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  My blog was filled up. I'm too lazy to clean it out. So I started a new one. |
| It's always a great time for introspection on the last night of the year. What made you happy in 2020 and what made you sad in 2020? I think a lot of people will find it easier to think of the sad part. For me it was watching my father pass away. I knew it was coming. I was sitting there waiting for it to happen. There was a long time between breaths. A respiratory therapist came in and couldn't find a heartbeat. She was very calm about it. I couldn't respond to her. Within minutes 5 nurses were there checking. When someone looked to the charge nurse for confirmation, and she nodded, I teared up. But I thought I had it under control. Suddenly, one of those young nurses bent over to hug me tightly and I lost it. I boohooed out loud and held her back (despite COVID risks). I don't remember what anyone said, though I know the gist of it. For a few minutes I was engulfed with sadness. Nothing can prepare you for that moment. Happy moments are harder to remember. Most of those were glimpses of the kids in my life. When the three year old just forgot himself and jumped into my lap. Watching the five year old trying to coordinate a fist bump or elbow bump with great grandpa. Just little things, fleeting moments. My church tried to find alternate means of worship to satisfy the governor's restrictions. I stayed with a very small group who did an early outdoor service, shorter than usual. Another small group did a short indoor service, spaced appropriately, with no singing (the law). It got colder, after the mosquitoes disappeared. One day it rained. I got the feeling we had rediscovered worship. We went to great lengths and discomfort to be together and pray and meditate. The outdoor group had squirrels and songbirds. The Sunday after my father died, I brought four children with me. They ran around away from us and added background noise. It almost doubled attendance. I felt a kinship to those first century Christians, before buildings and formalities encumbered the church. That's a happy outcome. |
| My dear father has passed at age 92. He suffered a lot the last month, but in the end, he passed peacefully. Now I have so much work with the funeral home, the insurance, the cemetery, family and friends, banking, etc. I not only lost my father, but the person I live with, and the person for whom I physically cared. I'm in for major adjustments. It will be lonely not having another person in the house. I won't need to change his bed or wake him up to get ready for bed. I cooked for him. I have no incentive to make a hot meal just for me. I can come and go as I please. You would think that would make me happy and feel free. It feels weird and makes me sad. I didn't mind taking care of him. I would have done it longer. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm also worried about my future. I'll be okay for about six months, but then who knows? There's the grief, the loss, the fear of the future, the loneliness, but also guilt. What could have I done differently. Was I too impatient when he was in the hospital trying to rip off his leads, oxygen, and his catheter? Did I get an edge to my voice when I tried to stop him from getting out of bed? Could I have done something else to relieve his discomfort? Probably, but I'll never know for sure. I loved him. He was a good man, and now there is a hole in my heart and in my life. |
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