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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Spring break is almost over, and I go back to work on Monday. April Fool's Day. I think back to where I was one year ago today. What was I doing ending my spring break last year. A lot has changed in a year. I have changed a lot in a year. I don't ever want to go back. This path that Hashem has asked me to walk is not easy, but my life has never been easy. Why would I expect this to be any different? However, the truth is that it has been different. With all my hardships that I have faced in my life, I never in a million years would have thought that I greatest heartbreak is not praying in synagogue on Shabbat. I feel blessed beyond belief that with all my struggles in life, even those that are current, this is my biggest heartbreak. I didn't make it to the synagogue today. My break light came on again as I was pulling out onto the road. G-d already used the event from earlier this week to let me know that my break lines were fine and my breaks were fine. I know it is just air in the break line and it will be fixed with just a little bit of break fluid, but I'll be honest. I'm a girl. A real girl that believes there are men on this earth for a reason. Fixing cars for girls is one of those reasons. At least for me, it is. A kind voice on the other end of the phone talked me out of stressing and reminded me not to worry or to give up. I thank him for that. It's great to be blessed with people in my life with such good hearts. I will make it back to synagogue next week, or the next, or the next. I don't know why G-d does what he does, but I trust in G-d's timing. Who knows what could have happened on the road in the rain as people head home from spring break. Air in my break lines may have saved my life. Who knows. I had plenty of leftovers from dinner last night, so I didn't go hungry today even though I couldn't cook. I had a challah in the freezer that I had taken out and used last night, so I was able to eat a bit more of that today, though I didn't do kiddush today. I'm sorry for those that were expecting me and I wasn't there. I will see you soon. G-d willing. I watched videos today to break Shabbat since I couldn't drive. Never have there been so many Jewish videos on my feed. One in particular was certainly meant for me. It was a Rabbi who answered a question, "Can a Jew be reincarnated as a non-Jew?" I already knew the answer to the question, but it was nice to hear it again, especially now. His answer was yes. A convert who goes through the proper conversion, i.e. a convert who converts, is a person who was born with a Jewish soul. He didn't get into the reasons why a person would be born with a Jewish soul and need to go through the conversion process. What is the point? What kind of person was I that I needed to go through everything that I have gone through just to worship G-d the way he wants me to? What is it that I need to learn that I haven't yet that is making this conversion so hard or forcing me to wait? All I know is that I love you Hashem with all that I am. https://youtu.be/yHF1RbbfB5U?si=2v6X6N1H05NqvRfY Shavua tov everyone. |
| Let me tell you a story of how Hashem answers the prayers of someone who is unable to take hints and needs obvious and blunt answers. This is a true story. I have been extremely discouraged and life has seemed to big for me lately. As life has been throwing me curve balls, I have wondered why Hashem would have me go through all of this and then as my first year of studying is near it's end, he leaves me here. I started this with Hashem's leading and prodding. I have taken every step regardless of my level of understanding of where he is leading if I had any understanding at all. But I've done this will full faith in him that he wants this for my life. Lately, I have wondered if this was it. Am I at the end? Do I need to step back and take a break or continue at all? What has made me feel this way? Why was I wondering if Hashem wanted me to give up on conversion? It certainly is not the community that I have been visiting. Purim was just another example of how wonderful those people are. I had no idea what to expect for the holiday and there was not a single second that I felt lost because there was always someone there to explain what was happening and what was going to happen next. The amount of Purim gifts that I received was surprising since I don't live there, but they were delivered to the house that I was staying. They are so welcoming and loving and amazing. Even with all the learning that I have been doing with the community, with the Rabbis, with The Ark Online, with my Torah classes, with my Hebrew classes, and with my prayers, I have been feeling stuck. I can't continue my conversion without moving to the community. I can't move to the community without a place to live. I can't get a place to live without a job in the area. I've been working to create my vessels for Hashem to use to fulfill the needs I have, but it hasn't happened. So I've felt stuck, and I've wondered if I am needing to be patient for Hashem's perfect blessing, or if I should even continue trying. I have worried. I have cried. I have prayed. It is always when I give in to Hashem's will and resign to accept his will regardless of his decision that my prayers are answered. If I don't willingly do it on my own, Hashem will put me in the situation to for me to have no choice but to do just that, resign to accept his will regardless of his decision. The conclusion to the story starts during the Purim dinner Sunday night. I thought it was just a fun dinner with great friends, funny costumes, and great memories. I, and everyone at my table, wrote a letter to the IDF soldiers with markers. There was a spot that said, "The mitzvah I will do.." and gave space to write something. I wanted to give to a Jewish charity with the soldiers in mind. It is not a secret that previous abuse has caused me to be very mistrustful of men. Because of this, there is no place that leaves me feeling more vulnerable then a place that involves cars. As I sat in a Target parking lot in strange city with my daughter in the car and a red break light glaring at me, I cried. All I could do was think about the possible outcomes. 1 - it would be nothing and I would continue with my trip to my daughter's (A1) like nothing had changed. 2 - it would cost a lot and I would not be able to give much charity or continue to go to synagogue for a while because I would have to figure out to pay off my newly maxed out credit card balance with an empty bank account. 3 - I would have to get a new car and not be able to continue my conversion because I would have to put all my extra money used for gas into a new car payment. So I cried in the bathroom where my daughter wouldn't see and avoided her gaze. It was an hour before my appointment, so I walked around Target half looking at things. I had a notification come across my Facebook page to follow a page of someone's whose post I had liked. Emotionally tired, I sat in the cafe scrolling through the stranger's page. I immediately saw the post I had liked. It was children's book of Esther that I had seen and had thought of buying. As I scrolled through their page, I didn't know why that one post would have come across my feed. I was not friends with this person and had never seen any other post by this person. There were a couple good posts about Torah and a couple questionable posts, but then there was a post for a fundraiser for his son to attend a camp that he had attended the previous year. I looked at it briefly and headed to the garage that was going to decide my future. As I sat there in the garage, in this foreign city, with men all around me, I watched my car go up and down multiple times. I heard the tools that used to work on my car. I scrolled through Facebook, talked to the old men sitting in the waiting room, and looked again at the fundraiser for that boy. When the nice old guy left, I stared out the window talking to Hashem. There was nothing I could do. So I said, My life is in your hands Hashem. I have resigned to give you everything because everything is yours. I am here because I am following your will. If you want my conversion to continue, you will make a way. If you let these men take advantage of me, whatever I have left from a payment of $100 on my credit card bill from this repair, I will give to the boy for camp, and stay home from synagogue for a while. If I have to get a new car, I will stop my conversion and know you want me to go a different way. I will not be angry at you regardless of what you choose, though you know I will miss the community greatly. Like always before Hashem answers my prayer and tells me what to do, I was at peace with his decision. I would either give up conversion and worship G-d a different way, or not give up conversion and continue to worship him this way. As they finished working on my car, I tested my daughter's Spanish skills with posts from Yaakov Medina that always inspire me. The guy behind the counter said that they were putting everything back together and that I needed to make sure I checked the front breaks. He tried to explain something else to me, and I was honest that I had no idea what he was saying. Finally, they took my van for a test drive. The guy came in and gave the guy behind the counter the keys to my van and sat down and started typing at the computer. I collected my keys and waited for my fate with my wallet in my hand. These men had no idea what their decision would mean for my life. Then he lied. I know he lied. My daughter knows he lied. He said that they only put break fluid in and that I didn't have to pay anything. Let me repeat that. I didn't have to pay anything. Nothing. Not a cent. I paid nothing. I said that I would leave a good review and quickly left before I started crying again. We never know how our lives and decisions impact others. Their decision no matter what they decided was going to be the answer to my prayer. I did not expect such a blatant answer of, "No, don't give up." Message received, G-d. I will not give up. I will understand that I am not stuck, and that I am just waiting for your perfect timing. The gave the boy the full $100. I have done everything I can to keep this blog anonymous, as well as anyone mentioned in the blog. If you would like to donate to the same cause, the link to the donation page is below. Again, I do not know the family that posted the fundraiser or any family that is receiving funds. I gave to the Yess family. If you are ever in the area, the link to the business that blessed me is also below. Again, I do not live there, my daughter does not live there, and I know no one who does live in that town. However, my breaks do work great, so they are good at what they do. Even if I had paid, I would still recommend them. Thank you Hashem for loving me. I love you with all that I am. https://www.aamufflerandbrakes.com/ https://givebutter.com/pioneers2024?fbclid=IwAR3dJdUWYJkbnjeYhscn7OGg03M7x77erzY... https://youtu.be/ROKrM6K1_w4 |
| Today is the Fast of Esther. The fast is done the day before Purim except when Purim is on a Sunday (like this year) and then it is on the Thursday before (so as not to interfere with Shabbat). Tomorrow I will be trying to leave before the snow hits and make it down state to a friend's house from the community, where I am going to spend the entire weekend to be able to attend all events for Purim. I am very excited about Purim for many reasons. Reason 1: It sounds like a lot of fun! Reason 2: This is the last holiday that I studied alone before studying with Chabad Academy and my American Rabbi. Reason 3: This is the holiday that made be really begin to question Christianity. I remember talking with my pastor after church one day about the book of Ester that I was studying. I asked why we don't celebrate it when the book clearly says that it will be celebrated forever. He said that we would celebrate it in the world to come. I did not accept that answer as a good reason. Why wouldn't we do it now? There was nothing in the bible that says to stop celebrating the holiday of Purim. I have always wanted to know what it was like to celebrate the holiday, and I finally get my chance! |
| My current questions: 1. What does it mean when we pray "grant us our portion in your Torah?" 2. What should I expect for Purim? 3. Food as gifts for Purim? Can I even do that? If I can, how do I and to whom do I give that to? |
| ****Disclaimer***** This post does not have anything to do with anyone in my shul or anyone that whomever is reading this would probably know. "And you call yourself a Jew!" Why then did these words hurt so much and cause me to question everything that I am? The words cut deep, because I know I can't call myself a Jew. I'm not one. If anyone asks what my faith is, sometimes I say Jewish, because it's easier to than a long explanation. If someone makes a comment about me being a Jew, I correct them and tell them that I am converting. If someone asks if I'm Jewish, I say no. I'm nothing. I feel as though I am at a standstill. There is no moving forward until I move to the community. I know this. I understand this. However, after hearing the remark that most likely was made as a joke, I understand why people take a break from conversion. It is a very discouraging process. I understand the reasoning behind it, but it is hard. I know I can't go back. I can never go back, but I can't go forwards at the moment either. Hence, a standstill. My mind wonders if it even matters that I can't go forward yet. I'm not being asked to stop practicing Judaism. I'm still able to pray. I'm still able to attend The Ark online learning program with the Rabbi who Sparkles. I'm still able to attend Chabad classes with the Rabbi who glows, the Rabbi who is adorable, and the American Rabbi. I'm still able to pray every day in the morning, afternoon, and evening. I'm still able to observe most of Shabbat. I'm still able to attend shul. I'm still able to attend women's events. I'm still able to read Tehillim by myself and with others. I'm still able to learn and grow. So does it matter that I'm at a standstill? No, and yes. No, because I understand the process, and waiting and practicing is part of the process. I am still able to practice and learn and grow. I learn more every week, and it has not stopped. I have grown in my faith and that has not stopped. I know that this is what G-d wants for my life that it will happen in his time. So, no, it doesn't matter. I'm where I'm supposed to be. Yes, it does matter. Who am I? What am I? What do I call myself and my faith? Where do I belong? With these questions running through my mind and the pressure from family and friends to not convert, I am struggling. Though I still plan to convert, because I can't at the present moment, should I take a break from even thinking about it? Should I stop making this my focus in life and just practice for a while? There is no doubt that Saturdays are my favorite day of the week. It's an entire day focused on G-d and prayer. After going to shul yesterday, I thanked G-d, like I always do and always will, that I was able to have another Shabbat day, to attend shul, to pray, to learn, and grow closer to him. Is there anything better in life? "And you call yourself a Jew!" I don't think I can call myself anything except confused. |
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