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A crazy look at serial killers. |
| [Introduction]
In this story I want to, being crazy as possible, kill off a few cereal icons, i.e Toucan Sam, the Lucky Charm Leprechraun, Trix Rabbit, and definitely Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Our killer will have an aversion to "Kiddie Cereals" and the characters advertising agencies use to move them off the shelves. Throughout the course of this campfire be sure to represent the trademarked characters and the name brands correctly. Also when directing the plot towards the murderer, be vague in your descriptions of him/her. But do leave some clues for the other members to follow on. Keep the language and violence to the appropiate rating of "R". And please keep in mind that most people eat cereal in the morning, so this is the time I would like to see most of the action taking place. I want this to be comedy more than mystery but keep in mind I want to use this in the mystery newsletter in December. When it is your turn please don't keep this story sitting in the milk too long. Keep the victims to being only the icons that are already in existence...in other words don't make up any new characters i.e Snap, Crackle, Pop, and Bam. Let's have fun creating and solving a mystery. |
| Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. "Smack" Bzzzzzzz "SMACK SMACK SMACK" "One irritating icon down and who knows how many more to go. "Damn, I spilt my coffee over that lousy Honey Nut Cheerio bee. And that was my last coffee filter. Maybe I'll get dressed and run down the corner donut store. |
| "Yeah, why not?" He heard a little voice in his head... "Make the fat Donut man even fatter! Sponsor him. Make him rich!" "Shut up!" He shouted out loud. "I can't think without coffee!!!" "You are a coffee addict, you know that?" He sighed and ignored the voice in his head. "Addict...addict...addict..." He turned the radio on and smiled. "Yes, finally! Finally I found a station With good music..." Then the commercial started and the smile disappeared fast... |
| The News update interrupted the ad as the frown became a scowl. The reporter shouted out from the little black box. "Today in the small town of East Stay Crunchy, Tony The Tiger was found drowned in White Milk River." He clicked the radio off as this was the only news he wanted to hear. "Yes! They found him! No more They're Grrrreeaaaaaate! I've heard that line so many times I couldn't help myself! Someone had to do it. But My alibi will stick! Maybe I should call Captian Crunch just to make sure our stories will hold up." "Addict... Addict... Addict...", The voice in his head would not stop. "I need coffee before I do anything!", he squelched, shaking his head trying to hold back his runaway thoughts. As he headed for the market for somemore coffee filters all he could do was show his evil grin as his mind raced. "Next on the list has to be that Tricky Trix Rabbit! He's the only one with a chance of finding me out!" "Paper or plastic?", He heard the sales lady ask. But his mind was once again racing to the thoughts of, "Plastic? Should I use plastic to smother that crazy rabbit? Or should I... |
| Should i just get that coffee already? "Shaddup!! Just let me deal with that silly rabbit once and for all!" But, paper or plastic? Hmm...while paper had its good points, obviously plastic was best--it even had those silly warning labels right on the bag. The silly Trix rabbit wasn't hard to find; as per usual, he was trying to sneak in and get some Trix. This time, just like always, the disguise was just too obvious. I just ran up behind him and sort of, well, pulled the bag over his head. I think he thought I was one of those stupid kids trying to stop him again, and for all I know, maybe I was. I remember his screams fondly, "I know *cough* I KNOW, Trix are for kiiiiiiiiiiiagggggh...." I still hadn't gotten my coffee yet. Now I was really about to get a little ruffled. |
| Snap. Crackle. POP! Oh no! Not again, please tell me I didn't hear that! Snap. Crackle. POP! "Hiya! You're getting coffee too huh?" Snap. Crackle. POP! I'd like to Snap, Crackle, POP! them! One murderous fantasy is enough for one shopping trip though. Their time will come soon enough! "Yep, need my morning coffee! Plastic, please, and double bag it! See you guys!" Snap. Crackle. POP! "See ya!" Thank GOD! I am finally out of there! Ok, must finish my coffee... "Addict... addict..." SHUT UP! Must finish my coffee and prepare for tonite. |
| All night long "Addict... addict" screamed through my head. I opened up my cupboard and there they were...the Rice Krispies with those irritating cereal elves. To make matters worse they were singing and dancing around the red bowl. "Snap" "Crackle" "Pop" "Snap" "Crackle" "Pop" I snapped, I crackled, and did I ever pop. "Shut up and run!!!" "He's after us!!!" "Breakfast is good for you!!!" The more they chanted at me the louder the voices in my head were saying, "Addict... addict". I grabbed the largest wooden spoon I could find. It was a souvenoir from a trip to Italy. It hung on the wall next to the Mickey Mouse wall clock. The spoon was about ten inches wide and two and a half feet long. I was joyous as I started to swing that spoon and was making great contact to the elves. Wouldn't you know it, when I hit them they even went "Snap, Crackle, and Pop." They were true to their slogan until the very end. One last mighty swing of that wooden spoon and Rice Krispies, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and wood splinters were everywhere. And I still haven't had a cup of coffee in two days. |
| I looked at my watch. It told: 4.44 and I already saw the first sunbeams coming through the clouds. My impression of the world was a cruel one. No coffee, awake for two days in a row and still that stupid voice in my head. "Addict...addict..." I decided to put my shoes on and leave the Rice Krispies mess where it was. I needed coffee. And fast. I grabbed a coat and went to the first open restaurant I could find. And ordered me a coffee... |
| As I sat at the table waiting for my coffee I thought about the mess in my kitchen, and who would be next on the list. The waitress brought my coffee and I doused it with five tablespoons of sugar. I need all the energy I can get! I thought as I looked at the waitress standing staring at me. Her name tag said, "Cocoa". She asked me if I'd like some more sugar. "Yea!", I sneered in her direction. She gave me a whole bowl. Then I tried calling Captain Crunch. "Wake up! Wake Up! No One home in more ways than one! We have to get our stories straight!" Little did he know... ~*~ At Soggy Bottom Swamp Police Headquarters, west of Generic Town, on the south side of East Stay Crunchy... "Captain Crunch we can put you in the Witness Protection Program until we catch him", Detective Rice Chex pleaded, "You have to help us find him before he strikes again!" "Are you sure I'll be safe?", the Captain asked quietly, "You don't know him, he will come after me next!" "Yes you will be perfectly safe and you will be under a different name", Sargent Corn Flake assured, "You won't regret this I promise." ~*~ Back in his kitchen cleaning up the mess of spilled milk, cereal, Snap and Pop... Where is he? O.K. Snap and Pop are here. Crackle, where is Crackle? OH NO!!! I don't believe this! I thought I got all three! I have to find him before he gets to the police! I was sure I got him! How could he still be alive? The radio bellowed... be be bebeep be be bebeep News Bulletin "Reporter Muslix here from outside of Hot Oatmeal Hospital. Trix Rabbit is alive! Yes I repeat Trix Rabbit is alive!" Oh NO NO NO!!! Two mistakes! How could he be alive? How could I have made two mistakes? ~*~ While at the hospital... "Good Morning Trix", Doctor Granola Quaker spoke softly, "How are you feeling this morning?" "Better now that I'm warm doctor." Trix still spoke in a quivery voice. "I'm sure you'll be feeling like your old self again soon Trix", Doctor Quaker assured, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, the only way to save your life was to kryogenically freeze you. Then we had to thaw you in fortified skim milk." "Thank You doctor, may I please have some fruity flavors now?" "O.K. Trix, as soon as Nurse Cinnamon Crunch takes your vitals", the good doctor spoke earnestly. ~*~ Back in his kitchen... "Knock, knock, knock", came the sound from the back door. "Who is it?" I called. "It's Tucan Sam!" an angry voice came from the other side of the door. Perfect! Just Perfect!! I'll do you off right here and now! That will save me the hassle of finding you... |
| "Just a moment!" I shouted, skittering into the kitchen to get myself a spoon. I stopped at the silverware drawer to think for a moment. Was I really crazy enough to kill in my own apartment? Think, think, think. "I know!" I shouted, then realised that I wasn't altogether alone anymore. I had to find some way to deal with this pest, but how had he even found his way to my doorstep? I went to the door, and opened it. No one was there. "Now I'm really losing it," I muttered as I slammed the door shut behind myself and started on my breakfast. Eggs, toast, and hashbrowns, every day, bacon or sausage added on weekends to keep it interesting. I even prided myself on my prefect breakfasts. It was all I could do anymore. At least I wasn't living with Gramma anymore, I mused to myself as I peeled my potatoes --expertly as always-- and began my perfect breakfast. Gramma used to spoil me on sugared cereals as a tot, but used to chide me every day for what I wanted to eat. "You can't eat that rotten junk forever," she'd say as she poured me another bowl. I hated Gramma sometimes, but especially when she said those mean things she always used to say--"Brush your teeth, you smell like a sewer!" "Wash behind those ears, ya little scumbucket!" "Comb your hair, ya walking rats' nest!" I knew she meant well, and now I understood: I was prematurely balding, with liverspots and bad teeth. And I was eating well now too; no more overpriced and worn out marketing ploys getting my food dollars; nope, now it was just me and the rest of the world that eats classic breakfast. there was another knock at the door, and it startled me so badly that I skinned my thumb on the potato peeler. |
| Suddenly, from behind the door Grandma appeared. As I looked at her, my thumb bleeding, I said, "My Gramma, wht big eyes you have.." |
| She was also carrying a large wooden spoon. It looked more like an oar used to paddle the Mayflower than it did to stir the pot of grandma's famous lumpy mashed potatoes. "Grandma, it is so nice to...(addict, addict, addict) see you." (addict, addict, addict) What were these voices seeing that I possibly couldn't. I looked granny over from head to toe until I finally saw it... Toucan Sam was cleverly disquised in the print of her shirt. (addict, addict, addict) The voices, |
| ...went on in my head, only louder. "Addict! Addict! Addict!" I looked Grandma straight in her eyes and had a marvellous idea. "Grandma, may I ask you a question?" "Sure!" She giggled. "May I buy your T-shirt with Toucan Sam on it? My girlfriend wants to have such a shirt and I can't find them anywhere for her..." "I didn't know that you had a girlfriend. But here, sweetie...You may have it for free." She turned back to her room and changed shirts. After a few minutes she came back, with the shirt in her hand. "Here you are, son. You have to wash it first before you surprise your girlfriend with it..." "I'll do that Grandma!" I kissed her on her cheek and left, still hearing "addict" in my head. Outside I didn't wait a minute and took a good look at the image on the shirt. And there he was, the disgusting Toucan Sam. Before I could control myself, my fist was beating on that bird... |
| I tore the shirt into shreds after I took my time taking my anger out punching that long nosed face of that annoying bird! (Addict... addict... addict... addict... addict...) more and more at a more deafening decimal! O.K. now for my next assignment I can finish off two birds with one (addict...) stone. As I heard the other day in there Koo Koo for Cocoa Puffs and the real Tucan Sam would be (addict...) having a late brunch at the new Nugget (addict...) Restaurant owned by Pebbles. And I could sure use some more coffee from that awesome looking waitress Cocoa. (Addict... addict...) O.K.!!! Stop it!!! ~*~ At the restaraunt I see Cocoa waiting on Dr. Quaker's daughter Cinnamon Fresc Avena. They are sitting with Sargent Corn Flake discussing something very secretive. I need to get those two bird brains (addict...) alone. Sugar foot! Candy and Molasses! I will have to (addict...) follow them after we leave. Cocoa finally came over and poured me coffee, "Well it's about (addict...) time!" "Sorry you had to wait. But I'm not a vision of the fast and the furious you know? I'm making a new pot and will bring it back around when it's done." "Just bring me the whole (addict...) pot!" (Addict... addict... addict...) Twitch, twitch, twitch. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Perfect! I can hear what they are saying now! "Oh Dad! Do you think you can save Crackle?" "No my dear he died this morning from his head wounds." "How's Trix doing?" Flake asked. "He's in and out of a coma now. And still has not been able to eat." Koo Koo and Tucan are (addict...) leaving I must follow them. "Waitress Cocoa make that pot to go!" I wonder where (addict...) they are going? At least I have a thermos of coffee I can follow them all (addict...) day if I have to! They are rounding the corner to Hot Oatmeal Hospital! Maybe I can get more than two birds!!! I will just park near the (addict...) entrance... "Knock Knock Knock." What the... Who is that?.. |
| Then I realised, it was all in my head. A scenario I had played out in my mind. I found myself on the kitchen floor covered in crumbs of burnt toast and flecks of scrambled eggs. I must have fallen asleep at the kitchen counter again. That happens when I don't get my coffee. (addict) Then I heard the knocking at my door again and realised that something was seriously up. What if someone was on to me now? No, of course no one would ever suspect me...I'm the innocent type. All the while, I sweated it out as I walked up to the door and opened it. |
| "GRANDMA!" I gasped in surprise. Oh no, it was happening for real. I looked at her shirt. It was the same one from my dream. (addict, addict, ADDICT) What do I do now? |
| "Ummm, hi grandma", I said as I trembled. She just looked at me, and the voices became louder only this time, they weren't in my head. |
| Grandma, sensing my discomfort, smiled and reached up to her face and starting to unmask. Had she only known that I was a cereal killer and a decaffeinated psycho she might of left the grandma disquise on. Juan Valdez now appeared in front of me gripping a hand full of coffee (Addict, addict, adict) beans. And the mild mannered me went a little beserk... |
| "Addict... addict... addict... Donkey... donkey... Juan Addict... Donkey Addict..." He then awoke in a totally destroyed kitchen. "I must have passed out again." He got up looking around very strangely, feeling very tired, as he remembered what he was seeing and saying before he blacked out. Then he proceeded to make one pot of coffee after another and poured them into several thermoses as he cleaned up the disaster of what was left of his kitchen. He knew he could not run out of coffee again to be able to think on his toes to complete his mission. He ate eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, toast, and drank coffee til he was full to his ears. Then was ready to take out the trash and head for the hospital. As he opened the door he saw Crackle head out the door and he followed at a fast pace. ~*~ Meanwhile back at the hospital... "Doctor Quaker I am going to go get Trix some cereal now as his vitals have all stablized and he is doing great!" Nurse Cinnamon stated. "Fine, fine nurse. Please do that and I will keep an eye on him while you're gone." When the shapely pretty nurse came back to Trix's room she fed him his cereal! He was no longer singing "Trix are for kids." He was now singing "Heaven, I'm in heaven!!! Call KOLR 10 news station nurse, and tell the world Trix are for grownups, cows, horses, and even rabbits!!! Trix are for everyone!!!" They both agreed this was truely an historic day! ~*~ After the phsyco-killer searched the yard, neighborhood, and his car he finally decided to head for the hospital. He tucked his thermoses in the driver's side back floorboard, then jumped into his vehicle and started down the street. He rolled his window down and saw what he thought was Crackle. Then he heard "CrackHic... CrackhHic..." as he saw Crackle plainly. "Yes it is Crackle! You've had it now you little crack addict! You are injured and can't get very far, very fast!" As he proceeded to speed up to try to smash Crackle with his tire he had forgot to put on his seat belt! He sped up faster and faster until he finally had him in his sights, then "WHAM!!!" He had hit Lucky Charm Leprechaun and was now in a coma. ~*~ Waking up from his long sleep he realized he was in the hospital. "Addict... addict... addict... Nurse... Nurse I need coffee now!!!" "Please... Nurse... " |
| In the corner of the room, he found Crackle standing... laughing at him. "You thought you got me? You addict?" "Don't make me stand up out of my bed and smack your head, you miserable invention. I'll send you back to Saint Patrick, where you should have stayed when I hit you before..." Crackle smiled again... " You should have gotten out of bed earlier to get me, my friend! I dare you to come out and get me." And so he did. He tried to get up, placed his feet on the ground and made a step... Another one followed... Then his feet started to tremble and with a sigh, he dropped to the ground. "Addict! You'll never get me!" With those words Crackle walked away. |
| Yes Crackle lived another day... but was it really loving when you where the only icon of three left to try and sell your cereal? The next Rice Krispie commercial will sound a little odd with "Just pour some mlk on these rice krisps and hear '..... Crackle .....'" Crackles days as an cereal icon are numbered. Those advertisers will need to come up with a new way to sell their cereal. Crackle may not be dead, but he also won't be employed for long... I won this battle and the war will still wage on... |
| As the "Cereal Killer" raged on at the nurse for more coffee Crackle went to the Emergency Room because he was feeling light headed. With his big head he knew something was wrong. He checked into the E.R. with blood running down his head. And milk seeping from his ear. "Come right in Crackle, sit here on the bed and let me see what is happening," Nurse Total said softly. "What?" Crackle questioned as he could not hear her from the whole milk running from his ear. "Oh Lord doctor, it's worse than we thought!" Nurse Total said with tears in her eyes. "Don't lose hope dear," Doctor Quaker replyed while examining Crackle's head, "There's always hope." |
| Or what they thought was the end. Five years later: Doctor Granola Quaker was found drowned in White Milk River late last night. The couple that found him said, "We were walking hand in hand in the moonlight and we saw him just floating there." At Soggy Bottom Swamp Police Headquarters, in west Generic Town, Detective Rice Chex and Sargent Corn Flake studied the coffee mug found at the crime scene as the radio blasted reports of the murder. "Today in the small town of East Stay Crunchy, Doctor Quaker The Head Of Surgery at Hot Oatmeal Hospital was found drowned in White Milk River. Could our Cereal Killer be back? Or is this a copycat murder?" Chex and Flake looked at each other as they knew they needed to contact the only living one left, with a warning. Be on the Look-Out! |
| Damned Internet. I hate how fast news gets out, you know? I mean, here I am, trying to weed out the horrible glut of cartoon advertising filth. I don't need the bastards at CNN getting word of this. But before I can even say "Larry King," my phone rings... |
| I thought of not answering my phone but I knew that it would only ring again. I could've thrown the thing into the middle of the street and hpe for a car to run it over and put me out of my misery but my misery would be not knowing what the caller wanted. Looking at the caller ID I noticed that the number wasn't one I recognized. "Hello" I pleasantly recited. |
| "Hi. How are you? We are back on the case again. We have to give Crackle all of our protection. Meet me at the station. |
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