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  My blog was filled up. I'm too lazy to clean it out. So I started a new one. |
| Today I had an unexpected text asking me to have lunch with my four year old great nephew at his school for Turkey day. I jumped into the shower and took my medicine before answering. I showed up at the school, but they weren't doing anything for parents or grands this week. I called my niece to discover she had mentioned the wrong child. I was at the wrong school. I had to drive miles away to get to his school, but they have a long lunch time, so I made it. He played with another boy, did not eat, and basically ignored me. He did tell the teacher I was his grandma. On the way home, I stopped near the horse farm where I fell on the gravel road back in August. I had blacked out, and still haven't recalled falling or what happened to me. I am still healing from my numerous injuries. Nothing rang a bell. No sparks of light came back to me. I was running beside the moving car, and came to on the ground with grass in my face. I tried to determine where I fell, which tree stopped the car, where the boys were standing when I came to. Nothing. There are piles of dry leaves covering the ground. The skid marks in the gravel, where I pulled out of the woods, are gone. Oh, well, my memory is gone with it. Only some pain and the scars remain. Then as I got closer to town, I decided to stop at the cemetery. I visited the family plot and talked to my mother, my two brothers, and my father, the last to go. It was hard. I told them I missed them and thanked them for all their love, even the spats or disagreements. If they were here, we'd have a less than ideal Thanksgiving, but we'd be together. They could spoil all those little ones. My mother never met any of them. One bother, who lavished gifts on kids he knew, only met one of the kids. The other brother was the grandfather of six, including the baby I met at school today. He also knew and loved the 7th child, the only son of my baby brother who will celebrate with me this week. Then I drove further into the cemetery to visit my mother's parents, who passed in the 1980's. I thanked them for all the memories and for giving me my wonderful mother. I knew they weren't perfect, but they loved me and I loved them. So totally without planning, I spent at least half the day honoring 5 generations of my family. I have so much to do this week, but this was time well spent. I spent time outdoors, gave thanks and paid my respects to people who have meant a lot to me and still mean a lot. t |
| I heard a sermon last Sunday about Moses being so close to the Promised Land, yet being denied the fulfillment of his dream. He was never to enter that land. The message for us was that, perhaps, we, too, have dreams which we need to release. I spoke with several others later, who felt as I did, that he was preaching to us individually. I didn't realize this was a universal theme. I feel a need to have my own ceremony: to get out the shovel and dig a hole in the flower bed, or several. Then I should symbolically bury a couple of old dreams. We all have different dreams, but life gets in the way. At some point we realize we might have the ambition, but not the talent to be a rock star. Personally, I will never be a self-made millionaire. I will never live in a large home which I decorated myself, with lovely landscaping. I will not be a world traveler. I will not have children or grandchildren. For that matter, It is highly unlikely I will ever find true romantic love. I will never have an enviable, successful career. Those are all dreams I need to let go. Yes, there are motivational speakers who tell us we don't dream big enough. We are encouraged to make Vision Boards. I decided retiring should be re-firing, as Kathy Lee Gifford says. So, I made a Vision Board almost two years ago. The vision included travel, decluttering my life, falling in love (more important, having someone one good fall in love with me), a well-maintained yard, being a productive writer, reading prolifically, being physically fit for someone my age and with my medical problems, overhauling and replacing my wardrobe, and losing weight. I actually bought the poster board and glued pictures, etc. I still look at it occasionally, and think I'm making no progress. After all that work, the speaker told us to narrow the list down. So, I combined weight and exercise together, combined house and yard and car under decluttering/organizing, I eliminated wardrobe, except on an as needed basis, and travel due to a more realistic financial outlook. And now I realize that we do sometimes hang onto dreams too long. I am going to give up perusing cruise catalogs. I am going to stop being envious of friends who go to exotic places with their families. I confess that I gave up the notion of my own family due to biology, but that at various times in my life, usually stressful times, I imagined what it would be like to have my kids; Maybe I pictured teenagers, a few years later, I pictured college students or beyond. Then I hit the grandma phase. If I had started young enough, I'd have great grandkids by now, maybe even teenage great grandkids. I need to bury the fantasies, along with the desire. I have held onto dreams, despite circumstances, because I always believed and hoped some miracle "out there" would happen and make it possible to open my own business, or an older Prince Charming would come along and make every day life seem more exciting. But those dreams might be keeping me from making the most of where I am right now. If I have my little ceremony, it doesn't mean I'm giving up on life or becoming a sedentary has been. I just need to be in the here and now, and not a dream from decades ago. I need to put my emotional and mental energy to realistic dreams for today, using my talents and creativity available now. I can't sing like I used to. So what? My memory takes a second or two longer. I have so much to remember. If I let go of what wasn't meant to be, maybe I'll find satisfaction. |
| I took a 2 hour vegan class today at the hospital outpatient center. There were useful tips. We got a free lunch for our free class. It was just samples of her salads. It was kind of fun, if you have low requirements for fun. I learned that the healthiest foods have three criteria: no animal product, no (or low) saturated fats, has fiber. I don't mind cutting back on meat products, but dairy products are my addiction. I can't make it without eggs and cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt, ice cream, and milk in baked goods, etc. Chicken is no better than beef or pork. Meat is meat. Fat is fat. Period. Olive oil, EVO, coconut oil are no lower in calories than bacon fat or corn oil. Physicians tells us that now we no longer count carbs if you're diabetic or trying to lose weight. Concentrate on plants to be healthier. This group claims the way to reduce arthritis, maintain (or possibly reverse) diabetes, prevent cancer, and live with heart disease is to eat a plant based diet. And physical movement, of course. I have already reduced my meat consumption, due to inflation, but now I will make a conscientious choice to do veggies and fruit. I take fiber supplements and occasionally eat oatmeal, so now more veggies will increase that. I'll see how it turns out. We did not see any cooking in this class, only mixing and a lecture. |
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