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 |   My 2nd blog. My spot for sharing my life, music, and writing with my friends. |
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Hello, Hello. Fancy seeing you here. I'll work on making this nice and pretty later. *  I also have a poetry blog, for those who dig poetry:
AND I have a mental health group with a monthly challenge:
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car ♡ * I will never make this pretty. |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: Only [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Task 1: A lot of people are triggered by things they see on social media. Does social media trigger any of your mental health issues? In what ways? How do you combat it? Via
Sup, everyone? Hope your summer has been going well. I haven't blogged since May. I've been busy doing things off-site and just haven't really been here. I'm hoping the new changes to "Invalid Item"  makes things more interactive so that I have a reason to be around more. That sounds bad. It sounds like an ultimatum.  It's not. More just like, I'll have a reason to be around if I have people to talk to and do things with.I'm a little bit rusty. Social media is the absolute worst. WDC is the closest to social media I have, and I still hate it. Social media, that is... not WDC. Most of the time I hear about social media, it's because someone on social media has done something shitty. Either they've said something shitty, or they've treated someone shitty, or they've entirely ignored someone's existence and now someone else is sad. As far as mental health things go, I really can't think much that's worse than social media. I'm pretty much fully convinced that most of the stuff people say on social media is fake or highly exaggerated. It's not a place of any real depth, so naturally, everything focuses on the superficial aspects of life way too much. I don't care that you took the time to interrupt your day when you saw a photo op. It's not impressive. Sorry if that's mean. I don't want to take selfies and I don't want to see yours. I know what your face looks like. I know what my face looks like. Any time I've been on social media, I've started feeling like a different species. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how people manage to maintain social media accounts, especially on like 5 different platforms. It seems draining on the psyche. To me, social media is just a platform for making some people feel more important than they really are and making others feel less important than they really are. I don't think anyone is cool enough to become obsessed with anything they're doing, and at the same time, I don't understand why it's hard to hit 'like' on someone's posts. It takes less than a second and might make them feel good. Those points are at odds with each other, but what I mean is that on WDC, I'll 'like' something if I read it. I took the time to read it, so why wouldn't I acknowledge that I took the time to do so? To that extent, I understand it. But the nonstop humblebragging that people do is utterly exhausting. I can't be bothered. Sometimes people will show me something from someone's social media if I know them. It'll be like a picture from their vacation. Instead of just saying, "Here's a pic from Jamaica" or whatever, they're like, "Absolutely BREATHTAKING  view from the 5-star  beachfront   Sandals Royal Caribbean hotel  in Montego Bay.  (What you can't see in this pic is the god-tier kielbasa omelet  and white peach sangria  ) #trulyblessed #cheatingonmydiet #summer2018 #jamaicavaca #funinthesun #bikinibod #iworkedforthis #noshirtnoshoesnoproblem #illsendyouapostcard #beachlife" Like, holy fuck, we get it. You're on vacation. Good job. Why are people so aggressively in your face about whatever shit they got going on? So yeah, it should come as no surprise that I don't think social media is great for mental health. Just from talking to people who have it, it seems pretty triggering. I know a lot of people who, like, deactivate their accounts and reactivate them all the time. It seems like a desperate cry for attention. Almost everyone I know who has social media complains about it. I'd rather just avoid it altogether. I'm losing focus Kind of drifting into the abstract In terms of how I see myself |
Artist: Arctic Monkeys Song: From the Ritz to the Rubble [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Task 13: Talk about something that made you angry this week. Via
PLUS Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week. Via
Holy shitballs, I found a blogging prompt that matched both groups. Oh, wait, that makes sense because I wrote the prompts for both groups.  Actually, I got a ton of "Invalid Item" tasks from group members. As if I could think of all that shit on my own.  Anyway, I have an actual rant to deliver today because something really fucked me off (AKA made me angry) this week. So, I had a super busy semester at school this spring. Like, it was awful and horrible. Whatever. I've bitched about it already. But sometime around midterms, my brother got married and... I didn't get invited to the wedding! Like, wtf, bro. To be fair, no one on my side of the family got invited to the wedding. They did that eloping thing where you go on vacation and then send pics like, "Yo, what up, I got married!" They had been dating forever, but my bro was in the 'Never Gonna Get Married' camp forever. Shit, like even a few months before when the possibility of getting married got brought up, he laughed about it and said it was never gonna happen. Then, blam! Married. Okay, that's cool. I wasn't too pissed about it because they eloped and they can do whatever the fuck they want. Of course, the rest of my family was horribly offended about it, especially our ma because stuff like weddings is important to mothers, no? Well then like a month later, my ma sent me a picture and said she was at my bro's house. And I was all, "That doesn't look familiar. Are you sure you're at my bros house?" Well, it turns out he bought a new house and moved without mentioning it to me. Okay, that's cool. He's busy af, I'm busy af. Whatever. He was probably going to tell me about it later (although he never did, and still hasn't told me that he moved).Yesterday, I get this frantic message from my ma about going to my brother's college graduation. I was like, "What are you talking about?" Oh, yeah, my bro graduated and his graduation ceremony is today. At this point, I'm like, okay, what the fuck is going on. I've not heard shit about like 3 major life events in a row: marriage, buying a house, college graduation. Like, those are pretty important events in a person's life, no? So I figured I should try to figure out what's going on. Like, did I piss the dude off somehow? We've always been super tight, but since I've been in school full-time and working all the time, we haven't had much time to hang out. Plus, he lives pretty far from me. We've always been good at keeping in touch and stuff though, so I'm just confused as to why there is suddenly this total lack of communication between us. But, I was busy with internship shit yesterday and I hate talking on the phone, so I just sent him an email that was totally non-confrontational. Just like, hey my dude, what's up with you not keeping me in the loop about shit that's going on with you? He responded almost right away: "Oh, (New sister-in-law) was supposed to tell you." He's pretty much delegated my new sister-in-law to keep me in the loop about everything going on with him. The problem is, new sister-in-law has hated me for all 6 years I've known her. I don't really know why she hates me. Well, I do, but I don't. She thinks I'm a shitty person because of issues I've had in the past, but issues that definitely haven't directly affected her in any way. Kinda like, "Oh, isn't that the one your parents kicked out? Ugh..." She just doesn't like me. I'm pretty pissed off that I can't even communicate with my own brother about shit that's going on with him because he just expects his new wife to send me invitations to this stuff and she won't do it. I confronted him and he was like, "Hmm, maybe she forgot?" She forgot to tell me about or invite me to all these major events? Seriously laughable response.Anyway, then my ma messaged me again and was all sorts of pissed off that I wasn't going to show up for his graduation ceremony. I tried to explain to her that I can't show up for something that I'm not invited to. I don't even have a time or place to show up? Like, I literally wasn't invited. Even after talking to my brother, he didn't give me any details on the event. Then she asked if I was going to my brother's birthday party or if I was going to skip out on that too. I was like... "WHAT BIRTHDAY PARTY???" I didn't get invited to that either.  The entire thing is half hilarious to me except that the rest of my family members are pissed at ME because I'm 'skipping out' on family shit.  The bottom line is... my entire family has a serious screw loose. I'm so glad they turned us all away We'll put it down to fate |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: Mr. Self Destruct [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Task 2: Misdiagnosis happens quite often since many forms of mental illness have similarities to one another. Have you ever experienced being misdiagnosed? If so, share your journey with us. If not, find an article or blog online that tells a story of someone else who was misdiagnosed and share what you learned. Via
First of all, let me just say it’s so fucking nice to be able to write an entry without the guilt of knowing I should really be studying. Finally finished all of my exams yesterday and it’s a pretty great feeling, even though I start summer classes in a few days. I’ll take what I can get. It’s also nice because I can actually keep up with the people doing "Invalid Item" this month, which was really my intention all along. Real life just got too busy. I’m scheming up all sorts of shit we could do this summer.  So, yeah, misdiagnosis is super common with mental health issues. It’s not like you can take a blood test and be like, “Oh, yep, looks like you have Bipolar Type 2!” This isn’t like testing for diabetes or anemia or something. A lot of it comes down to the judgment of your mental healthcare provider, and that’s pretty scary if you ask me. I’d never trust a doctor to just hear about my physical symptoms and be like, “Yeah, sounds like you have diabetes so let’s just treat you for that!” The testing part is, like, kind of super important. Have I myself been misdiagnosed? Uh... probably. Basically, I’ve been to therapy on and off with a number of therapists for years and years. There have definitely been some conflicting diagnoses and even disagreements between a therapist and psychiatrist who were working with me at the same time. There are some disorders that get mixed up quite easily. Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, for example, can be very easy to mix up. The mental health provider has to really know what they’re looking for, understand The differentiators, and be thoughtful when diagnosing. ADD and OCD are another pair that can look very similar to the untrained eye, especially when OCD is Pure-O (purely obsessional with only mental compulsions rather than physical ones). OCD causes a lot of intrusive thoughts, racing thoughts, and those lead to inattention, lack of focus, etc... It’s very normal for someone with Pure-O OCD to get misdiagnosed as having ADD, which is unfortunate because a lot of ADD medications can greatly exacerbate intrusive thoughts if the person is dealing with OCD in reality. In fact, a lot of misdiagnoses in mental health care are caught because the treatment for the misdiagnosed illness worsens the actual illness. This is very commonly seen for people who are diagnosed with depression, prescribed an SSRI, and end up having a manic episode. The person had bipolar disorder, not depression, and should have been treated with a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant. Of course, if a patient comes to you with the symptoms of depression and they’ve never experienced a manic episode, what are you going to diagnose them with? Surely not bipolar disorder because the full range of symptoms haven’t been exposed yet. That’s why it’s important to remember that while there is a lot of trial and error in mental health diagnosing and treatment, it isn’t the worst thing in the world. Being misdiagnosed with one mental illness and having that treatment trigger the actual full range of symptoms for your real disorder can be a good thing. If it means figuring out the real diagnosis and receiving the correct treatment, it might be worth it in the long run to have a manic episode or to experience a severe OCD episode, or whatever it may be. I’m kind of going in circles here, but probably just because I don’t want to discuss all of the diagnoses I’ve had over the years. Not because they’re horrible or anything, but because when you frequent different therapists for years, you wind up with a laundry list of things and you know they can’t all possibly be accurate. I sort of just take the few things I’m consistently diagnosed with across the board as fact and take the rest with a grain of salt. Some of my diagnoses are extremely obvious. Just reading the symptoms, anyone who knows me could probably accurately diagnose me with them. Others are a bit left field and I don’t feel as though they really fit me in any sort of consistent way, even if the symptoms may have lined up at one point in time. Misdiagnosis can have horrible effects, so I definitely don’t want to sound like I’m downplaying the potential severity of that situation. I’m just saying that it’s not the worst case scenario in every situation, and also, when you have experiment with mental healthcare and treatment, you know that this isn’t as much of an exact science as it seems like it should be in 2018. Your diagnoses hinge almost entirely on what you tell your provider. If you leave out important details, focus too much of your attention on a couple symptoms, or just straight up don’t keep track of things well, you could be setting yourself up for a misdiagnosis. For example, if I tell my psych that I’m terribly irritable, depressed, have no motivation, and I’m feeling fatigued... but leave out the part where I have no support at home and my relationships have disintegrated, I’ve left out crucial details that are vital for diagnosis. If I tell my psych that I’m depressed as fuck and can barely get out of bed, but leave out the part where I have crippling debt from when I’m in energetic moods and spend thousands of dollars on shit I don’t need, I've again missed a vital detail. I think it goes without saying that a good therapist will get to the bottom of these things through guided questions during talk therapy. This is by no means an ‘across the board’ thing though. Don’t ever assume that your mental healthcare provider will ‘get to the bottom of it’. If you’re ever in therapy and think, I wonder if this part is relevant? I don’t really want to mention it because it’s embarrassing... I think if it is relevant, the doctor will probably ask me about it... that’s a good sign that you should let the doctor know that thing. You have to be extremely proactive in your mental health care in order to get proper diagnosis and treatment. Track things like crazy, make lists, bring shit up. No detail is too minor and you’ll only be benefitting yourself by giving the psych a full picture of what’s going on. I take you where you want to go I give you all you need to know I drag you down, I use you up Mr. Self Destruct |
Artist: Japandroids Song: The House That Heaven Built [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Task 4: Write about your experience with counselors. If you haven't been to a counselor, why not? Do you feel like it could help? Via
What's up, everyone? I'm going to try to be more coherent in this entry because I think my last several entries have been rambly and just difficult to read. I haven't gone back to read them or anything, but I have my suspicions because I wrote them when I was extremely rushed/stressed out/tired. Not to say that I'm not any (or all) of those things currently, but I'm going to give it an actual effort this time around anyway. I'm actually just going to write about my last three therapists because I've been to so many, it's better to just do the most recent ones. Therapist 1: 18 Months Ago I started seeing a school psychologist around 18 months ago because, well, it was free. At the time, I was still working on getting ADA accommodations and I thought it would be ideal to just go directly through the school. I assumed the school wouldn't fight its own staff on getting some accommodations worked out, plus it was cheaper than paying for my own psych. Unfortunately, that was an immediate trainwreck. I filled out a preliminary form and they told me they didn't have any appointments until the following month. I still told them to go ahead and put me on the waitlist because, why not? I got a call the following day from the school's mental health faculty saying that I needed to come in immediately for an emergency evaluation. Needless to say, that freaked me out. I thought they were going to kick me out of school or something, which seems absurd, but is {x-link:}not unheard of{/x-link}. I had been very careful about what I put in the initial evaluation, so I wasn't sure what had suddenly bumped me up to an emergency case. Either way, I went ahead and walked over because I was on campus that day anyway. I went up to the desk, told them who I was, and got immediately called back to one of the offices. A woman came in and started talking to me. I assumed she was the psychologist because who else would be talking to me? Well, this woman ran through a whole list of things as if she were reading groceries off of a grocery list. "Have you ever been sexually abused and/or assaulted?" "Have you ever been physically abused and/or assaulted?" "Have you ever been verbally abused and/or assaulted?" "Have you ever been psychologically abused and/or assaulted?" This list just went on and on. I responded no to everything because I felt like I was being interrogated and had no idea how to react. After she asked all of these super personal questions, she stood up and said, "Okay, the psychologist will be in shortly." I was like WTF? I thought she was the psychologist and was just super shitty at her job. Once the therapist came in, it was no better. She was a holistic therapist apparently, and immediately suggested that I stop taking all of my medication so we could have a 'fresh' start. She said maybe I don't have the issues I've been diagnosed with and I might be just lazy. Like, that was her professional thought? So, I went to two appointments and never went back again.  Therapist 2: 17 Months Ago Almost immediately after that shitty experience, my boyfriend suggested a psychiatrist to me and I agreed to go see her. I went to her for a while and she was okay, but in hindsight, I definitely don't think she was following standard protocol. Sometimes it seemed like she was pushing my boyfriend's ideas onto me. Like, what he would want me to do, she would suggest that I do. Maybe he just had good/rational ideas for what I should do, but I do think that it's possible that she was not being as impartial as she probably should have been. I kind of saw her on and off and then I just... didn't. I can't even remember what happened that made me stop seeing her or if it was just an overall thing where I didn't see any improvement after a while so I stopped attending. That happens with therapy sometimes. I've had it happen in the past where I feel like the therapist has just reached the limit of what they're going to be able to instill in me or help me with and I move on. Therapist 3: 9 Months Ago My most recent therapist was great. It's really hard to find a therapist that you trust and can talk to, but I really found one last year. She was honest without being harsh. She seemed to understand where I'd been and where I wanted to go. I felt like we made a lot of movement in the right direction over the course of last summer. I was going through a lot of shit and she kind of made a road map of how to sort things out so that I could get back to school full-time in the fall. And it worked. I went back to school full-time in late August. My therapist wrote recommendation letters to my school and got me a lot of help for my mental health issues through the school. It was nice. And then in late fall, I realized I was going to lose my health insurance and couldn't even come close to paying out of pocket for her services. Trying to remember now how much it was... I'm thinking in the $175-250 range for one hour. I had been going twice a week for months. Once this therapist found out I was no longer going to be able to afford her services, she completely changed. She didn't seem interested in helping anymore at all. Like, she seemed sympathetic, but nothing above that. She kept telling me she would get me some resources before my insurance ran out, but she never did. I tried to get her to work with me at all on the pricing and she said she couldn't. She pretty much totally checked out after seeming so invested in my wellness. It sucked. I'd honestly invested a lot into this therapist and it was like, "Ah, you can't pay anymore? Get bent." I've not looked for a new therapist since then. Well, I should rephrase. I looked for a new therapist. I even emailed a bunch of therapists to see if they'd accept lower rates because I'm a full-time student without health insurance. I got a lot of responses and almost everyone I emailed either wrote back with resources or with the lowest price they could take for sessions (often much lower than the listed prices). For some reason, that made me feel even worse. Like people who didn't know me at all, had never talked to me, were more willing to help me out than the therapist I'd been paying for and working with for months. Yeah, it sucked... When they love you, and they will Tell 'em all they'll love in my shadow |
Artist: Buddy Wakefield Song: Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
I didn't participate in "Invalid Item" last year. In fact, I don't even remember it happening last year, but apparently it did. I'm always so busy with school (and even busier this year than last), but I thought I'd throw a couple poems in the ring throughout the month. Basically, I'm still obsessed with Buddy Wakefield, which was the case two years ago too. I thought I'd start out with a Wakefield poem just because. "Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars" If we were created in God’s image then when God was a child he smushed fire ants with his fingertips and avoided tough questions. There are ways around being the go-to person even for ourselves even when the answer is clear like the holy water Gentiles drank before they realized Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. I thought those were chime shells in your pocket so I chucked a quarter at it hoping to hear some part of you respond on a high note. You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars and abandoned me for not making sense. Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do. For example, I know mercy when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar (somebody’s gotta change that shit). You understand the power of God’s mercy whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine straight up into your heart. It felt amazing the days you were happy to see me so I smashed a beehive against the ocean to try and make our splash last longer. Remember all the honey had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light strands of gold drizzling out to the tips of your wasps. This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go. It was not my intention to make such a production of the emptiness between us playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive. It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there and that you meant it but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying all my eggs were in a basket of red flags all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off trying to drive all your nickels to the well when you were happy to let them wishes drop but I still show up for gentleman practice in the company of lead dancers hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes. Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman or is it a cattle call in a school of fish? Still dance with me less like a waltz for panic more for the way we’d hoped to swing the night we took off everything and we were swingin’ for the fences don’t hold it against my love you know I wanna breath deeper than this you know I didn’t mean to look so serious didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board but there were knives s-stuck in the words where I came from too much time in the back of my words. I pulled knives from my back and my words. I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath but I wanna show ya how I found my breath to death it was buried under all the wind instruments hidden in your castanets goddamn if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left yeah if you ever wanna come inside just knock on the spot where I finally pressed STOP playing musical chairs with exit signs. I’m gonna cause you a miracle when you see the way I kept God’s image alive. Forgiveness is for anybody who needs a safe passage through my mind. If I was really created in God’s image then when God was a boy he wanted to grow up to be a man a good man and when God was a man a good man He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses. He’d say, “I know. I really shoulda wore my cross again but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.” I'm very into spoken word poetry. I just love listening to it, and while I could never do it myself, I have written things that I think would be better for spoken word than for reading on paper. Sometimes you write something that looks rambly and all over the place on paper, but with the right emphasis and timing, it can fit in more with spoken word. Anyway, I promise I won't harass you all with Buddy Wakefield all month, but... who else to start off with? I love so much about this poem in particular. It's obvious hearing Wakefield read it how emotional the poem is to him. Every time I watch this video, it makes me a little bit emotional too because it's just like, yeah, I feel that. I like too many of the lines to really get into them because I'd be here all day writing about it if I did. Just a couple of my favorites though: This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go. don’t hold it against my love you know I wanna breath deeper than this you know I didn’t mean to look so serious didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board This is really a spoken word poem though. You have to actually watch it performed to get the full effect. Task 1: Do you have any items in your port about your mental health issues? List some of them and give a little background on the items. Via
So, now to throw my shitty poetry next to that...  I do have some poems in my port related to mental health issues. I have a ton of poems about substance abuse, if those count: "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Entry" Some about intrusive thoughts/nightmares from OCD: "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" Poems about medication: "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Entry" And of course some about anxiety and depression: "Invalid Entry" , "Invalid Item" , "Night Dancing" , "Invalid Entry" |
Artist: Rage Against the Machine Song: Bulls on Parade [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Day 13: Write about something you have trouble being grateful for Via
I'm completely buried in everything right now. I've been working on part of my semester-long group project since 8 o'clock this morning... it is now 10 p.m. So, yeah. I managed to take a 15 minute break to shower and that's about it. That being said, this week has been a hell of a lot better than last week. I pretty much spent the entirety of last week wallowing in self-pity. I don't even know why. I couldn't do the most basic shit like getting out of bed, working, studying... Luckily, that has lifted a bit, or rather I've forced that away for the time being because I absolutely have to do this group project and work the rest of the week. I fully expect another collapse after Sunday because that appears to be the way of things. I work nonstop for several days and barely even sleep, and then I completely withdraw and can't seem to do anything for several days. If I could balance that out, it would be great, but in the mean time, whatever. Moving on to the prompt though... I have a really hard time feeling grateful for things I believe a person should be doing anyway. The problem is, my idea of what someone should be doing is a variable. It completely depends on my mood that week. It basically boils down to this: If my mood is up, I expect less from people. If I'm down, I expect more. It sounds totally backwards, but it's just the way my brain works. When I'm up, I'm more patient in general. When someone does something that's pleasant, I appreciate it even if it's expected. When I'm down, well, good luck getting anything positive out of me. Appreciation? Keep dreaming. So, last week, I couldn't really be appreciative of anything my group was doing. Like, you did your portion of the assignment? Cool. You were supposed to do that. Generally speaking, I have trouble being grateful for advice I'm given when my moods are fluctuating a lot. Even if I hear something and I know the person is right, it doesn't really permeate the surface the way it maybe could or should. I'm not grateful for things I work for and achieve. People will always tell me I'm "lucky" that I got a good grade on an exam, and I'm like, eh... not really. I studied a shit ton and got a good grade. If I sacrifice for something, I'm not really lucky to earn it. I'm not "lucky" that I live in a good neighborhood. I work hard and sacrifice owning a home in exchange for living in a safe neighborhood in a good location. Being thankful for my ability to pursue an education is different. Being thankful for my ability to work is different. But I'm not lucky or grateful for my actual pursuit of being successful in those things. That's mostly just a side effect of working really fucking hard. And then just to tack on a few, I'm not grateful for people who try to force their opinions on me or convert me into anything I'm not interested in. I'm not grateful for a country full of violence with laughably bad healthcare. I'm not grateful for a government run by self-interest groups with pockets full of cash. Damn, maybe I'm in a shittier mood than I thought. I'm clearly angry, but I have no idea why, so make of that what you will. Weapons, not food, not homes, not shoes Not need, just feed the war cannibal animal |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: Down In It [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Day 25: Write about what a "bad" day means to you Via
It's a slow decline into apathy. It starts so innocuously. In fact, noticed the symptoms first and backtracked from there. Little things that annoyed me, like how almost every piece of commentary I make starts with that's. Oh, that's cool. That's interesting. That's shitty. That's good. That's not good. That's okay. That's strange. That's awesome! That's a bummer. With indifference, it's the lack of things, not the presence of things. For me personally, a complete lack of outward emotion is more than noticeable. I went from crying several times a week to several times a month to once or twice every couple months to literally never in the span of a couple years. That's shitty for me because my emotion is what makes me endearing to people. If I can't get emotional, I can't get away with anything. Try finding empathy in people when you're the human equivalent of a mid-winter brick. Doesn't work. Other people: You don't care at all, do you!?!? Me: Uhhhh... -_- I'm trying to. When someone tells me something, I'm attempting to feel something. Yeah, "that's awful" is a perfectly valid initial reaction, but incredibly superficial when their words don't even break the surface tension. I swear, someone could say that most shocking and appalling thing to me and I couldn't even muster slight intrigue. I mean, I can go through the motions. "Oh no, the guy on the subway jerked off onto your new shoes? That's terrible." It's just, like... nothing. There's nothing there. I keep thinking I'm going to break. Everything's going to build up and then I'll just explode all at once, but I don't. I have outbursts. I have episodes. I break shit. I kick rocks. whatever. Nothing actually releases though. There's no satisfaction. Everything is contrived. I can't write because every time I try to write my brain goes into academic mode and all I can think about is glossy textbook pages with 'key concepts' and equations. Like, fuck, someone in my family can literally die and my reaction is, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Like, what the fuck is that? How removed. My mother's sister just randomly fucking died and that's all I said. It's all I could think to say. That wasn't an initial reaction either, I mean, it has been weeks now and I've not thought of anything better. I feel unplugged. There's no source of energy for me. It's just a blur of exams, group projects, work, too little sleep, occasional meals, too many cigarettes, too few honest conversations. I don't know. Something just isn't right. So what's a bad day? I'd say today qualifies. When I'm down af and overanalyzing my everything while simultaneously being pissed off at myself for not getting done what actually needs to get done. Not to mention the knowledge that a bad day could be so incredibly worse. Oh, and by the way, all you "Invalid Item" people can loosely use the prompts like this. If you've got something to rant about, just do it and then toss the most closely related prompt on it. I do it all the time for various challenges. If it connects in your head, it connects for me. Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe |
Artist: The Rolling Stones Song: Rocks Off [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Write about how you feel today and what has caused you to feel that way. Via
The only thing I can say about February 3rd is... at least it's not January 31st? I had a complete meltdown Wednesday night, which I think I briefly mentioned or was trying to get at in my February first entry: "Invalid Entry" . After the whole, "I literally can't stop talking" thing, I was wired pretty much all night. And then it continued into the 1st of the month, and then the 2nd... I just couldn't get myself to comedown from that episode of hyperactivity, if you will. I couldn't sit still, couldn't concentrate, and therefore got absolutely nothing done Thursday or Friday. Usually if I can get the right combination of pills going, I can knock myself out completely for a while and wake up feeling much calmer. Thank fuck, that's what I did. So I was able to sleep last night. For 10 hours. Then I was able to wake up this morning and go meet up with my group to work through an assignment we have due on Monday. I have a lot of work to do today to make up for whatever the fuck that was, but I'm feeling a lot more in control for the time being. I'm sort of exhausted. I look like shit, but that's nothing new. My group members said I look like I've not slept since they saw me on Wednesday, and I was thinking, Well, ACTUALLY, I've slept a whole 10 hours since Wednesday.  My hopes for the day are to study for an exam I have on Monday and then work tonight, and I think I'll actually be able to accomplish it now that I've calmed down and have some sleep under my belt. On one hand, I'm like, self-medicating is bad. On the other hand, I'm like, why the fuck would I ever stop? Yeah, I know my perspective's fucked, but I've never gotten anything good out of the straight and narrow. Why stick to something that doesn't work? Why deviate from something that does work? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Either way, I feel pretty good so far today. Fairly balanced. Sort of tired despite sleeping. But mostly, and most importantly, slightly hopeful that I'm going to actually get some shit done today. So... let's do it.  The sunshine bores the daylights out of me Chasing shadows moonlight mystery |
Artist: Matchbox Twenty Song: Unwell [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Day 1: Write about something that frustrated you yesterday Via
I mean, where to even start... I'm in an incredibly intense semester at school. It just started a few weeks ago, but I already feel beyond burned out. Probably because last semester just bled into this one and the summer semester bled into that one. I have one super long day on campus this semester. Super long as in like 12-14 hours straight. I can't even begin to pay attention for that length of time. I'm lucky if I can pay attention for the first 20 minutes of my first class. By the time I get to the last one, I've been at school for around 11 hours. Guess what I remember from that class? If you guessed "fuck all", you are very correct. As if that weren't frustrating enough, I had to leave school and immediately have a meeting with my semester-long group. These are the people I'll be working with from now until May. We're going to get to know each other very well. I have this issue where I get sort of a sensory overload when I'm being pulled in several directions at once. Some people thrive under pressure like that. I am not one of those people. I get straight up panicky, jittery. I can't stop fidgeting and I talk incessantly. People have to ask me to slow down because I start talking so quickly and in such a disjointed way that I'm incomprehensible. I've been accused of being on speed on several occasions and, like, 90% of the time I wasn't. So, as you can image, after 14 hours of school, this is pretty much how I acted at my first official group meeting. On one hand, people like it because none of us really know each other yet and they like the energy. On the other hand, there's like a 50/50 chance that the next time we meet up, I'll barely talk. Therein lies a problem because it's like, okay, so... you're just two different people? I'm usually quiet in real life. I have decent social skills. Most people like me when they meet me. I do talk. It's just that I don't talk unless I have something of value to say. I'm not one of those boisterous, extroverted people that will talk freely about whatever comes to mind. But on days like yesterday, it's just like word vomit. I wish that I could be a more consistent person. I never know what my mood is going to entail at any given moment. If my brain could give me a schedule to work with, I'd be able to move some things around and appear mostly sane. Of course, that's not how it works. Instead, I get to leave everyone around me like ... And that's frustrating af. But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me |
Artist: Conor Oberst Song: Cape Canaveral [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Tell us something you learned about a couple of your fellow challengers this month. Via
Let's see... I learned that I'm still too busy to do 30-day challenges, so that's something! I'm pretty much always operating at full capacity. To do one thing, I have to give another thing up. So, of course, things that aren't work or school related end up getting put on the backburner. I'm hoping I'll fare better whenever the Soundtrackers challenge starts. I've not heard when that's taking place. If it's in the summer, I should be golden. If it's between now and May, well, I'm gonna fail.  So, what did I learn about everyone this month? Well, I met Jayne  and Lilli 🧿 ☕  , so that was cool. My favorite thing about these blogging challenges is meeting new people. To me, it's just a lot more immersive than reading someone's poetry from a distance and being like, "Yeah, that's good stuff." Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it doesn't form a bond the way a monthly blogging challenge that encourages reading/commenting on other people's entries.In fact, I've met about 90% of the people I'm closest to here through blogging. Either blogging alongside of them or having them send me an email like, "Hey, I've been reading your blog for a while and just want to say . . ." It's honestly a good icebreaker. Another fun thing about "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" is that you learn something new about everyone. Even someone you've known for years. A prompt will come up and they'll mention something and you're like, wait, what? I didn't know that! I feel like that happened with Cinn  this month, but I can't really remember at the moment because I haven't slept since Saturday. Let me try to find it...Ah, fuck it. I can't remember. Oh, I did learn that a lot of people have been robbed or mugged in some way and that was super interesting because, like, no one ever talked about??? I learned that a lot of people have had completely terrible babysitting experiences. Oh, and there are bunch of good cooks around here. I heard a really cool story about GeminiGem survived GoT  's bibliophile dad. One thing that stands out is that I'm CLEARLY not the only one that can't finish 30 days of blogging at the moment. We lost so many people along the way. I guess it's gotta be like that sometimes. The commitment is too much for me. I do plan to work on my own monthly challenge. (That's allowed, right?) In case you've not seen it somewhere, "Invalid Item" is starting up on the 1st of February. You can email me if you wanna join the group. I think my schedule is more appropriate for things like that at this point. If I don't sleep for two days and I'm on campus until 9 o'clock at night, I can easily hop on and send someone a cNote and have one daily task done.I mean, really, that's what I love about challenges like "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . I like being connected to the community. I hate when I'm pulling 15+ hour days and I feel so disconnected from WDC. I'll sometimes log on and then just stare at the screen for a few minutes, like, yeah... I can't get involved in anything because I don't have time to actually dive headfirst in. I'm selfishly hoping that "Invalid Item" will keep me connected to the site during these next few months when school is completely devouring my everything.As always, it has been a pleasure to blog with you all. Even though I missed some days and wasn't as engaged as I wanted to be toward the end, I still had fun. So, thanks. You taught me victory's sweet Even deep in the cheap seats |
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I'm still so confused. How did they get to senior-level finance with so little know-how. I don't get it. 
People definitely tend to jump straight to the worst conclusion when any problem arises, which is why you so frequently hear, "My computer is broken!" when there's really a simple fix. 
Just why. It's so gross. We need to get you some personal finance help! This is only tangentially related and not a statement on you, but one of the nonprofits I work with consists of me making budget plans for people who were recently homeless and have just gotten back on their feet. A lot of the people I work with have only been at their job for less than a month or been in an apartment for a week or two. My role is to gather all of their financial information and then consult with them on their bills, disposable income, purchases, and stuff like that. It's shocking to see the financial decisions people make after just being homeless. I'm like, dude, you were just homeless 2 weeks ago. 
I have seen so much of the disasters it has caused with some people. I have in the past been unconsciously roped into financial situations that were most unpleasant and having to make sensible plans to unravel them.
