the family this weekend. One of my uncles died due to complications from a stroke. I feel bad that I don't feel worse about it, but, after working in a hospital for nearly 10 years, I just don't get too stirred up over things like this. People die. Now, if it was my dad, I'd be hysterical. I feel bad for my cousins though. His eldest daughter is only about a month younger than I am. I didn't imagine that we'd be losing anyone in our family so soon. Yeah, we ... [Read more] Rehashing Old Feelings April 8, 2015 at 12:06pm There have been a lot of things going on in my head lately.
1. I feel isolated.
I don't reach out to friends, because I feel as if I'm inconveniencing them. They don't reach out to me and I feel as if they really don't value my friendship because of it. I get to where I feel this way occasionally and it still bothers me quite a bit. I've been told that I should try to meet new people, but it just takes so long for me to really feel accepted with new people.
2. I feel ... [Read more] Meh... January 27, 2015 at 8:15am I stopped taking my depression medication about a month ago and, to be quite honest, I feel better. It seemed to be doing more harm than good and, while I need to go back to my doctor and discuss it, I don't think I'm going to try more depression medication right now. The anti-anxiety meds are helping quite a bit though. I'm very pleased with them. I'm still having the occasional depression spike, usually linked to my hormones, but I'm less worried about it when I can think r... [Read more] One of those days... December 20, 2014 at 7:37am There are days when my need to write is uncontrollable, but I can't figure out how or where to begin. Today is one of those days. I want so badly to write something. I have so many dialogues in my head that I think are wonderful, but I can't figure out how to plop them down on paper. I really do mean "on paper." I would rather write in a notebook than type on my laptop. I prefer full-sized keyboards for writing. They just feel better. Plus, a few of the keys on my laptop are rath... [Read more] Loneliness December 16, 2014 at 9:32am I've been having crying fits off and on since my birthday. There's a lot of stress going on at my house. I found out recently that the hospital I work for was sold to another company and it's kind of up in the air as to whether or not I'm going to get to keep my job or even keep my current rate of pay if I do get to keep it. The deal with the company that owns us currently is supposed to be that they hire practically all of us (minus some contracted staff, of course) and so I fee... [Read more] An Experiment December 6, 2014 at 7:12am I performed an experiment. The day before my birthday, I hid my birth date on Facebook. In case you don't have a Facebook profile, or just don't know, you have to make your birthday public for it to appear on the timeline of your "friends." I hid mine, because I have a belief that my sincerest friends will remember my birthday. I know it's misguided. I know it's not a true measure of who loves me, but it's my measure.
I had a grand total of eight people tell me ... [Read more] Eh, A Month. Sorry. December 1, 2014 at 9:33am I've been up and down for the last month or so. I changed medicines and we've been able to get a handle the bills. For the most part, I feel better. I know I'm still depressed, but it's easier to tolerate. I'm still on the low libido end as well, but I haven't quite figured out what to do about that. "Lose weight" and "exercise" have been the advice that have been offered most and, while I agree, I really don't feel like trying. My lack of motivation h... [Read more] Progress October 13, 2014 at 7:09am Last night was a great night. My husband and I spent the evening together and were very loving. This was great after the tizzy I went though the night before. I finally sat down tonight and payed some of the hospital bills. I paid off two of the little bills and sent payments to all but one. I need to call them and set up the payment plan to be 24 months instead of the six-month plan that they have us on. It'll be $100 a month and that's a reasonable payment. I'm going to wait until ... [Read more] Avoiding My Blog October 12, 2014 at 6:52am I've been actively avoiding my blog, because I haven't felt like writing. I want to write, but the words just aren't coming to me. I've got ideas in my head that I'd like to get down on paper, but not the will. My attention span is too short. My focus right now is on trying to get my bills paid.
Thankfully, my husband has recovered well from his surgery. We have about $4,000 in medical bills, but that's relatively small considering what all has gone down in the past f... [Read more] An Epiphany September 16, 2014 at 9:53am I had a bit of a thought while I was doing the dishes this morning. I've come to the realization that I may have given up on everything that that I used to aspire toward.
I stopped writing, because I had hoped that I would eventually find a way to publish my works, but just don't have the tenacity for it like others. I gave up on some of my friends, because I felt like that they didn't care much for me anymore so I stopped trying to connect with them. I've given up on having ... [Read more] Surgery Went Well September 1, 2014 at 9:47am My husband had surgery on Thursday. I've been worried sick about him right up to the surgery and, while I'm still worried, I'm not quite as upset as I was. He came home with a JP drain in his side, because the doc wanted to leave it in for a few more days. He wanted to make sure the correction to his ureter doesn't leak so that's why it's there. Thankfully, he's barely draining anything at all so it's not bad. He feels like shit, but he did just have a pretty mas... [Read more] A Wonderful Day August 9, 2014 at 1:52am I shared the most fantastic day with my husband today. We've been having so much stress and been too busy to have any real intimacy in our lives for a long while. Today we decided to change that for a little while.
Hubby had the day off today for another doctor appointment to check up on the last scans he had of his head and abdomen. Other than the enlarged kidney (which we're having surgery for on August 28th) and a fatty liver (like most of the rest of the population of the US), he&... [Read more] Stop reminding me! July 24, 2014 at 3:24am W.com keeps reminding me to update my blog every day and it's driving me bonkers. I know I haven't updated in 17 days, but I'm on vacation. Maybe I don't feel like updating.
Things have been going pretty well though. We rearranged the living room and pulled up the rug that was on its last legs. I put away the card table in the kitchen, because it was collecting too much clutter. While I was asleep today, my hubby pulled the bookshelf out of the spare room and put it where the ... [Read more] Isolation July 7, 2014 at 2:50am Lately, I've been feeling alone and isolated.
I've come to realize that some of the people that I consider friends don't value me in the same way I value them and, so, I've decided to try to let those friendships go. If they're not interested in keeping the friendship going, then I'm no longer interested in trying. This, in turn, has made me feel alone. I feel isolated, because I don't ever have anyone to interact with who isn't a co-worker or my husband. I co... [Read more] A Hospital Trip June 28, 2014 at 6:07am My blog keeps reminding me to update. I've been putting it off, because there's been a lot going on in my house.
On the 18th, my husband passed out at work. I was at home and getting ready for bed at the time. I hadn't quite climbed into bed as I was just having some Nutella on the couch while I watched television. Once I had finished that little bit, I was headed to bed. Thankfully, one of the women at work caught me before I put my iPhone on quiet mode or I would've never go... [Read more] My Obsession June 15, 2014 at 9:38am Over the last few years, I've come to the conclusion that I've really got a big problem with my weight. I possibly have an eating disorder, but it's hard for anyone to believe "compulsive eating" is an eating disorder.
I eat all the time, even when I'm not hungry. I obsess over food. If I think about a cookie then I keep thinking about that cookie until I can have one, but instead of having just one I'll have half a package. Instead of having one serving of supper... [Read more] Hope. June 12, 2014 at 8:52am Between the medication and the lower hormone levels, I feel like a much better person. It's a mix of the two, I'm sure. I've been on the benzos for almost a week and that's great. My period has started today and that is the end of the onslaught of hormones that makes me a raging bitch. I've felt like a happy person and it's nice to feel that way. Stress has melted down to a manageable level and the depression has waned yet again. I'll start the Prozac Friday morning s... [Read more] Breaking Down June 8, 2014 at 2:05am I've done nothing today, but sleep and cry. It got to the point where I must have aggravated my husband enough that he just went to bed without supper. I don't know if it's a side effect of only having the Clonazepam or what? I was supposed to have the Prozac today, but they held off on filling the prescription until they had the okay from me . I thought me saying that I would be back Saturday to pick it up was a clear sign that I wanted it? Apparently, some people are just idiots. ... [Read more] A Bundle of Nerves June 7, 2014 at 10:13am I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me over the next month while I try out the new medication that my doctor prescribed. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pay my bills, because four pills for the month are $120. Yes, it's something that I only have to take once a week which increases my chances of actually remembering to take the shit, but I just don't understand how we're going to be able to afford my medicine. I just am so scared of everythin... [Read more] Schedules June 5, 2014 at 10:12am My moods have been so erratic lately. Last night, when I got to work, I looked over the new schedule that my boss had put up for the next pay period. I don't know why, but I'm scheduled to work Friday the 20th and, honestly, I'm not happy. I really shouldn't look at the schedule before I'm good and awake. I was almost in tears after I looked at it and had to really try to keep myself from bursting into a full-blown cry. Stress has been running me down and I don't handle s... [Read more] Anxiety June 2, 2014 at 2:47am Anxiety. That's how I will describe my life as of late.
The worst part of it all is that my anxiety is over trivial things that most people don't think about. Making a phone call causes me stress. I don't know why I hate talking on the phone. I do it at work, only because I have to. If I didn't, I wouldn't. I hate calling to ask questions or get information. I hate trying to do anything over the phone. Honestly, I'd rather just go somewhere to get what information tha... [Read more] |
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It's OK to be "selfish," to meet your own needs. Just write "Stop - It's Sunday" on your hand and whenever she wants to cross the line you've drawn, just hold up you hand ... and smile 