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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Well got some stuff done today. I went into HR and got my w2s printed out. Apparently everyone who was paperless has been having problems with this because the company is changing programs, so that anxiety has been knocked to the ground. Priced test strips and found out with or without insurance I could afford some, also got the oil changed in the Hyundai. All of these things have been running around in my brain causing me massive anxiety. Little things.... Things that are not the end of the world are hard and rough. They should only cause a hiccup in the road of life, but for me they leave giant potholes. This is just an example of things that block me. Whenever anything does not go exactly as it should I start to fret and worry really bad. I should have a better grip on things, and for the big things I do. It's the little things that kill. Wasn't that a Bush song? I wish I could say that I have only been like this since I lost them; but the truth is I have always been like this. These little fears eat me up and in the past they are the exact fears that kept me coming back home to my mom time and again. I spent a good part of my adulthood hiding from little ankle biting fears. I never could get a grip on life issues. Again not big ones, little ones. This never ending feeling of complete doom is always there, just underneath the surface, and it makes me believe that I am hanging on by such a small thread that the least little hiccup will make that thread snap and send me spiraling into an oblivious existence. I always fear that I am one hiccup away from being homeless, penniless, and lifeless. I am one hiccup away from losing everything. It is not exactly paranoia; I have lost everything before and it scared the shit out of me. I do not want to repeat the past, but I am paralyzed to move on. I don't even know if this makes any kind of sense or not, but it is how I feel. And my anxiety is always alert, always there, always nagging me. I think that is why I cannot rest correctly. Maybe that is why I go through massive bouts of insomnia, and then I go for weeks where I cannot wake up. I am either sleeping all the time or not at all. I am always in a fog regardless. Never do I ever really feel awake, I feel mostly drained all the time. I have decided that the diet soda is making me sick to my stomach, so I am trying to wean myself off of it. I don't know if I can quit cold turkey. I am convinced I am addicted to Diet Coke; but I am going to try to stop. I am tired of throwing up, and since I have cut back I do not feel the urge to puke anymore. The only good thing to come form all of this messy stomach thing is I have been losing weight. I suppose it is a good thing that I can file my taxes because all my clothes are too big and there are some I simply cannot keep up anymore. But this is me. I don't know if I could cope with life on an even keel. I have been washing about in these choppy waters for as long as I can remember. I also have this stupid notion that if I did get better I wouldn't be able to write anymore. In a warped sort of way the depression and anxiety are my muses. I do draw a lot from them for my writing. I fear if I get better I won't have anything to write about. I never really tried writing with a clear mind. Have ever really had one? The dreaded fear of the unknown is making an appearance again! Maybe the real reason I am alone is because I don't want anyone to know how truly sick I am. I mean who ever wants to admit that they are a little too close to crazy? Maybe I keep myself in this solitude because it easier than having to disappoint someone with the fact that this is me I don't know how to change, and am not sure I want to anyway. It's not because I enjoy being this fractured, it is because I know of being fractured. And the unknown scares me a lot more than the known does no matter what type of hell I go through. Am I helpless or just hopeless? |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
