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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| I am feeling crazy to keep on my feet to survive the next two hours. God grant me strength. Hopefully I will good heading home. God be with me. |
| My love for you knew no bounds Amidst confusion, a hope for loves embrace Tomorrow could not come soon enough For us to recall the joy of being whole Both of us like to run the race Once again you made it the finish line first Yet you know how I refuse to give up I will fight to be with you against all odds Our brotherhood means that much |
| Grief wells up like a balloon ready to pop. I am asleep and awake at the same time waiting for the nightmare to end. I set before myself a goal and trust I can get there with God's help and even if I do not God will catch me in the end. I can only hope and pray for this to be true. |
| So do I go forward or backward from here? I am looking at my future. I have no more than 54 days till retirement goal with about 30 allocated to day off material. That is like working one of every two days. I hope to talk retirement. It will be here whether I want it or not. |
| I am so tired I can feel right foot go numb. Not sleepy, just weary. I need to slow down. My money's are in good shape. By week's end should have close to 20,000, a lot more than I have ever had. My fatigue could get the best of me. Not sure what is the point.,? I pray God helps me see and know peace within. Using resources to bless. |
| I need to start somewhere. It has to be birth. I am the oldest. Dad takes mom on as project and mom has decided getting married to dad is the right thing. It is in the name of someone named Gary who is coming on the scene. Mom is leaving affluence determined to be the mom her mother was not. And dad lost his dad when he was about a teenager. What could go wrong? Mom was clearly from ministry background, her grandfather founded an assembly church. Dad's father had minister aspiration. Love is in the air. Kurt is the result of the decision that they made to be joined to each other. From looking at some early pictures it made no sense that the oldest son was all grins while kurt was a bit glum in comparison. Sometimes what seems so ideal does not look as pretty as mom and dad might want. Yet as time goes on one can see positives. Kurt is a social butterfly go getter. He thrives on being on the outside. He is sports minded in ways that the oldest is not. Kurt is a sprinter leaving the older son in the dust. Maybe it will make sense some day, even as Dad slaves away in a factory job just out of high school. He has help from a friend who helps him get job. Mom is committed to being the stay at home mom for better or worse. And so the story begins... Kurt and Gary are a little less than one year apart. They will share the upstairs room most of their childhood. Gary slept on the right side bed next to the window. Kurt was in the left side bed by the window. It was waking up together and then going in totally different directions. Gary liked being inside and played with toys, puzzles and books as he got older. Kurt was a lot more comfortable on the outside where he seemed to have lots of friends. He was not one to stay in much. And as the two brothers go older kurt was working ahead of his older brother Gary doing a paper route with Beaver(a nickname). He made money. And thus I became more of a conniver trying to find a way to get even, and once I did get money it was spent just as fast, while kurt was more of a saver. One of the ways we made easy money was by brushing moms hair. We got a quarter for this labor of love. Sometimes we got in trouble for doing it wrong. I recall one of the situations where kurt got in trouble and I got hit instead of him. This began the perception that kurt was favored more. I was developing an awful temper. Whatever you do, don't get Gary mad. I fought. It was the only way to get even with a brother who seemed to be special. Most of my fighting revolved around crying and then getting real mad and beating the hell out of someone. |
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