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 |    Online journal capturing the moment and the memory of moments. A meadow meditation. |
   L'aura del campo 'é a lua, é a lua, na quintana dos mortos' ♣ Federico García Lorca ♣  L'aura del campo. A breeze in the meadow. So it began the last day of Spring, 2005; on the 16th day of the month of Light of the year 162. This is a supplement to my daily journal written to a friend, my muse; notes I do not share. Here I will share what the breeze has whispered to me. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! I L  V COMMENTS!On a practical note, in answer to your questions: IN MEMORIUM VerySara  passed away November 12, 2005 Please visit her port to read her poems and her writings. More suggested links:  These pictures rotate.   Kåre  Enga~ until everything was rainbow, rainbow, rainbow! And I let the fish go. ~ Elizabeth Bishop, The Fish |
| Write about an opinion you’ve had that has changed over the years. I've always been a deep thinker and passionate. Not good for changing opinions I've already mulled over. If I really don't care than I either don't have an opinion or can easily change. So indulge me as I list some of my opinions. 1. "Humankind is One". I was raised with a version of this. My family wasn't as prejudiced as the place I grew up. Both my mother and father had grown up elsewhere and had a more embracing view of the world. That said, they had their blind spots... but that basic openness helped me cope with other people in spite of my lack of experience. My thoughts on this grew firmer as my experiences confirmed that we all are human, even those I don't particularly like. My area of study in college was biology and language. In spite of the evident diversity of life forms and how they expressed themselves there was always humanity at the core. By extension I feel this way to other sentient beings as well. 2. My alma mater. When I first visited the University of Kansas it was a blessing. So open. So embracing. When I got accepted on my birthday it was one of my happiest days. When I went there I blossomed. I lived on the Hill and made friends from all walks of life and even did well in school. But when I returned decades later it was the end of my road. My options had run out and I was in a homeless shelter for two years at the edge of the student ghetto. I remember the Oread Bookstore and the Kansas Union as becoming one of my refuges. But I had changed, my status in life had changed and the university itself had changed. I gained new perspectives from living below "Snob Hill" as the educational system became more of a club for the entitled class. This corporate model has since become a national trend. 3. Brussel sprouts. I avoided them as a child... along with pineapple and pork chops. My opinion of pork chops took time to change as I avoided them due to an incident as a teenager of getting deathly ill. Pineapple was crushed and came out of a can. I still despise pineapple upside down cake. But, fresh pineapple in Costa Rica is wonderful. Emphasis on "fresh" = local and picked that day. Brussel sprouts took some time. My taste buds were changing but not fast enough! Finally I had them at my sister's. She knows how to cook them properly. Now I try them hoping that others know how to cook them as well. Some do. With food two things have changed. My taste buds are "toast"; I can't smell or taste as well as I used to. Secondly, the food has changed. I was raised on bland food out of a can. Fresh and properly spiced makes a huge difference. So let me compare these 3 categories. 1. There are things that are core beliefs. Although this may appear to evolve with time the essence remains the same. This includes only a few special people in my life. 2. There things may be part of my identity for a time but they are changeable, similar to clothes. I still wear clothes but they don't define me. This includes most of my friends. 3. Some things are "alienable". I interact with them but they are not a part of me. These may come and go and change. Food is obvious but this category also includes most people I meet. The loss of anything and anybody that falls into category number 3 may bother me but I can deal with it. I hold on to category number 2 and mourn the loss. Attack category number 1 and it shakes me to the core. My opinions as well as who I am fall into these circles. At the center... that's where you'll find me. Few bother to look that deep and I hide myself well. 101.973 |
| Again, perhaps the wrong question for me so I'll do my best. What time of day are you most motivated? Least motivated? For me, I’m most motivated and productive in the morning, and least in the mid afternoon around 2pm. What do you do to renew your motivation in those slumps? The quick answer: Most: afternoons and evenings. Least: late night and morning. Slumps: nap or spend time with people. But that's not a good answer. Better: LIGHT COFFEE ACTION LIGHT: Apondia reminded me about light. I'm light-sensitive, suffered from SADD long before it became "fashionable". I do NOT function well by the clock. Which brings up seasons. I'm Spring/Autumn. Since I'm moody these seasons fit me best. Always loved the bittersweetness of comings and goings. The calmness of day after day of sun or no sun, of heat or cold doesn't work well for me. In Summer I have difficulty falling asleep; in Winter I hibernate. If I can't get to sleep at night I'm exhausted by morning. I am addicted to caffeine... the natural way. Even now after 11 I realize that my cup is empty and needs to be filled. It's grey today. On a sunny day I'd be more perky by now. Which brings us back to COFFEE: I didn't drink it when I was a child (I was a milk drinker... not soda) but now it's my go to drink. I drink it by the pot when I am home. I can drink it all day long. I don't drink water much (avoid bottled, I prefer from-the-tap) so tea helps as well. I crave it when I'm traveling! I don't normally wake up by the clock. If sun is in my eyes, yes. If not, I'm okay after the second cup of coffee. Sometimes it makes me run to the toilet which gets us to ACTION: Coffee stimulates my innards and rushing to the toilet also helps wake me up. Having the "urge" means I can't lay back down. Once up, I can stay up... usually. Depression can get me down. And action helps with that as well. I'm less depressed when I travel. Less depressed when I have things to do. But I have so little energy in the morning. It's very difficult when I have an early bus, train, plane to catch. If it's really early I barely sleep the night before. Once the sun is up; once I've had my pot of coffee; once I've moved about... I feel more "motivated". That's usually late morning to early evening (sometimes a slump in between). When I worked, 11-19 would have been better working hours than 8-16. Oddly, my answer changes in Costa Rica. I drink less coffee. The sun comes up at 6 whether one likes it or not and it's best to get things done in the morning. The country shuts down in the evenings. I function best between 8 and 20 there. In Taiwan my hours were later. In Europe as well. Getting out of my hostel by check-out time was a challenge. SLUMPS: I nap. I rest. I sleep. I can do this because I have few obligations that are timed. I don't work but friends meet at 11:30 for lunch. I'm not going today. The showers and toilets here are cleaned on a schedule I work around; same when I'm staying in hostels; I try to stay out of the way. I'm not motivated to be the Energizer Bunny. I've always been low energy. Come Winter, anywhere is preferable to staying at home (even northern Norway in 2017; I mostly slept). Sorry for the long entry. If you've read through this, many thanks. It helps me to get my thoughts entered here. My flash fiction from yesterday:
And from Friday:
And the day before that:
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| Write about your ideal weekend. Not! Okay... why the hostility to this question? It assumes that I have a weekend. I don't. What about historically? When I was in school it meant not having to deal with the mean kids; it also meant being "alone" with family, not always fun either. I do have fond memories of rides in the country on weekends. In university it meant no classes. Since I had no money weekends weren't for having "fun". One nice memory was a road-trip to Yale in Connecticut. At the University of Kansas it meant football! And usually we lost. In Costa Rica it was a field trip to a park, a pepper farm, a volcano. It was painful at times being a part of that group, but I only skipped once. When I "worked" after university, my schedule was determined by others. Days off when I lived in Nebraska meant I could get in my Plymouth and visit Kansas and Missouri. Once I moved home... bad idea... weekends meant nothing... I had no money. When I got a full time job working nights I had a 4 day weekend every three weeks. I tried to catch up with things I could get done during the day. For the next 14 years I worked 9-5. So weekends? Probably my garden and other obligations. I try not to remember much about that time. I mostly block it out. The following period of full and semi homelessness meant I didn't have the means to do much of anything. When I was penniless it meant trying to find places that were open. Weekends and holidays were a challenge. I survived. Now? My life is boring from one day to the next. There's nothing special about weekends. But one can discern a general theme. Either I have money or I don't. Either I travel or I stay at home. I am not a party person. Now, I live in a university town that has a certain rhythm. Saturdays there is a market. I usually go but didn't yesterday. Too cold and damp and I was too out-of-sorts. Today? The sun is leaking through the clouds. It's 9º. I may... or may not... go for a walk. My ideal weekend = something to do, the money to do it, the energy to care. Today there is nothing I have to do, available to do or want to do. And I don't give a rat's ass. 101.932 |
| Something I do every day? It's the toss and turn, the stretch of legs, the unexpected pain, the itch. If light would only let me sleep and keep me awake by day. I try to ignore it all. Yet brain-cells won't switch off. I notice the time. Go back to sleep. Unless it's Friday. I wander into the shower 'most every day. Or twice in Costa Rica. I wash out soiled underwear, hang it up to dry. Put on clean ones. Put on clothes. Sometimes wait until I'm dry. I boil the coffee. Wait. So tempted to lie down once more. But water must be watched. The coffee must be brewed. I must be conscious when I pour it. I dare not burn myself again. After a pot I might wake up. Everyday: I wash. I rinse. Repeat. I travel to break this repetition, this rhythm of dying every day. Writing about a boring part of life isn't as easy as it sounds. Truth? 1. I wake up; I get up (sometimes two hours later). 2. Wash out my underwear. Dry it. throw it n the pile. I don't boil it any more though. 3. Eat. More at home than when I travel. 4. Use the toilet (no I'm not going to write about that, but some people don't every day). 5. Write... with few exceptions. What I don't do every day: 1. Go to sleep and sleep well. 2. Get exercise. I swear I'm allergic. 3. Get upset...often, but not every day. 4. Take photos when I'm at home; yet, almost every day when I travel. 5. Withdraw into myself. Just most everyday this past week. And maybe next. 101.911 |
| Opinion: I feel twice as old today than yesterday. Fact: I don't care. It's been a bad day. I'm going numb. As in shutdown... 3... 2... How long is a good life? At some point one longs for the peacefulness of death. Immortality may seem nice for humanity's quest to explore and inhabit the stars. On a personal level? Not so nice. One outlives everything one knows and everyone one cares about. And if one isn't wise repeats the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe if one could renew oneself without consciously knowing it? Nah... We come from God and so we must return. This life is but a loan. My expiration date is 2034... but today I'm feeling like milk that sat out and spoiled. So, nope. Not in the mood to respond much to the prompt. Today is the 17th of May and I wish I were in Norway. |
I am amazed how many writers have illnesses that they cope with, or dysfunctional living situations, or other limitations. I have found this to be true over 14 years of blogging. It's not that "normal" folks don't have issues... it's just that they don't really write about them. Even on facebook, people are reticent to share. Writers tend to be a bit more verbose.  Mary Ann MCPhedran  started writing more after a diagnosis of major illness 10 years ago. She's also a tad older than I am. That said, her in-and-out doesn't lend itself to comments. I wish it did.  At least she has been to Cyprus. I've never been.Sharmelle's Expressions  does sigs and writes poetry. She also has diabetes... and gets special fitted shoes like the mother of my best friend did. "What I would like to Reflect on and accomplish this Week..."  She's been trying to catch up.I've followed Elle - on hiatus  for years, but I probably didn't know she likes wine (red, low tannin) . "More whining about wine" After-all when you buy a wine rack you need to buy the wine to go with it! Having a family keeps her busy in New Zealand.Lostwordsmith  has been ill and last posted on the 10th, so I hope she is doing better by now. She mentioned how her family goes back a wee bit in America and that she had family on both sides of the Civil War. "Invalid Entry" Kell Willsen  writes short stories and posted some advice. "Could Do Better..." Since I've been trying to learn how to write flash fiction, I put it in my folder for future reference. That will probably be later today!My latest flash fiction:
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| "Share an instance when something blew your mind." We ancients rarely have our mind blown. We've seen most everything... or so we think. Part 1 of many. When I was 21... a long long time ago... before dirt was invented... I sat at the beach and looked at the Southern Cross. I had never been to the ocean. The waves wanted me to join them. But I knew they wouldn't bear me all the way across the Pacific. I couldn't swim. So I sat there in a pitch-black night watching the stars. Many are soothed by the sounds and motions of water. Others answer its siren call. I just fell deeper into depression. I wasn't coping well with being human. After-all, this was my first time being human... or alive for that matter. I desperately wanted connection. I desperately wanted a friend. One week in Costa Rica and it already was such a disappointment. I was in the second stage of a nervous breakdown. It had been a mistake to sit there. And it got worse. Within two months, I had gone mute for two weeks, gotten drunk and embarrassed myself to tears, had an out-of-body experience, started smoking cigarettes, had a surprise birthday party and lost my closest friend. March 30th, April 1st, April 4th, April 21st... were some of the dates I still remember. By May 5th I had to go to the doctor after having heart issues on the train. But already in February I had sat on the sand at Manuel Antonio watching my life ebb away. 101.849 |
| This stood out for me: "One way to manage this problem is to shift your focus from wishing you had more time to maximizing the time you have." I now do this with money. Yes, if I want to go around the world with Road Scholars I'll have to find $50,000. Any givers out there? Didn't think so. I manage quite well on limited income (social security only). It allows me to travel; but... I have to give up a nice place to live, a car, fancy meals, a phone, cable... I just turn off those "burners". Years ago I burnt out mid-air and crashed. It wasn't a pretty sight and some folks felt injured by the wreckage. Others were perplexed. I couldn't keep all my burners going. When the "gas was shut off" (I lost my job) I lost my health and everything I had. By moving I lost family and friends. Smart? Nope. I kept in touch with family because I had to, but they only knew what I shared and mostly I wasn't talking. I kept in touch with ONE friend and had to make new ones (not a problem for me, but it was work to start over and over and over again as I moved and now travel). My new "work" became my writing but without any making any money. Family was still not involved much and even today they aren't. "I don't do friends" because I don't trust anyone. I'm still in touch with that ONE friend though and keep in touch with folks here at WDC and around the world (through blogs and facebook). My health was compromised by high anxiety that lead to high blood pressure... and that has lead to other issues. I'll go to the doctor's Thursday and explain why I'm really concerned. I may need to insist that tests be done. If I have to cut back or cut out social media (including WDC) to restore my health, I just may do so (with warning). Friends and family though may not be informed of details. So yes, I'm loath to rekindle embers from years ago. Those ashes should be buried. I'm still mostly burnt. Today's burnt flash-fiction offering (placed in Gdansk, Poland; I have the photo):
101.837 |
| Whatever my blog has been it hasn't been "just right". In this Land of Twitter and 15 seconds of fame attention span it has been too long and too complicated. In this Land of Serious Writers it hasn't been serious enough, introspective enough, essay-like enough. All-of-which would be funny if it weren't frustrating. Is blogging too easy for me? Am I bored and not extending myself? Is it too hard and I'm just relying on what comes easy for me? I started this blog in 2005 and eventually settled into a scrapbook style. A little this, a little that. But everyone fled to facebook and twitter and Blogville became Ghostville. Reincarnations haven't quite worked for me as blogging went out of fashion along with having conversations and building community. We all have to move on someday. But not today. I can write a piece of prose or poem in 20 minutes on a good day. 4 or 5 in an hour or two on an exceptional day. Bad days with nothing-to-show don't stress me out much. I average one-a-day. I can always stick to what comes easy or try to expand my comfort zone. Short-vampire-stories/chapters that are character driven are fairly easy for me; editing and compiling them is not. Travel writing hasn't worked too well but photography has. Haiku, senryu and haiga... well, we'll see. Flash-fiction pushes my comfort zone so I'm doing that for May. My journal is now on page 5.020 and I've skipped a few days there as well, but I keep at it. I could apply the "this-is-just-right" to my travels as well. But that will have to wait for another blog. A flash fiction written today:
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| Is change in the air? This blog isn't working as intended. It started in 2005 as a place of refuge cataloging my experiences being homeless. It has morphed over the years as my needs have changed. This April it was my plog (poetry-blog) now I've gone back to a scrapbook style of 1. prompt, 2. interlude, 3. flash-fiction. It's not working. "No one" is reading nor commenting. I'll need to join a couple groups maybe and do daily writings to the prompt. Essay style? Keep it focused and simple? Personal is best but sometimes the prompts do not apply. When they don't I'll just have to say "nope" and substitute something that does. I should consider myself blessed. Well over 100,000 views and even though I'm only getting around 2 or 3 comments per day that's better than facebook. Few want to engage at facebook. I ask "what is wrong with ME?" But that seems to be the wrong question. The dog isn't barking any more, the traffic is quiet, the morning haze may be lifting. My spirits are still in the depths. It's such a lonely place, the land of tears. 101.823 |
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