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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I went to shul for the first time in three weeks. All I can say is that it was pure joy. I missed my friends and my community. They seemed to miss me too. There's just something about praying in the synagogue that fills a part of my soul with joy. The people sometimes fade away and all I see is the prayer in front of me and hear the cantor chanting and the hums of the men behind the wall. Then, for a moment, it is just me and G-d. Then all the other people come back into view and I feel at home in my spirit and in my body. There is no place I would rather be on Shabbat than in shul. The Rabbi who glows gave the message. I always had though that the part of the Torah (when I had read it previously) about the specifics of the building of the temple was boring. I didn't understand all of the details and had no one who could explain it in a way that I understood. I never understood what I was supposed to learn or apply to my own life when I read about the specs. I know that I keep saying that I love Judaism, but I do even more with each day that passes. There were so many things that I learned from a passage that I once thought was mundane and didn't apply to me. I, of course, was wrong. The windows of the inner sanctuary were backwards. They were not made for the light to reflect inward, but rather the light was to reflect outward. Because the Jewish people are to be a light to the world, the windows were made so that the light could shine outward to the world. We know that the temple was destroyed by the Romans. The lessons of the temple still apply today. We are to shine the light of G-d out to the world. He talked about the three pillars of Judaism (Torah, prayer, and tzedakah). As long as the three pillars of Judaism were present, G-d promised to dwell in "those places". We know that the temple was destroyed, but if the synagogue still has the three pillars. Not only should the synagogue have the pillars, but every room in our homes should as well and G-d will dwell in our homes and our light can shine out of our homes to the world. He, of course, said it so much better. I ended my Shabbat at my dad's house. I was drilled about my beliefs, but I think for the first time, I was confident in answering every question he threw at me and countered his snide remarks with facts that he could not argue with. He drilled me with questions and my aunt drilled me with questions. I don't think the day will come that I don't get questioned, but I am getting more confident in answering the questions and standing up for my beliefs when challenged. Thank you Hashem for this entire weekend. |
| Today was a snow day at work, so I had the entire day to spend however I pleased. I spent the day studying Torah. I attended a couple of classes with the Rabbi who glows, a Tanya class with Rabbi F from Canada who is associated with the JLI (Jewish Learning Institute), and watched many videos with Rabbi P-T. I joined The Ark program that is based in Florida. Rabbi P-T teaches a Torah class every day. The Ark is a program that discusses Torah and Jewish wisdom. It is a surprisingly well presented program for only $18 a month. Over a year ago, what I have learned so far would have been all new thought. I love the way the Rabbi explains things that I already know, so I don't feel like like any time spent watching the videos is wasted time. Most of the videos are between 20 and 40 minutes. The first unit was on describing G-d. I am on the second unit which talks about man and his purpose. There are a total of 97 units with the largest unit (Unit 2) having 18 videos and the shortest unit having 1 video (unit 97 which I am sure he is still creating the videos for). I can be busy for a very long time and have no worries about running out of Torah to study. I love Jewish wisdom and this program is an endless supply. I love Torah learning. I need days like today to focus on Torah and grow my own relationship with the creator so I can spread the joy, light, and love that I try to give every day to my students and friends. Thank you Hashem for the time to learn about you and grow closer to you. |
| Today is a day of answered prayers. Yes, plural. Thank you G-d for hearing my prayers and answering them. |
| I was home for another Shabbat. I spent a lot of time reading. I seem to have an endless supply of books to read and less and less time to read them. I kept my phone off and upstairs easily not even thinking about it. I've gotten into a routine for Shabbat and the day seemed to fly by. I had a good nap. One so good that I was able to wake up and attend a Chabad class this morning. I'm very thankful for the rest and still having the ability to learn and pray. However, I really miss going to Shul. I do not enjoy the three hour drive, but I love attending Shul and praying there, seeing the Torah scrolls, and hearing them read. I don't get that at home alone. We are now in the month of Adar 1. There are two months of Adar this year, because this is a leap year. Instead of just adding one day, an entire month is added to keep the prayers and holidays lined up with their original seasons as is required by by the Torah. It is supposed to be a month of happiness and success. If you have prayer requests, this is the month to make them. If you go to court for any reason, this is the month that judgement will be in your favor. The month of Adar is a month of happiness and blessings. The more I learn about Judaism, the more I love it. I also miss attending Tehillim prayer. I learned from The Lubavitcher Rebbe that King David requested of G-d that the recitation of Tehillim be counted as special and count as both a prayer and the study of Torah. When I first started praying the Psalms (Tehillim), I didn't know that it was a normal thing. I just loved the words and the connection with Hashem. As with Judaism, there is an explanation, and it just makes me love it that much more. Please let me return to the synagogue so I can kiss your Torah and learn your word. |
| On Saturday morning as I was reading through the morning service in my living room, I came across a note that I had left in my Siddur. I had previously gone over the meaning and words of the prayer with my prayer tutor L. The words הרופא לשבורי לב which is part of a prayer, was written on the paper. The translation of each word was under the words in Hebrew, "The doctor/ fixes broken/ heart." Then the following sentence under that. Only God can fix a broken heart. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude flooded me and I broke down crying. I thank Hashem so often for all that I know he has done for me. I thanked him then and I thank him today for healing parts of me I never thought would heal. Thank you Hashem. |
| This is the second week in a row that I have not been to shul or seen anyone in the community. A few have reached out to me and checked in to see that everything was okay. My weeks are different when I am able to go. Everything is different down the very air I breathe into my lungs and how the world appears before me. Those that have reached out, I let know that I will be back down as soon as G-d allows. G-d knew that my children would be struggling and need help financially. He knew that I would not hesitate to give all that I have to take care of them, visit them, and support them. So why would he choose now for my car to break down when he knows I cannot do anything about it for a couple of weeks? I can think of many reasons, and I'll go through them below. 1. Perhaps, to answer the question, Would I get angry at G-d and blame him? Surly, G-d could have kept my car going until it was a more convenient time when I wouldn't have struggled with getting it fixed, had to ask for rides to work, and miss so much shul (like spring break). The answer is no. Though I know I would be there if he wanted me there, I also know that everything has a purpose and a lesson. 2. Perhaps, because of a decision. I could have taken a job offered and moved already. Instead, I chose to renew my vow to my students (relinquished at Yom Kipper by the Kol Nideri prayer) and stay until the end of the school year. Every choice we make, whether we make it for ourselves or for others, has consequences. 3. Perhaps, because I didn't think ahead. I could have done better saving money for this time and spent less on things that were only wants (like dresses, skirts, and shoes). I would then have had the money to put into my car (or get a new one) and not had to wait. 4. Perhaps as a lesson. I know I am still working on my patience. There are two important things that I have been waiting for, and amazingly, they have been become intertwined. 5. Perhaps to see what I would do with my time. I have spent months driving downstate to go to shul, and it has helped me grow in my devotion and observance. With a couple of weeks at home, would I revert back to my old ways (It has only been 4 and a half months after all) or would I make a point of staying observant? What did I do? I kept observance and made a point to do it more mindful than the past 4 and half months. I observed Shabbat. I did not have to be on technology because I did not need Google Maps for driving, so I didn't use my phone on Shabbat. I did not turn on my computer, laptop, tv, or stove on Shabbat. I did not leave home on Shabbat. I prayed on Shabbat at the time that all the other women would have been there and pictured their faces as I prayed. Since I had to break Shabbat (since I am not fully converted yet), how did I break Shabbat? I turned on my closet light (this part was an accident) and turned it back off (on purpose just to break Shabbat). I have been observant for the past two weeks, and I plan to keep observance. I observed what I learned before going to shul and will continue to observe what I have learned since. As I learn more, I will observe more. 6. Perhaps as time to rest and reflect? I admit that Shabbat has been very restful. I have taken naps (a very rare thing for me) and reflected on all that has changed over the past year. I also know that I never want to go back to life before this. I am more thankful each day that passes for the opportunity to grow closer to G-d in observance, spiritually, and with purpose. I never expected this level of spiritual growth and closeness with Hashem. 7. Perhaps because absence makes the heart grow fonder? I had a difficult time eating lunch yesterday. I knew what I was missing. I don't understand how anyone could join a community like that and want to leave it. I watched a movie late last night (after Shabbat had ended and after going to visit a friend) about an ultra orthodox woman that wanted to leave the community and get a divorce. There was so much about why less than 2% decide to leave the community that missed the mark completely. I would not want to be ultra orthodox, and I believe that the ultra orthodox community is missing a great deal of compassion and are also misguided about want makes members want to stay (and the community was wrong on some other aspects as well). The community that I visit has genuine care, compassion, and love for people, even if they are not Jews. That is the reason why when someone leaves, they come back. I miss my friends. I miss the smiling faces of the people whose names that I don't even remember. I miss seeing them care for one another and show love and compassion for one another. I miss the gathering of just plain good people. Whether this is one of the trials that come with convers that is warned about in every conversion book I read, I don't know. I just know that I still love G-d. I thank him for spending Shabbat with me, for being with me every day, and for listening to my prayers. I want to serve him the way he wants me to serve him, and I know that my desire to convert has not changed. If G-d wants me there next week, my car will either be fixed, or I will have a new car. Either way, I am trusting him and will be in the doors of the shul as soon as he permits. Nehemiah 8:10 And he said to them, "Go, eat fat foods and drink sweet drinks and send portions to whoever has nothing prepared, for the day is holy to our Lord, and do not be sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." I still had joy on Shabbat and will have joy throughout the week, because even without time in my community, I still have the Lord. May this week be a blessing to you. |
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