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Rated: 18+ · Book · Personal · #2318529
I'm just venting/getting my thoughts out.
I don't have a place where I can really just let my thoughts out. They tend to just stay bottled up and away until I forget about them entirely. So I've decided to put them here: thoughts, frustrations, vents, anything. I'm not really sure if this sort of thing is normal here - I honestly don't know much at all about this site despite having posted here before. I understand the resources to learn are blatantly available, and one day I will be hit with the right amount of motivation and resolve which, assuming that I have a way to access this site the moment that happens, will allow me to spend some hours learning everything I need to. But until that day I'm just going to assume this is normal enough to at least go unnoticed.
May 2, 2024 at 11:56pm
May 2, 2024 at 11:56pm
#1070444
I really don't like how little say I have when it comes to what I wear/what people see of my body. My heart can't heart so I need sonograms requiring the doctor to see from my waist up. Anything remotely water related creates the expectation of a swimsuit and if I try to justify not wearing one then everyone makes a deal out of it. And I know it's a me problem, it's not their fault I don't like my body. (or that I have self-harm wounds/scars I would like to hide, thank you very much) But the fact that, at any time, one of the adults in my life can just say "you're going to wear this" and I can't argue without it becoming a {thing/i} is such a big source of anxiety for me at this point. I nearly had a panic attack just moving some of my moms shirts from my room that were left there a few weeks ago when she wanted me to "model" them. I'm a fucking adult now, technically, so why am I still struggling so much with this? It's frustrating. I really want to get out of here.
April 27, 2024 at 7:11am
April 27, 2024 at 7:11am
#1069869
It's the time of the year where they throw tests at you and I'm not confident in my ability to pass them at all. Even English, which is my strong suit. It's because I got lazy and didn't practice or study as much as I should have, so I know it's my fault and I can't complain or really feel upset about it. On the other hand, a lot of my teachers have so much confidence and faith in me that the idea that I'm about to let them all collectively down (except my computer science teacher, we both know I'm doomed) freaks me out. Today is the practice AP for biology and I feel like I'm going to be the only one to do poorly and I know by the end of the day I'll feel to disconnected to even think about it, but right now I kind of feel nauseous. But that could probably be because I haven't eaten breakfast.
April 25, 2024 at 10:35pm
April 25, 2024 at 10:35pm
#1069748
This part of my life, like most of it, is not original in any way. In fact I'm fairly certain that everyone experiences the feeling of hating their body at some point in their life. I naturally developed a distaste for food and cared a lot for a long time, stopped caring for a while, jumped back into it with less intensity - etc. ect. for a couple years. And now I'm here. I actually hit a milestone: I actively brought food to school and ate it at lunch, not for the purpose of getting eyewitness accounts of me eating, but because I was hungry. I hadn't done that in at least three years. I was honestly shocked when I realized the day before that I was going to do it. I don't think it matters that it was only a granola bar because progress is progress. The issue lies in the fact that I didn't really care all that much about doing it, and I have absolutely no plan of doing it again. It happened. Oh well. Back to the regularly scheduled program I guess.
April 21, 2024 at 10:40pm
April 21, 2024 at 10:40pm
#1069359
Why is it always a promise? Why is it always a mentor-mentee relationship gone wrong? Someone is always either betrayed in some way or killed. Or they get together and have a messy breakup. Or they mutually end the relationship before getting back together after years of endless pining and jealousy. Or all of that but with their best-friend. Or really any friend. Why is it always a story about someone making something out of nothing? Of turning poverty into prosperity? Isn’t that less of someone's story and more feeding the fire of many people's collective fantasy? How do you go about writing a story free of tropes and cliches and outside influences? It’s impossible, because those things make up the stories that make up our foundational understanding of how to create and tell them. That’s why it takes so long to write anything good, or good enough, because they need to come alive on their own, in their own time, at their own pace. Otherwise, they're just copies of copies. I mean they're already destined to be that, but at least they'll gain their own autonomy. Hopefully. A bit. Probably. I don’t know anymore.


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