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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Okay so this is how I brought in 2018, head stuck in a puke bucket at 10:30 pm new years eve because I mixed too many drinks. I was out cold as of midnight, and spent most of yesterday in bed nursing a hang over. Nature has welcomed the new year with freezing temperatures and icicles hanging inside my storm door. Our home sounds like the inside of a waterfall because we have to keep the water lines running to prevent frozen and burst pipes; So every faucet I have is turned on and running a small stream of water, which I am sure will wreak a little havoc with next month's water bill, but it is better than a burst pipe. That can happen when temperatures get down below zero as they did last night. I am talking to somebody I met online. He wants to meet which I don't have a problem with, but he lives a couple of hours away, which I do. I am not really leery of going to meet him just cautious because I don't know what to expect. He sounds nice on the phone but that means nothing. Anyway we were talking about tentatively meeting this weekend. So we will see how that goes. Not real sure about this online dating business, but where else besides a bar do you meet someone when you work all night and sleep most of the day? I am tired of being alone and I already let him know that I am not looking for a hook up and he still wants to talk so I suppose that is a good sign. I spent today taking my Christmas decorations down. I think I need therapy because I was in town earlier today, and saw the Valentines decorations up in the stores. I seriously contemplated buying some. This past fall I bought both Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations. I am afraid I may become one of those people who decorates all year round. This isn't a bad thing; My sister Janey liked to decorate her house all year round. I know that part of my compulsion is a way of honoring her memory, but still...Where would I put them once I took them down. My closet is already stuffed. Still I keep thinking of pink and red decorations for Valentines followed by green for St. Patty's Day. I don't know, maybe... I sure do hope my car starts tomorrow. It does not like the cold weather. I have a new battery but the way the temps have been in Kentucky lately, my new battery still freezes. Thinking about new years one always comes to the dreaded resolution phase which we emphatically proclaim but hardly do we ever follow through. My resolution is quite simple this year. I want to get out from under a loan I keep refinancing. It won't take a lot if I use my taxes to help pay the bulk of it off. I truly do not want anything more than that this year. If I can get that loan paid off then I will have a little extra each month and perhaps when the holidays roll around again I won't be quite so broke. Anyway that is what is on my mind this second day of the new year. Hope your new year brings prosperity, health and joy. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
