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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| What do you do on your darkest days? Friday, I rushed home from work to make it home in time to make dinner and prepare the house for Shabbat. As I got out of my car, I smelled something burning. There was little streams of smoke coming out from under my car like something was dripping onto a hot surface and burning away. That meant I couldn't go to shul on Saturday. My daughter D was staying with me for the week and was going to experience her first Shabbat with me, so I ignored my car, rushed into the house, and prepared for Shabbat. She had no idea what had just happened. Like a child, she watched my every move. She asked questions to make sure she understood what was happening. She listened when I explained to her what I was going to do, why I was going to do it, and what I needed her to do since she was staying the night. It was a wonderful dinner and a wonderful night. Saturday morning my alarm went off at 5am. I wanted to go back to sleep, but thoughts of my car and what I was going to miss that day kept running through my head. I cried. I cried because of what I was going to miss that day and who I was going to miss. What I say to Hashem every Saturday before I leave shul for the 3 hour drive home ran through my mind. "As long as I am able to come and worship you here and experience this, I will thank you. Thank you Hashem for every moment of this day." I cried again. My car will get fixed eventually. I know that. It's just a car. My heart didn't ache for my car. My heart ached for the shul to pray in and the people I pray with. It is my favorite part of every week. At the time I normally leave, I looked out into the darkness. I thought about what I'd be seeing as I drove, how I'd be dreading the 3 hour drive but anxious to get there, because there was no where else I'd rather be. By the light of my bedside lamp, I cried. I watched the sun rise out of my bedroom window and I cried. When I knew that service would have started, I stopped crying. I laid and stared out the window for a little while. "I need to get up and pray," I thought. "I might not be there with them, but I can still pray with them." As I pictured the shul in my mind and pictured myself there with them, I thanked Hashem. "I'm going to thank you anyway, G-d," I said. "Even if you don't let me go this week, thank you for being able to worship you anyway. Thank you for all of the times that I have gotten to go and will get to go in the future." I got up and got dressed as if I was going to shul. I did my hair as if I was going to shul. Then, I prayed. As I prayed through the morning service, I pictured what was happening during shul and smiled. I could feel the atmosphere of the shul even though I wasn't there. I could see the smiles of the faces of my friends. I focused on the words of the prayers more than I normally did at shul and stopped to say, "That's beautiful, L-rd," or "You are a great G-d." I ate a little lunch and a wave of sadness came over me. I laid down and I cried and I slept. I got up to tell my daughter D goodbye and give a little love to her husband T. After they left, I cried again and slept some more. When I awoke, I got up and read Tehillim. I prepared for Havdalah and almost started when my youngest daughter A2 came home. We talked for some time (with me standing in the kitchen in front of my Havdalah things). With raised spirits, I did Havdalah. A2 and I talked some more as I sat in front of my Tehillim. As my daughter went up to her room, I stared out into the darkness and talked with G-d. I don't know if you ever sit there and talk to G-d, but I do all the time. Weekday mode of "I NEED TO GET THINGS DONE" closed in on me and my sadness turned into motivation. As I talked, I thought about what I could possibly do about my situation that I haven't already done. I felt a nagging that I already knew the answer. After 25 hours of not creating anything (other than red eyes), I knew I had to create something. So I did. I created a few things. Then I set up an Etsy store to sell them. I stayed up until after 2am Sunday morning working on creating and setting up a store. I started the day with a saddened spirit and ended it with a new business. I read a post that said that G-d is ready to give blessings. He only needs a vessel prepared to send them down. I don't know if my store will ever be anything much. I do know that whatever I am going through, the good moments and the tough ones, that G-d is always there with me, and I'm thankful. It will be a couple of weeks before I make it back to shul. My heart aches at that thought, but my emunah (faith) is still stronger than it ever has been. Whether I'm shouting from the mountain top or crawling in the valley, I will trust you L-rd and thank you and praise you. Because you are good. Always. My new store https://jjsimcha.etsy.com |
| I remember learning about the month of Elul this past year - 2023. This is the month of repentance and turning back to G-d. It was during that time in 2022 that I felt the presence of G-d close, so I cried out to him. I asked to know him better, to follow him closer, to know his statutes and decrees (and the difference between the two), and to worship him the way he wanted me to. At the time of my calling on G-d, I knew nothing of Elul. I knew nothing of Rosh Hashanah. I only knew that G-d was closer than I had ever felt him before, and I needed him to tell me what to do next to grow my relationship with him because that is all that I wanted. This week has reminded me repeatedly of that night and the decision it led to. It has also reminded me of what I said no to so I could travel this path. That daily reminder this week has left me frustrated all week. Though I know my decision was correct, and I don't regret starting my conversion instead, I couldn't shake the nagging reminder of what could have been. I was greatly discouraged until today when I heard a message about this week's Torah portion. This week's Torah portion is Beshalach. It is the part of the Exodus that the Egyptian army was coming after the Hebrews that they had just let leave. The Hebrews were wanting to pray, go back to Egypt, throw themselves into the water to die by drowning rather than the Egyptians, or fight. The Rabbi Who Glows said that there are times that none of these are appropriate. There is a time to just keep going. You don't need to pray about it, because G-d is already fighting the battle for you. Don't look back to Egypt (or your past). Don't fight what is happening. Don't give up. Keep going. This is another Rabbi (I don't know him) telling the story. https://youtu.be/BOUmnmTsEZQ?si=DYrQiAZsysRACUwG I need to stop looking back. I need to stop focusing on my Egypt and my troubles and my fears, and instead, keep going and let G-d part my sea. He put me on this path already (I have no doubts about that because this path is not for everyone), so he will provide. I need to keep going and let him. I need to stop looking back. I need to stop focusing on my obstacles and let G-d make a way when I can't. |
| Lashon Hara is negative talk about someone. It includes gossip, which I have been dealing with at work for two years now. I'm sorry to my friend that these rumors are centered around. Why is this significant to my conversion? One word: Shabbat. One thing I love about Shabbat is that I don't have to deal with rumors. The ladies (and gentlemen) I get to see every week don't spend Shabbat gossiping. They share inspiring stories, pray together and for one another. They do everything they can to lift one another up and spread joy. At lunch today we talked about hanging around people that you want to emulate. Though lashon hara was not the topic of conversation (not even close) it still fits. If we want to gossip, we hang around people who gossip. If we want to be happy, we hang around people who make us happy. I love to pray, to worship G-d, and to do things to make others happy. On Shabbat that is the type of people I get to hand around. People who love to pray. People who worship G-d. People who go out of their way (I've seen many times and feel so blessed to be able to witness this) to make others feel happy. I am blessed every Shabbat with a story of encouragement, an example of faith in action, warm smiles, and real holiness. While I could go on about how wonderful these people are, I'll instead give examples of new habits that I have formed because of these people opening up their homes, their lives, and their hearts to me. 1. The moment I am conscious in the morning, I thank G-d. 2. I wash my hands when I get up. 3. I use the bathroom and thank G-d for the ability to use the bathroom. 4. I say my morning blessings, the Shema, and the Amidah before starting the day. 5. I pray the Wayfarer's Prayer as I leave town for work and every weekend when I go to shul. 6. I listen to music that blesses, thanks, and praises G-d on my way to work as well as throughout the day (though I did this before all this - just now it is in Hebrew). 7. I say a blessing before eating anything (even a peanut). 8. I say a blessing after eating (even after a snack). 9. If work is stressful, I say Tehillim during lunch. Regardless, I say it every day. 10. I listen to Hebrew videos while grading papers. 11. I pray in the afternoon and evening every chance I get. 12. I give of my time, money, and resources knowing (now) that I am not the only one doing this and it is normal and encouraged. 13. I say Kiddush and Havdalah. 14. I bake Challah (and share it!). 15. I light candles and say a blessing. 16. I drive to shul (though I would rather live there already and not have to drive). 17. I eat kosher and have even separated meat and dairy in my fridge and freezer (though I still don't have a kosher kitchen. How could I?). 18. I say a bedtime prayer (which I have always done). 19. I study - a lot! (not only Hebrew). 20. I study the Tanach with a study group Though some of this I was already doing, it has been so helpful to see others practice as well. On Shabbat, I get to focus on what others do, or what they don't do. I get to focus on their traditions and routines, their family bonds, their stories, their humor, their wisdom. Then I have hours that I get to process what I've seen and heard and talk with G-d about it and about my future or just thank him for allowing me to have those experiences. This season in my life is very hard. I understand why Judaism is not for everyone and G-d has to want a person converted for it to occur. Conversion is hard. On Shabbat though, it isn't. Nothing (except the six hours of driving and leaving everyone behind when I come home) is hard on Shabbat. It's only been five months since I have attending shul and less than that since I started becoming part of the community there. Some friends it feels like I have known for years and others, I still don't remember their names. Every day that I get to go to shul and pray, hear the Torah being read, and hear a message, I thank G-d that I was able to have that experience with him. On days that I don't make it (twice in the past five months), I tell him how much I missed it and how much I wish I could have been there. Some days the world is cruel and people are cruel. Some days I am exhausted from work. Some days my brain feels like jelly and I am overwhelmed with learning and what I still need to learn. Some days the world is just too much. Then there is Shabbat. Thank you G-d for Shabbat. |
| I was downstate earlier this weekend than normal. For a few minutes, I focused on the mass amounts of traffic, the full parking lots, the ongoing construction (IN JANUARY!), and the millions of stop lights. It became overwhelming for a moment. I missed the trees, the open air and the sounds of animals over cars. I thought, "Is this where you really want me G-d?" The moment that thought came out of my mouth, my thoughts changed to my shul, my observance, the people I've met and have yet to meet, and how much I have already grown closer to G-d in only the past year. I said aloud - thankfully no one could hear me over the traffic and I was just a crazy person walking on the side of the road talking to herself - "I know you do, and I trust you L-rd." And I meant it. It was one year ago almost to the date that I had started learning Hebrew (on my own at this point) and really diving into what it took to convert and what it meant to be a Jew. I celebrated this lone journey in the most amazing way! I stopped at the Jewish part of town where all of the Jewish stores are located. I parked by a Jewish bookstore, walked across a couple of parking lots, and went into my first Dunkin Doughnuts. I got a dozen doughnuts for my daughter, her boyfriend, and her roommate. There were two boys in there wearing kippahs. That was the first time outside of my small circle at shul that I have seen anyone wear kippahs. It was an exciting feeling, and the events that followed made that excitement grow. I walked back across the parking lots and entered the Jewish bookstore. It was a bit cramped for the space, but the moment I walked in, my heart was full of joy. I recognized a lot of the items from homes that I had either eaten lunch or dinner at: the challah covers, the challah boards, the kiddush sets, Shabbat lamps, etc. My next trip is going to be to buy a Shabbat lamp. This time I bought the book set "The Book of Our Heritage: The Jewish Year and Its Days of Significance" by Eliyahu Kitov. It is a 3 volume set that I was able to look through at a friend's house and have wanted since. It was a bit more expensive than if I had bought it online, but I'm sure the bookstore owner's rent is expensive for the area. Though I have heard that Moses spoke for 30 days before his passing, it didn't stick until I opened the book and read it. The book was in excellent condition, but it had obviously been read before, because there were lip prints on it that were not mine. I did wipe them off a bit because it is a weird thought to think that I will be kissing the book that someone else's lips (not knowing whose) touched. The bookstore clerk (owner?) joked that I would be quizzed over Shevat (the month we are currently in) next week. I just laughed and said, "ok." There was a kosher bakery and pizza place right in the same complex, but I didn't stop at either of them (I had doughnuts!). Instead, I drove across the street (a very busy one) to the kosher grocery store. It was the first time I had ever walked into a kosher grocery store. I felt very much in the way as people rushed around buying their last minute supplies for the incoming storm and the start of Shabbat. Even though I felt in the way, I felt at home. I wanted to look at everything and tried to take as much time as possible. They had everything you ever wanted to be kosher - like chicken nuggets! I picked up some dry goods and supplies for the weekend since I there was a possibility to getting snowed in (which I was). I left other things I really wanted (like the chicken nuggets) for one of the special perks to look forward to when I moved there (and I really didn't have a place to keep it for the entire weekend or think it would make a three hour trip home so why get addicted now?). I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes wishing I had a laptop with me and could write right then. I felt so at home instead of feeling out of place, which I expected to feel. I then saw someone from my shul in the parking lot as I was pulling away. I think out of everything, that was the most exciting part of the entire experience. In that huge city with hundreds of cars streaming past and strangers everywhere, I knew someone. Someone nice. Someone I wanted to know. Someone who I have danced with and eaten with and prayed with. She smiled and waved to me (as I did to her), and I pulled out. The traffic jam followed shortly after the shopping trip as I was driving to my daughter's house. I prayed my car would not overheat in the traffic jam. I turned on my YouTube playlist and began rocking out to Beri Weber, Mordechai Shapiro, and Avraham Fried becoming that crazy lady in the traffic jam that everyone tries not to stare at but wants to know what they are listening to at the same time. I made it to my daughter's. Got snowed in and missed shul. One year ago, I sat in this same apartment by myself (my daughter probably here and hiding in her room as a normal teenager) learning the Alef Bet and Googling Jewish words and holidays like crazy not knowing what I was doing or where it would lead. Here I am one year later. I have an amazing Hebrew tutor that has taught me not only the Alef Bet (which I still did not have down months later), but also to speak in Hebrew, have conversations (very short ones at this point) in Hebrew, and read Hebrew (even if I don't know what all the words mean yet)! I have a community that I have become a part of (though I never expected it) and friends I have gained (and love very much because they are the most amazing people). I have a place to pray. I have classes that I get to attend with various Rabbis (American Rabbi, the Rabbi that glows, the main Rabbi, online Rabbis, etc.) for guidance in living an orthodox life as well as growing closer to G-d. I eat kosher and know what that means (Google is not as helpful as real humans). I've learned a small amount of Jewish recipes, follow Jewish cooks, bake challah, make matzah ball soup, and eat meat only on weekends. I pray in the morning, in the afternoon (sometimes), and in the evening. I say a blessing before I eat (which I've always done) and after I eat (though still working on this habit since I get distracted too easy). And I have openly come out as converting (to my friends and family - a few supportive, most not). My email inbox has gone through this transformation with me. I am not the same person I was a year ago, and I never want to go back. Thank you Hashem for this entire weekend, for the safety in travel, for the firsts I experienced, for the community that has welcomed me, and for changing my life and brining me closer to you. I love you. |
I told my boss today that I applied for other jobs and plan on leaving at the end of the school year. He cried and said that he would need to break the news to the school before the end of the year to give them time to mourn also. My heart is breaking.  Hashem, my trust is in you. You're leading. I'm following. |
| I hate writing cover letters. I hate filling out applications. It has literally taken days to fill out this 29 section application for a few county school positions (one application for the entire county). I submitted that today along with another application for a community college. I am hoping between the two (or just one), that I will earn enough to not have to stress about making rent and utility and student loan payments. Why is this information relevant to my conversion? Because the only reason that I am getting a new job is because I need to move within walking distance of my shul. My conversion is the reason I have spent days doing paperwork, finding addresses, and updating my resume and references. Once I have a job secured, I will secure an apartment. I still have a few months before I need to worry about moving (about 8 at the most), so I am trusting that Hashem will provide when it is the right time. I spent all day Sunday creating a table (in order of the alef bet - alphabet) of all of the words I know in Hebrew. There are well over 400 words but only one form of each word is on the table. I know multiple forms of many of the words, masculine and feminine and plural. I was so into creating my table that I missed a Hebrew lesson. GZ messaged me to see if I was okay because I never miss. He then reminded me of some words that I forgot to add. I will be adding those tonight. Though I wish sometimes that I can just focus on one thing during this conversion, I know I can't. I get little bits and pieces of things done and things learned and do my best to apply them right away. It takes time and different aspects of my life require me to move at different paces. I'm sure this is true of everyone that converts. Either that or is just the way my brain works. I'm learning to trust G-d at a new level, and it's hard. Nothing about this journey has been easy. I've given up time that I spent on things that I loved doing, like writing poems and stories, to write cover letters and submit applications. I study all the time and there is always so much more to study. I have a large selection of new books and a large number waiting in my Amazon cart to be purchased. I'm not complaining (well except about writing cover letters). I wish I had more time to focus on learning and studying, but I know that is the impatient side of me trying to peek through. I need to work, not only to pay my bills, but because I have a purpose there. Though I know my purpose there is coming to an end (or else I wouldn't be forced to write cover letters), I know I am giving up an amazing job. Though my sense of loss is eradicated one day a week (when I am at shul and Tehillim), I feel it the other six. I did not enter this conversion process lightly. It took years to come to this decision. I do not have any doubts even now about this decision (even after being forced to write cover letters). I will be telling my boss tomorrow that I am submitting applications elsewhere (because I did use him as a reference). Like I said, I am trusting G-d on a new level, and it's hard. I love you my king. |
| It has been a week since I have written. I did go to shul last Saturday and attended Tehillim. As a person who overthinks things, I had some things to think through. A wise person told me that when I start to overthink, instead, I should think about the why behind what I am overthinking. This was a great help this week as I was able to look at a situation from a different angle because I understood why it was constantly going through my mind. I was asked this week, not why I want to become a Jew, but rather (and a much better question in my opinion), what I love about Judaism. I have mentioned things these past few months (hard to believe that it has been 7 months already that I have been chronicling my experience). I know that I have mentioned Jewish wisdom and the fact that I started studying Hebrew earlier than I had planned because of wanting to read a book written in Hebrew that was full of Jewish wisdom. The paragraph above is a small example of why I love Jewish wisdom. I'm reading a book (why I haven't written all week - too busy reading) In Good Hands Bitachon: Trusting in G-d 100 Letters and talks of the Lubavitcher Rebbe by Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson. The book is available for free to read on Chabad.org if you are interested. Just type in the title and the word Chabad and it should come up. There are so many sentences in this book that I could quote. Hashem worked for a long time on my patience (which was not fun). Now, I know that he is working on my trust, and like always, he is being very blunt about it. This is not at all surprising to me. After all, he knows that I don't take hints. It has been several posts that I voiced my concerns about moving due to financial worries and employment. I had a friend ask me if I had heard anything yet about a job, and my reply was, "No." She excitedly said, "Good, that means you might have to stay a while longer." Panic began to set in. "I don't want to stay. I have to go" is what I thought at first. I thought about how unhappy I would be if I had to stay and had to wait another year or even months to move. It was hours later that I read one of the Rebbe's letters in the book and it changed my view. I've been stressed about moving away from my job because I love my job. I didn't want to leave the community I serve. I struggled with that thought and cried and asked G-d why he would want to uproot my life. Why couldn't I stay and serve him? Fast forward to tonight. What I read wasn't anything new. I had heard it before. I knew it to be true. However, a peace settled over me that has been missing and I see how G-d has changed my thoughts and my heart in such a short amount of time. I want to move. I want to be a part of that community. I want to live within walking distance of my shul. I want to live an Orthodox Jewish life of observance. I love that the first thing I think about the moment that I am conscious is G-d. I get to thank him immediately. Every move I make though out the entire day centers around him. The morning prayers, the Shema, the bruchas, the after meal blessing, the washing of my hands when I wake and before I eat bread, every bite of food I take, the books I read, the prayers I pray, reading Tehillim, studying my Hebrew, praying at bedtime, learning new things each day and new observances, all the reasons why we observe the way we do, etc. I know what life is like before this conversion, and I don't want to go back. Ever. I love living my life with the focus on G-d and I know that moving will help me do that even more than I new now. It will take me to that next level. I have no doubt that G-d already has things set up for me for when he says it is the right time. I have no doubt that he called me to do this and lit the flame in soul so I would accept his timing. I can't imagine what tomorrow has in store for me, but I know one thing for sure. G-d will be there already, because he goes before me and behind me and with me. Thank you Hashem for your peace. Even in uncertain times. I love you. |
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