%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |   My 2nd blog. My spot for sharing my life, music, and writing with my friends. |
|
Hello, Hello. Fancy seeing you here. I'll work on making this nice and pretty later. *  I also have a poetry blog, for those who dig poetry:
AND I have a mental health group with a monthly challenge:
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car ♡ * I will never make this pretty. |
Artist: AWOLNATION Song: Sail [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: If you were a fighter pilot in the Navy or Air Force, what would be your Call Sign? Why? Example: Ice Man from Top Gun. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I, um, well... fuck. That's my reaction to this prompt.  First of all, I'd never be in the military to begin with. It's not my cup of vodka. Can I just go by AWOL because that's what I'd be on Day 1. I'm really not a nickname person. People call me "Charlie" and "Char" which are both nicknames, but not really Call Signs. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Prompt: Are there any goals or dreams you've had to give up due to your mental health? What were they and what was the "final straw" that made you give them up? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** As a person with a tendency to ragequit things, I've definitely given up on goals and dreams because of my personality- which is disordered. My brain very strongly believes in "fairness" for whatever stupid reason. If something seems unfair, I have the capability to turn into a 5 year old. My brain is very petulant about distributive justice, which basically means that I have a major focus on obsession with fair allocation of literally everything. Yes, fair distribution of goods is included in that, but also fair distribution of emotional things, like attention, for example. For example, it absolutely infuriates me when one student in class monopolizes the professor's attention by repeatedly sidetracking the professor with questions, especially questions that are barely tangentially related to the lecture. If you have that many questions, you should invest your time in the professor's office hours. That unfair distribution of individualized attention during class time that belongs to all of the students who are paying for tuition makes me want to punch a wall. And, like I said, that type of unfairness will really dissolve my mood quickly. This is relevant because I absolutely ragequit my first major in college. I was so fucking sick of the same two or three people just absolutely dominating every single lecture in every class I had. This constant need to prove that they could theorize mathematical equations and analyse abstract mathematical concepts enraged me. My professors couldn't get more than a couple sentences of a lecture out at a time before one of these people would inevitably say, "Well, ACTUALLY..." When I went to my advisor to change majors, I told him that the math students were just straight up too fucking annoying to learn aside. To no one's surprise, he knew exactly what I was referring to. The business students can be annoying, but have much more social awareness and social capabilities. Sorry if that offends any of the math people. I'm a math person too, even still (finance & accounting), but that had to be the most insufferable group of people to attempt to get an education alongside. If it weren't for my mental health issues (especially issues with mood swings and angry outbursts), I probably could have finished that degree. I have absolutely no regrets as my current set of majors are more practical and marketable. This is how I show my love I made it in my mind because I blame it on my ADD, baby |
Artist: The Cure Song: Boys Don't Cry [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Tell us about the pet you had for the longest amount of time or the one that made the most significant impact on you. If you have never had a pet (I’m sorry), what pet would you want? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Man, I'm gonna be such a fucking downer on this prompt. Seriously, U-turn while you have a chance. Go read good memories about other people's pets for your own sake. Until recent years, I've always thought I was a terrible pet owner. I was like that person who doesn't want kids because of the risk of screwing them up. Any time someone mentioned getting a cat or a dog, I'd completely trash the idea instantly. I'd just make shit up like, "Animals are gross." Or, "Dogs are expensive." "I don't even like cats." Whatever I could say to dismiss the idea quickly is what I said. The truth is, I love animals. I've always loved animals. I don't even eat meat. I can't touch it or look at it. Animals are such a gift to humans, especially dogs and cats. They're so loving and innocent. They're so forgiving and understanding. They're great companions. I just love them. I had a lot of pets as a kid... Like, a lot. More than is normal. I mean, how long is a dog or cat supposed to live. You shouldn't have that many different ones within the short time frame of childhood. The problem is that my dad killed my pets. That's weird to type. There's no other way for me to say it. Like, there isn't a nice twist I can put on that. I found several of my pets dead after they'd supposedly ran away. I witnessed him firsthand killing a number of them. Whatever you're thinking, I promise it's worse. To hear the yelping and squealing of such an innocent creature that you love so much... It's almost unbearably painful for me to think about, even now... The worst part is that I was completely an accomplice to those actions. I was a facilitator. I was a kid, and a very emotional one at that. I lived in the middle of nowhere. I wanted a pet. I wanted the loyalty and the companionship. It's not like I didn't know. At some point, surely by the age of 9 or 10 I knew not to ask for or attempt to procure any new pets by luring strays in with food. I knew something bad would happen at some point. And it always did. When I moved out after my freshman year of high school, there were no living pets at that point, despite having gotten so many throughout the years. It was wrong of me to always push for new pets. Once I was out on my own, I didn't want to be around dogs or cats at all. I felt guilty and I thought it would be irresponsible of me. But when I met my (much) better half, a cat was brought into the picture. I'm very proud to say that nearly 8 years later, that cat is still very much alive and living a healthy, spoiled life. I remember as a kid having a friend tell me something like "four years ago when we got my dog..." And I was like, holy shit, you've had your dog for four years? Now I know how fucked up that is. To be fucking amazed that someone's dog has been alive for FOUR fucking years. It's utterly shameful. It's inexcusable. Since meeting my significant other, we've gotten a couple more cats. Seeing them every day, petting them, feeding them, cuddling with them... All of that is a gift that I quite frankly probably don't deserve. I'll never just idly stand by and watch an animal be injured ever again. Also, I wrote about this in a poetry collab with Cinn  two years ago... "Invalid Entry"  I would break down at your feet And beg forgiveness, plead with you But I know that it's too late And now there's nothing I can do |
Artist: twenty one pilots Song: Semi-Automatic [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: How is your online persona different from your real world persona? How much attention do you pay to your personal privacy when communicating with others online? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm an extremely private person despite my candidness in my blog. The way that I see it, I'm candid in my blog because I'm an extremely private person. I mentioned this to Shaye in her blog the other day, but if I put all of my information out there, 75% of the shit that's in my blog wouldn't be there. Fuck having a future employer trace me back to some drug-addled rant I wrote several years ago. Having people know my personal information literally isn't worth it to me. The wall around me, the privacy, is what allows me to be genuinely open with my emotions and my clusterfuck of a brain.The way I see it, I need to feel safe in order to write. And, call it paranoia, but I wouldn't feel safe to write the raw, unfiltered shit I write if people knew my full name, where I work, where I go to school, what car I drive, etc... Some people might find that weird, I dunno, but most of you probably don't write about illegal/immoral shit you do either. I don't know everyone who reads my writing, and even if I did, how do I know that someone isn't going to call my employer or call my school when I say something that's... less than savory? No thanks. Not interested. I'll stick to just being "Charlie", the random WDC dude who rants about mental health, writes poetry sometimes, and disappears occasionally. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And, just as a side note, I really have an aversion to social media. The more something looks like social media, the less into I am. I hope that doesn't offend anyone.I really don't care what your online persona is or what you do online, but I'm just not interested in social media or social media-esque posts. Like if something looks like something I'd see on Facebook, my brain auto-skips. Sorry. I'm pretty sure because I am so forthcoming in my online persona, it's pretty much deadass accurate to real life. I'm extremely moody. I'm emotional. I lose my temper a lot. But I'd like to think that I'm very empathetic and kind in real life. People call me "sweet" a lot in real life. Outside of here, I make friends really easily and I have a lot of people who care for me (I think). But as far as how I actually behave in real life? That persona is all over the place- much more so than it is online where I can calm down before replying to something. In real life, I have a lot of faux pas, like accidentally saying inappropriate/offensive things that slip out before I can filter them. That happens so much less online where I can write something and then be like, "Charrrr, nooooo." select all > cut To answer the prompt directly... I do pay quite a bit of attention to my online privacy. it's one area of life where I don't like being risky, and I think I'm able to follow through with that because I don't see a point in being risky. Whether my therapists or friends or anyone else sees it or not, the risky behaviors I engage in are a part of a cost-benefit analysis that my brain is constantly analyzing. The risk of someone recognizing me and reporting me to anyone for some of the things I say or have said is simply not worth people knowing my personal information. This is a problem that a lot of people don't have- but a lot of people aren't as shitty as me too.  If you look at it from my perspective, it should make clear sense.Those superficial details are not worth the risk of losing my ability to express who I am below the surface. I'm never what I like I'm double-sided |
Artist: Beastie Boys Song: Posse In Effect [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: You and several friends are marooned on a desert island. Everyone is looking to you to lead. What are your first actions? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Yikes! You don't know my friends, but I do, and let me tell you... I am totally fucked if this situation ever arises.  Like, the absolute BEST case scenario is that one of those mofos brought a boombox and Licensed to Ill as their desert island picks. Beastie Boys are my only possible saving grace as we slowly starve to death and go all Lord of the Flies on each other. Also (and just as an aside), my friends would NEVER in a million years pick my crazy ass to lead them toward anything. This prompt gets more hilarious the more you know about me and my friend group. It's a stellar prompt. So, first things first: 1. Size up each person's supplies and skills. Call me an optimist at heart, but I think everyone has personal attributes and talents that could help out in this situation. Athletic people can start collecting wood for firewood and being to build some sort of makeshift shelter. Creative people can start finding things to make a HELP sign with in case a helicopter happens to fly by. Rational people with good social skills can calm down the people like me who would be alternatively hyperventilating and screaming. We could also figure out if anyone has any supplies on them that would be useful for hunting, fishing, cooking, tools, medical aid, etc... 2. Find a source of drinkable water. Drinkable water is probably the most important resource you could have, like, anywhere... next to oxygen. Anyone whose skillset didn't fall into one of the above categories should start searching for a source of drinkable water and a method of transporting that water from the source to the shelter. 3. Probably die. The next step would probably be to make bets on how each of us are gonna go. Attacked by a wild animal? Drowned on a fishing trip? Starvation? Dehydration? Some weird-ass disease? Suicide? Homicide? It would be like a game of Oregon Trail (minus the destination). Joe died of dysentery.  Should we: A) Give him a proper burial, or B) Use him as fish bait? Be careful! This will affect morale! My posse's in effect and we're doin' the do And we got more rhymes than your whole damn crew |
Artist: John Ralston Song: No One Said This Was Easy [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: What was the biggest news in your life from last year? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** 2018 was not a standout year for me. It isn't the year I started school. Not the year I'll graduate. Not the year I got married or bought a house or learned to drive or had a kid or got my dream job. 2018 is what I've come to lovingly refer to as a "minimally viable" year. Let's call it what it is... 2018 was a survivor-mode year. It was a subsisting year. I existed throughout it, endured its hardships and embraced any shred of positivity I could draw from its depleted veins. 2018 I think will always be the year my pressure cooker exploded. When I started school a few years ago, I started as a very emotional and unstable person. Well, you guys know. You knew me then. At the end of my first summer semester of school, one of the only family members I was genuinely close to suddenly died. And that's okay. I can actually recall the exact moment my brain shut off. But still, it was a process. What I remember most was the time deficit. There simply wasn't time to grieve or process. So I didn't. I threw myself into school because the fall semester was starting pretty much immediately after. So that's what I did. I did the fall semester, and then the spring semester, and then the next summer semester, and so on... I filled my head with math, with accounting, finance. Analytical stuff that had no feeling and no emotional expectations. I could feel myself becoming more technical, more strategic in my thinking. I'd have what I would call lapses of emotion. Brief, but extremely intense displays of emotion that I would stomp in the proverbial face before moving on with my day. For the first time in so long, I was stable. I didn't get that choked up feeling my throat several times a day like I was going to start crying. I could hear devastating news stories and feel nothing. Fuck, I could even shrug off those absorbently sad Sarah McLaughlin commercials with the abused puppies. Physically, I'd never felt worse. I was having migraines regularly, breaking out in hives all over, and coming down with petty illness after petty illness. My entire body hurt almost all the time, sometimes for valid reasons, other times I just woke up that way. By a quarter of the way through 2018, I knew systems were failing. Those "brief lapses" of emotion were turning into rageful fits. I had to pay to replace the same door at work because I destroyed it. Twice. I was self-harming so badly and so visibily that I was reported to my school's administration. My group members from class were terrified of me and for me. They were regularly having to talk me down from complete breaks in my sanity which is something they never signed up for and never deserved. And that was the better half of my year. When I think of my biggest news of 2018? I think of Fivesixer  publishing his book of poetry, 100 . Watching him follow his dreams and succeed has made me incredibly proud to call him my friend. I'm fully humbled by what he has experienced and what he continues to put out into the universe in spite of that. He is a much stronger person than I could ever dream of being. I think of Cinn who earned her master's degree in 2018 despite constant hurdles, which is an accomplishment in its own right, but doubly so considering the known high expectations of her university. The mental taxation of graduate school is immense and entirely underrated. Watching her navigate those obstacles to reach her goals has been a consistent source of inspiration for me to push through my own academic hardships.And finally, I think of all of my other WDC friends, many of whom have thrived in 2018 while dealing with unspeakably difficult physical and mental health issues, losses, and setbacks. Don't worry, I won't call you guys out by name. My crew over at "Invalid Item" consistently forces me to reevaluate myself from new perspectives and find blessings, no matter how small, in any situation.No I never got along with life. And I never had the stomach for a suicide. But I've got subtle ways to shorten my days. Do whatever it takes to get me by. |
Artist: The Postal Service Song: Clark Gable [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Write about a time you learned something new. Use and highlight at least 3 words in your entry that are not part of your normal vocabulary and provide your readers with definitions for those words. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Holy fuck, these mood swings are absurd. It should be against the law for me to interact with other humans during these episodes. It's like there are two completely different people in my brain. There's a very understanding, kind, and empathetic person there, but seconds later it's replaced by an absolutely vehemently rageful person. I'm convinced that there is no pendulum of mood swings like the borderline personality pendulum. It isn't even consistent enough to be several days of one mood. It's a matter of hours, minutes, even seconds.I'm the human version of: 𝒟𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇? 𝒲𝒶𝒾𝓉 𝟣𝟧 𝓂𝒾𝓃𝓊𝓉𝑒𝓈. I'm not telling you this for no reason. I've been in intensive therapy for over a month now. I've just started actually looking at the workbooks that I'm supposed to be working on between sessions. My brain is so averse to being told what to do right now. Without going into details, I've been very much under someone's thumb for a couple years now. Since the floor's fallen out on that, I've gotten very defiant to being controlled. Even if it's something I want to do, if someone tells me to do it, my brain is instantly like, "Nah, fuck you." That being said, my emotionally underdeveloped ass has been actually learning a little bit through therapy. One of the therapies I'm doing right now is called ACT. That stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I've been able to relate to it more than DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), although my therapist is combining ACT and DBT in my treatment. ACT is more action-based and it basically combines mindfulness and acceptance with commitment to improved behaviors. Basically, the goal of it is that you'll be able to rationally and logically accept certain unpleasant feelings without losing your shit and ending up in a psych hospital. That's what I gathered anyway. In ACT, you don't avoid situations or thoughts that trigger episodes. You actively confront them and learn how to mindfully ground yourself and accept the moods and emotions that are triggered. Eventually, I'll (hopefully) be able to have these wild mood swings without acting on them. You know, like, without ruining relationships, destroying personal property, and hurting myself or others in the process. I know, I know. You're probably still like, what the fuck does this have to do with prompt and why is he sharing this? I thought I'd just share some of the "new meanings' for words according to the ACT worksheets I'm supposed to be working on for Monday. Redefining words counts, right? I mean, the words aren't actively a part of my vocabulary in this redefined context. 1. Discovering day-to-day issues that are problematic using D.O.T.S. In ACT, DOTS stands for Distraction, Opting out, Thinking, and Substances/Self-harm/Strategies.  Distractions are things we do to distract ourselves from thoughts, feelings, and moods. Examples are shopping, watching TV, reading, sleeping, etc... Opting out is when we quit, avoid, or withdraw from people, places, events, activities, and situations because we don't like the thoughts and feelings they bring on. Thinking is when we try to think our way out of things. Examples are blaming other people, rehashing the past, fantasizing about fictional situations, positive thinking, problem-solving, planning, self-criticizing, and "What if", "If only", "Why me" "It's not fair" lines of thought. Substances, self-harm, and strategies are pretty much exactly what they sound like... Things like binge eating, taking drugs, drinking, cutting, burning, excessively sleeping, and engaging in risky or reckless behaviors.Once you've identified all of these DOTS, you're supposed to list specific situations you've encountered and then look at the long-term effects of the DOTS you've used. You're supposed to figure out effects your DOTS have had on your relationships, career, education, friendships, self-esteem, etc... 2. The next two are things that stop us from reaching goals (F.E.A.R.) and how to overcome those fears to reach our goals (D.A.R.E.). In ACT, FEAR stand for Fusion, Excessive goals, Avoidance of discomfort, and Remoteness from values. Fusion is anything your mind tells you that gets in the way of reaching your goals. {I'll fail, it's too hard, I'll do it later, I'm too weak, I can't do it) Excessive goals are pretty obvious. We talked about those during the New Year's resolutions prompt. They're when your goals are too big or you lack the skills, time, money, health, or other resources to sincerely reach. Avoidance from discomfort is the unwillingness to make room for the discomfort that the challenge of reaching the goal brings. Remoteness from values is losing touch with or forgetting why the goal is important or meaningful to you.ACT says that the way to overcome FEAR is through DARE, which stands for Defusion, Acceptance of discomfort, Realistic goals, and Embracing values. Defusion says to name the story, thank your mind, name the monster/passenger/doubt, recognize Doom & Gloom broadcasting, or let the negative thoughts come and go like passing cars. Acceptance says to name the specific feelings, observe them like a curious scientist, rate the severity of them on a scale of 1 to 10, commit to allowing it to occur, breathe into the doubt, make room for it, give it a shape and color. Realistic goal setting is all about brainstorming ways to get the resources you need, analysing how much you're willing to give up to reach a goal, and acknowledging if a goal is truly impossible. If it is genuinely impossible, ACT suggests setting a different goal. I think the caveat there is that you're not supposed to shrug every potential goal off as being impossible. It's reserved for things that are literally impossible- like me being a professional football player. Embracing goals is about connecting with why a goal is important to you. Is the goal really important? Will reaching it actually result in your life moving forward in the direction you'd like to go?Now, I have no idea if this shit actually works or is beneficial to anyone. I haven't actually tried practicing these things. Haven't written down my DOTS or analyzed my failed goals through FEAR. I haven't set new goals and tried to pursue them using DARE. I'm of the general opinion that I'm too far gone for these things to actually impact me in any useful way. They might be helpful for someone else though.  I want life in every word To the extent that it's absurd |
Artist: Phantogram Song: Black Out Days [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: High schoolers graduating this year, in May 2019, are as old as the first iPod. Make a prediction for how technology will advance in the next 18 years. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm doing my crazy mood swing thing, so I'll keep this short. Technology advanced, like, a lot from 2000-2015. Computers, smartphones, tablets... All of that absolutely exploded. But if you look at an iPhone that came out in 2013 and one that came out in 2018, there's hardly any difference. Yes, there are a few more technological features. You have Face ID or thumbprint detectors now to unlock your phone. Cool. I think a lot of the technological advances over the next 18 years will be in medical devices and transportation. Things like prosthetics and new ways of doing surgeries or detecting illness will most likely continue to grow in their advancements. Transportation safety through technology, self-driving cars, and things of that sort will probably see a big boost as well. As far as personal electronics though, I think we've already seen a bit of a plateau there. Things will get thinner, more lightweight, some new features here and there, but I don't think the growth will be comparable to the growth of things like wearable accessories that detect medical ailment and other medical/safety equipment. Prompt: Write about someone who has disappointed you. It can be in the form of a blog entry, story, or poem. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I didn't want to remember you this way. Monotonous, engineering new levels of expressionless. I'm motionless- Blindsided, sidewinded, gradually disappearing into this abyss system. Just. Listen. You're under no obligation to scalp my flared memories. And, yes, your Zeno stoicism stung (like steel flowers) shoved beneath my fingernails, Call me off the rails- a translucent student, parasitic poster boy. Maintain your magnetism, my admiration never wavered never shrouded. I never doubted, never asked for proof, just assumed, crossed out etched in iron rings of cozening hypocrisy. Black out days I don't recognize you anymore |
Artist: Veruca Salt Song: Seether [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How do you recharge your batteries? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This whole introvert versus extrovert thing has always confused the fuck out of me. See, I originally thought that introverts were people who didn't like being around other people and extroverts were people who did like being around other people. That's not the case at all! If taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test a million times in business school has taught me anything, it's that introverts are people whose energy 'battery' is drained by social interactions and extroverts are people whose energy 'battery' is recharged by social interactions. I shit you not, I've taken the MBTI test like 11 times in the past couple years. I don't know why business school is so in love with it, but they really dig it. Every time I take it, I get some variation of INFP, INTP, INTJ. So basically, the last two letters flip around, but the introversion never becomes an E. I've never gotten a result that started with an E. So what does that mean? I'm an introvert? I kind of disagree. For me, as dickish as this sounds, it depends who I'm around. It's important to note that I never do anything alone. I don't live alone. I don't go out alone. Hell, I don't even take classes alone anymore. I line them up with people I've met in my major so I always have a few friends in any class I'm in. I just don't like to be alone. I get really lost in my own head if I'm left alone for any considerable amount of time. I start thinking too much. I get too self aware. I may or may not have a panic attack. I don't even like being in a room by myself. For example, if I'm studying, I'll try to goad people into hanging out in the same room with me by putting on a movie or something. That being said... Some people are sincerely fucking exhausting and I'd rather be alone. This is a knock on myself as much as anyone else, but... you know you kinda suck if I'd rather be alone in a room than talk to you. It's nothing for me to go from a class full of people, to riding home in a car full of people, to hanging out at my house with 5 or 6 people. It doesn't drain my battery at all. It keeps my mind preoccupied and my anxiety levels are usually the lowest at those points. But there are some people (singular individuals) who absolutely exhaust me just from, like, a 2 minute conversation. Being around them is like being at an oversold concert at a local dive club. Everything they say just saps my energy. They have almost a vampiric effect on me. When I leave the conversation, I'm drained of energy as though I've just run a marathon. Ironically, one of those people is a friend who has the same mental health disorder as me (borderline personality). See, I told you this was just as much a drag on myself as a drag on other people. I probably can't even properly explain how crazy our interactions can get. Like, situations that escalate from friendly joking to full-on screaming or even physically fighting within a matter of seconds. It's obviously very healthy for both of us, but borderlines have this thing with abandonment, which is a topic for another entry. My point is... If the definition of an introvert/extrovert is as above mentioned (social interaction drains energy/social interaction recharges energy), then I don't really know which category I fall into. I'm of the camp that it depends on the specific people I'm interacting with. A bunch of people who I already know and get along with well? I'll definitely gain energy from that and be the last one awake. If it's a bunch of people I don't know or an individual with whom I have a mercurial relationship, then my battery is about to flatline.Seether is neither loose nor tight |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: Wish [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: I’m 24 today! Write about your most memorable birthday. My favorite entry (or entries ) today will receive a Birthday MB! Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Happy birthday, Emily  !  I don't remember almost any of my birthdays. Well, I remember the one I just had two weeks ago, but that one was whatever... Here's a partial memory: I'm 16. No, I'm 18. I'm 17 and this is the first time I've witnessed someone masturbating out in the open in public. He's legally parked in a rust-colored Kia Sedona, 20 feet back from the stop sign at the crosswalk I intend to take. It's one of those unbearably hot Son of Sam kind of summer nights where humidity causes everything to swell and suffocate. He has his driver's window down and is drenched in sweat - whether from the heat or exuberant act of love, I'll never know. His hair sticks to his face, his head lolling loosely as he grunts. "Just keep walking," you tell me. I haven't been in the city very long. "There could be kids around," I whisper. I look around as though a school bus is about to appear at 11 o'clock at night. You tell me to mind my own business. I wonder if we should cross the street, but you keep walking. I try to keep my eyes ahead like you, try to keep my head up. But of course, I don't. Instead, I look over as we pass, at precisely the right time to make eye contact as he... completes. I briefly think about how bizarre it is that he doesn't even use a rag or his shirt or anything. He just finishes all over himself. It's still bothering me. That's what you say. "It's still bothering you." You say this as we arrive at the second location of the night. It's your drummer's house and the music is audible from the sidewalk. "Someone should call the police or something, right?" You laugh so hard it seems like you're about to ROFL in real life. "Wait a minute, you wanna call the police? You? Really?" The front door opens and someone inside yells that we're here. You ask me if I'm gonna be cool. You say, "It already happened." One of the neighbor's dogs is snarling and biting at their chain link fence. I shift my weight from side to side, but the thought of contacting authorities has already floated away. It's what I call an ought to. As in, someone ought to do something- but that someone ought not be me. These ought to moments almost exclusively occur when I know I should do something while simultaneously knowing that I'm not going to do anything. They're snapshot decisions. I tell you I'm straight, of course. Of course we can continue partying. Of course we can go inside. Of course we can laugh about it with everyone as though it occurred in a distant memory rather than ten minutes ago. Because, really, what is the difference between 10 seconds and 10 minutes and 10 weeks and 10 months and 10 years. It already happened. Prompt: What are some of the odd quirks you experience with your mental health issues that no one seems to talk about? Are there any strange symptoms or general oddities you've noticed? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Just as a preface, I don’t super love the word “trigger” in relation to, ya know, being triggered by shit. I don’t even know why. I think it just reminds me too much of college and people who say that they’re “triggered” by everything in existence. That being said, it’s the appropriate word to use here. One thing I do that I haven’t seen anyone mention is intentionally triggering myself. I mean actively going out of my way to do something that I know is going to cause a major meltdown or an episode. Just for example, if I have a really bad history with someone or bad memories associated to them or something, I’ll intentionally seek out information about what they’re up to or otherwise bring their existence to my attention. It’s almost like a compulsion. It’s like the need to throw something in my own face just builds up until I give in. And then I spend the next however long wallowing in anger and shame and whatever other shitty feelings. The reason I mention it is because I do it often enough that it’s an issue, but also because every time I talk to people about triggers they’re talking about methods they use to avoid them or how they calm down after accidentally encountering them. Meanwhile I’m over here like, oh, this thing that happened is super sad, let me just sit here and ruminate over how sad the memories are and drag up everything related to it that could make me feel worse. Like, what the fuck, brain. Why? Does anyone else do this?  No new tale to tell Twenty-six years, on my way to hell |
Artist: Soul Coughing Song: Circles [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: What is your opinion of New Year’s Resolutions? Do you make them? Do you keep them? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Steps out from behind the curtains. Let's see if I can get my blogging grind back on.  First of all, Happy New Year to everyone! My WDC family helps me through each year and I'm so thankful for each of you. Secondly, I fucking haaaaate New Years. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] There's just all this pressure to be better than your previous year's self, and you just know that's gonna get all sorts of fucked up by 1:00 a.m. on January 1st. Really, the resolutions shouldn't start until like the 2nd of January because we need a 24-hour purgatory after New Year's Eve. Every January 1st I feel like I should just be, like, sitting in a corner somewhere with a dunce hat on. It's messed up, but, man... I'm sick of my own shit. You ever get like that where you're just so sick of yourself? I'm sick of everything I do. Sick of being on meds and off meds. On drugs, off drugs. Sick of being sober, sick of relapsing, sick of doctors and therapists and hospitals and waiting rooms. Sick of plateauing and living a minimally viable life. I'm sick of backsliding, sick of my excuses, sick of others making excuses for me. Like, I'm just deadass done with myself. I do have "plans" for 2019. I wouldn't really call them resolutions though. I feel like that just doesn't work for me. If I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it whether it's January 1st or June 1st or November 12th. I totally understand that mindset of, like, "Ah, it's mid-December, I'll wait until January 1st and then start this healthy habit or quit this unhealthy habit." I do it too. i just don't think it actually works. The new year feels like a clean slate, but it's really not. All the shit you did in the previous year is still there. It's not like I can run into people now and have them be like, "Ah, it's 2019 Charlie AKA Charlie 2.0- the new and improved!" Like, no one cares about that shit. You're still the person that completely went psychotic, broke a bunch of shit in public, and then went to the hospital for a month. The clock ticking over to 00:00:01 on January 1st doesn't genuinely change anything. I don't say this in a negative way though. It's not a bad thing. If anything, it's a reminder that you have to do better throughout the year, not just when the year rolls over. My major malfunction with resolutions is that I feel like it sets people up to "fail" in the new year. Like, if they don't follow through with X, Y, and Z they might as well just wait until next year to try again. For example, a lot of people have resolutions to lose weight or eat healthier or stop smoking. I feel like if they keep up with their diet for 2 weeks and then slip back into unhealthy eating, they don't try again for the rest of the year. I hear so often, like, "Oh this is the year I'm gonna actually stick to my diet." When really, if you fail your diet on January 15th, you can still pick it back up on January 16th. If you do it for a month and then fall out of it, April 7th is just as good a time as any to get back into it, ya know? I have goals though. Like, for example: I am graduating in 2019. I have two semesters of college before I get my bachelor's in accounting and finance. I am finishing this year no matter what. No matter how many times my doctors tell me to take shit slow or whatever crazy-ass meltdowns I have. I don't care. This degree is getting finished in 2019. I'm going to write more. This is, like, less pressing. It's still something I want to do, and I'm off to an okay-ish start? I mean, I'm writing something at least. I want to get back into writing poetry, even though I know those first few poems are going to be utter shit until I can get my groove back. Writing garbage at this point is an improvement over not writing anything. I'm going to work on my mental health. I'm in intensive outpatient therapy right now. My doctors have provided me with a few workbooks they want me to work through between sessions and I've just tossed them to the side. Every session I go into I'm like, yeah, I've done nothing since we last spoke. I want to take care of my mental health as much as possible in 2019. I'm going to try to get on a consistent medication schedule, do my outside homework between therapy sessions, and actually give an effort toward improving.So, I think those few things are enough to have on my plate in 2019. There are other things I want to do. I want to work over summer in my field of study, I want to get good grades, I want to act better and do better in every way. But those aren't resolutions I'm gonna commit myself to. If they happen, awesome. If they don't, oh well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Prompt: We've all made it through yet another year! Reflect back on 2018. What are you most proud of? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** These prompts work so well together today. Leading off of all the above shit, it would seem that I have nothing to be proud of in 2018. But that's not true! I am extremely proud of myself for not dropping out of school. I had meetings with my doctors/family/professors/support team where it was like, "Okay, is it time to leave school for a while?" Like, serious conversations about dropping out with only 1 year left of classes. I was thisclose to doing it.It just got to the point where it was like, okay, here are some classes you're going to have to retake because you've missed too many classes. You might not be well enough to take classes next semester. Et cetera... It felt like the odds were really stacked against me in the hospital. Like, what even is the point of trying to force myself to do something that I'm going to fail at anyway? I think what stopped me is knowing that if I leave school now, I'm not gonna go back. I'm not the type of person who can leave school for a semester or two and then hop back into it all refreshed and clear of mind. It's sort of one of those "the only way out is through" situations in my mind. The only way for this to be over - permanently - is to force myself through this last year and do the best I can to take care of my health meanwhile. My grades weren't awesome last semester. I'm not proud of A LOT of the shit I did. I've permanently ruined friendships and relationships. Thanks, BPD. But I haven't given up, and sometimes, that's something to be proud of. When you were languishing in rooms I built to file you in, And when the wind set down in funnel form and pulled you in... |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I'm still so confused. How did they get to senior-level finance with so little know-how. I don't get it. 
People definitely tend to jump straight to the worst conclusion when any problem arises, which is why you so frequently hear, "My computer is broken!" when there's really a simple fix. 
Just why. It's so gross. We need to get you some personal finance help! This is only tangentially related and not a statement on you, but one of the nonprofits I work with consists of me making budget plans for people who were recently homeless and have just gotten back on their feet. A lot of the people I work with have only been at their job for less than a month or been in an apartment for a week or two. My role is to gather all of their financial information and then consult with them on their bills, disposable income, purchases, and stuff like that. It's shocking to see the financial decisions people make after just being homeless. I'm like, dude, you were just homeless 2 weeks ago. 
I have seen so much of the disasters it has caused with some people. I have in the past been unconsciously roped into financial situations that were most unpleasant and having to make sensible plans to unravel them.