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Blog and other works of literary sense |
Size: 883 Entries
Created: November 29th, 2019 at 12:06pm
Modified: March 6th, 2023 at 4:07pm
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Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot.
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August 23, 2022 at 7:06am
August 23, 2022 at 7:06am
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| I took my antidepressant/antianxiety pill this morning. I felt it work,, The dark fears are trying to creep around me. But I still carry on. The morning is lightening the day. Tomorrow I see my doctor. It will be a good visit, I hope. She brings in a therapist to talk to me about how I'm doing. Sometimes the interview is stilted. I promise to be honest with the therapist. |
August 18, 2022 at 8:21am
August 18, 2022 at 8:21am
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I saw a short video on IG about a woman who hurt her neck and the EMTs came to help her. She was in excruciating pain. They managed to put a cuff around her neck and in the ambulance gave her morphine. It looked like it might be curtains for her, but I think she might have survived.
It made me scared, watching the video. |
August 16, 2022 at 8:13am
August 16, 2022 at 8:13am
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| I happened to read one of the newsletters I receive in the email. It talked about growth in poetry. It reminded me of an online class I took with ED2GO. One of our assignments was to write our autobiography but with a twist - and that is, to write the last bit of my life story as a future dream. In those days I was reading about Assisi (I'm a lapsed Franciscan) and how this author lived for a while in Assisi, Italy, writing the book I was reading. So I wrote in my future chapter the time I would retire in Assisi, walking along the neighborhoods where Francis of Assisi lived. Then as a second choice of my future, I wrote about living in England, in one of their picturesque towns, writing books and having a simple house and a garden. It's good to remember these. I'm not living in either place. But maybe God will be kind to me and land me in Assisi or England. |
August 15, 2022 at 8:16am
August 15, 2022 at 8:16am
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When I was in college, I earned money to pay for school at the local hospital as a clerk. I had enough money that I paid for most of my schooling from the jobs that I had. The first job I had was as I said, a clerk. Then when I graduated and went to graduate school, I worked in a blood gas lab. I didn't shop for clothes that were for appearance's sake. They had to be worn to match what everyone else wore at work, or thereabouts. I wore jeans most of the time. I shopped at JCPenney's, the old Blocks store and LS Ayres which became Macy's later. The only time I wore dresses was when I worked in retail at these stores, except for Blocks. Those were lean years for me but I had to look presentable for the customers. Once I took sewing lessons. I've discovered that materials were expensive. Why would I make my own clothes when the department stores had a sale that you could shop for at a much reduced price and I didn't have to lift a finger to sew anything. Oh, I made basic clothes like an elastic waist pair of pants and skirt. I also made a pair of tweed pants that was unfinished because I didn't know how to sew zippers. Those pants were lovely. I would fasten them with a big safety pin and wear a long pullover on top of it.
Those were the days when I had fun. Now that I'm on a fixed income, I can't afford to use money for hobbies. Only on writing do I spend my time. I hope there will be a day when I'll have more income so I can help my Dad with the house. It has its troubles. |
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| The scared feeling is still there this morning. I'm on the third day of my increased dose of antidepressant. I feel better with the new dose of anti-anxiety med. I'm far from recovery but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've learned to ignore the signs of anxiety. But they are looming over me especially when I'm in bed trying to get some sleep. Each little thing I think of turns into worry. I try not to think too much. That's what my late Mother told me. She told me that I think too much. I'll try not to. |
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| I listened to Bill Hemmer on Trey Gowdy's podcast for a little bit. Bill talked about his early life and career as a sportscaster. He revealed that his motivation was part fear of failure and the pursuit of success. I identify with Bill's fears but I don't know that it's about fear of failure. I think my fear is that I'll be left destitute someday. I don't know any of my relatives could house me when I'll be left behind by my Dad. They all have their lives and many of them are in their 70s. |
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| I had my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. He increased my dose of my antidepressant and also increased my dose of my anxiety med. I think it might work better. |
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| Yesterday I was thinking of ways to get help. I remembered we had a relic of Fr John Seelos in the curio cabinet which my late Mother put together with statues of Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary. So I got up and went there to retrieve the relic. My Dad was in the living room then and he asked me what I had in my hand. I told him it was a holy relic of Fr John Seelos that my Mother sent for years ago. When I used it to bless myself the first time, I could feel my soul move. So I blessed my Dad with the relic. I blessed myself with the relic after that. I could tell the scared feelings were blunted. I could still feel the scared feelings but the effect on me was minimal. |
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This post is going to sound like the others, so if you cared you can skip it.
I'm feeling fear for no reason at all but perhaps for the future life I have to look forward to. My Dad is 93 and he won't be with me long. He's still active but he rests more than he does stuff. I have to take his BP every day to make sure it stays normal. His doctor gave him an increased dose of his BP med. Not only that, my Dad gets bruises on his arm and the last time it happened it was scary. It happened on Independence Day late afternoon. His arm was bruised from upper to mid forearm. And it looked like there was an excess of blood in his skin because it sagged with the weight of the blood. I searched online for treatments to bruises and I found it. So he had this bruise healing it took almost three weeks.
You can see why I suffer from anxiety disorder. I worry about the future and without Dad in it. I need your prayers to get through this phase in my life. |
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| I have a variety of dreams that have come to me in my sleeping hours. One thing I remember is that not only the place and setting of the dreams that recur but the people in it figure always in these dreams. I used to work in a bacteriology lab and so I have dreams about that. And I used to be in several labs doing research. These dreams have thinned out some in my sleep world. But the people in my past still appear. They aren't ominous people but I know they're not friends of mine. |
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