Mystical Meditations

I have the support of the Union-they said it could be grounds for a grievance. I have checked into the Americans with Disabilities Act too; mental illness is covered and it's off limits. They can't say anything about my PTSD unless I bring it up and they can't use it against me either. Check mate!!!!!! No I never had any formal training to work w/those kinds of kids. Picture this: I was 21, a student teacher, living w/my aunt, away from my boyfriend all week. I had to work with very violent, severely disabled kids. One day my supervisor teacher rips me apart and tells me "I don't know what you're going to do. You can't be scared of them and I know that you are. You have to work with them without me." She didn't give me any help, other then to say she'd never been seriously hurt in 5 years of working there. Among other things. I had to go to my car and cried for along time-more than an hour. For the next 5 weeks, I alternated between homicidal rage and suicidal despair. Since nobody was listening (everyone said it was a great "learning experience", except my mom, who called my aunt and told her not to leave me alone) I turned all that horror, anger and rage on myself. It was so bad I never knew when I went to the bathroom if I would walk out or be carried out on a stretcher. Nobody was listening to my words, maybe they'd listen to my blood! After I finally finished, the longest 10 weeks of my life, my bf broke up w/me the following Monday (he texted me since, apologized and said he wanted another chance-I told him to #$^#@@ and die). I shattered like a bottle being thrown into the Grand Canyon. The whole thing grew to King Kong Size proportions, as I had undiagnosed OCD at the time! This is what caused my post traumatic stress disorder-and I didn't even realize I was having problems until somone said I needed counseling, and then was formaly diagnosed with it. That's also when my medical doctor prescribed paxil, which has helped SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!! I'd never be able to work w/ that kid without it. Thursday, there was an incident with this kid (didn't involve me) that I can't write about (ordered to stay quiet) but I'm sure you can figure it out. It also proves I'm right. So that's the background. My supervisors know my history (not all of it but the jist, and that I have OCD and PTSD) It took years of counseling and thousands of dollars to realize that autism and the other disabilities weren't what I couldn't deal with. It was the violence. I agreed to work with him because my friend at work "Maureen" (can't use her real name, spies are everywhere!) works with him too and I knew she'd help me. And also there was nobody else. I told my supervisor of my reservations and that I wasn't going to sacrifice my mental health again. My God, nine years later I'm still paying for it!!!!! Dreams, avoidance, flashbacks (none are as frequent or severe as before, so counseling is working!) Wow this is a long message, hope you don't mind! Just wanted to let you know the background Elena