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Depressed

by Simply_Sandy

Rated: 18+ · Book · Biographical · #2107193

A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday...

Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that.

Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to.

I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close.

I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway.
Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me.

As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America.

I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids.

I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers.

So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea.

So here it is. My blog, Depressed.

Show Recent Comments

7 Most Recent Blog Comments:

Kit_Carmelite

Oct 10, 2019 at 11:05pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I don’t struggle with either anxiety or depression but I know some who do. None of them ever expressed the impact of it as graphically and as powerfully as you do. I especially like how you describe the sudden onset of it; it kind of reminds me of a terrorist attack. I totally get how you hope that if you eat enough, you can stuff the uncomfortable feelings far enough down that they’ll vanish. Well done!

Kit_Carmelite

Oct 10, 2019 at 11:05pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Alexi

Apr 17, 2017 at 8:19am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hanging out with the grandchildren is the best therepy, we become children again.

1 Like

Alexi

Apr 10, 2017 at 8:49am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

50 Five0 Fifty er... well that is the age when your moodometer will swing like a pendulum. Take it from me I was late fortiea when I went through the change. After fifty I suddenly became normal again. Phew! My family ducked every time I raised my hand thinking I might swipe them.

The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me.

Now, I am calm, wiser, councilor, and able to give advice to younger women. Take it from me, it will get better, but then there is the hot swets, but I wont go into that.

Men are so lucky aren't they Charie.

1 Like

Simply_Sandy

Feb 9, 2017 at 10:47am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Thank you for words of encouragement.The worst part of depression is isolation. I have plenty of family and friends that love me but that still does not quell the feelings of isolation and loneliness when it hits. I will fight the good fight and I will be victorious. The sun comes out everyday whether we see it or not.

Thank you again for stopping by and come back anytime.

Sandy

Simply_Sandy

Feb 9, 2017 at 10:16am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I am Sorry I haven't checked these messages in a while but yes it was nice to see someone was reading my blog. I understand perfectly about the not so exciting days of winter. I live in Kentucky and this year it seems that we either are freezing or it is warm and rainy which leads to many of us suffering with allergies, sinus infections and colds. Even as I write this I am sitting here coughing my head off! Damn post nasal drip!

I too love the ocean and miss it terribly. I am from Florida and I suppose took it for granted that the nearest beach was just over an hour away. I used to go to the beach all the time during summer, but I haven't lived in Florida since my mother died 7 years ago. While I have enjoyed the different places I have lived, Tennessee, Texas and Kentucky, I still miss Florida. I am sure one of these years I will make it back there, I just don't think I could live there again. Too many memories come pouring through the walls and haunt me. Good ones!

Yes, there is something cathartic and peaceful about the ocean. The noise of the water kissing the coastal sand inspired my oldest sister to comment the last time the three of us went to the beach together, "This must be the sound of God laughing."

I suppose it may seem a little weird to write a blog about my depression, but as I stated in the intro I have been in a lifelong relationship with it. I know it intimately whether I want to or not. I have good days and bad days but I hope if anybody gets anything out of it it is that there is hope. Yes it its overwhelming and scary but the sun does eventually shine. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy on this subject. Sometimes it is easier to submit than to fight it. Sometimes I am just to drained to carry on. And if I were to be completely truthful, if it weren't for my daughter and granddaughter might have checked out a long time ago. I don't think about suicide, I just think of peace... Peace of mind body and soul. I think of wholeness and of a painless existence. I fear that had I not had them in my life there may have come a point where I did entertain such thoughts.The only way I know how to be is transparent, meaning I don't try to hide it I just try to get through it.

Oh well I have prattled on long enough. Your encouragement is appreciated and your prayers are needed and I thank you for reaching out.

Stop by again anytime

From one writer to another.

Sandy

Alexi

Jan 27, 2017 at 3:02pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Just want to say hi hun and that sometimes life just gets a bit dull at times especially in the cold winter months, I think it might be the lack of sunshine. We have that to look forward to. I am from England and a retired post office clerk and you know I sometimes think that being at work for a few hours might be nice, then I wake up and thank God I have my pension to support me.
I love going for walks even in the cold and I love being near the sea, there is something about the ocean that hypnotises my imagination and as I listen to the smash of the waves against the rocks. Imagination can take me wherever I want to go and it can be a wonderful journey. I like to read about real people and their life adventures.

My husband of forty years died when I was in my fifties and I miss my man to this day. He was a blanket around my soul. I have found T my dear friend and partner who looks out to my needs and I to him, I have a lovely family and we look out to each other. My grandchildren are of varying ages and make me feel warm and loved.

Writing is good for the soul and helps paint a picture of our days or sometimes we can just imagine a different story, make one up and act it out. That's the beauty of getting past the cold days and nights and bringing warmth into the forefront. This week I have been for three walks even after putting my back out on Monday, it really hurts but I am a survivor. I did a big wash after changing the bed and towels. It's a nice feeling getting between clean sheets.
I have made my second pan of soup this week using up all the veg I pick up at the supermarket.
Why am I telling you all this? I don't know I just thought it would be nice to answer your blog and let you know that there is someone reading it.
Buy the way, you have lovely eyes and I can see hope in them.

I hope your nephews get the break they long for and help you with your life. It will be nice to be free of payments and dept and I hope you can look to better tomorrows.

Thinking and praying for you and yours for better tomorrows.

From one writer to another.

Alexi

1 Like

December 10, 2017 at 6:30pm

#925150

STICKY KEYS ARE NEEDED WHY?

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF STICKY KEYS???Accidentally turned them on went off like a fire cracker. Why in the fuck do you need a sticky key feature on your laptop? It is a stupid feature. Cannot deal with stupidity; Quota is filled up! BILL GATES YOUR OS SYSTEMS SUCK!!!!!GET RID OF THIS FEATURE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND USES IT!!!!!

Like • Comment

December 10, 2017 at 12:01am

#925126

Trying to Keep a Merry Christmas.

Okay enough with the lamenting about death and holidays and the ranting over being dumped via text. In the midst of my angst I feel as though all the griping and complaining is just making my depression worse, so against every fiber in my being telling me to curl up into a ball until the holidays have passed, I am going to try something different this year. I am going to embrace Christmas and do my best to get into the spirit. I am not going to let my anxiety keep me paralyzed and my depression keep me comatose. I am going to make a Merry Christmas if it kills me, and I will not surrender to the ever present gray swirl of melancholia.

I have been in mourning for the past nine years over Christmas and I am tired. Since my life is still on going I need to step up and out and take participation in it. I sat in my car the other morning as I returned home from work and cried for an hour wondering why and how and what...I can't do anything about them all being gone. And I can't go on in this limbo somewhere between life and death while still taking very real very tangible breaths. I am tired. I am exhausted and I am not ready, despite my depression trying so hard to drag me completely under, to quit living. In fact I really want to start living again. I want to feel again I want to enjoy my life again without survivor's guilt or deep debilitating grief.

So right now I am going to log off of WDC and go watch Netflix with my daughter. It's a start.

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© Copyright 2018 Simply_Sandy (UN: mysticalprose at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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