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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
My blood was itchy so I haunted the geometric stairwell all night, vertigo pirouetted me at every level up up up down down I could only picture you standing in front of stained glass, abstract, a silhouette; you had problems of your own. Dust collected on your skin, a fingertip dragged through, you breathed a cloud on the free edge, body contorted, your bones grew until they couldn't fit inside. |
Well, I'm writing again, I suppose.  Cinn  and I said we were going to try to write 5 poems in a row and we did. Here are mine:"Invalid Entry"  "Invalid Entry" "Invalid Entry" "Invalid Entry" "Invalid Entry" Not sure how I feel about any of them, although the last one is probably my favorite of the bunch which may not be saying much. You can check out Ky's too in her poetry blog - "Invalid Item" .Honestly, I can't get over how different the site feels coming back to it after six months. I mean I'd noticed activity declining for a while before that, but it seems like there's a very big lull right now. I'm going to try reviewing more because I'm hoping I'm just missing the active people because a lot of my old friends aren't super active here anymore. But right now it seems, um, dead? Also, I have fucking bronchitis now. I've been sick literally since the 3rd week of January. The doctor was like yeah, it's viral, nothing we can do. I went back this week and he said it's probably bacterial now and gave me an antibiotic.  I had so many plans this weekend. I was going to visit family today because one of the kids is having a birthday party and then I had lunch plans with Logan and our friends tomorrow. Can't really do that because, even though there's no way I'm still contagious, it's too awkward to be out in public when you're hacking up a long... especially post covid. Instead we had our friends over for lunch today and he made some mediterranean pasta thing. I haven't been able to get my appetite back since I got sick. For a while I was pretty much just eating ice cream.  Which is how you know I'm really sick because it's the only time I would touch ice cream willingly.I'm not sure if I want to keep pushing through with new poems or if I want to spend some time reviewing and maybe editing some of my old stuff. It is nice to be writing in some capacity again though. I'd like to help get "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" back up and running. I think it's doable; we'd need like 5 people onboard for judging. I'm just also not sure how active the site is in general right now so I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time either, my own included.Where are y'all most active on the site right now? |
| I’ve cleaned up my portfolio for the first time in years. Or more accurately I just moved all my old shit into an old shit folder and created a couple folders for any new writing. They're totally empty. Hopefully I’ll be able to actually put the folders to use at some point. Other than journaling, I haven’t written anything new in quite literally years so… Anyway, in my last entry I promised a more personal life update so here we are. If you read my few entries last year you know I was having a lot of issues with cognitive functioning, dissociation, etc. last summer before I went on hiatus for a while. I’m still having a fair amount of that, but I’ve found some things that have helped so I’m not longer wondering if I’m making sense or not. I don’t need to reread my writing several times before sending it off with fingers crossed that my message is coming across coherently. So that’s a big improvement over last year. For a closer look at some of things I’ve identified/things that have helped me: Migraines. A big part of this was me understanding/accepting that having migraines is a major trigger for slowing down cognitively. So when I’m in a bad episode of migraines, you know, having them every day or nearly ever day for weeks, I’m just not going to feel like I’m functioning at 100%. Words aren’t going to come to me as easily or naturally. I might need to read something a couple times to wrap my head around it. While I always knew this to be the case, it has taken some time for me to stop getting frustrated and anxious in those moments because my brain wants to tell itself that there must be something <I>more</I> going on. After meeting with many doctors and getting testing done, I understand that these things are a normal part of having chronic migraines and I need to just mitigate the effects the best I can and also to give myself a little bit of slack when needed. The news cycle. I’ve stopped intaking news outside of international news. I don’t hang around on social media sites where people are discussing inaccurate or half truth headlines without bothering to read the accompanying article. The only news I read now comes from the Associated Press, Reuters, or BBC. I specifically only have notifications on for world news events, so if something major happens in the U.S. I will see it; but I won’t be inundated with endless U.S. political infighting stories that are completely irrelevant. I think this has done wonders for helping my brain not get bogged down in the mindless minutia of daily life in the U.S. right now. I really don’t care who said what about who and I have a better understanding of world politics and economies now which will serve me better in the long run. Socializing. Like most people I think, during covid I got a lot more isolated. I’ve been working from home since March of 2020. Bars and restaurants were closed here for a good while at a time where my social group had just recently graduated college so naturally my friend groups grew apart during that time. One thing that has helped me keep grounded or “reconnect” myself in the past few months is going on day trips. Nowhere super far, but if I have a day off we’ll go somewhere and just hang out for a while, grab lunch and walk around or whatever. I think it’s good after being inside at a desk all week to get away from electronics and just change your environment for a while. It has helped me out of some of dissociative episodes anyway. Other than that, I got a work promotion at the start of the year to a senior level position so that was cool. The raise at least helps me keep above inflation which isn’t the easiest thing to do right now as we’re all aware I’m sure. I’ve settled well into the role and I’m comfortable for the most part at my job at the moment. I don’t work super long hours and I never work weekends unlike my previous job. We’re getting over being sick. We got some kind of virus a few weeks ago that really took us out. I’m mostly down to just a bit of congestion and a shitload of coughing now so big improvement on that front. I actually went to the doctor last week and they were like, yeah, there’s nothing we can do for a virus so it doesn’t even really matter which one it is. They still did a rapid test for flu, strep, and covid. All of those were negative, but I’d been sick for a decent amount of time before even testing so who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I actually had a fever dream while sick where I actually wrote a poem. Of course I was too ill to write it down at the time and I ended up forgetting it, but the point is that if my sick subconscious can come up with a poem there’s something left inside of me that can still write. I just have to tap into it. Anyway, what’s everyone been up to? Any fun activities or anything I should check out on the site? |
| Knock, knock. It's meeee. Six months hiatus seems like about enough, I suppose. I don't know. WDC is difficult for me, man. Like, I've been here on and off for 9 years now... which is wild, by the way. I'm pretty much never even remotely consistently a part of anything for that long. But it feels weird to be here now. When I wrote here a lot, I was incredibly vulnerable and open about pretty much everything I was doing and everything I felt. I was in my early 20s when I joined the site and I was still working through or coming to terms with a lot of things from my past. I wrote a lot about my personal experiences, and I don't regret that because I met so many cool people here who I felt genuinely comfortable with. So you know, through my writing and through the years I met a lot of people who I talked with privately- both onsite and offsite. There were a lot of people I talked to pretty much every day or several times a week at the very least. A lot of them for literally years. Coming back into WDC now feels kind of like walking into a room full of your exes. Not romantically, obviously. But there are a lot of people here who I was at one time super close to and really divulged kind of every thought to. It's a hazard of never shutting up. Some of those people just hard dropped out of my life rather abruptly. As in, one day we were talking for hours and the next they were just... gone. Just not responsive, not dissimilar from being ghosted. There are others who have mostly left the site at this point or left the site at one point and we didn't keep in touch. Others who have probably naturally grown apart from me because of my own stretches of absence here. Regardless, what I'm saying is that I've struggled for a while with trying to come back to WDC and quickly leaving again. I've not been writing much for years now so part of me is like, oh I should just get rid of the account and move on. Other parts of me know that I would benefit a lot from getting back into the habit of writing, so I should start with reviewing like I did when I first arrived on the site and see where it takes me. It's kind of like is this the ghost of a good thing type of thing, or should I try to just make new friends with whoever is active on the site now? I know people cycle in and out of the site. I just feel uncomfortable in some way having been like an emotional waterfall, knowing that people I used to be close to could still be reading anything that I write. I can't describe it; it's just a weird feeling somehow. Anyway, I owe a thank you to NW who upgraded my account for the next year. I'm planning to give coming back to the site and writing again an honest try. My thought is to start with cleaning up my portfolio and writing some reviews just to feel things out for a while before I even attempt to write for myself again. I hope you're all doing well. Feel free to send a review request if you've written anything that you'd like me to read. I'll update with actual life stuff later.  |
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