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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| It is scary getting older. For me it is anyway. I will be 48 in May and that much closer to 50. Both my oldest sister and my mother were very excited about turning 50. When my sister Janey turned 50 she wore her age as a badge of honor. It excited her to be that age. My mother turned 50 when I was 9 years old and I remember her being in fascinated awe with the age. "Gee! I am half a century old!" She would say.They embraced their age and did not ever seem to dread it or be remiss of it. Both of them were people who were always inspired by the here and now be it good or bad. My father was the opposite.Though not outright lamenting getting older, he was a person who was in love with the good old days. My mom used to accuse him of living in the past too much, but I suspect my dad, not unlike myself, may have been suffering from depression. Thinking back on my childhood and the way he was I see many similarities between he and myself. I know he had PTSD even back then it had a name. There just was not as much treatment and therapy for it as there is today. This was in the 70s. People were just acknowledging the fact that soldiers were adversely affected by combat. They had been aware for years but not a whole lot in terms of trying to treat this malady had been done. I think the 70s was when there was a serious outcry for help and trying to find ways to cope with this disorder. However, even if therapy and anti depressant/anti psychotic drugs had been as prevalent at that time, my dad was not the type of person to seek treatment, because in his way of thinking he was fine. Not fine in the way that everything in his life was as it should be, but fine in the sense that he would carry on because that is what men did no matter what. I don't know if he would have been depressed without the PTSD or not. I do understand some of the symptoms he displayed are the same as mine. But he did live the last years of his life with one foot planted firmly in the past, and the other ? I am not sure. He did not seem to be excited about life in the present and the future did not seem to hold any hope for him. I am the same way to some degree. I do miss the days of old although I am not in any hurry to return to them. I do lament some of them. I do find it difficult to enjoy my life as it is now. Nothing seems to give me the joy of being alive. My mother had that joy so did my oldest sister. My middle sister I think was somewhere in between. As for the future I do hold hope for it. I do believe things have the possibility to change. I don't think my dad felt that way. I think he saw everything as one giant shade of gray that encompassed everything and would not let up. I do see the sunlight break through that grayness here and there so maybe all is not lost for me. I think a lot of my anxiety about my approaching 50s is because neither one of my sisters made it out of theirs. My oldest sister Janey died Dec. 24th 2009, one month after turning 56, and my middle sister Dana died Oct. 17th 2010, two months after turning 53. I feel like if I make to 60 it will be a miracle. Everything that goes wrong health wise I am sure is because of cancer. It is a terrible paranoia I have. Even simple maladies like chest colds, or hay fever make me think that I have cancer. I am not terrified of death. I am terrified of cancer! I am terrified of what it does to you while you are still here. I have seen how it slowly drains you of life. Slowly eats your remaining time.I have seen the affects of chemo and radiation and how they too drain you of yourself. I do not believe they are effective in the treatment of cancer. I do not want to go through it but I am terrified that it will become my fate just like that of my sisters. I am afraid of dying before I ever really lived. I am afraid of being a blip on the screen of life. Sometimes the memories I have of my sisters and parents seem so long ago and I cry out,"They were here! They were real! They had lives and they existed!" I know it seems weird but I just feel like they are becoming blips. Life is short no matter how many years you live. My father died in his 60s, my sisters in their 50s. My mother out of all them got to finish her life. She died at the age of 81. I know they are just numbers but I feel like my dad and sisters did not get to complete their lives. Especially my sisters, for I believe my dad was ready to die but I know my sisters were not! Is this what is in store for me? Is this my fate? I want to be more like my mom and sister Janey, who embraced each decade of their lives, but I am held in constant check by an irrational fear! I don't want to have an unfinished life. I want to look back at the end of this journey and be able to say, "Yes! I lived and loved greatly. I left a legacy for my daughter and granddaughter to embrace." My biggest fear is to be at the door of death and have remorse over not loving enough of not ever finding that elusive joy of living. I do not want to fade away as a blip. |
| Okay so I have been on WDC all night and I have tons of reminders to update my blog. In fact I did make an entry when I first got on but I guess I didn't save it. I was productive polishing up my port and putting a review page together. So all was not in vain. As for me not making an entry for week, well chalk it up to working all night and sleeping all day, which reminds me I better get to bed. I have to get to bed. The sun is already up and no self respecting vampire would still be up at this time! Work will be beckoning this evening. So here is to my next day off. Maybe I will arouse myself from my coma and play some more here at WDC playground. |
| The thing that is unnerving to me about depression and anxiety is how out of nowhere things all of the sudden feel off kilter. I mean you go on about your life and there is really nothing to be worried about and then right out of left field BAM it hits you! Knocks you down makes you feel off balanced. You have this intense feeling of dread but cannot figure out why. Your mind races and you become so overwhelmed with even the simplest of things all you want to do hide in your bed and sleep this uneasy feeling away. You don't feel fit for human company. And the guilt you feel about pushing everyone away is unbearable. You make yourself get up out of bed and do the things you need to do all the time suffering in silence. People think you are strong but really you are weak and just struggling to keep it all together. You try your hardest not to go off the deep end and pray no one finds out your deep dark secret that you are not alright.You hope against hope that you will make it through this episode without getting too crazy. You spend all your energy pretending to be normal to the point where you are exhausted both physically and mentally. You either eat all the time or not at all and guilt engulfs you as those closest to you worry about you. All the while you berate and belittle yourself for not being normal. You curse yourself for not being able to snap out of it. You long for rest but cannot because of your racing mind and you dread the time you have to get up and fake it again. This is what happens to me when my anxiety and depression are in full swing and more times than not they attack me at the same time. That feeling...That feeling of doom can be so scary. I just want to sleep until everything is back on track again. I just want to fade away until I feel normal again. I just do not want to be for a while... I just want peace and calm and rest... |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
