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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
Here we are the second day of 2017. It is 4:17 am and as usual I have been up all night. I didn't get out of bed yesterday because of the dreaded hangover. I mixed too many drinks on New Years Eve as a result I did not get out of bed until 6 pm last night. So here I am in the middle of my day. This is not totally unusual. I work nights at a factory, 12 hour shifts. Even without the help of the libations from the night before I still wouldn't have been up before at least 4 in the afternoon. New Years Eve I was just kind of chilling. I had a house guest for Christmas, my nephew Jason. He called begging me to come get him. To say he and his wife have been having problems is an understatement. She left him early last year. Said she didn't want him or the kids, they have four. Then his house guests stole his car, he lets her back in because she has nowhere to go blah blah blah. The long and short of it was he felt the need to kill her so I came and got him. The really bad part was I couldn't bring his kids. I have nowhere to put them. The really really bad thing was almost immediately after I got him he wanted to go home. I couldn't do it till after Christmas, seeing as how this whole visit was financed by yours truly. Anyway I took him back home Friday and got home Saturday morning. I was drained after this little trek. I really wasn't going to drink at all Saturday but my two nieces came over to spend New Years with me. We wound up drinking a fifth of Fireball, several beers and I myself had at least four Sex on the Beach shooters. Why did I do it? I was comatose all day yesterday and the few times I did venture out of bed for the inevitable potty break my head was spinning and I felt the need to vomit. It never happened. Sick sick sick... It was a very emotional night. My oldest niece has cervical cancer and they found an abnormal growth in her uterus, She has to have a complete hysterectomy later this month. This was made all the more emotional because this is what her mother died from. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer seven years ago. She fought it all year and died on Christmas Eve 2009. As you can imagine Christmas is a hard holiday for us, this year being particularly hard because of Margie's (oldest niece) cancer. We all cried, argued, and vented to God. We are all scared. Margie has always been so strong. This has been a very hard year for her. Earlier this year she left her husband. They have 2 kids one is grown with children of their own the other one is a 10 year old boy. Margie not wanting to make her son choose between her and his father let her son live with his dad. She wants him to be happy, but at the same time she is so torn because he is not with her all the time. She tried going back but she does not love her ex anymore, and she felt trapped. She has a lot of guilt about leaving but more guilt about living a lie if she goes back. My heart breaks for her. Oh well, all that was last year. So far this year no new drama. Right now I am watching stupid movies on Netflix waiting for this day to begin. Yeah I know I have been up all night, but I probably will not get to sleep before tonight. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
