Soliloquies

#955737

April 3, 2019 at 11:09pm

I keep thinking if I just leave my writing app open long enough that I'll sit down and write something, but that isn't working as well as I had hoped. I get petrified at where to begin and can't make any headway. Every place seems like a bad place to begin. Every story seems hard to tell, because I can't figure out how to start it. This would be a much bigger problem if I was a "real" writer. It would be my income on the line so I'd have to figure it out. Since it'... [Read more]

#954995

March 25, 2019 at 9:14pm

I feel like my brain is trapped in a little box. It's a box of all the writing I've focused on over the last few years and I can't get myself out of it. Every time I think about writing, I think about the same handful of characters or scenarios and my brain just shuts down. It's like my brain can't handle thinking outside that box. The other issue is that I really want to finish those stories, but I never can. I don't know if it's writer's block or just fear tha... [Read more]

#954897

March 24, 2019 at 7:59pm

I'm healing up well after my surgery. The worst problem I'm having right now is the itching around the area. I'm sure that's partially due to healing, but also the nerves firing. That's why the itch never really lets up. I go back to see my doctor Tuesday and I have about 2 more weeks off. I'm happy to have this time away from work, because it has been refreshing, but I also miss work. My husband has been a super trooper during this entire process. He has put up with my l... [Read more]

#954595

March 19, 2019 at 3:10pm

Writing has been hard for me as of late. I just don't feel up to it. I want to write. It's like a craving that I feel and I never can find a good way to satisfy it. I've got so much laid down that I want to work on and finish up, but just no real motivation. There's been a lot of reconciliation with my husband in the last eight months. Our relationship has grown and changed in ways that are good for us. He is in a much better place mentally and we have reaffirmed our devotio... [Read more]

#938806

July 30, 2018 at 8:15am

Things have been tense. Not between my husband and I, but between myself and others. Two weeks ago, I had a bit of a fit at my friends. I ask for help with games all the time, but I feel like I'm getting ditched because I'm nowhere near as far as they are. I exited the Xbox Live Party in a huff and removed myself from our Facebook chat. I was hoping that, eventually, they would reach out to me, but apparently we are at a standoff. I refuse to go back to them until someone reaches out to ... [Read more]

#938084

July 16, 2018 at 9:44am

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but I just haven't felt like I've really had much to say. My husband and I have been working on and off with our issues. Some days things are better and some days things are just okay. In general, we're still having a hard time with communication. It's hard to change thirty years of issues so that, in general, has been a very slow process. I want things to get better between us and so does he, but we just haven't worked ourselves around... [Read more]

#925172

December 11, 2017 at 6:04am

It's been over a month since I last updated, but the month has been positive. My husband and I have been working on a lot of things between us and, while I'm still hurt, I'm no longer angry. I'm still nervous about where we're going and worried that things will never be the same, but I'm definitely not angry. My husband has been through a lot in his life and, though that doesn't excuse his behavior, it explains a lot of what has gone on over the last few years. He ... [Read more]

#923399

November 6, 2017 at 3:34pm

I caught my husband messaging someone again. The worst part of it all was that he wouldn't admit it until I quoted one of the messages. Then, he got angry that I was spying on him. I told him that my trust was so shattered that I had to spy on him to feel safe. There was a huge fallout over text messages and we're still trying to work through what was going on. In the end, I put down a line in the sand that said it all ended now. No more text messages. No more craigslist. No more anythin... [Read more]

#922862

October 29, 2017 at 8:11am

I've repeatedly asked my husband not to have any contact with our ex-roommate and he just keeps hiding the contact behind my back. It's like he thinks his nee for friendship outweighs the need for our relationship to find a new footing. I actually broke down yesterday morning, because I just can't handle it anymore. I decided to sleep in our spare room and my husband didn't understand why. That's when I broke down completely. I felt like he'd been ignoring me all week... [Read more]

#921847

October 10, 2017 at 6:25am

There have been a lot of ups and downs in my household lately. Things have been exceedingly rough, but we're working through them. There has been a lot of crying on my end, a lot of discouraged thoughts. I think I've had more really bad thoughts in the last two months than I've ever had in my life. I'm not actually suicidal, but I can't say I haven't had any thoughts about how much easier that would be than having to figure all this shit out. I know I wouldn't do it. ... [Read more]

#918056

August 21, 2017 at 10:07am

I'm still trying to figure my husband out. Today, he came home and went straight to bed. I know the night was hard for him, but he refuses to talk about it. He doesn't want to be comforted and I just can't figure out what to do for him. I think this speaks to the difference between him and I. He's an almost total introvert while I lean toward extroverted. I like alone time, but I need to be comforted sometimes by others. He seems to want to be entirely alone when he's distres... [Read more]

#916900

August 6, 2017 at 12:22pm

The last few weeks have been very rough on me. Logically, I can rationalize most of it and say that, yes, it's definitely my depression that's making me feel this way. I've also been stressed out about money, because our checks were short two weeks ago so that doesn't help either. I can absolutely identify when I'm doing something that isn't at all normal for me, like crying for no reason, and realize I'm being stupid. I know I'm letting the horrible mood... [Read more]

#914832

July 6, 2017 at 8:43am

I've been having a lot of trouble with writing as of lately. I think I had just plotted my brain into exhaustion. Of course, the change in my schedule didn't help anything. Thankfully, the announcements about the Destiny 2 story info has made me feel a little more up to writing lately. I just spent almost an hour trying to hunt down someone that I did some role-playing with and, eventually, just left them a message about how I had enjoyed the writing we did together and wish we had... [Read more]

#913358

June 15, 2017 at 11:05am

Sitting down to write has just gotten so exhausting. I don't know if it's my lack of focus or my inability to gather my words and slap them down on the page that is more frustrating. I find myself distracted by just about everything and can't figure out how to get myself on task. When I finally do get focused, I feel so run-down that I can't figure out how to start anything or what to put on the page. I was doing so well before all this. I had a goal and a direction.... [Read more]

#913178

June 13, 2017 at 10:25am

I've recently come to the realization that I have a problem with something called " Limerence ." For anyone that doesn't know, limerence is defined as " a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. " There's {x-link:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence}more to it{/... [Read more]

#912030

May 30, 2017 at 10:50am

I haven't really been writing, because I haven't felt like it. I've also been avoiding W.com by just not turning on my laptop. It's easier for me to avoid things that I feel like I should be doing than to just admit that I'm being lazy and not doing the things I want/need to do. I decided to dust off my laptop today just to make a blog entry. It's not that I've been writing at all, but I feel like I need to do something. I've been slacking in my social and private... [Read more]

#910617

May 7, 2017 at 7:39am

My schedule at work has changed to five days a week. Because of this, my entire life has just disintegrated. I'm too tired to write and I don't feel like doing anything that I normally did before. I attribute this to my depression spiking again. Then again, I've also been having leg cramps again so it could be literal exhaustion from low B12 and potassium. I'm trying to find the mental energy to focus on reading or writing again. I really want to write as that's something... [Read more]

#908911

April 12, 2017 at 11:50am

What kind of channels are you subscribed to on YouTube? I follow a vast range of channels on YouTube. Lately, I've been into polymer clay miniature making and wood turning channels. I have a few handfuls that I'm subscribed to so I can partake of those videos whenever I feel like it. I've even considered trying out my handywork with polymer clay, because I enjoy the videos so much. For the most part, I'm deeply in love with {x-link:https://www.youtube.com/user/decoco... [Read more]

#908423

April 5, 2017 at 11:01am

I've been having a bad week this week. I've been annoyed by everyone and everything. A little bit of research online says that the constant frustration that I'm feeling can be linked to my depression. While I'm not feeling sad, the frustration and anger are overwhelming. It doesn't help that I always have issues when big things change. My schedule at work has changed completely and it's making me very upset. I'm working five days a week and I really don't want... [Read more]

#907683

March 26, 2017 at 11:35pm

How much exposition is too much? When do you use it and what purpose does it serve? I got a review of one of my chapters that said that there was too much exposition. Part of me was insulted simply because I feel that, if I'm writing it as the first chapter, I feel it's important to put there. I mean, how do you tell a first person story without some form of exposition? You've got to explain things at some point. I just chose to do it at the very beginning and set the stage.... [Read more]

#906942

March 16, 2017 at 10:40am

I've been having a bad week. I've been entirely too emotional and I've been snappy toward everyone. I'm trying not to do it, but I just feel like everything is shifting out from beneath me like a sand dune. It's giving me just enough support to keep going, but I'm still feeling like I'm going to be over-powered by the tasks at hand. The only thing that seems to keep me from going completely ballistic is when I get my earbuds in my ears and try to focus on some mu... [Read more]

#906449

March 10, 2017 at 2:54pm

I've been watching episodes of Begin Japanology and Japanology Plus on YouTube and, I don't know what it is, but watching anything about Japan just makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It's like I'm sliding into something soft and comfortable. I adore Japanese culture and society and hope to visit there someday. As a person who is whiter than white bread, I have no real history or culture. The best thing I can say is that my family is German in ancestry, but that's the most ... [Read more]

#906226

March 7, 2017 at 10:58am

Ugh. I just ate so much food that I should not have eaten. I don't know why I binged so hard. I can't tell if it was emotional eating or just plain gluttony, but I'm paying for it now. I upset my belly with all the food. I hate when I do that. Bleh. I've been trying to find my writing focus again, but my brain has been flighty. There are some days when I feel like focusing on one character and then on other days I feel like focusing on another. My one saving grace is that I... [Read more]

#905914

March 3, 2017 at 10:01am

I was going to make a blog entry yesterday, but there was a series of events that didn't allow me to do so. Earlier this week, a horrible line of storms came through the state and caused a whole hell of a lot of damage to the area. My little Kia was caught in the crossfire with some debris in the nearly 100mph winds and I had to take it into town to get an estimate on the damage. Turns out that the debris did around $4,600 worth of damage . Thankfully, the total cost for us will be arou... [Read more]

#905505

February 26, 2017 at 6:20am

What is your opinion of fanfiction? As someone who truly wants to write original ideas, I loathe the idea of writing fanfiction. I don't want to do it. I want to get as far away from it as I can as those characters aren't mine so I feel like it's not my place to use them. I don't want to use them "incorrectly." Believe me, there are people who would call me out for using certain characters "wrong" so I just don't want that wind blowing in my general dir... [Read more]

#905003

February 19, 2017 at 6:19pm

This morning I received an email from InsaneJournal notifying me that some of my journals have been inactive for two or more years and were scheduled to be purged. Seeing so many character journals set to be purged from the site was like a punch in the gut. Every emotion I have that is attached to my role-playing days went through my head before finally filling me with sadness and deep regret for losing touch with so many fine writers. Role-playing was what I did to keep myself sane in some ... [Read more]

#904515

February 12, 2017 at 11:27pm

I don't think our roommate understands the concept of "quiet time." Sunday nights are usually my quiet time. It's the time that I stick to myself and just watch TV and try to write. I usually don't get much writing done, but that's my own laziness and lack of inspiration speaking for me. Sundays ended up being my quiet days by default. They're the day I do laundry and watch a lot of stupid television so I just tried to add my writing into the mix. Some Sundays, I wr... [Read more]

#904073

February 6, 2017 at 9:40am

People with college age children, how do you deal with them? Our roommate is 21 and, well, I can actually see the generation-gap between us. It has to do with how she handles herself, as well as how she approaches others. Her passive-aggressive tendencies are super annoying and do nothing more than make me like her less and less. She has no direction and no ambition . Seeing as her family is not involved in her life in any meaningful way, my husband and I are who she considers fami... [Read more]

#904009

February 5, 2017 at 1:00pm

The end of my vacation is looming. It's like a monkey hanging on my back. I've grown to dislike my job. I'm completely burned out and ready for a new job, but there's nothing that I feel will be able to sustain us as well as the job I currently have. I just want to feel happy about my life and I think my job is what's really screwing with a big chunk of it. Maybe it's also the fact that I may have forgotten to take my medication while I was off. My sleep schedule has also... [Read more]

#903513

January 30, 2017 at 6:46am

I'm trying to figure out how to get myself writing again. I lost most all of my motivation in the midst of my depression and, well, I'm not sure how to get going again. I guess I'm just not really sure where I need to pick everything up from again. I've got so many angles that I can pursue, but none of them stick with me to get it going. I've also got a project that I've been working on with my brother. He's done most of it, but I've been his sounding board for mo... [Read more]

#902824

January 21, 2017 at 6:47am

Well, it's the 21st of January and the US is still standing. I'm okay with that, but what I'm not okay with is the thought that both my brother and I will possibly lose rights that have been afforded to us by the US constitution and more current interpretations of older laws. Conservative thought doesn't make way for change. It doesn't allow for new ideas or flexibility when new people are introduced into the equation. While I can respect fiscal conservatism, I abso... [Read more]

#897969

November 20, 2016 at 5:57am

There are days when I wonder what I'm really doing here. Why am I doing all this writing? Do I want to get recognized? No, not really. Being recognized as an author officially would mean that I'd have to actually try to write full-time and I'm just not good enough or devoted enough to do that. I've always felt like I was a better writer than I was anything else. Maybe not better, but more interested in writing. Then I read something written by a "real" author an... [Read more]

#896904

November 8, 2016 at 11:06am

I voted today. It was mostly, because I just didn't want to let the party I disagree with win the local elections. Of course, I'm only one vote so I know that I alone cannot change thing if they win in a landslide, but I can at least say I tried. I've also come to the conclusion that I hate Mondays. They seem to be the hardest part of my work week. Mondays are the days that I feel like I would rather die than go into work. I honestly don't know what has been goi... [Read more]

#896183

November 1, 2016 at 9:39am

I had a complete breakdown yesterday before going to work. I got out of the shower and, as I was sitting on my bed in my robe and towel, I just started crying. I don't know why I was crying. I just felt so depressed and hopeless. I didn't want to go to work. I powered through that because I was going to be late, but broke down again while I was trying to match up some socks in the laundry basket. I don't know for sure, but it was almost as if I was having a mini panic attack at the t... [Read more]

#895967

October 30, 2016 at 6:17am

I've been on vacation for the last 10 days and I managed to write something during one of those days off. It was nice to get something down on paper. It is still really, really rough, but it is something I've had in my head for quite a while now. It is far from what I saw in my head, but it's close enough to satisfy me. I think the main reason I've stopped writing, aside from not liking to type on my laptop's janky keyboard, is that I can't find the right w... [Read more]

#893611

October 4, 2016 at 9:30am

I really need to write more often. It would be good for me to do so. I think the problem is that I don't want to just jot down two or three words and be proud of them. I want to put down something really substantial. I miss being someone that could write pages and pages for no reason other than I feel inspired. Right now, I can barely get three good paragraphs of anything. It's like pulling teeth to make myself sit down and focus on writing. I don't know if easy access to games h... [Read more]

#893313

October 1, 2016 at 4:18am

I had a chance to do something today that I don't normally do: snoop. Our roommate left her laptop open on the couch while she was in the shower and I, being a dummy, snooped a bit to see the page she was open on. I was hoping to see her tumblr name so I could read her tumblr. Instead, I got the site that she role-plays on and I bookmarked it so that I could see what she keeps raving about. Honestly, I just want to know more about what she does online. I never know for sure if she's b... [Read more]

#892438

September 18, 2016 at 3:25am

I have lost 15.6 pounds since June and this makes me happy. I've been trying to make some good changes in my life in order to bring my weight down to a more acceptable level. I know 300 pounds sounds super huge to everyone else, but, to me, that's thin. Especially when you've always been huge for most of your life. I'm looking forward to hitting that 300 pound mark and I'm fifteen pounds closer to it. Don't get me wrong, I've still got a very long way to go, bu... [Read more]

#888949

August 1, 2016 at 6:36am

I've lost seven pounds in the last month. This was a planned seven pounds, though I would've preferred 10, and I'm glad that it has happened. I've been walking just about every morning after work. Not every morning, because I hit a spell of shin splints that have been absolutely atrocious, but I've pretty much forced myself to get out there after work in order to try to do something about my ballooning weight. I was watching an episode of My 600-Pound Life and it just c... [Read more]

#884512

June 13, 2016 at 8:17am

I had a thought about the recent events while reading thoughts from some of my brother's friends on Discord. I decided to offer what I feel is a fairly decent explanation for what has been going on in the world today. I think we all need to take a look at the age of the religion in comparison to Christianity. Christianity is roughly 500-600 years older than Islam and worked out some of it's bloodiest bits during the 1500s. We are living in the time when Islam is having to go throug... [Read more]

#884503

June 13, 2016 at 3:15am

Sunday morning, I was in shock when I found out about the shooting in Orlando, Florida. It started with twenty dead and, by noon, the body count was up to fifty. Fifty people were murdered for no damn reason. Just let that sink in for a bit and then tell me again why gun control and homophobia aren't problems in the US. Let's not focus on the thought that there may have been insane religious ideologies involved. The shooter's own father gave a statement that the man "... [Read more]

#883989

June 6, 2016 at 9:12am

A little over a week ago, was kind enough to review my blog. I never expected a review on my day-to-day thoughts, but the fact that someone took the time to actually read my internal monologue is enough to require me to actually try to give a little thanks and address the feedback. So, I put on Star Trek: The Motion Picture (the original Trek movies are my go-to films for background noise) and pulled up the note I received for the review. First of all, I appreciate the time that was gi... [Read more]

#882760

May 22, 2016 at 12:45pm

Use the imperfect ones. That was the comment that I got from a couple weeks ago when I was lamenting about how I couldn't find the perfect words to express what I wanted to write. It's odd that such a simple thought has stuck with me since it landed on my notebook. I felt touched by it. Don't know why really. I think it's because I felt like someone else may have felt the same way I did. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with myself when it comes... [Read more]

#882084

May 14, 2016 at 6:03am

Thursday night, everything came to a head here at the house. I woke up unable to stand without hurting and my husband was disappointed by the fact that I didn't want to go out. I sprinkled a little "you already went out with the roommate and used the money we had for the evening out" just to punctuate it and add another excuse onto it. It's an old habit from when I was with an emotionally manipulative/abusive boyfriend. Everything kind of rolled downhill from there. Needless to s... [Read more]

#881527

May 7, 2016 at 6:28am

When did I give up on everything? I think it was something that just happened over time. I don't think I would've given up so easily if it hadn't been for the fact that I feel like I'm just so worn out. I've stopped nagging my husband about his diabetes, because I'm tired of the blow back I get from him. He wants to tell me that he's fine and he's an adult so he can manage it, but that's not how it looks when I get a call from the ER telling me that he's p... [Read more]

#877665

March 28, 2016 at 4:21am

I have been ill since the first week of February. As I'm still sick right now, that can only mean that I've been sick for nearly two months. Yeah, I'm better than I was at the beginning of all of this, but i'm nowhere well. It has been extremely hard on me and my husband. I'm having trouble resting comfortably due to the fact that I start coughing if I lay flat. He's not getting rest, because I'm keeping him up with my coughing. On the weekends, when I'm off, I ba... [Read more]

#875312

February 29, 2016 at 9:43am

I feel so angry and annoyed today. Honestly, there's no real reason for this. I just feel upset and I'm annoyed by it. I figure that it's just PMS, but there's no telling. My roommate and I were talking about our dysfunctions last night and mine has always been anger. I hold onto anger like it's some kind of lifesaver keeping me afloat in a sea of emotions. I don't like being angry. In fact, I prefer my cheerful and sunny disposition. It reminds me of my mom and I like th... [Read more]

#873262

February 11, 2016 at 9:19am

Prompt 6 - Think about some of the activities here on Writing.com that you don't participate in. What stops you from participating in them? There have been a lot of things that I'd like to participate in on W.com. I think a lot of what is holding me back from participating is that I can't ever find a good subject for the activity/competition that I'm looking at. I can't figure out what I want to write about and so I just don't write. I also still have a little troub... [Read more]

#873099

February 9, 2016 at 12:33pm

I'm sick... again. I had acid reflux Friday morning and, somehow, I think I managed to aspirate a little so it set off my bronchitis. I've got some kind of sinus issue so that could be the culprit, but I'm not putting any money down on the actual cause. What I do know is that this happens every damn February, without fail. Facebook gives you the option to view your "memories" which are posts from this day in whatever year. Several of the posts from over the weekend are "... [Read more]

#872293

February 1, 2016 at 8:31am

My husband usually works on Sunday nights, but he was off last night. I usually cook on Sunday nights after everyone else goes to bed, so my hubby got to see me fiddle around in the kitchen for a couple of hours. I made what I'd like to call "enchiladas," but I don't really think they're exactly that. They're an Arkansas-styled version of enchiladas. I haven't actually tried them yet as I'm pretty full from all the taste-testing and I actually had some of the fil... [Read more]