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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/forums/message_id/2303292
by Leila
Rated: 13+ · Message Forum · Contest · #1808166
Closed for judging.
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Sep 26, 2011 at 10:37pm
#2303292
Edited: September 27, 2011 at 3:43pm
Re: First Love
As I read the poem I felt that it lacked a rhythmic flow to it

The lines seemed too long for example and disorganized.


Instead of this That my life would forever change from then on, I did never realize.

Something like this That my life would change forever,I did not realize


With every smile of his, my joy I couldn't ever hide.

With every smile of his, my joy I could not hide

Every time he looked at me, my breath caught , I sighed.
.
Every time he looked at me, I caught my breath and sighed.

. I couldn't but decide if i was caught in a whirlwind or a maze.

I could not decide if I was in a whirlwind or a maze

These are suggestions are only my opinion meant to help you to write better!






You can use them or not.

For the positive things you have great word imagery and romantic emotional projection!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
MESSAGE THREAD
First Love · 09-12-11 3:29pm
by cursive-stroke
Re: First Love · 09-12-11 4:21pm
by Leila
Re: First Love · 09-13-11 4:52pm
by Lesley Scott
Re: Re: First Love · 09-14-11 8:51am
by cursive-stroke
Review: First Love · 09-14-11 2:35pm
by unforgettable1
Re: First Love · 09-15-11 10:51am
by Carwyn
*Star* Re: First Love · 09-26-11 10:37pm
by Summer Wind is Healing

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